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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#201
Welp, as noted above, woke up in some type of serotonin deficit/funk. Everything appears to be the color greige or gunmetal or some other negative blah. Brain started right in running negative loop pathways for absolutely no apparent reason. Reliving past wounds. Angry at people from 30 years ago. Just pathetic, in terms of overall level of recovery and coping on my part. Embarrassing, really. For zero evident cause.
Decided to try to distract and cheer myself up with a movie I have wanted to see, 1917. Bad choice. What on earth was I thinking? I found All Quiet On The Western Front to be one of the most depressing books I have ever read when I was 14 or whatever it was. Everything from that era is depressing, to me. It's called "The Lost Generation" for a damn good reason. I only went to school for a thousand years--shouldn't I know all this by now? What a moron I am. So, going to try to turn this wreck around. Make myself go ride, even though I totally don't want to it--in the least. I just want to sit here and be pissed. Maybe it will help. Making lots of progress on the edit. Had forgotten how sort of speedy I can be when I am at this stage of the process. Shouldn't take long at all. Fairly pleased with it so far. Will need a few little tweaks here and there, but I have gotten in the habit of writing myself little messages within the actual text of reminder while doing a first draft, so I don't forget what I was thinking needed to be added/changed during the edits. It works well for me. Hugs and love to all!!!!!!! I am so grateful for all of you and for all the incredible support you have so generously provided me. I feel so lucky!! __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
Anonymous46341, Blue_Bird, Fuzzybear, Innerzone, Nammu, Sunflower123
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Blue_Bird
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#202
Quote:
Is this a mom & pop pharmacy or something? If the pharmacy is Walgreens, CVS, or something similar, though, then you can typically refill online fairly easily. Once you place an order, they will (1.) send you a text msg (if you allow them to) to let you know that a pharmacist or pharmacy technician actually acknowledged your order, and (2.) another one when it's ready for pickup. If something went wrong (e.g., insurance rejected it, pharmacist thinks there is an interaction, etc.), then they will send you a text message to let you know that, too. Just be cautious that active prescriptions for controlled substances will most likely not show up on your account on these kinds of websites until *after* you pick them up. For example, my Ritalin is a controlled substance and for some reason, Walgreens just doesn't display it online until I pick it up. (Same with CVS when I used them, too.) I have to call if I want Walgreens/CVS to fill it, and then they have to look up my account info. Still, I do not need to know my Rx number for this; they look it up easily in their computer system. But you can ignore what I said if you don't go to a large chain like that. Anyway, sorry to hear that you didn't get a follow-up message from your ECT doc. I hope he gets back to you today. If not, would you feel comfortable initiating the call yourself tomorrow? I've found that doctors tend to be forgetful with returning calls in general, no matter what kind of doctor they are. Their jobs are hectic (especially right now) and there are so many things that slip their mind. Sometimes you have to initiate the call unfortunately. |
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#203
I forget if I mentioned yesterday that I cleaned all of the deck furniture. If the weather is nice this weekend, hubby will power wash the deck and we'll both re-stain the floor and railings. The hummingbird feeder is up and apparently a hummer was spotted in New Jersey today, at the shore. Usually our first hummer visitor is a guy that continues north, but then our resident hummers are two gals that fight with each other. A couple interlopers show up now and again, but are ultimately chased off by the two "gals". One we call "Shirley Show Off", the other "Sheila Hiding". It's likely that one or both will be the same hummers from last year, and maybe years before. They get to know us, and like us.
For those that love birds, I'll share a short true story below. I understand if you'd like to skip it. -------------------------------- A Very Caring Little Bird Story A couple summers back, my husband and I bought two beautiful new light green painted rocking chairs for our deck. We had to assemble them, which was a monumental effort, as self-assembly projects can sometimes be. But when they were ready, we put them into place with a perfect view of our hummingbird feeder. The first hummer to visit our backyard was a beautiful male ruby throated hummingbird. He was a lone little guy taking full advantage of all of the homemade nectar we provided, and the deep pink flowers below. But it wasn’t too long before two females came into town and chased the poor little dude away. The two females were constantly fighting for “ownership” of our backyard territory. Eventually one won primary rights. My husband and I would sit and watch her every sunny day. She grew used to us and didn’t mind our presence, just eight feet away. She’d zip back and forth, as my husband and I rocked back and forth, on our new chairs. My husband is a big guy, and unfortunately the green wooden rocking chair wasn’t as strong as we’d hoped. One afternoon, he rocked back too far and “Crack!” went the rocker. He fell backwards, but was fortunately prevented from serious injury by a large potted shrub that caught him. He screamed for help, so I grabbed his arms to help hoist him back upwards. All the while, our sweet lady hummingbird sat atop the nearby lilac bush, staring right at the upset scene. Once my husband was upright, she continued to stare right at him, for what seemed like 30 seconds. Then when it was clear he was safe, she flew off satisfied that all was well. We look forward to seeing our hummers again this year. The feeder is out patiently awaiting their return, and the flowers are soon to bloom. We've since bought two much sturdier rocking chairs. Hopefully our concerned angel will be back to keep her eye on us again. Last edited by Anonymous46341; Apr 02, 2020 at 04:01 PM.. |
Blue_Bird, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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Blue_Bird, bpcyclist, ~Christina
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,719
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#204
Went grocery shopping today. Was only able to get a few things though because I finally found paper towels, it’s a 6 pack so it took up a lot of room and I can only carry so much on the bus. So I have to go out again tomorrow morning to finish my grocery shopping. I’m going super early though in hopes that I can find some toilet paper, it’s nowhere to be found anytime I’m in a store. After that I won’t have to go out for a couple weeks.
Someone donated a bunch of cakes and desserts to my apartment complex and they said everyone could take whatever they wanted. I chose a small cake since today is my my 1 year eating disorder recovery celebration. So that was pretty cool! Worked out perfectly cause I wanted some kind of dessert to celebrate anyway. I got all my household essentials (except TP) so I’m basically set for the month as far as that goes. I feel really happy and positive today. __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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Anonymous41462, Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, fern46, Fuzzybear, Innerzone, Sunflower123, wildflowerchild25, ~Christina
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bpcyclist, Innerzone, ~Christina
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 26,543
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#205
Feeling bah humbug today although they did officially shut my city down today. Not sure about the state. It’s a beautiful day here and I have the French doors open. Don’t know what’s up with my mood except maybe I set too many goals and I’m working too hard. Going to work on relaxing more and building in some fun.
Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling. |
Anonymous41462, Anonymous46341, Blue_Bird, bpcyclist, fern46, Fuzzybear, Innerzone, ~Christina
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Blue_Bird, bpcyclist, ~Christina
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Silver Swan
Member Since Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 16,467
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16 2,542 hugs
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#206
@BirdDancer nice photo of the humming bird! Sorry about the chair breaking. That must've shaken him up a bit!
I went on a walk today because it was sunny and 63! There were lots of people walking their dogs or just walking in general in my mom's neighborhood. I walked and listened to the radio since I have an FM app on my phone. My phone is old enough to have an earphone jack! My mom thinks I'm getting "skinny". I highly doubt it. The scale for one thing doesn't think so. Its all relative, but I think I should be 40 pounds less. Go figure. My mom gave me some paper towel and a package of toilet paper! Yay. The more the merrier. Kroger was selling them at 1 per customer, but she got two because she and her husband checked out separately. @bluebicycle, sorry you had to drop everything for that call and thus missed getting the exercise equipment. __________________ Wellbutrin XL 300 mg Caplyta 42 mg Ingrezza 80 mg Ativan .5 mg 2x/day Propranolol 20 mg 2x/day Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) Mania (April/May 2019) |
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, ~Christina
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bpcyclist, ~Christina
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#207
Quote:
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681
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#208
Two check-ins in one day for me--not a good sign at all. Sorry, But I am just having an awful time making it through this day and I have nobody to talk to, So, here I am again. Sorry!
On further reflection, I guess what this morning portended is what I have previously described as some kind of dysphoria, for lack of a better term. Also, quite agitated. Irritable. Every little thing is annoying and bothering me. Not tooting my horn here, but just kind of a fact--I generally tend to have the patience of Job. So, this is so weird for me. Mind wandering to that place where life seems utterly meaningless and definitely not even remotely worth living. Big fat waste. Don't worry--not suicidal. But, just in terms of my opinion about all this? It seems like a joke, that my life has been and is a joke, and that not existing further would be far, far preferable to more of this sh**. I really have had more than enough for one lifetime. Dysphoric mania ramping up again? Mixed state? What is the difference? General exhaustion from battling this ongoing psychosis since roughly October? Dunno. Above my pay grade. Anyway, just feeling tired of the battle today. All day. Did get about 30 seconds of joy when a neighbor toddler came home with his mom and squealed and giggled down the hall noisily. BirdDancer's hummer and lilac or whatever that was--that made me feel good for a little bit. Thanks, BD!! That is certainly worth living for. But I do not have much of that in my life right now. Need to get outside on that bike, but can't pull myself to do it because I am afraid the next-door neighbor will break into my apt. (again) and go through my shi** as soon as I leave and I just can't have that. Maybe I could set my alarm for, like, 330 in the morning and go then, when he might actually be asleep. That could work. 2 weeks to pdoc. Hope I can make it. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,325
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#209
Hugs and respect to everyone
__________________ |
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Sunflower123
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Elder
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,037
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#210
__________________ Diagnoses: PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain |
bpcyclist
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#211
I know many people with bipolar disorder derive benefit from Modafinil (Provigil), but I wish to warn anyone that is particularly vulnerable to full blown mania, and/or stimulant abuse, to proceed taking it with caution.
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bpcyclist, childofchaos831, Daonnachd, Wild Coyote, ~Christina
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#212
@BirdDancer: That's a great action shot of the green hummer flying into the feeder!
@Blue_Bird: Congratulations on your one year anniversary! Always nice to hear from you. @bpcyclist: Sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm a really patient person too but like you i have my moments. In my news, i had a very nice day. I slept well and long and feel much healthier today. I showered, walked the dog, took her to the dog park and played with her and the neighbor's puppy. He's just a joy but i'm afraid my neighbor is at wit's end with him. He's really young, only ten weeks. I'm considering offering to take him for an hour if she needs a break. Puppies are not easy. I cooked and did the dishes too. I'm really making progress with the housework! I'm hoping the mania i felt brewing will back off. It's a dicey time of year, Spring. But the last thing i need is feeling pressured to go out and have adventures with the virus in full-swing. I think i'll be alright. I did well to not engage with that guy from my past who contacted me. It would just have triggered mania to have started up with him again. In a way, i feel afraid to feel but i think this is healthy. I'm happy to chat with my neighbor so i'm not afraid of ALL relationships. I just want only easy ones tho. I don't want risk and excitement. Does that sound odd? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 1,639
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#213
Thanks bluebicycle, bpcyclist (noticing a theme here lol) and bird dancer for your responses. I'm sorry, I just get really frustrated trying to explain myself sometimes and I also feel bad about something I'm about to say now that I've actually been afraid to really admit before. Well, firstly, GP wrote me back today saying he can support me in pursuing individual therapy and psychiatry since hubby refuses to go to couple's. That's cool. But that's not really the issue. The problem is I'm afraid hubby won't pay for me to have therapy and psychiatry again. He said so pretty much when i was ending it before and i highly doubt he'll change his mind about it. To make matters worse, he just lost his raise and bonus because of cutbacks due to this damn virus crap. At least he still has his job, but we are going to have to cut spending again). This is just really bad timing! So I'm really afraid to bring it up again...and if I do, I want to kinda make a plan first, research for some good doctors and ones who can talk over the phone right now...but it's still very overwhelming. I haven't had the best luck with healthcare locally and I don't really know anything about places in the city, but I'll see what I can find out. But even if I make up a good plan, hubby may still say no, and I'm afraid folks here won't respect me if I can't get him to consent or get mad at him even...i mean, ok getting mad is all fine, but making me feel like I'm making a mistake with him is what I want to avoid. I do love him and we've been together a long time. And hes a pretty good guy, I just wish he could be a little better in a few key areas. Ya know? So there it is.
__________________ Celexa (Citalopram) 20mg Levothyroxine .75mg Liothyronine 5MCG (2x daily) Probiotics And a whole slew of vitamin and herbal supplements. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#214
Hi everyone! I have been reading through your posts and sending love and hugs to those in need. I know it's not much, just words from afar, but my heart is with you.
This has been a tough week for me. As the anxiety over my covid-19 panic over who I can and cannot see eased my body got sicker. By Wednesday I was utterly exhausted, in a lot of pain and discomfort, unable to sleep, and unable to read, listen to music or watch TV. So, I did a lot of meditation. Over the last few weeks I have meditated for at least an hour a day. It can be very difficult, but once I get in the zone I become free from my suffering. With nothing else to do sometimes I meditate for over two hours at a time. I have been reading up on different techniques and philosophies. It has been my lifeline as I have had to drop out of university completely and with that came waves of despair. The meditation helps calm me, ground me, and provides positive experiences like moments of bliss. Since yesterday my body has begun feeling a little better. It is manageable now. Not unbearable like before. I just spoke to my pdoc and he wants me to keep taking Ritalin as it gives me cognitive benefits that help me do things that bring me joy and knowledge ... and tidy my flat. As the anxiety has calmed down I am actually doing pretty well mentally. I was living an isolated life before coronavirus so I am used to spending a lot of time alone. I do miss my sister, nieces, and nephews though. On the plus side I have been in more contact with friends than usual. Either me checking on them or them checking on me. We all need to look out for each other, especially in times like these. __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, fern46, Innerzone, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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bpcyclist, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 3,105
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#215
Another day where I could only sleep three hours. I work from 9 AM for four hours. I think I can handle this. I have the weekend off.
__________________ Dx: Bipolar I, ADD, GAD. Rx: Fluoxetine, Buproprion, Olanzapine, Lamictal, and Strattera. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
5 4,300 hugs
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#216
Quote:
I'm glad you had a nice day. |
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#217
Hi giddykitty. I'm sorry that you are in a position where you feel like you need to plead with your husband to get healthcare. I understand when money becomes an issue for things, but if one's wellness is at stake, it is usually worth the expenditure. You mentioned being interested in seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist. Perhaps you could come up with a compromise with your husband and initially start out with just one or the other? If he is unwilling to compromise, I can't help but get a feeling that he is some "master of the household". I don't like to think of anyone as such. Occasionally I get junk calls asking for "the head of the household". When I did in the past, I'd either hang up, or put my pet parrot on the phone, who'd usually attack it.
I think in all relationships, one of the two will seem more like the dominant decision maker. I think that often the other is just more willing to compromise or give in. I'm actually the latter in my household, partly because I'm less stubborn than my husband, and partly because (unfortunately) knowing that he is the primary money-maker, I feel he has slightly more say. But, when it comes to very important things I need/want for myself, I get tough in not accepting no for an answer. If I have some of my own money (I believe in keeping separate accounts in addition to a joint account) I can use it however I like. One need not see a therapist or psychiatrist very frequently, to derive benefit from them. I know this is a hard time to start a new patient-doctor relationship. A lot of people have to just sit patiently for a bit to let this pandemic ease up. |
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#218
Quote:
In one case, a patient developed psychosis within 2 days of taking it (See here: Modafinil Induced Psychosis in a Patient with Bipolar 1 Depression). So, I guess the uptick in mood can happen pretty rapidly, if it does happen. Though the article does go on to state that the patient's psychosis had abated within a few days of cessation, so I guess the good news is that if it *does* happen, it seems to go away quickly? The unfortunate thing about the article, though, is that it doesn't really say what happened after the psychosis wore off (e.g., if he became depressed again, etc.). |
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#219
I noticed that my former therapist "liked" my most recent blog post. The post was only about Easter bread. Nothing that deep/serious. Nevertheless, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. I stopped seeing this therapist over a year ago. I really liked her a lot, but had to change because she moved far from my home. After this therapist moved, she stopped being able to accept my insurance. In response, she let me see her for several sessions for next to nothing ($10 per session), on Saturdays. My husband would drive me to her new office, since it was almost an hour away on stressful highways. Hubby would wait in the car or go to a coffee shop. I just couldn't continue putting hubby through that inconvenience. Also, there was a transference and countertransference between us. She reminded me of my late mother. She almost assumed a motherly role towards me. It was a loving kind of relationship, but I eventually saw that as unhealthy.
Obviously, I had shared my blog address with the above therapist, while still going to her. She became very interested in it, and read several of my posts. She signed up to receive my post notices. I didn't think that would be a problem, but as said, it's become uncomfortable. Maybe six months back, I wrote a very sad post about my father. She read it and thought it was about my husband. She contacted me via email begging me to explain to her what was going on. I did, and she responded again. I didn't respond to her second email, feeling it was best not to. Ideally, I wish this therapist would unsubscribe to my blog. I could manually remove her from my post notification list, but that is so awkward. My point to this post is to recommend that others think seriously before sharing a blog address with a therapist. I couldn't write about this on my blog, or she'd see it. Or select other things. I really like my current therapist of over a year, and think the relationship is healthy. Last edited by Anonymous46341; Apr 03, 2020 at 09:50 AM.. |
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#220
Quote:
This is my personal opinion, but I think because you already have someone prescribing your meds, maybe it might be better off to start with a therapist? It sounds like you struggle a lot, emotionally, with this virus crap, etc. going on, and I think a therapist could help you deal with these stressors. A therapist could also give you some coping mechanisms to try out. If you decide to go the therapist route, you can try to find one locally who's doing teletherapy at this time. In fact, it might be easier to find a therapist than it would be to find a psychiatrist since psychiatrists don't seem to be as common as therapists. If you can't find a therapist though, there *is* BetterHelp.com where you can get online therapy. I will admit that I do NOT know much about that site, but DocJohn allows BetterHelp to be advertised here on the main forum page, so I would assume he is okay with it. Virtually everyone who sees a therapist IRL right now is doing online/phone therapy at this point because of the virus situation, so I can imagine that the BetterHelp online experience won't be much different at this point? I suppose the one difference would be that you might not be able to contact your therapist outside of appts if you do BetterHelp, but I can't be 100% certain on that. Another thing you could do is utilize a hotline or text line in the interim. For example, there is Crisis Text Line (see here: Home Page - Crisis Text Line). You do not need to be in an extreme crisis to text them. You can use it for anxiety, depression, etc.. But I think Crook32 said that they limit you to only 1 "session" per 48 hours now. BTW, Trump is sending out stimulus checks within the next 2 weeks or so. That may be able to at least partially compensate for your hubby's lost raise and bonuses, assuming your hubby does not make more than $95k. |
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