Bipolar check-in #46

Something in the air, I guess. Flew into an absolute rage yesterday. Beyond irritable and agitated. Fired off a rage-o-gram. Apologized, hours later. Mixed type episode? Maybe. Not sure. But really, really angry and irritable right now about everything.

On the plus side, I sent a note to the woman who used to run the PSRB here, the program that supervises people who have pleaded insanity. Very proud of myself for confronting her. I believe she is complicit in my torture. We will see if she responds. Oh, don't worry--I sent that one before I became raging. It was quite calm. If she does not reply, then, I would say I likely have my answer. She probably did know I was being tortured and lied to my lawyer and me when we begged her to tell us. She is morally bereft, sadly. Guess where she works now? That's right, the Protland Police Bureau. Inspector General. How appropos...

Love and hugs to all. I need to keep off email and off the phone until I calm down. Forgot how angry I am capable of becoming. Spooky.

I have posted an update on my husband's health and situation on my thread..

I am just running out of mental and physical ability to deal with this all, But I will, I have to, I have no choice.

I am trying to find time for self care, Its very hard to do.

My daughter put up a beautiful post on Facebook about my husband, To her he is a second dad. She hates that she can not come to see us Because of Covid.

My husband's middle son was suppost to get his instrument testing to keep working towards getting another step up to a bigger plane. He is a flight attendant. Well he and Steve is wanting to let him come up here and take his test as he would not have to wait 4 months. But because of Covid all flight testing in Miami is backed up approx 4 months.

I absolutely do not want the kids up here, Many people are asymptomatic just shedding illness.. He is back flying for American Airline, He is literally in a petri dish of possible Covid and any other illness. I do NOT feel it is safe, if my husband were to catch it he would not survive, I am doubtful I would make it due to my Asthma and Biologic. I feel bad for his son , but I also am angry that he would even think it would be okay to come here with his dad so ill Why risk infection your ill father?????.. Steve said well he could wear a mask ... like he will wear one all the time while he is here And now there is larger debate on whether mask are helpful anyway.

This might turn into a very difficult round of talks with Steve to understand that the risk is too high...

I know this will sound ridiculous, but I have my credit card numbers memorized because I've typed them in so many times. I think I have to shred them both and tell the credit card companies that I "lost" my card and need a new one. Only then can I give my credit cards to my parents.

I don't know why I have the urge to shop. There are some times where I get "obsessed" with a specific thing and then I go out and buy everything related to that thing. It's like I see a YouTube video or an ad online, and then I say to myself, "wow, that's so cool. I'm going to buy a bunch of stuff!" even though I barely know anything about said product(s). It's really impulsive and I don't know why I've been doing it lately. I mean, these obsessions can form in as little as one hour. I don't even think about them; I just buy, buy, and buy some more...

It's very nice out, a bit on the hot side as its in the eighties. I went and brought flowers for the flower box that's built on to the house. Not a lot of choices. No geraniums and no mare golds. I don't know what I bought but they look nice. They are small with only a few flowers but they should grow. The kind of like marigolds are two toned red to yellow, then there's a small yellow flower that I think will creep and a red flower one that stands taller. Then I brought a hanging pansy plant to put in the back next to the humming bird feeder. Now I need a geranium for the pot by the garage. Don't know where I'm gonna find that. There's just not much choice it's like the covid affected flowers too.

Speaking of covid my new masks arrived today. Very nice and easier to breath with than the homemade ones. Mine is Heather grey and mum is a muted pink.

I got outside yesterday and sat in the sun, I slept well and I think that's what gave me the energy to tackle the flowers today. In a bit when the sun moves off the deck I'll go sit outside again, earth energy, can't beat it! Hugs and croissants for everybody.

Yes cancel your cards, do just your basic need of food , gas and meds and then give them to your Mom..

You dont want to saddle your self with large payments on credit cards monthly..

Oh the flowers sound lovely

We lost many plants over the winter and Im so angry about it. They should have come back this spring/... But big far Nope !

Its been too damn hot here already.. I have gotten one dog washed today and plan to do the other one when Steve gets up from his nap. I cant scrub and hole them..

Im so happy you got out into the sun

I don't blame you for not wanting the kids near you and Steve. It's a safety thing and I hope everyone respects your wishes.

You're right -- most people can't wear masks of any sort for extended periods of time. I see everyone here pulling their masks down to below their nose (or even on their chin) because they feel they're being suffocated by the mask. So even if masks do help, many people don't wear them properly, whether they do so intentionally or not. So yeah, I can see where you're coming from when you say you don't think he'll wear a mask the whole time he is there. There is no way I could wear a cloth mask for more than 30 mins.

I’m feeling better. I attribute that to sunshine, keeping busy and probably Lithium. I’m beating my step goals every day which increase every time you reach a goal so I’ve really been hustling.

I went to get my hair cut in a cute little bob with bangs for summer ease. The owner was hurrying and wanted me to leave and go straight home because they plan to riot around the mall tonight. That’s too close for comfort. I hope the police can keep the destruction down. I have no problem with peaceful protests.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Slept very well and feel quite good this morning, other than vast national grief and sorrow. The n'hood in Seattle, where my best pal lives, looked like a freaking banana republic last night wiht tear gas and flahs bangs and guns. Insanity.

I really hve to figure out how I can remember to take all my medications. I am alone here and I often forget to take some of them. I just don't know how to help myslef with this. I wish there was a service for people living independeently where we could go and get our meds every day. That would be perfect for me. Then, all I would have to do is show up. Pretty sure that, I could pull off.

Being in the hospital for so long was very good for my bipolar. I was way more stable being around all that support. I have to admit, given how hard it has been for me since getting out in 2016, that I sometimes wonder whether I should just live in a hospital forever. Maybe that is where I belong or something...

Hugs and love to all. Trying to remain apolitical here, but I did experience some hope this morning hearing Mr. Biden talk about Dr. King and Rosa Parks. Maybe we will get through this somehow.

I spent a lot of yesterday anxious that I might have been exposed to anthrax. Long story that I won't waste space here on! In any case, this morning I seem to be past that.

I mentioned in another post that I do not feel like having my therapy video session today. Yes, considering above, some may think it necessary, but I just need a break. My therapist never seems to take a vacation, and the ones I have known about seem to be very short and always fall between my weekly Tuesday appointments. Actually, I am kind of yearning for a day completely alone, too. Hubby has been working from home for a long time now. I asked him if he wishes he had an occasional day all to himself, and he said no, that he likes me home all of the time with him. Of course that makes me feel guilty/bad about my wish.

I don't know what to do with myself, lately. Major home projects are done. The whole flurry of activity that began when we thought hubby would be laid off, is over, since he wasn't. I did express my desire to "run away" (with him), in a sense. We've been looking for flights to Europe in September, which we can't really afford. We are obviously uncertain if the pandemic will still prevent/damper that. My husband's best friend regularly travels to Europe for his job. He just returned from there. Before he left on that trip, he had a major hassle getting a doctor's certificate stating he did NOT have covid 19. Firstly, he struggled to even get tested since they require people must "first display symptoms". Yes, there are some very long line drive through tests in the state, but that wouldn't provide a doctor's certificate. He had to really argue for one, and the test had to be no more than four days before his departure. At least that was the rule for Czech Republic, where he went. It was helpful that he has both American and Czech passports, too. If he didn't, they might not have let him board the onward flight from Frankfurt, Germany to Prague. He said that one American man was sent back to the US, I guess because of unpreparedness, his reason for going to Prague (a friend's wedding), and the fact that they are hesitant to accept people from the US, where the very worst of the pandemic has been. Hopefully this won't be so strict in September. We plan to fly to Vienna, Austria, which has similar rules as Czech Republic. My hubby's Czech passport wouldn't help in that case, if the same rules apply in September. And of course I don't even have an EU country passport. My husband's friend said that upon return to the US, there was basically no checks or inquiries about covid 19 exposure. I'm not sure if it was because he is also an American citizen, or if that was across the board.

You're a former doctor, aren't you? What would you tell your patients if they could not remember to take their meds?

Right now, I can only think of using a pill organizer and setting alarms at specific times of the day when you need to be taking your meds.

You can also ask your doctor friends for advice too. I am sure you have at least one medical professional you can talk to besides your pdoc.

Forgive me if this is too personal, but how did you afford all these things in one month.? Do you have great credit and everything went on a card with an $8,000 limit?

I don't really "afford" it. I do not make enough money to sustain this kind of lifestyle. I had some money saved up for a house, and well... I spent a good chunk of it. Also, my credit limit is $9800, but I learned in the past that if I hit more than $4500 in owed money on my statement, then the credit card company kinda "freezes" my account and starts requesting me to "approve" purchases via text message. (They have done that before.) So, i paid my bill three times in the past 4 weeks to avoid hitting the artificial limit.

Or worse, not be able to afford those payments. Then your credit score could be affected.

Yeah that happened to a friend of mine. He went to pay for a $3,000 Apple computer at the Apple store and his card was declined. They tried several times with varying amounts and this froze his account. Finally, he had the store hold the computer and he went to the bank and withdrew cash and came back to the store and purchased the computer.

I think...... deleted



Worried about some friends.

(((Fuzzybear)))

I am feeling depressed, but hopeful.

this week I have had a few calls which I hope go some way to getting what I want (which is mainly to move and to have a better mental health team).

we'll see..

I went on another walk today around 8:30 this morning for about an hour. It was beautiful sunny cool weather and again I talked with my friend. I hope these walks are helping me to lose weight.