Bipolar check-in #46

Totally in favor of sparkles... That said, if that is a filthy chain, I would love to see a spiffy one. Mine never looks that good. At least, during the wet months, that is.

Welp, clearly, something very odd is going on with me right now. I somehow decided yesterday that it would be a good idea to drink a beer. I don't drink. I am in recovery. For more than 12 years. Did not get drunk or go on any kind of a bender, but, it is very, very strange that I could ever, ever consider this to be a good decision. Just not really sure what is happening with me at the moment.

I had huge addiction issues in my younger days, mostly, I believe, when suffering from bipolar episodes not yet diagnosed or treated. Since being somewhat, well, at least, better, managed in terms of bp stuff, addiction has been a total non-issue. Easy as pie now. Impossible then. Cakewalk now. Until yesterday.

Oh well. Need to see my pdoc. I have really struggled over the past 9 months. Psychosis better at the moment, but still not totally stable, clearly. Weird. I am too weird.

I’m having really bad anxiety and changes in mood every few minutes. I have stomach cramps as well so this feels more like PMS. I’m holding off quitting my job until I see if I do get my period. I just feel so incredibly unsafe being at work right now. I work retail.

Congrats on your weightloss Jennifer!

Welp after getting up early for days in a row, now I woke up at 10:30 this morning BUT rolled back over and the next thing I knew it was FIVE! I got up and ate some spicey gumbo which was a shock to my tongue. With all that sleep I had some interesting dreams. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I have to get up and pay the bills and go to the pharmacy tomorrow.

I think I have pms. Doesn’t explain the insomnia and obsessiveness but does explain the mood swings and irritability. My periods are all screwed up from my prolactin swinging between high and normal thanks to haldol. It’s really late this month but I expected that because of high prolactin.

I have to catch up on this thread, so I’m sorry for not reading everything just yet

I'm sitting here and wondering why I was hearing my phone talk to me. It was turned off when I was hearing it talk, but I wonder if maybe my phone was picking up other signals and then amplifying them? The voices were mumbling, though, so I have no idea what the voices in my phone were saying.

I will say that I have had this situation before where my phone, laptop, or iPad amplifies sounds that I am normally not aware of. I guess my phone is like a loudspeaker of some sort that amplifies the hidden voices and hidden sounds.

Anyway, I am feeling really tired, so I am going to head off to bed. For now, I am just going to toss my phone in the (clean) laundry basket in hopes the clothes will mask the voices. I am tired of hearing voices come out of my electronics. It's annoying, but I am sure many of you can relate to this.

Blue I once thought i heard voices coming from n3's room. When I went to check it out he had some mass of wires and a small caseless speaker. It was a radio that was talking!

I am hopelessly behind on here.. Hugs to all that are needing them

So I've finally gotten a therapist, but it's only for 3 sessions per issue ("case") for free...and it's complicated. But I started last week and have another one scheduled for this week and I'm discussing marital stuff first. Then will work on more personal issues. It's stressful, but t seems nice and is accommodating to my needs.

In other news, talked with GP again. The main takeaway is he's increasing my Zoloft from 100 to 150mg daily to combat any extra anxiety as well as my OCD tics (BFRBs). I didn't even think of it during the session, and I'm not too worried because I've been symptom free for awhile now on Zoloft and even my "symptoms" were apparently not problematic, but am just giving a heads up to folks who know me/my situation that I might have some changes...if I really am on the bipolar spectrum. So kinda just a heads up and that I might be checking in more because of this.

In other news, I'm ever so slightly concerned ...no, i don't even want to say it. Let's just say that i've had a stye for a couple of weeks and have been fatigued past few days. Stye is a bit concerning because of it's length, but it gets better, but the fatigue is likely just PMS. (started my cycle 5 days early this month. wth?!)

Um...I'm going to start my own personal writing challenge tomorrow and for the month of June. The official CampNanowrimo is in July as it turns out, but I'm ready to go now. Might do both months, or might just do it this month and skip the official one. At any rate, my creative juices have been staying pretty good this whole year, so that's good. I've also been coloring in my Mandala coloring book.

Not really much else. I'm pretty boring and well, Covid doesn't help matters either. Just do a lot of tv and movie watching.

It's midnight here and I'm ****ing pissed about practically everything! Grrrr. This is really more of a rant, but I feel the need to get my story out because for all I know it could help someone.
First I feel like my therapist just gave up on me and is just doing sessions to make my pdoc happy that I'm in therapy instead of doing what a decent person would do and ****ing fire me as her patient. **** it, I've never had a good individual therapist. I'm not answering next time she calls. I'm thinking of dropping all treatment together. My bipolar/schizoaffective diagnosis is ******** anyways. You know what led to my first diagnosis? Being angry at my therapist and my dad telling the psychiatric nurse practitioner that "[I get] hyper and sad." Then that moron was like "yup, sounds bipolar to me." Then in IOP the psychiatrist there diagnoses pretty much everyone that walks through those doors as bipolar. Literally every friend I've had from those groups was diagnosed bipolar by that pdoc. I admit I have some dysfunctional habits, yes, but everyone does, and not everyone is bipolar. I feel like all these assholes did to me for years was gaslight me and it got to me. Not just the psychiatrists/nurse practitioners/therapists, but exes, parents, friends, etc. All some ****ing stupid plot because they knew I would rule the ******* world some day or win a nobel peace prize or some ****. But no, instead of letting me do my thing they ruin me. Ridiculous.
I'm getting away from these people. No more injections, no more therapy, no more pdoc, nada. If the **** hits the fan, oh well. I'm going to move too to get away from all my "friends" and "family" who just screw me over.I'm pretty sure my ex has been stalking me since the last time we talked like three years ago too. Just a gut instinct I know is right. He's probably disappointed in me for letting all this **** happen, but hell for all I know he was in on it too.
Ciao!

Been away a couple (few?) days. Been hit with waves of hopelessness. Spells of teariness. I don't know if it's the BP or not. I'm getting things done though. BDD is eating me alive, but that's nothing new. It does contribute quite a lot to the hopelessness. And gut-wrenching pangs off wanting . This is a constant, but I'm not I did talk with T a couple weeks ago about it.

I'm SOOOOO over this ****ing pandemic. It's very much not helping.

all around. Sorry to be so far behind in keeping up.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I have to contact my therapist because my spending is out of control. I literally buy things impulsively because in the moment, I think they look "super cool" or "really fun," but when I get them in the mail, I'm like "meh, don't wanna do this anymore." I also cannot return most of these things. For example, some are used books, some are kindle ebooks, a bunch are shoes, some are used electronics, a lot was bike stuff that I already used, etc.. I can probably return maybe $200 worth of the things I got... because I'm an idiot who thinks "ooooo. What a great deal on used things!" and "last-chance clearance is awesome!" I don't want to have to sell everything on eBay or whatever. It's not worth the headache.

I don't think it's mania at all. I think I'm just being super impulsive for no good reason. Maybe it's because I'm bored? I'm also super distracted and can't focus on work because I'm thinking about too many things at once. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I really, really hate myself right now.

I just have to rant for a minute. I am so miserable right now. I’m super irritable, my son is pissing me off for no reason. Just because he won’t. Stop. Talking. He’s always like this and it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday and today I just want to scream at him. I won’t because it’s not his fault, he just loves to talk. I just want silence. I am also super depressed. I just want to lay in bed and shut out the world.

Thing is, I KNOW it’s just PMS. I’m thinking I actually have PMDD. This happens every time I’m about to get my period. About three days before, I get so depressed and angry. Once I actually get my period it goes away instantly. I’m just trying to hold on until it comes. It’s late because my hormones were all screwed up from haldol. It’s been two weeks since I ditched haldol so I’m guessing my hormones are starting to level out again. Bring on the misery!

I want to go back on ortho tricylin lo. It helped a lot more than this stupid mini pill. My dr took me off of it because I was smoking but I’ve been smoke free since January so I hope she will consider it again. I don’t have an appt until the end of June though. For my annual.

Ugh. My eating is also out of control. I ate half a bag of cheese doodles at 10am. I just had McDonald’s for lunch (though no fries) and a chocolate milkshake. I want to eat everything in sight. I’m not even hungry I just feel like snacking. It’s maddening.

I hope this goes away soon.

Ok rant over.

I hear you on the pandemic. That’s what drove me into a deep depression in the first place. My state is slowly starting to reopen but they say a second wave is inevitable. So we will probably be locked down again in a few months. I can’t take it. AND I read that over half of Americans won’t even get the vaccine if/when they develop one. So who knows how long it could take to die out.

Ohhhhhhhh IZ My heart breaks for you.. Do you think a call to your Pdoc might help, and maybe an add on for short turn to help level you out???

I am so sick of Covid also..

Find compassion an kindness for your self.

Im here is you need anything

I just met with my Pdoc. It went ok but he kept asking how the welbutrin was helping my weight loss. Which wasn’t why he was putting me on it. I mentioned I had lost 9 pounds and he said “whoa! You lost 9 pounds during a pandemic sitting around and just eating? I bet when you get back to work your weight loss is going to excel.” He doesn’t even know what I weigh though. I didn’t say I was eating. How does he not know I am severely underweight?

I mean, did he forget he prescribed me the Wellbutrin because I had crippling depression and couldn’t get out of bed for a week? He didn’t mention how my depression was at all. I have ED traits and while I am trying to lose weight I found his comments to be a bit triggering.

The Wellbutrin is helping way more with my depression then it is with my weight loss.

I just freak out when stuff like this happens and then I get trust issues with everyone at that place including with my therapist.

Can you fill up your car with gas, go to the grocery store, Pharmacy and then give your cards to your Mom so you wont have the access? Of course delete any sites that you have your payment automatically on there?

I am sorry, IZ. Truly. What about maybe a med adjustment of some kind? Have you made any moves lately?

This is very good advice.

I spent t $10K in three days on guitars once. A buddy bought a $450K sailboat during his first manic episode. Wife not happy. On and on...