update (just trying to combine my posts into 1 thread and explain my f*** ups)

ok, so I'm posting in a bunch of threads and I guess it's hard for people to keep track of what I'm saying. you can ignore this thread if you want; it's up to you and I understand if no one wants to reply. I'm just going to post everything I'm dealing with right now and what I'm trying to do about it.

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[backstory]
so, here is what I've been posting (which I am now trying to accept as a delusion):
so basically, I have been sensing a presence. I feel like I have sensors in my right ear and they are notifying me of such presences. it makes me scared because I think there is someone after me, trying to inject me with coronavirus when I least expect it.

I sense the presence outside at night -- lurking in the shadows -- and sometimes in the walls (behind my bed) during the day. it makes me scared that they're going to break in to inject me to kill me. I also sense the presence moving throughout the walls as I change rooms (so... my bedroom, kitchen, living room, and den/office). it doesn't help that my sleep is all messed up. I go to bed late at night and then get 7 hours of sleep (if you exclude how many times I wake up), when I normally need about 10.

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[how I've been handling it]
I've been talking to some people online here and I guess I'm just being a huge idiot. they've been trying to help me and I've been ignoring them, so I feel bad for f***ing up like this.

I initially left my therapist a voicemail yesterday saying that I was anxious and having panic attacks (because I was), but I did not elaborate on WHY. I just asked her to call me back and to see if we could have a sooner appt.

I followed up with my call last night and left a voicemail about 10 mins ago. I explained that I sense a presence and that I can't find it. I also said that I'm hearing things (voices) and seeing things (e.g., my alarm clock sending me messages). then I asked her to call me back whenever she has time.

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[what the future holds]
I'm not sure what the future holds right now. I'm hoping my therapist gets back to me ASAP, but I'm a bit doubtful of that. it's kind of hard to explain, but basically... my therapy appts are 45 mins in duration (technically), but she usually cuts patients off at around 40 mins to schedule appts and to give herself the opportunity to call people back during the day. I think that's fair. however -- and I don't know if this is just the case for me -- she has been letting her (teletherapy) appts run the full 45 mins, rather than taking breaks. so, idk if she will actually call me back until the end of the day when she has time to take calls.

I did ask my therapist in my first voicemail for a sooner appt or to at least talk to me for a few minutes.

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[me being a f*** up]
people have been trying to help me, and I guess I have been pushing people away who care about me the most. I have been having a hard time accepting this situation is a big delusion (along with some paranoia mixed in), but I'm going to stop being stubborn and accept that I'm experiencing delusions.

sorry to everyone I hurt. I feel awful about what I've been doing to people who have been caring about me and trying to help me out. sorry, WC. sorry, Christina. sorry, everyone else.

I just realized that I might've been *too* honest in my phone call to my therapist. I hope she doesn't try to involuntarily commit me. f***.

I am not a danger to myself, in my opinion, but who knows what she thinks. I just really, REALLY don't want to be put in IP, especially with coronavirus going around and people here DYING at the same hospital as the psych ward. that scares the ever living s*** out of me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you made the right decision in calling your therapist. Hopefully she'll have some coping techniques for you.

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about the delusions and paranoia? Sounds like you might need your meds tweaked.

no, I have not talked to my psychiatrist about the delusions and paranoia. the problem is that he has an "assistant" who just gets in the way. she just always misinterprets things and doesn't even know how to spell basic things like Zoloft. (she has access to my medical files, so she can read my meds and stuff. I don't know why she doesn't know how to spell it when I am not on that many psych meds.)

I may ask my therapist to intervene and talk to him directly, if possible.

do you think my therapist will try to commit me?

Thanks for bringing me up to speed. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it is wonderful you have some insight and that you've attempted to make ammends with those you care about. Maybe give yourself a hug for that.

I think it is great you called your therapist again. That's a wonderful step. How about your pdoc? I think he needs to know too. You've had shifts in your dosages lately and this development seems important to keep him apprised of. If you do call I would be very direct and say something like 'I am in crisis and experiencing psychosis. I have auditory and visual hallucinations and I sense a dark presence that I fear will harm me.'

Do you have a strategy for work? You mentioned in the check in thread something about saying something strange on a call. Is there anything you need to do to address that? Is it possible for you to ask for time off, or maybe let them know you're struggling and you can work, but you cannot collaborate at the moment?

I wholeheartedly agree with the others that these are delusions. I've noticed your anxiety about contracting the virus has amped up slowly over the past few weeks. Do you have strategies to address that? Here are a few thoughts.

- Change your thought pattern to focusing on your health. Eat well. Add some physical movement to your day.

- Remember that statistically speaking it is far more likely that you will not contract coronavirus

-Remember that the vast majority of people who do contract it experience mild symptoms

-Remember that you are young and you have a good chance to fight it if you do become ill. Worry brings down your immune system. Focus on the factors that are in your favor instead

-Buy some Echinacea tea or elderberry or another immune system booster. There are also probiotic or vitamin C teas available. Do what you can to be proactive

-Spend minimal time with the news updates. Give yourself a limit. One can quickly get up to speed on the basics in as little as 15 min a day.

I've also considered a few ideas for working with the presence you feel. It is highly unlikely that you are a target of an evil scheme to make you sick. Your hyperfocus on the virus and the belief you will become a victim of it is more likely to blame for this manifestation. You can try repeating something to yourself like 'I accept this presence as a creation of my mind. It only holds the power I allow it to have. I greet it with unconditional love and ask for it to leave my mind and return to its source. I choose instead to experience strength and wellness.'

I hope this helps a little Blue. Let me know if there's anything specific I can do to help.

I will add... It is a pattern that you use the assistant as a reason not to give your doctor the information he absolutely should have. You delay contacting them and then things escalate and then you become angry when you realize you do need help and it is going to take longer. Call now. Be specific. Sugarcoating your symptoms because you fear IP will not help you. It is ok to add 'I do not believe I am a danger to myself physically at this time.' I hope both your doctor and therapist will see that you are being proactive and try their best to assist in other ways. I think they know it is in everyone's best interest to keep people out of hospitals if at all possible.

Hey Blue!

I don't think your T will commit you.
As fern has mentioned, you are showing insight.

Please do know that there is nothing to apologize for, Blue.
I wish I was a super hero!
We have walked beside you because we want to be present for you.
I did need to let you know we were running out of steam so it would not come as a surprise and so we could summon some additional support for you.
Making this thread is a great idea!

I love ya!

I, too, have a presence in my home. It adds stress to the stress I already feel.

I don't think your therapist will IP you. It does sound like you might benefit from a med review.

Keep us posted, blue

I doubt your therapist is going to force you into IP. So sorry you have to go through this. It's really important to be honest with your treatment team, and if you make it clear that you're not a danger to yourself or others (and it sounds like this is the case) you won't be sent inpatient. I'm also going to echo what others said again and ask you to please try as much as possible to get in touch with your pdoc despite the stupid assistant. You don't want to get to the point where you will be sent inpatient.

thanks everyone. I will reply to everyone's posts later. didn't see the responses until just now.

but tl;dr -- my therapist called me on my cell phone and we talked for 25 mins because her 10am appt ended sooner than anticipated. she gave me ways to challenge my thoughts and how to mentally "reset" myself. we still talk on Friday afternoon, so that appt is still there for me.

Oh, good, blue--so glad you got to speak with her. Some very good counsel above. It is very important to challenge these kinds of beliefs and experiences, I fully agree, and that can really help a lot.

That said, you are clearly experiencing psychosis right now. It is quite likely, in my somewhat extended experience in this milieu personally, that a med change will be required and will also help you to feel better. The stress/anxiety/panic attacks may well be almost entirely a consequence of the psychosis. I experience this all the time. When the psychotic stuff calms, even for just a bit, the stress reduces, anxiety goes down, and the chance of a full-on panic attack is greatly reduced. Treating the psychosis is treating the anxiety.


All of which is a long way of saying, irrespective of how irresponsible and uncaring the "assistant" is, you must inform your pdoc that you are experiencing significant psychosis. Just say the words. As fern says, when you are in the place you are currently in, you really can't afford to be rounding off the corners to avoid IP. The reason is, if this is not addressed head-on and promptly, there is always the chance it could further deteriorate and that, itself, could conceivably put one in the hospital. So, tell it like it is and do it now.

I hope your day is less stressful. I totally relate to what you are going through, as I am essentially in virtually the same boat, just with different details.

blue, just want to say that I've experienced people in my walls too. I feel for ya. I agree that you should contact your pdoc or therapist soon so it doesn't get worse.

Hiya Blue

No need to apologize.. I know you have been in a struggle

The reality is you cant " talk therapy" away psychosis, delusions and paranoia. You NEED a med change, Rexulti had you suicidal a few weeks ago and not your dealing with psychosis..

You NEED to call your Pdoc. Yes I know you hate dealing with his Assistant, You will just have to suck it up and do it. no one else can make that call for you..

Do yourself a favor right now... Write down exactly what you are seeing and feeling, delusions/ the presence/ the fear of being infected. When you call your Pdocs office ... read that list off to the assistant. Do not down play it , or say" just let him know when you can" Tell that person that you are in a Crisis,,because my friend you are...

You need immediate medication intervention. I do not believe that anyone is going to force you IP, Right now with what Is happening in our world and Corona virus??? Providers want to keep people at home and not in the hospital.. Maybe he gives you a med that will snow you under for a little while? and that is probably the best idea, Your running on empty now and that usually winds up in a big disaster...

So please stop right now and call.. Tell the assistant you are in a crisis and need help today... You might need a heavy hitting med for right now, Not long term, but right now to bring your thoughts back to the reality and you wont be living in fear.

You can do this right now

Thanks, fern. That was very helpful.

I called my pdoc, but apparently he is not working today...? The voicemail message thingy said that he was away and will be back tomorrow. So, I decided that what I'm going to do is take some klonopin tonight to see how it works, and then call back first thing in the morning to report on how I'm doing, and how the klonopin is working (or not working). Like, I mean calling back at 7am... because whether I left the message at 6am today or any other time, he wouldn't see it until tomorrow. Plus, I wanted to talk to my therapist first, if that makes sense.

As far as work strategies go, I do not have any strategies for work, no. I guess when I was trying to talk to people, I had a hard time focusing on what I wanted to say. I kept losing my train of thought and then I'd say things in a confusing manner that made sense to me, but not to them. It got to the point where they were like, "ok, we'll talk about this later in email. We have to get through the rest of the meeting."

Thanks, bpcyclist. I was honest with my therapist and told her everything (although I did not state that my alarm clock was giving me messages or that I was hearing beeps -- I just said that I was hearing and seeing things, and she didn't ask what it was). So, she gave me some tips on how to challenge these thoughts, and I'm practicing them right now.

I don't know how the heck I'm going to do my work though. I didn't do ANY work today. Not even exaggerating. I kept pacing around and, before I talked to my therapist, I was looking all throughout my apartment for presences, trying to see if I could catch a glimpse of one with my eyes.

Thanks, Christina.

I'm going to ask my pdoc about Vraylar. He said that if Rexulti didn't work out for whatever reason, we would go with Saphris... but everyone says Saphris tastes like @ss and some people says it makes them really sedated. I have not heard the same things about Vraylar, which he had also mentioned a while back, before he started talking about Saphris.

I will use the word "crisis" when I contact my pdoc's assistant. That's a good idea.

The only med that "works" for this stuff is Seroquel XR, but, aside from making me sleep all day, that gave me suicidal thoughts at the same time. I know this for a fact because I started feeling heavily depressed when we increased the dose to make it effective, and when I went off of it, the depression magically went away. So for me, Seroquel XR and Seroquel work for this kind of stuff, but they both cause depression in me, so they are not ideal. And Latuda and Abilify did nothing for any of my symptoms. I don't know why Rexulti doesn't help either.

That's great that your therapist gave you some coping strategies!

As for looking for the presences, did you actually see any? I've been there with them in the walls and had voices arguing with me. And each time, pdoc did a med change. You're going to be okay. I think your plan to call first thing is a great one! You can do this!

no, I haven't physically seen any presences, but my sensors are going off and telling me that they're still here.

the real problem is that my therapist and everyone else says that no, it's not true. they say this is not real. yet at the same time, I physically feel it. if it's not presences that I feel, then what IS it? I can feel energy emanating from something onto my back, so idk what else could explain the energy. I'm open for interpretations though, like if anyone has any idea what my sensors might be detecting.

I'm taking a klonopin tonight to drug myself to sleep and hopefully talking to my pdoc's worthless "assistant" tomorrow. she really annoys the crap out of me. but I don't think there is much I can do about it since getting a new pdoc will be impossible during this time.

Im glad you made the call

As for Saphris? Yes it tastes like garbage, Blackberry? nope ! ick..... I only took it twice. The first night I took it, I laid right down and I feel asleep with in 10-15 mins. The second night I had a huge asthma attack that I had to go to the ER for.. So I had to stop it.

I know people who are on it. They say after a week or so you get use to the taste and its helping them manage there Bipolar.

So all psych meds effect people differently.. There is no way to know what med is going to help you, you might need 2 meds and there is nothing wrong with that. You deserve to be able to enjoy life and not have psychosis and be scared. You need to be able to do your job and do it well.

So please have an open mind and allow your Pdoc to decide what medication you should try. Based on your current crisis he might want you on some other medication rather than the 2 he discussed..

Much Love

Yeah. I just know he won't prescribe me a 1st generation antipsychotic no matter what, as it is against the practice's rules. They have banned them.

I do not know what rexulti is doing to me, but I think I need to go off it. However, I will still take it until I am told not to take it because I know I will become raging mad again.

Sorry to hear about your experience with saphris though. But if that is what he wants me to go with and he thinks it is best, I guess I will do it. I would just prefer Vraylar since it seems to cause a lesser number of bad side effects.

All I know is that I am confused right now and f***ing up at work, so what I have currently obviously isn't working. And I can't tell my boss because I will get fired if I am honest because he won't believe me.