I feel like I've been playing up my symptoms this whole time

I never really started getting manic symptoms until after I was diagnosed, which seems a little weird. I was 20 at the time and my therapist was 100% convinced I was having a full-blown manic episode, but deep down I don't think that was the case. I didn't start having "serious" manic symptoms until I was around 23, when it was hitting me every few months for a month at a time.

What if I was just really happy? I have ADHD and can be really hyper and have pressured speech, which is the symptom that people most notice when I'm "up".

Can I psych myself into having diagnosable hypo/manic episodes? I've been hospitalized for these symptoms and told by the two best doctors in the state that it's mania, but I think I've just been playing it up this whole time. There's no way I could actually have this disorder, I don't really see it that much in my earlier years.

As of now, I haven't had that same extreme elevated mood in over a year now and it's easy for me to get caught up in this line of thought. I wasn't questioning it back then, but after being able to miss meds and sleep for consecutive days without having my mood shoot up, I don't know. Antidepressants don't seem to trigger me either. They do nothing to me.

Most doctors I've seen have diagnosed me with either NOS or type 1, but if anything I wanna say I'm type 2. Even the supposed psychotic symptoms I've experienced could have just been an overactive mind.

I just get depression, and not even severely. Sometimes it's bad enough I get hospitalized, but most of the time I just sulk in sadness with low energy for months. The elevation, when it happens, is totally random and can hit me at any time of the year. There's no set pattern. No identifiable triggers, nothing.

I know I've posted a lot about this, but I need to get this out there. I don't expect anyone here can tell me what I do or don't have, but just typing out my worries helps. Thanks for reading, if you did.

Hi 251turnaround. You are far from being the only one whose questioned bipolar episodes. The issue is insight. Sometimes we can't fully comprehend what's going on in our own brains and how we present to the public. Experts and loved ones see different things from what we may see. Sure, some people have relatives that question their illnesses, too. Sometimes there is some merit to that, but other times it's denial or even that such symptoms became "normalized", at times. And other reasons. The quest to answer "What is normal behavior?" is sometimes a tough one. Or sometimes it's "How abnormal was that behavior?"

I often forget to take this into account. My first session with my current doc I was elevated and she confirmed the bipolar diagnosis right away on the spot. It just feels like I have a lot of energy and need to express myself emphatically. If anything, it feels like I've had too much to drink.

I guess if the meds help (which they do; more than I realize), I should stop worrying about labels and focus on that. As long as the treatment is making me feel less terrible, it doesn't matter.

I think that if the treatment is helping, then labels are of little importance (except for insurance purposes if this applies)

I have wondered - even obsessed - over the same issue. What I find is that the feedback I've received from family and from my therapist seem to verify my pdoc's diagnosis.

I think the bipolar condition is very complex. It manifests itself so differently in every person affected by it that it gets downright confusing at times. What's even more frustrating is that people with bipolar tend to have other psych conditions as well, which can really confound the picture. As such -- as BirdDancer pointed out -- it is difficult to define "normal behavior."

I think it's okay if you're worried about labels and if you question things sometimes. I do think it is healthy to occasionally question any kind of diagnosis, because it shows that you're trying to understand yourself and you're making sure that your needs are met. But what is NOT healthy is to question your diagnosis constantly and not talk to a mental health or medical professional about it. A lot of times, that just causes undue anxiety and stress on us. And if we change up our meds because of denial (and believe me, I have done this on many occasions), we just make things even worse.

Nowadays, I'm trying to go with the flow and talk things out about diagnoses. Though, my therapist always says that my meds help me, and that's what I cling onto when I feel lost in this mess. However, sometimes I do forget that or question her opinion, so I have to ask her again and again. But it's better that I talk to her than to just go off and do things on my own. (I dislike my pdoc, so I do not talk to him.)

I have a feeling my pdoc will insist I have the correct diagnosis. I tried to get a reduction in meds and she would not budge; says I need them to stay out of the hospital, which is kind of true. I'll ask directly regardless next time I get to speak to her. This has been nagging at me for some time, now. I'd like to set the record straight on what I need.

I was initially diagnosed in 1997 as mostly just an addiction person. Then, a few months later, as major depressive. Then, six years later, had my first massive manic and psychotic episodes and was then manic and psychotic pretty continuously for two years.

The upper pole of bipolar and its symptoms have a directly inverse relationship with patient insight, as BirdDnacer wisely points out. The sicker we are, the less aware of our sickness we are. It is a terrible and dangerous combination, for quite obvious reasons. I once drove my car 70 miles an hour in rush hour on a Friday afternoon because I believed I had to defuse a nuclear bomb by 3 PM. I don't know how to defuse a nuclear bomb, actually. There was no nuclear bomb, actually. But it took three weeks to finally convince me of those facts.

The other issue raised is the impact of the sometimes (not always for all people) cyclical nature of this illness. When symptoms abate, we feel "normal" again, sometimes, for a bit. I felt great from 2014-2017. Fantastic. It is a perfectly natural human response to wonder, in such a situation, whether that "old" diagnosis of that terrible brain disorder that seems to be "gone" now was correct or not. Why wouldn't we all not want to have this illness?

But, if we actually do have it, it virtually always will be back. Almost always. It is a cruel aspect of the illness, in a sense, because it does cause many of us to gain a kind of inaccurate, ultimately, false hope that we are either cured or never had it.


Some people actually believe this is so common in bipolar 1 that it ought to actually be a part of the diagnostic criteria. I almost agree with that--that is how common it is.