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Default May 19, 2020 at 02:20 PM
  #1
A lot of people here may recall that my father is due to finally come home at the end of this month after 6 months in various hospitals combined with assisted living. My dad is overwhelmed and deep down doesn't want to come home. There are several reasons, but one is surely my brother.

My sister is at our dad's house right now helping my brother clean up my brother's mess and to clean a house that hasn't been properly cleaned for perhaps 12 or 13 years, or even more (some things). I refused to go today because a) I don't want to see my brother's mess, and b) I know my brother would have a tirade at some point in the process. I'll call her tonight and ask if it's safe to come tomorrow.

My brother is prone to tirades, and always has been. Very scary ones, but many in my family had such tirades, so it became "normalized". My father is intimidated by them, unlike when he was younger. They're not good for either of their health. I can't tolerate them anymore, either.

My sister says that our brother's behavior has been strange lately, in addition to more frequent tirades. As just one example, he keeps telling her that he believes someone is coming and trying to kill his honeybees.Why would someone do that? He just installed four surveillance cameras aimed at the honeybee hives. I suppose such mischief could be possible, or is my brother just mentally unwell? If the latter, I'm definitely concerned about him, and concerned about sending my father home to him.

I talked about all of this with my therapist today. She asked if my brother has a mental illness. Fact is, I don't know. My brother has said in the past that he thinks he may have some level of "bipolarism", as he likes to call it. I've blown that off in the past, but what if it's true? He's definitely had issues, though. My therapist asked if my brother sees a doctor, and the answer is a definite "No". My brother believes that mental illness is true and serious, but he stigmatizes it, all the same.

I don't want to be dealing with a potentially unwell brother right now, on top of things. My sister and I have discussed asking our brother to move out of our dad's house, if he is detrimental to our father's wellness. But if our brother is also unwell, then what?

I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like crying there is so much stress all around me, including my poor hubby. Mentally, I think I'm stable, but I'm biting bitter every day.

If my husband was at work instead of working from home, I might even consider having my dad over to my house for parts of days, in the beginning. But I don't know how I would handle that. That might be just a pipe dream. Plus, this horrible pandemic! How surreal this situation is.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; May 19, 2020 at 02:43 PM..
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Default May 19, 2020 at 05:27 PM
  #2
I am so very sorry you are in the middle of this familial mess, BirdDancer. I wa wondering, thinking about all this, if it might be conceivable to "schedule" things over at your dad's. So, you could pencil in time when it is not your irascible, unpredictable brother's slot. Or would he just bulldoze such a plan? Is it possible to have a frank discussion with your bro about this in the presence of your sister? Is she a moderating influence? I just can't remember--sorry. Another thought, just to lay out for him expectations now that dad is home. Or has that all already been done long, long ago?

I have always been a believer in bringing support along with me when faced with potentially troublesome scenarios. conversations. Just thinking perhaps this sorta plan might help. If not the sister, someone else?

Your brother does sound ever-so-slighly psychosis-ish, speaking as a it of an expert in the phenomenon. Irritability, in my humble opinion, should be a diagnostic criterion for bp 1--that's how common it is., as you, of course, have vast expertise in. My first pdoc was reticent to make the diagnosis if she could not identify badass irritability at some point. So, maybe he is somewhere on the spectrum. Could be. But it doesn't really matter what you call it, if he refuses to ask for or receieve help.

Sending you strength and support and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Heart May 19, 2020 at 05:40 PM
  #3
Thankfully, there is some time to breathe and some time to think and share with family and friends.

LOVE AND PRAYERS

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Default May 19, 2020 at 10:51 PM
  #4
Wow, that sounds extremely stressful for you.

By "tirades"- do you mean rages? In particular, rages in which your brother get "stuck" or obsessed with a specific subject and rages on about it?

What happens when your sister, you, or both of you talk with your brother about your concerns...is he able to hear you at all, or is is wasted words?

From your description, my vote is with your brother having a mental illness.

And yes. This pandemic is nothing short of a horror show. As the time winds on more and more individuals and families are becoming increasingly stressed. For some reason, for the first time today the whole thing has me scared.

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Default May 19, 2020 at 11:52 PM
  #5
Beth, by tirades/rages I mean him looking like he wants to kill. Him bursting blood vessels and screaming rage. Him chasing me out of the house and into the cold. If I was a man, him possibly becoming violent. Not pretty stuff.

I emailed my sister asking if he showed anger. I hope to hear from her in the early morning. If he has shown anger, I won't go.
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Default May 20, 2020 at 01:32 AM
  #6
Well, I agree. If he has been raging like that, don't go. I am so sorry you have to be dealing with such a difficult, upsetting situation. Your brother's abuse is way beyond acceptable.

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Default May 23, 2020 at 02:28 AM
  #7
How are things going?

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Default May 23, 2020 at 04:46 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
How are things going?
@~Christina, thanks for asking. Things are not going well. I confess that I have stepped away from this situation, for at least now.

Yesterday was horrible. My moods are being affected badly. Hormonal stuff may be playing a part (perimenopause?) I am also just flat out crashing from all of the stress these past three plus months.

Yesterday, after my sister asked a similar question, she offered to bring me asparagus from my father's garden. I still need to respond to her. She has so much going on herself. I don't want her to have to drive 38 mins to/from me for just that, unless she wants to get away. I also don't want to talk about my dad today, as bad as that sounds.

I hope your hubby had a better night, and also so that you could, too
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Default May 23, 2020 at 04:54 AM
  #9
I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted you to know I understand. My brother is mentally ill. He has severe OCD and is unable to take care of himself, so he lives with my parents, who are not young. He does have a diagnosis and takes meds, but he won't do therapy, which is important for OCD. He also has rages. He has punched holes in the walls. Luckily I live far away, but it's not easy when I go back for Christmas and have to be around him. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
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Default May 23, 2020 at 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
@~Christina, thanks for asking. Things are not going well. I confess that I have stepped away from this situation, for at least now.

Yesterday was horrible. My moods are being affected badly. Hormonal stuff may be playing a part (perimenopause?) I am also just flat out crashing from all of the stress these past three plus months.

Yesterday, after my sister asked a similar question, she offered to bring me asparagus from my father's garden. I still need to respond to her. She has so much going on herself. I don't want her to have to drive 38 mins to/from me for just that, unless she wants to get away. I also don't want to talk about my dad today, as bad as that sounds.

I hope your hubby had a better night, and also so that you could, too
I think stepping away is the best thing you can do right now..

Maybe your sister wants a reason to take a drive and get away from it all too, she might want a " no Dad" talk too? But even then if your not up for it then dont.. Its okay to be an ostrich

You have had months of struggle with your Dad... So be kind to yourself.. If that means saying .. No I just cant do X... Then do so

Things are about the same here! Thanks , No worse at least

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