Bipolar check in #45

@wildflowerchild25: Happy belated birthday!

Glad to hear your day was decent.

Happy belated birthday, wildchildflower! I'm glad you had nice day!

hard to feel that great when you're not really doing to much with yourself, and what you want to eat isn't in the house

slightly less suicidal but isn't helping matters.

~Christina, Wander, and Wild Coyote, I'm sorry to read that you are all in such pain. I hope it eases quickly. I wish there was something that could help. Do you think that stress exacerbates it?

I have nothing much to say. I feel mildly paralyzed, in a sense. I don't know what to do. I will ask my pdoc if I can lower or eliminate my morning dose of Seroquel XR.

Of course it's been nice having hubby working from home, and yet I now yearn for more time alone. We do spend time in other rooms, but hubby does dictate (to a degree) how we spend some of our time. He'll be meeting his friend later on to go for a bike ride. I'll be glad that he's out of the house.

I feel good. Not sure if it's a hypomanic or a euthymic good though. I am running around the house singinging and I kept getting up trying to write this and I am a perpetual motion machine
but yeah, good sober vibes here

Happy birthday!!!

Doing alright today. Mood is fine.

My guitar lesson teacher called me again today and said that he's cancelling lessons until further notice (for obvious reasons) rather than starting back up on May 4th. He said he is doing Skype lessons, but I don't think I want to do those. It's just not the same as playing guitar in person. I mean, I can cope with teletherapy and telepsychiatry, but guitar? Nah. I need someone to look at my technique in person. It's okay though. Now I can spend more time perfecting things.

Anyway, I have to take out the trash, but I'm deathly afraid of opening the dumpster chutes. They're always germy and gross! I think I'll just use a plastic grocery bag and open up the trash locks by putting my hand in the bag. But my trash is piling up.

I'll go around 7pm or 8pm today when no one is around. I should be fine, I think. Just really anxiety inducing when you just know people have coughed into their hands and then touched the locks.

I'm feeling angry.

What's wrong, Fuzzy?

You don't have to share if you don't want to, of course.

Rough day yesterday. Really rough. Just sort of realized out of nowhere that my father, whom I certainly do love, really, really screwed me over a few years ago when I needed him most. Not sure why I have given him such a pass on all that... Details don' t really matter, but he had a chance to help me in a way that would have no impact whatever on him, personally--and he elected not to do so. Had I not pulled off a complete miracle, which I did, that decision on his part would have sent me back to the hospital for another 18 flipping months. Thanks, dad!!!

You know, he did not visit me once in the 5 years I was there. I think my lifelong worship of him has occasionally clouded the accuracy of my perceptions of how he has actually, at times, treated me. This realization made me quite sad, on a day on which I was already fairly hopeless. Oh well...

Anyway, finally just gave up and made myself get out on the bike. Freezing outside and pouring. 3 1/2 hours, nobody out at all. Some cute bunnies, though--that made me happy, briefly. Hands were so numb when I finished that I could not get my keys out. Took me a couple of hours to stop shivering and warm up finally.

But at least I did something. Besides sitting around, feeling awful. Progress, not perfection, I spose.

Hugs and love to all!!!!!!

Sorry about your Dad. I admire the way you exercise to help deal with your MI symptoms. I need to do something like that.

There's some really great processing occuring here. Kudos. And hugs.

The ''insanity'' in the world..
And I was today again reminded of that mean T who said I could not consult anyone else in the clinic where he had practised on me I had done nothing to him. I suppose he was worried he would get found out for what he was.

I admire people who do not poke others.

Thinking of all of you

Hi bpcyclist. I haven't felt that articulate lately, but do feel compelled to tell you that I understand a little bit how you feel about your dad not visiting you. Though I wasn't in the psych hospital for five years straight, I guess I clocked a total of about a full year's worth of days in, with 2 to 6 week hospitalizations separated by days, weeks or months. Plus PHPs/IOPs. I mentioned recently that my husband was the only person that ever visited me there. My dad never once did, nor did he call me. No one else did.

I don't know the reason(s) why your dad stayed away from you. I kind of know why my father did. In my case, I don't like the reasons, but they are what they are.

Has your father been different at other times of your life? My dad has always been approximately the same.

Happy (belated) Birthday, wildflowerchild!!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Happy late birthday, wildflowerchild!

Of all the stupid things to do! I wanted a treat so I went to Starbucks. Of course, its the only Starbucks open for miles because they have a good drive-thru I guess. So I got in line where you get out of line. That is- the LINE wrapped all the way around the building! Well, I got the drinks, BUT stuck in the line, my car started to overheat! The temperature needle was above half, and it usually sits right below. I have a history of this with another car; with that one, once the needle went above half, it would go all the way to "H"! I'd have to either turn the car off or if I couldn't stop, turn the heat on immediately and blast it to get the heat out of the engine. This helped a little. So that's what I did today. It worked. When I left, I kept the heat on for a bit. Oh of course, I had the windows down. Once I was driving, I turned the heat off and it went back to normal. In the case of the old car, a fan was broken so it couldn't cool itself. I don't know why this car did that today, except I was in that stupid Starbucks line for half an hour! Lucky for my friend, because when I was one car away from ordering, she said, "If you go by starbucks can you get me a drink?" I said, "Actually..." so that was nice for her. So I left it on her porch and she came out and got it. Unfortunately, her dog got out and ran away! I sat in my car while she chased it, but she did eventually get it back in the house.