Bipolar check-in #46

Here's a new one to re-start the count.

Thanks for starting us out again, BeyondtheRainbow!

I had a video session with my psychiatrist this afternoon. The main thing we talked about is Wednesday, May 6 (next week). That's the day hubby and I will know if my husband has a job or not. Most everyone in his company will know about their jobs that day, too. I told my psychiatrist about our very initial steps in emergency planning. 1) Health insurance. Who will have what and how much will it cost. I told pdoc that I'm leaning towards my Medicare rather than Obamacare or any Cobra cr*p thing my husband could buy. I think the Medicare would be cheaper, even with a supplemental addition.

My psychiatrist really is concerned about me. He even gave me an extra appointment for next Wednesday. It'll either be after the news or right before. I kind of hope it's after.

Pdoc has known of my husband's and my possible move to Europe for a long while. We had all been thinking it would be two to three years from now. Now with the possibly lay offs, it could be much much sooner. Pdoc said that now that he's used to this whole "video session stuff" that we may be able to continue our appointments via video (even if he's since gone back to face-to-face) for a little while even after a potential move to Europe. He'd set me up with plenty of medication supplies for at least three months (thanks to 90-day supplies) along with PRN stuff. Then after three months of residency, we would qualify for the national insurance coverage (applies in both Czech Republic and France). I like the idea of staying with pdoc through a transition period. I may even ask my therapist if we could do similar. My pdoc is the most significant, though. That's why I was so relieved when even he brought it up. Honestly, the thought of having to leave my pdoc completely, in a very short time, would add to the extreme stress of such a major life change.

My brother in-law and niece are sick and are being tested for COVID tomorrow , so hopefully they’ll be okay.

I’m doing pretty well, just trying to reframe my negative thinking patterns.

I had a semi-productive day today with work, but I wish I my productivity was higher. I got done about 80% of what I wanted to get done. However, I think I'm going to take my therapist's recommendation to start up my to-do lists at work again. I don't remember why I stopped doing them, but maybe it was pure laziness. I don't know. I need to get back into it, though. My boss is already pissed, so I don't want to piss him off even more.

Anyway, I've got a lot of recyclable trash to take out. I wish my complex had a stupid trash chute for this, but alas, we only have nasty, disease-ridden dumpsters that we have to drive to.

I just hope that I'm more productive tomorrow than I was today. I really, really hate being in trouble. And sometimes I can't concentrate because of the voices, which doesn't help the productivity situation.

I just ate minestone soup. I hope I won't regret it. I wasn't feeling well today but I am now. Im glad I can relax!

Hoping that goes well for them.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Glad your feeling mentally better

I so hope they are negative for COVID

That's awful. I'm sorry to hear they may have COVID-19. I sincerely hope they test negative. I know your state is in a rough spot right now.

I hope all is well.

Love and Prayers.

The last two weeks have been Groundhog Day over and over. I’ve been very ill physically so unable to do much, and rarely leave my flat. It was my Birthday last Sat and I saw my family which was nice. Some restrictions have been lifted so we were able to all get together. Parents, sister, brother-in-law, nieces, and nephews. It wore me out though. In bed all day Sunday. Since Monday I have been feeling better. Not great but able to move around more without crashing.

Saw my T yesterday. Although I want to get out more and at least sit on the beach my T suggests I keep resting for a few more days to consolidate my progress. I’m so bored. Sometimes even watching TV is too much for me so I lay down in the dark a lot. I do meditate though. My T and I discussed meditation for half the session. He thinks it is an excellent coping skill, and we both agree it is keeping me calm and sane. We talked philosophy too. I really enjoyed the chat.

Last week I struggled with SI as the pain and fatigue were relentless. On my birthday my 12 year old niece gave me a card. She wrote ‘never give up’ on it. It struck me as I have not told her I’m struggling. I’ve hardly seen her for a month. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me feel loved and that something greater is telling me to hang in there. It was critical timing.

TRIGGER WARNING

Not feeling well. Wasn't really thinking and cut the back of my hand so I could watch the blood and feel something different than what was in my head. I'm messed up.

Daonnachd, do you know when you will re-start ECT? It sounds like you need to call your pdoc to see if that can be moved up.

Now my ECT is pushed back indefinitely because my wife has been slated for COVID testing on Friday. I can't schedule ECT until we know whether or not I've been exposed. If she's positive I'll have to wait until I don't know when. If she's negative I should be able to get in for ECT next week.

Well I told my husband like I was suppose to. He had no idea, like I knew. I slept like 2 hrs tonight. He apologized for how controlling he's being. He admits my issues freak him out. T says she'll call tomorrow but I doubt it. Even if she does I don't see why? She wants me to call her even with little things I just don't get it my things can wait the week. It's not like my things are heavy I feel fine.

I think it's positive that you communicated with your husband. It's definitely positive that he apologized for how controlling he has been

I'm sorry he's said your issues freak him out

T sounds like she is being supportive. She wants you to call her even with little things? It sounds like she is trying to make sure you're safe. You're saying you feel fine and that your stuff/things aren't heavy. It seems like the T doesn't agree. In this forest irl they do not check adequately on people even if in severe crisis, T's etc. I'm sure there are exceptions, I do not know of any though. I'm guessing that one of her goals is to keep you out of hospital. If possible. Which would, I think, be a goal of a good T anyway. I had 6 hours sleep which isn't bad. Hugs

Unable to read posts today. Just pretty symptomatic and struggling. Sort of feeling like it's never going to get better, Made the mistake of reading about refractory psychosis treatment and that was a bad idea. Really discouraging. Most people just have it forever, no matter what you do.

Just posting because I need to, I guess, express something tonight. Really hard for me. Hope everyone struggling feels better soon.

I feel so incredibly stressed out that I almost think I could die from it.

It's an odd moment. I'm lying in bed feeling this way. On my left, I hear my husband snoring. On my right, through the window, I hear the call of a mourning dove. This is absolutely true.

Now the mourning dove has quieted.

Now I hear her again.

I bought new curtains and curtain rods for all of our second floor windows, as well as new blinds for the master bath. We need to make such improvements of our house for possibly putting it on the market in the near future. The whole interior needs painting eventually, too. We'll restain the deck this weekend.

Attached is a photo my husband took a few years back of a mourning dove and her two squabs. They built a nest on our rose arbor. He photographed them from our second floor (first floor for Europeans) with a zoom lens. It's nearing that time again.

Damn, I'm sorry to hear that, Daonnachd. Is there any way you can reach out to your pdoc to try another med for now? There is always the risk a med could make you feel worse, but generally speaking, most meds either work or they don't work at all. I think it's rare for meds to make you feel bad (although I admit had that experience with Seroquel XR).

I hope you can have your wife take away all dangerous objects. Did you tell her?

Sorry to hear you're stressed, BirdDancer. Hopefully you can ignore the world for a bit while you're retaining your deck. Whether you end up moving or not, it sounds like it'd be nice to have a freshly stained deck anyways.

Nice photo BTW.

I'm sorry he's said your issues freak him out It's okay Certain things about him freak me out.
She wants you to call her even with little things? But I don't even know what. Like I'm still mad at her for making a big deal out of "nothing".
It seems like the T doesn't agree. H says it's because she doesn't know me. I think she doesn't trust me which is BS. Yes I'm in a very descriptive language mood but I'm still trying to be nice because she does hold a lot of power over the situation but I feel like I'm going to tell her this is BS.
I'm guessing that one of her goals is to keep you out of hospital. It's not that serious though. It's not like I'm overly paranoid, suicidal or anything like that. I plan to get meds for those times. I'm not being unreasonable. Maybe when the time comes I will be but right now I'm not.
I had 6 hours sleep which isn't bad. That's great.