I do not let Bipolar define me

I was first diagnosed with bipolar at the age 30, 6 months after I finished my master’s degree. I’m really surprised that I didn’t crack sooner. A Master’s degree AND a full-time job! According to my psychologist I had a “psychotic break”…I already used up Holden Caulfield’s “mental breakdown” in Junior year of college when I freaked the ***** out and fell into a deep depression and withdrew from all my courses that quarter and took LOA from my job on campus. The University Psychologist told me I was clinically depressed and gave me a huge bottle of Celexa when I left the summer after I graduated. I’ve always felt a “little depressed” my whole life. I’m quiet and introverted and easy to pick on, apparently.

When I had my “psychotic break” the police were called on me by my neighbors due to my bizarre behavior. Was it though? Yes, yes it was. I was put on a 72 hour hold and the hospital believed that I was on drugs and my Primary Care Physician said I was highly functional and took the risperidone pills away from me. This was after the hospital told me to reduce the dosages to wing myself off the drug slowly. They must have thought I was trippin’ balls on acid or something (which apparently an episode of psychosis is very similar to a drug induced episode – I do NOT recommend it). With my risperidone pills taken away…blah blah blah…had another episode, was fired from my job, and then sent to another hospital for 6 weeks.

Time lapse….almost 10 years later and I’ve had 5 maybe 6 (I lost count) episodes of mania/psychosis, some “attempts” and I have been hospitalized over a dozen times and was approved for SSDI twice (denied it and chose to work both times). I’ve lost 3 jobs and 2 boyfriends because of my illness yet I own 2 houses and have tenants and currently have a full-time job! Whenever I fall hard, I pick myself up higher than before.

I’m very open about having bipolar. My boss knows and so do my coworkers. I, however, do not feel like bipolar defines me. Have I ever played the “bipolar card”? Yes, I’m guilty. Having bipolar can disrupt life at times but maybe my talent for art and music is because of my bipolar. I think when I tell people I have bipolar disorder, it scares them, so I wait to disclose this information until the time seems right.

I’m always afraid if I take on too many projects, I’ll get “revved” up and it will push me into an episode.

I’m always afraid that if I don’t get enough sleep, I’ll get hypomanic and it will push me into an episode.

I, however, do not let bipolar define me. It’s a unique attribute that adds to my personality.

What a great post, Jenny!

You're right that we should not let bipolar define us.

You definitely went through a bunch of rough patches, but you sound like you're doing great.

Good for you, Jennyy!!!