Bipolar check-in #46

It's Saturday. See if you can find a distraction. Go out for a little walk. Clean. Find a movie or show to get into, at least for a bittle while.

I had a good pal at the hospital whom we called the Loch Ness Monster. He was brilliant and educated and witty and a joy to talk to. But noone would ever talk to him, because he constantly paced around giggling and chatting animatedly to his voices.

I began to chat with him and I soon noticed that, once he was engaged in something else, like talking to me, say, all the giggling and the chatting to the voices totally stopped. He had severe, severe voices, but, with some distraction, they got so much better, that he was able to speak very intelligently with others and not be bothered.

Point is, doing a distracting activity may well actually have a neural pathway basis for making us feel a bit better. You switch to different pathwasy when you are working in the garden/on your car/looking at flowers and babies on your walk, etc. When you shift to thsoe happier pthways, you feel better, as the crappy pathways are firing less strongly or often or whatever it actually is. There is probably a good scientific rationale for trying to do something other than sit around and feel like sh**.

Can't post pics. Maybe when I get my new iPad? Best Buy just sent me notice that my iPad has been delayed. I think it's a cronoavirus delay from the factory. Hopefully my new one will last as long as the old one. Can't do much more than google and email on it. All other sites request that I update my browser. I can't it's too old. The sound died about a year and a half ago. As I'm deaf that wasn't enough motivation for me to buy a new one. But now every site is asking me to update. Even my bank and medical clinic.

My mood is continuing to dip. I'm doing less and less as the days go by. I'm glad that I have my video session with my psychiatrist on Monday. I have no idea what he'll say about my medications. Yesterday I even took 50 mg extra Seroquel (but the iR) to reduce the agitation. That did help. Today, I'm not agitated. I'm just feeling incapable of doing anything at all. I will dare to say that I am perhaps mildly depressed, at this point. I try to rally myself here and there, but it is short-lived. I pushed myself to bake some brownies, just to do something I normally like. They were supposed to bake for 30 mins max. I didn't hear the timer buzzer go off and completely forgot about them. They baked for probably 1 1/2 hours. Hard as a rock. Hubby said he'll eat them. That's pretty sad! A lot of wasted ingredients. They were totally from scratch.

I'm starting to feel physically ill. Nothing super specific. Just all over general malaise.

I'm definitely in full-blown mania. I've been able to sleep with help from my sleep meds, but I definitely notice a big difference in the quality and have been waking up more. I'm definitely way more irritable. I'm working too many hours, at least 12 daily, and through weekends. I'm pretty much a zombie. I'm hoping mania passes fast. Believe it or not, I feel so much more comfortable in a nice long depression. I think I'm so used to it... and have better coping skills for that mode. I printed a ton of grounding techniques for mania, and put a bunch as reminders in my phone and notes, in hopes that I'll have the keenness to be able to use them when the time arises. This is my first switch back since my mania bout in the hospital. I'm a little nervous.

Feeling low.
I feel like I don't have bipolar or schizoaffective or whathave you. I've had this thought for a while now. My first diagnosis as I said before was ******** because basically my dad told the ddoc "she gets hyper and mad then sad" and they're like "yup bipolar"
I don't havev good luck with therapists. She's just...not helpful. Every session it's "how are you doing?" (fine now) "are you social distancing?"(no, I slept with someone that was protesting) "are you on your meds?"(I havve n injection dipshit you would know if I wasn't) "are you having any symptoms"? (when am I not?) and so on and I don't get to work on things I want to/need to work on. Outside of mania/depression I still have a **** ton of mood swings that's just more like sever e emotions and my relationships suck and I feel empty all the time and I struggle with self harm and drug use and Im' just sad. I haven't been sober a ****ing day in three weeks and no one has a clu. On Tuesday I talke to my t again. I know I just know I'm going to flip out on her if I even answer the damn phone. If I don't I get kicked out of treatment from the whole facillity because that's their ******** rules and no more meds. Even group is better I get to talk for like 10 minutes if that and that's like ever other week but there are hardly any rules and if I don't show up that's fine I don't get kicked out or anything. They're helpful because most of the counselors never got official training. They're just genuine people that care and have been through **** themselves. But yeah, all the individual therapists I've had suck. None of them have ever helped me with anything. Probably the most helpful one was the first one I had that straight up admitted I needed to be admitted and that she couldn't help me. I would search for a new one but I've had like ten or so and again, none of them havve helpe me in the long term and when Im having bad short term issues they just tell me to go to the hospital beforei hurt myself.
"I don't like this air// but that doesnt mean i wont stop breathing it"

Spikes, I am sorry you are struggling without the help you need. Have you mentioned to your therapist that all the questions are not helpful or that you want to work on other things? My therapist and I were sort of all over the place, but we recently directly discussed goals and I think that will help. Also, have you done any specific types of therapy like DBT? I think it's been shown to be helpful for some of the issues you mention, but I am not of course qualified to say what you should try. I hope you can get some better support.

Sorry about all that, BirdDancer. You may just be getting a cold or something. Or, it could just be bp stuff. Oddly enough--reading this--I spent nearly the entire day in bed. I was and am literally exhausted for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Cannot wake up, cannot get any energy whatsoever. Totally wiped. It happens. Be kind to yourself. It happens. Maybe you will feel terrific in the morning.

Full-blown mania is a psychiatric emergency. Do you live alone? Does your pdoc know?

Do not purhase anything, online or othewise. Do not email or text, except to those very closest to you who know about your illness--please. I highly, highly recommend not leaving home until the pdoc knows and you have a game plan.
Were you to leave home and make a terrible decision, well...

Being an expert in the matter, it takes about 30 seconds or so to completely destroy your careeer, family, and life, when fully manic. Praying for you.

@BirdDancer: Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I hope it passes quickly.

I slept well last night thankfully. I was expecting to have trouble but it was fine. I'm trying to stick to midnight for bedtime. I was inactive again today. I overate. I considered Overeater's Anonymous for the nth time. I attended an online meeting but it was disorganized with no leader and newcomers and a troll so i didn't stay. I'm very unhappy with my eating but with the pandemic on i feel now is not the time for sudden moves. Once IRL meetings resume i can attend again and seek out a sponsor. I definitely need help with eating healthy.

My mild depression continues. I enjoyed my dog today a couple times. Scrabble was disappointing again. I didn't talk to anyone again today. I haven't had a conversation in ages. I wouldn't know what to say.

It has been my experience of 4 decades working on it that attempting to find mood stability while drinking or using is not possible for me. Perhaps you are different. Sending you support and prayers.

Im sorry things are just not going well right now. There is 101 things going on that would knock anyone sideways and then add BP to the Mix

Just be honest with your Pdoc, Hes always helped you in the past.. start writing stuff down so you will have it when you talk to Pdoc and not blank out .

Your husband is a great man to agree to eat brownie that are probably like concrete

clear mind... nothing to do!

this weekend (like so many that have come before it) suck

What are you hoping/wanting out of seeing a T?

Often times a client and T dont mesh well is because its unclear what someone needs..

My sessions are almost always goal orientated, Like if I am just brutally beating myself up for something that I think is a flaw ....then we pick it apart and we get the root of the problem and then we find different coping skills to see if any stick and are helpful and if not we find more to try..

Sometimes seeing a Therapist is about giving a person a safe place to just unload there heads " word vomit" I call it.. Its often helpful to just unload our emotional baggage and then you and your T can decide together what to work on first.. Therapy can be a long term investment into yourself...You dont have just 3-4 things that need polished and your good to go. Therapy is hard work, But its worth it.. You can find hope, work towards finding more stability, Leaning more and more coping skills. Just because you can say you have tons of coping skills doesnt mean you can actually use them when most needed.

If it were me.... My next session I would just say something like " I am just not feeling like what we have been doing is working, Im having lots of struggle with X and I need help in finding ways to work on X...

You can voice that your unhappy with how your current therapy is going and honestly how can we expect someone to truly help us if they dont know exactly what we are struggling with?

Often it boils down to us having to be specific and ask for help for that.. One step at a time

I’m still working hard to out run my depression. It still works until about 5:30. I cook dinner for my family and then go to bed. I woke up at 10:30 yesterday and have been up since then. I’ve been back on Lithium for a week and a half so I don’t know what’s going on. Could be a lot of things.

I may have a problem with back taxes which isn’t helping matters. I’ll know more on Monday. My therapist helped a lot with my anxiety about it.

It feels like summer but I’ve not done any of my usual summer rituals. Getting ice cream and watermelon, going to Florida, going to the pool, buying masses of flowers. I plan on adding some of these activities soon. I’m sure it will help me feel better.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Thank you (and others) for the thoughtful responses
I want her to help me find stability. I want to work on trauma. Anger. Abandonment issues. Sobriety. Every time I bring these things up, she pretty much asks one question to understand better, then when I answer she moves on to something else (that I frankly don't give a damn about usually)
Maybe I'll write letters before therapy and read them to her. Maybe it is me that's screwing up with communication. I'm not the best talker so it probably is all on me. You're right, I do have to tell her whatever we're doing isn't helping.

Thanks so much for the care of this post. I'm being very careful. I have my wife who is really being good about being my sounding board on anything before I do anything. I'm reading out my emails to her before I send them, and she's in the background on facetime calls to family and giving thumbs up and stuff. I did call my pdoc and my tdoc when I realized it had clicked. over.

Thanks for the kind words of advice @bpcyclist. I don't have any friends. It was like arriving with my morning water to a friend's advice.

I’ve been doing pretty good. I think getting my period helped a lot. Although it wasn’t much of a period. I’ve been sleeping weirdly and my anxiety has been really off in the morning. So sometimes early mornings are rough. But I’ve been doing ok. I’ve been taking a lot of Xanax though. But my PMDD played a big role in how I was feeling for those 11 days.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, Jennifer. I do really strongly feel that, if you can just find the juice to take a litlle action, you will feel a bit better. My former partner used to force me to go running with her during my big depressions. I could barely stand. But she knew it always made me feel better.

Look at some flowers. Some adorable toddlers with their moms and dogs. Smell the fresh, outdoor air. Go get that ice cream. Just make yourself do it.

Hoping you have a better day today!!!!!!!!

Okay, swimingly. Well, I am really, really glad you have your wife there. You might think about letting her have your credit cards and bank card for a day or two, just as an added measure. One time when I was manic, I snuck downstairs, got on the computer, and bought 6 guitars on ebay for $10K. When they started showing up, the Missus was not super pleased. Mania can often cause extreeeeeme sneakiness in some patients, so, just try to keep mindful.

Hope you have a great day!!!!!!!!

About the third day in a row of abject exhaustion for absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can identify. I get up in the morning, and then, within about an hour, I become weak all over, jelly legs, like when I had pneumonia thirty years ago. Except I don't have pneumonia. I don't think I am sick. Dunno. Can barely stand to even sit in my chair. Just have to go get back in bed. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but something is not right.

I am definitely anhedonic and blue, but that might be in part because I can't do anything. I have no interest in doing anything. Actually, no, I do, but I just feel so weird and crappy that I can't seem to do it, if that makes sense.

Hope everyone is okay. Love and hugs.