Bipolar check-in #46

Hopelessly behind on these posts. Been quite symptomatic, obviously. Just had pdoc. I am about to go to pharmacy and pick up Trilafon? Whatever that is. He says I need full dopamine something or other blockade, or something like that. Sometimes Abilify can actually make psychosis worse, he said. Long story I do not really grasp. Something about agonist/antagonist?

He says he does not believe I am refractory yet. That there are several thing to try, still. So, that made me feel better. Looks like the Provigil is probably history. We will have to go with something else once the psychosis is under control.

That is it from here. Made myself leave the house yesterday for first time in over a week. So paranoid. Did 52 miles. Took forever. But it was good for me. Saw some cute dogs and bunnies and pretty azaleas, which made me happy. I know I am still capable of feeling good, somewhere inside me. Maybe try to go for a quick ride today, since I have to leave to get that med.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

Love and hugs!!!

Trilafon is a first generation antipsychotic, I take it and it’s been really helpful plus no side effects, hope it helps you

I hope the Trilafon serves you well, bpcyclist! I have a small amount of experience with it and it worked beautifully at leveling my mood (then manic) and I recall it even made me feel truly normal again, in a very good way. The reason I stopped is not worth mentioning. I would definitely try it again if I needed to.

I emailed my therapist about 40 minutes ago and told her I wanted to end therapy until we could get back to her office. I just think these video sessions are hurting more then they are helping. She gets distracted, I get distracted. I can’t say what I want to say. I shut down. I have to go into the closet to get privacy. She says stuff like she did last session that puts me in a funk all week. I just cannot keep doing it. I like her a lot I just don’t want to keep doing it on video chat.

She hasn’t replied yet. If she replies to my emails it’s usually within 10 minutes. but I’m sure she will because that email needs to be replied to for business reasons if nothing else.

@~Christina, I hope the third time's the charm! I worry about you guys. And your med making your immune system weak! Someone reboot your (current) lifealready!

Spent almost $1000 today on bills. Got my $1200 from the government. Im going to try to save that for moving.

I am feeling some better. Still bleeding with bm's. But I FEEL better.

I didn't crawl out of beds until 5 pm. I was curled up in a ball wishing I am able to cry [trigger] maybe dead [\trigger]. I don't have the energy to put towards anything but don't care. I feel like such a screw up not getting the curriculum out on time. enough to beat myself up about it but not enough to work on it. I can't decide if I'm painfully empty or just numb or if this is "normal". I'm nauseous. feel like I'm about to cry. I know this is temporary maybe tomorrow will feel better. Yesterday I was fine. My nephew got into a bad accident but nothing is broken and he's home. I want to feel better even temporarily and I know how to but I can't. IDK,

I'm sorry I haven'tbeen reading posts or responding much. Trying to make it through the minute is really tough for me right now. I hope you can understand.

We do understand, spikes. No need for an apology. We wish the best for you. Take care of yourself first.

I'm here to report my wife's COVID test came back negative. That means we can go ahead with my ECT next Friday.

I'm so glad to hear that Daonnachd. Are you ok for another week?

Thank you for asking. Will I feel good? No. Will I survive? Yes. Will I resist slicing my skin open again? I don't know. My T is keeping close tabs on me so I think with her help I should make it.

That's awesome news!! So glad she tested negative. I hope your ECT appointment next week helps.

Stay safe until then

That is amazing news. Sendind supportive vibes for a successful treatment next week.

I feel anxiety because i have to take my dog for her nail trim tomorrow. The groomers are open on a limited basis with safety precautions due to the virus. I didn't feel that i could ask my neighbor to drive us. I didn't want to put her in that position, having to decide between helping us and risking her health. So i'm going to cab it which ramps up the anxiety as sometimes the drivers are grouchy about dogs. I've ordered my cab and specified that i will be travelling with a dog but still sometimes i'll get a real Oscar-the-Grouch.

If it's anything other than an ordeal i will be surprised. Our appointment is at 4:00pm. Wish us luck!

I've felt down the past few days. The few nudges i was feeling towards hypomania have stopped. I feel really weak insecure lonely. I know everyone is suffering because of the lockdown. I sure want to make an effort to have more of a life when it's over. All this time to reflect leaves me realizing how empty my life is. I did what i could by going in my Scrabble club's online meeting on Wednesday but it's not very interactive, we just play and that's that. I tried calling in to my IRL support group's warm-line but it didn't satisfy.

Not sure if i can carry on. Memories of the past attacking me. Keeping the crisis line in mind.

Yes Moose!!!! Thank you that is indeed what we need here

Fantastic news

Well, I have not slept yet, but I was binge watching some stuff on Netflix. It's now almost 12:20am, and the last time I checked the clock, it was like 8 something. lol.

I am going to bed now... I hope. If not, I will take a shower and then hop into bed.

I had a good therapy appointment today, but I was meaning to discuss how my meds have been making things worse for me. We ran out of time though, so it is what it is. Guess I will write down some stuff on a sticky note to remind myself. Heck, I still haven't even told my therapist about the mean lady who they let back into the practice, the one who accused me of lying and (IMO) purposely cancelled my appt out of spite.

Blue I hope sleep finds you quickly

My therapist emailed me and said that she understood and that it was ok to take a break from therapy but the office wouldn’t be open until June at least. And to go to the hospital if I feel unsafe. And to reach out if I need anything.

Today I feel pretty decent considering I’m getting my period in 1.5 days. Maybe taking a break from therapy really is what I need.

I'm feeling really good. I think my doctor has found the magic combo and dose of meds. My mood is stable, I feel much less anxiety, and I'm optimistic. I'm hoping this lasts. I'm sure my own efforts to stay calm and stable have helped as well like mindfulness, meditation, limiting news, using coping skills and getting enough sleep.

I bought a giant word search book today so that will be something to help keep me relaxed/distracted. It's getting hotter out lately so I need to get some regular T shirts, I mostly have long sleeved shirts from winter. Will probably get those tomorrow when I'm doing my household necessities shopping. Have to do my grocery shopping next week, hopefully that goes well.

I'm just counting down the days till my Xbox comes, that should be a lot of fun. Had my McDonald's yesterday, it's probably been nearly a year since I had fast food so that was amazing!

Feeling much better. Haldol has calmed my agitation greatly and the increase in lamictal has helped depression. If anything, I’m a bit hypo. Spent a lot of money. I ordered three band tee shirts when I realized mine don’t fit anymore corona weight! And some earrings and some clothes for my son. But I also paid a bunch of medical bills (stimulus = gone lol). So at least they won’t go to collections. It’s a good thing we can’t really go to the stores because I want to go SHOPPING. Not just online shopping lol.

I had to print something so we ended up breaking social distancing and going to my mom’s. We wore masks but didn’t keep 6ft because her house is too small for all that. I’m having another virtual happy hour with my brother and sister in law tonight. That’ll be nice.

The gov opened the parks back up and it is simply GORGEOUS out so tomorrow we will likely go for a hike and maybe have a social distance picnic like Christina suggested with my grandma. I really miss her and I’m still afraid that I might never see her again if she catches it. So if we wear masks and keep 6ft outside we should be ok and at least I’ll get to see her, even if I can’t hug her.

So glad for the wonders of medication. Haldol specifically. It works quickly for me and squashed the mixed episode within a couple of days.

I was so touched by the way RS handled the whole situation. He didn’t even get mad at me after I hurt myself. He just said he was sorry it got to that point and he understood that I was in a lot of pain and it wasn’t really me. He gave me lots of cuddles and just lay in bed with me for hours while I was writhing from bad thoughts and bad energy. I’ve never had that. My mom used to get mad at me and so did my husband. My husband never told me it would be ok or that we would get through this together. He always just said “I don’t know why you’re doing this to me”. I loved my husband very much, and he loved me, but I truly think RS is the man I was supposed to end up with for life. My husband and I had some great times and I will always love him. But RS is my true love.