Bipolar check in #45

Do you HAVE to be around her? I would think with COVID here that you could skip since you already cant deal with how lax your parents are about staying home and personal hygiene??? You do not get along with your sister so why subject yourself to being around her??? Text her a happy Birthday and be done with it all

Sorry about the mix up with family members, Many would easily confuse them..

If you were to sell your car how would you get to medical appts, Pdoc and T or doing any shopping, I know you go many places to fine correct things for meals... What if something happened to your Dad , Sister, Brother or husband.. Could you call a Taxi or Uber/Lyft service?

I dont think I could give up my license unless I truly felt unsafe to drive.. Your world will get much smaller if you have to wait until your husband had time to take you places.... Why do you feel your ability to drive has gone down? Has it been happening over time or just like now when you are not doing well with Bipolar?

Didn’t take any drugs today. After taking 1mg of klonopin and 15mg haldol together yesterday afternoon to calm my anxiety, I just felt the need to sleep. Probably also because I haven’t been sleeping well. RS made dinner and I ate it and fell asleep right after, around 5:30. I didn’t wake up until like 9pm. Then I fell back asleep at 9:30 for the night.

So I figured I better not take any pills today.

I am extremely depressed today. I’m like, why couldn’t I just leave well enough Alone? What does it matter what happened ten years ago? I started thinking about it three to four months ago and just couldn’t put it out of my head. I just should have forgotten about it.

My therapist was moderately helpful. So that’s good. See pdoc Tuesday, not sure what to say.

I just want to wrap myself up again so I won’t be harmed and/or harm myself.

Sending warm hugs to everyone who's struggling

So I slept 4-5 hours, I am still just exhausted but I'll take every minute I get.

I do think Steve is finally on the road to recovery, each time its harder and takes longer to feel better and hit his baseline for his lungs.

In other happy news some of my plants I put in last year appear like they survived YAY!

On a sad note my Gov is being reckless and is opening up things to fast ! but it likely has to do with the fact my husband and I are high risk, but I am getting tired of people bashing others for feeling its too soon and that anyone scared needs to just stay at home, I get that.. But I feel age and health wise a huge % of people would rather see us sick people just die off, No reason to waste money on the ill.. Oh well... Just my opinion about this plague and population control, I'm not paranoid or anything just my view on this situation.

Hope everyone is enjoying there Friday

My husband is just very concerned. I agree that I'd truly struggle without my car/license. I think he said that more as a shocking way of getting me to be far far more careful. Truth is, I must try to be extremely mindful about my driving (and other things) in the future. It's not easy, though. It's sort of like telling a person to stop touching their face, when it's been a real habit for a long time.

I won't be driving very much anymore, and not far. I've had to abandon things (i.e. a volunteer job I started at NAMI a long while back) because of the driving. There are strategies I can take to make things safer, like choosing different routes or times I go out.

When I was much younger, I used to love to ride my bicycle. That eventually stopped. I started finding myself in ditches on occasion, and just got too scared to be on small roads with traffic.

I slept like 12+ hrs. voices are quieter Not as many fake bugs biting. I'm home alone for a while. No headphones today yet.

So glad to hear you were able to sleep.

It was soon after I was IP years ago , suicidal. I was driving to see the first T my IP set me up with. I blacked out driving and tore the hell out of some mans field how I missed a concrete bridge and drop off into a large creek. I was so lucky.. But I was scared off of driving and didnt again for months.

But I had to get back in the saddle, I wrapped a tight rubber band on my wrists, as a constant reminder to stay present and pay extra attention.. I dont know if something like that might be helpful.

I woke up early today. That's a sign of hypomania. I did good hard work on my place and my living room is completed! There are only four pieces of furniture in here and no clutter and it's clean. I don't have a thing on my walls! Minimalism! I cheated tho and didn't sort thru two storage bins, just put them away. Maybe later. I was tired the rest of the day tho. Just relaxed. I'm somewhat bored and am definitely boredom-eating, all due to the C-19 lockdown. Being awake for so much longer and with the Spring days getting so long my eyes and brain get stressed-out from all the extra daylight. I always look forward to sunset.

Hugs to all those who are struggling!

Feeling a supreme failure.

My bipolar symptoms are absolutely terrible today. One minute I feel like I’m having a psychotic episode and I feel like I need to check myself into the hospital, then 5 minutes later, I’m totally fine and motivated.

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I hope it passes soon because you are an incredible person.

I looked over my notes, and I am dealing with PMDD. Now everything makes sense. The days are all the same, I didn’t realize I had gone so long without getting one. I should have guessed what was going on though. I only feel like checking myself into the hospital when I’m dealing with my PMDD. And my stomach has been hurting pretty badly. Also I’ve had issues in the past with taking too much meds when PMSing. It’s basically dangerous for me to get my period.

Mountaindewed I am sorry, I also deal with PMDD and it really does mess with our brains so much. Bodies, too.

Hi all! I have wanted to check in, but just been tired and busy. My job is busier than normal. Not to complain, I am very fortunate to be working at all. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist who specializes in women's health issues and she basically told me I need to get in contact with my gynecologist about all these symptoms and try birth control again. It might make me more unstable, but looks like I am out of options. Can't even do acupuncture right now (I do hope my acupuncturist is okay and all financially). Fingers crossed it helps!

My friend sent me a gift card so I can get some house plants in an effort to cheer me up. It was thoughtful. I have been feeling down (like everyone) including because my grandmother is in a nursing home with a lot of cases and I may never see her again I realize. Just makes me sad to think about her being alone.

I am playing games with my siblings virtually tonight. I might play some music virtually with a friend soon, too.

Hope all are staying healthy. Sending compassion.

I just typed out a long-ish post on my phone (one finger typing) and then when I went to post it it gave me the "press the back button and try again after reloading the page". BOO!

I'm just sitting here listening to Libera – Discover the celestial sounds of these international boy singers They're nice. Relaxing. I've also been reading the Disney World Secrets book. Each entry is only two pages so front and back and that's it.


Had another dream that N3 was little again- about 2. This time, he was in a hospital. I actually was the one IN the hospital, he was in the day care. (Never sent him to daycare in real life.) He was happy and cute.


Speaking of N3, he was supposed to go to his repetoire class today. They were doing it via Zoom I think. His teacher had asked if he was going to be there and he said no. And she still texted him (and me) about what was going on, including a screen shot of her computer. N3 is so damned stubborn, that I'm sure he just ignored her. I didn't see any replies from him. She had him on the list of who goes in what order. And guess where he is? Sharlene's! Of course. I'm beginning to hate her because of how disruptive she is.

My aunt made me and N3 each a mask! His is more basic than mine, but they're both very nice. Pleated and adjustable. I can take mine down without taking it all the way off. Its a little clausterphobic, though, in terms of breathing in and out- you breathe in some of what you just breathed out. But I guess all masks are that way. My friend Karen said she has a mask on order, but has been using a bandanna. I don't know that a bandanna is that great, as it doesn't "seal" the bottom to your face. I think my aunt also made N1 and N2 a mask each.


Michigan extended the stay at home order until May 15th, yesterday. My friend says he won't be able to pay his lot rent if he can't go back to work on the 16th.


I went on a walk yesterday for an hour. When I got home, I got a shower and washed my sheets so I was all fresh last night. I stayed in my pajamas until 11 or so this morning, then felt cold so I got dressed. My scale also is messed up. I stood on it yesterday and it said I weighed 40 pounds less than I actually do! I WISH! Today, I will do push ups again and sit ups. But, I have lost 40 pounds since my highest so I have to keep that in mind.


I ordered a book a few weeks ago off Amazon and I knew it seemed familiar. Well, now I looked in an old purse and there was my original copy! So now I've got two copies. The old one has a bookmark in it but I have no idea what came before the bookmark! So I'll have to start at the beginning again.

Well-wishes to all! I hope your Saturday is a good one. I'm all alone at home, but I'm going to continue to read my book and listen to music.

So happy to hear your hubby is on the mend. That is fantastic! Good for you on the plants, that severe weather down there, oh man... I have no terrace in this little apt., so, no plants these days. But I can get out and look at other people's stuff, which I do, because I know it always makes me feel good. Western OR and WA are, indeed, extremely wet maybe 8 months of the year. The upside of that is that, when the sun does finally come out, this is without a doubt the best place for gardening I have ever lived. You can grow almost anything here. Hawaii is also outstanding. I was too busy too busy ever to garden when I lived in Nash Vegas.


This pandemic has brought the best in us as Americans. Healthcare workers, bus drivers, grocery and pharmacy people, all selflessly risking their lives to serve all of us. These are the people that make my country and the world great. Sadly, the crisis has also brought out the very, very worst in us, particularly in the United States. I do actually personally believe that there is evil in this world. And I have been seeing and hearing an awful lot of it lately.

Stay strong!!! Onward!!!!

I haven't driven since 2011. Maybe it's time to drag that bicycle out again...

What do you think is triggering this? Do you ever do CBT? I find it very useful when I am in that place, which is often. I started feeling like a total loser while falling asleep last night. Blown up career, blown up family, blown up life. Etc, etc. But the, I checked my facts. I did not have them right. The facts are, I got really, really sick with a brain illness that is not my fault and was not caused by my actions. I did not request it.


I immediately got myself out f that negative loop and felt much better. Just a thought.

Strength and support!!!! You are not a failure. You are a hero!!