crying.... SH talk.

I don't know how H deals with me. He can't leave anywhere without worrying about my safety if I'm alone, rightfully so. Even when not depressed. Yet in public I'm glued to his side and wont leave the house without someone. The only time I'm "alone" is in therapy and the therapists office. So either way I'm ****ed. Is there a fast acting AP I can take when alone? I have no access to object I'd use for SH.

I haven't been outside for about 3 weeks. This is going to be so much worse when this ends. I haven't been doing well with self care. I'm not depressed but I've been crying at night. I think I might have a problem taking ambien to often to avoid my mood drop at night. I'm not sleeping without it.

I know I need to go into more detail about what exactly happens with my T when I'm alone but I don't know how she can help. Pdoc has no idea this is a problem. If anyone get sick I'm screwed. Isolation of either of us will be beyond hard.

I know you say you're not depressed, but are you sure you're not? You've been crying, wanting to SH, and taking ambien to deal with mood drops. I know personally that when I am depressed, sometimes the depression doesn't heighten until later in the day (typically the afternoon and nighttime). However, it is certainly possible you're just stressed out instead. I don't know which one it is, but I still kind of wonder if you're depressed, even if it's a low-grade depression?

I know that dealing with quarantine really sucks, and I fully understand your fear of getting sick. I'm the same way. However, I think you need some coping mechanisms to help with your SH thoughts in the moment. What have you tried to distract yourself with?

I am by no means encouraging SH, but people who feel they cannot control their impulses will grab ice from the freezer and squeeze it really hard. Other people draw on themselves with a red marker to mark where they would have SH'ed. However, I strongly do *NOT* recommend letting yourself get to that point. I think the ice and marker things should be used as an absolute last resort. But I'm just pointing out that those are options you can do when you feel you absolutely cannot control the impulses.

Sending hugs it definitely sounds like you're experiencing depression at some level. Like Blue said, sometimes depression worsens at certain times during the day. What coping skills do you have? What can you do to distract yourself? My thing right now is making paper airplanes, so it really can be ANYTHING to get your mind off of self harming. One thing that helps me not to self harm is keeping a counter of how long it's been since I cut. I use this app called Quit That! and actually just recently passed 200 days w/o SH. Pretty cool to know how long you've been clean from whatever problematic behaviors you engage in. I also use it to keep track of how long it's been since I did things like laundry, go to group, etc, but I'm getting a little off track.

I agree that things like squeezing ice can help if you're really about to SH, but again it's best to avoid getting there and use some more helpful coping skills like journaling or listening to music.
What can you do right now to improve your self care? Maybe a hot shower? Brush your teeth? Just something productive to help maybe not feel so awful

What non true self harm ways can you tried to help you take the edge of the desire to self harm to give yourself a relief? When a person has a history of self harm to cope and yes it is a coping skill of course a bad one but it offers a bit of grounding.. Snapping a rubber band on your wrist is a good one, but what I find more helpful is holding ice . It will release endorphines so your mood will level for a little while, mins, or hours. Its not a long term solutions but it has its place.

I maybe a little low. Which my pdoc and T know about. I've been trying to sleep through it when I get depressed at night. I tend to be okay around people I know. Still wanting to but detracting myself. When I'm alone it tends to be a grounding thing to the things I think and hear, like a "See you're okay."/hyper-focus on something else other then the feelings and thoughts. The ice thing may work for that. I've tried the 5 senses thing, coloring. staying where I'm siting, music, repeating "You're okay, it's okay, everything's fine.". Maybe painting on myself will work. H gets worried anything I do out of the ordinary. I'll try the rubber band thing too.

As far as self care I need to start eating regularly, comb my hair, shower and brush my teeth but that all sounds to tiring. Plus a lot of those things I need help with and it seems like I'm a bother to H right now. I asked for help cooking and I got "Have Miguel cook,"

That's great you told your pdoc and T. Good to hear that you're keeping them up to speed with how you're doing.

I noticed that you're doing some self care things, which is great too. But one aspect of self care is getting exercise (if you can) or at least going outside. So, can you go outside for some fresh air or for a walk? I'm not saying you have to go somewhere where you'll be unsafe, but even just sitting on your porch/balcony (if you have one) or walking around your yard might be enough. Take in the environment.