[lechedeluna]

Hi All

I guess I’m just coming here for a little clarity and some better understanding about this disorder. My fiancé has Bipolar 2. We’ve been dating about 3 years and in that time I’d say he’s mostly been balanced and at times depressed. I see slight tinges of manic behaviors in how he’s always coming up with new ideas for projects and businesses etc, but it seems pretty harmless overall, and for the most part his meds have been working well these last few years. We have virtually no relationship issues. We’ve probably only had one argument in the years I’ve known him. Everything is generally really chill between us., sex is great etc

Recently he decided he was open to the idea of going off meds and trying herbal supplements instead. The first week was fine...we were together. This week he left to go take care of his kids and he appears to be in full blown hypomania. He’s turning the outside of their house into a giant political protest (ok fine). He’s making lots of aggressive political FB posts (ok fine), then he wrote something harmless but in poor taste of a sexual nature on my FB wall (totally out of character for him) and when I deleted it (i was really nice about it- said i appreciated they sentiment but it was a little much) he went batshit crazy, said I was censoring him and basically blocked me, refuses to speak with me, took our relationship status off FB, says he needs space etc

I’m dumbfounded. I literally feel like the man who was telling me how much he loved me hours before has died. Someone who is acting callous and cold has stepped into his shoes. I don’t know this new man. He is a total stranger and he scares me.

I know that what he must be going through must be agonizing. I cannot even begin to imagine how brutal it is to live with this disorder. However I don’t know how to come back from this. I expressed that I’m here for him etc etc, he still refused to speak with me.

I did get a call from him today but I felt too traumatized to pick up. I’m scared of this version of him. I don’t know who I’m going to find on the other end of the line. He’s hurt me so much over the last few days, I don’t want to take anymore. I’m not blaming him as I know his brain chemistry is imbalanced. I’m just trying to come down from the shock of it all.

My question is- should I take his calls and communicate with him or let more time pass? How long do this episodes usually last? Do his actions mean that he doesn’t really love me and I should just move on? I don’t know which of these is the “real” him. It’s so confusing. I don’t want to feel like my partner is one pill away from casting me out of his life completely. It’s a very unsettling way to live and makes me feel a real lack of security in his commitment and partnership. He basically broke up with me without so much as a conversation. No remorse whatsoever. Seeking advice and clarity here, thank you. And my apologies for being very unaware of the nuances of this disorder so please excuse me if I have characterized anything incorrectly

Sometimes people in hypomania or mania are fickle. It could pass. Though sometimes the disinhibition hypomania/mania brings gives people the courage to do things they want to do, deep down, but normally wouldn't. Maybe he loves you but is resisting feeling limited. Honestly, I don't know. People with bipolar aren't all the same. We're individuals.

It is up to you what to do. Is he taking medication(s)? Is he currently taking them? If not, I, personally, wouldn't call him back until he does. Some may call that brutal, but those same people may think it less brutal if the issue was heroine. For most people with bipolar disorder, supplements alone are worthless!

If your fiance does take medication, but the episode slipped through anyway, he needs a medication adjustment. If he seeks that, that is a positive sign.

Hypomania or mania can be short (days) or long (many months). The length varies based on many factors. Then when that ends, he could possibly fall into depression, which has its own severe challenges.

The course of bipolar illness could be mild (few episodes in life) or downright hellish rough (extreme number in some cases). This is even with proper treatment. Anyone planning to marry a person with bipolar disorder must accept that possibility (through sickness and through health). Obviously, a medication compliant partner is far better than a non-compliant one. Did his bipolar behavior ruin his first marriage? It obviously affects his relationships with his kids (he doesn't live with them, I assume). You describe odd behavior. Is that going to be OK long-term for you, regardless of whether he is on meds or not?

I am the one with severe bipolar disorder in my house. I am not a disgruntled partner. I am disabled. My husband loves me and stands by me, anyway, but I do take my medications and work hard to prevent new ones. Many men would still find my situation too much to deal with, regardless of how charming I may seem, normally. You have to ask yourself what you can deal with. Good sex alone is not enough for people. You can get good sex a lot of places.

Most people in this forum have bipolar disorder. For feedback from others in your position, you may also want to post in https://psychcentralforums.com/partn...ivers-support/

[lechedeluna]

Thank you so much for your response. He told me he’s “waging a personal war on civil liberties and censorship” and “cutting anyone out of his life who interferes with that” so when I took his post of a sexual nature down off my FB page I was “censoring” him and he “has no space for that”.
About 12 hours prior to that he was texting me “how much he loves and respects me”. He’s all over the place.

He is not taking his medication. He stopped it two weeks ago and he’s taking herbs instead. I don’t even know if he’s taking the herbs now, as he’s no longer at my home. His teenage daughter reached out to me for help. I let her know he’s off his meds. When she asked him about it, he got angry.

I’m just hoping the herbs work (the herbalist said the first month would be rocky), or if not that he starts taking his medication again, or that things settle down. Either way I guess I’ll just move on right now.

[lechedeluna]

Hi again, I just saw the last part of your text. His odd behaviors are fine with me. Like I said, we rarely argue and the relationship is great. We’re very compatible and it’s a very loving relationship. That is why is is so jarring to me to be cut out of his life so suddenly and so coldly. He’s never been mean to me. Now he’s refusing to even have a conversation with me. He won’t take my calls, etc. He literally deleted me from all manner of his life within a few hours and with no discussion. It’s pretty traumatizing.

I texted him and left him many messages of support, that I’m here for him, etc but he doesn’t want any of it. He said no one understands him including me and he has to do this alone.

So while I’m trying to be compassionate there’s not really much I can do if he doesn’t want to communicate. He did call me yesterday after all the drama of the past few days but I didn’t pick up. This new version of him is angry and cold/unfeeling, basically the opposite of the person I know. He’s treated me horribly the last couple of days, and I just wasn’t up for any more traumatizing interactions . I was a little scared to open myself up to more pain basically.

I’m not blaming him and Im not angry with him as I know he’s in an altered state. I just want to steer clear until this settles down, unless you think that responding to him would be beneficial in some way. I basically don’t know how to interact with the hypomanic incarnation of his self. He’s a stranger to me right now. I’ve never met this version of him. With very few exceptions he’s always been kind and considerate towards me.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm both as someone with bipolar and someone who is partner is bipolar. I'm the one that in mood swings talks about divorce. We have a 6-month rule about making big decisions. So if I want to divorce I have to wait 6 months and then decide after that when I still want one. I would suggest if you are going to stay in the relationship and then you need to get a therapist also. Medication is super important to most of us but it doesn't stop all mood swings. So let's find a good therapist comes in hand. If you want to pursue this I will get into couples therapy. I would talk to him but only about going to couples therapy.

Even though I asked for a divorce I still love him. I want to keep them as friend. I don't want my mood swings to ruin what we have. I get super agitated with him. I think he's trying to ruin my fun. And tons of other things but I won't get into here. Both of them me one's insecure, afraid, I'm really doesn't want to f*** things up.

[fern46]

Hi lechedeluna. Welcome to psychcentral.

I am sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how scary and painful it must be. I've been on both sides of the equation here. When I was a young adukt my mother had a sudden manic episode and kicked me out of her life after many dangerous, out of character and seemingly unloving choices. As an adult, I experienced an onset of mania that rocked my family pretty hard. It isn't exactly the same, but I have great empathy for your situation.

You mentioned he switched over to herbal supplements. Did he suddenly stop his psyc meds and switch to the supplements all at the same time? Psyc meds cause changes in the brain that can leave someone incredibly imbalanced if they stop suddenly. In most cases it is recommended that patients wean off their meds slowly over weeks or even months. It has been shown in many cases that sudden withdrawal can cause mania, psychosis, or severe depression. Also, supplements have only been shown to have marginal effects and are typically taken alongside other forms of therapy.

Your fiance seems to be displaying signs of mania and possibly psychosis. He is delusional and I can say from firsthand experience that when someone is truly delusional it is very difficult to reason with them. This is especially true in a case where the individual isn't in therapy or seeing a doctor who can assist in being a neutral party to help challenge the beliefs. Does he have a friend he trusts that could intervene and help serve as a mirror? Sometimes a patient doesn't want to listen to a partner, but a friend will have success. Maybe even a parent or sibling?

I am glad you drew the line at what he posted on your FB page. You are correct that it is possible this is all just the mania talking, but regardless, it is important you not allow him to abuse you.

I agree with BirdDancer that it is possible he wishes to end things with you anyway, but I doubt he would want to do it this way. It seems unlikely though because it sounds like he bailed because he took your choice to remove his post as a rejection. Someone who is experiencing mania can also have a lot of paranoia going on and rejection on any level causes things to flare up in these cases. It certainly did for my mother. She would only listen to people who were 'on her side'.

You mentioned he has children? Are they young? I am concerned for their safety. If he is truly manic he is in no position to parent them alone and the fear you feel while with him is certainly going to be there for them. If there is anything you can do to assist with that side of things it is worth considering even if you are afraid of the outcome. On the one hand it may noy be your place to interfere, but if they are young they will have no idea to help themselves and they may be in danger.

Mania can last for days, weeks or longer and no amount of herbal supplements is going to balance it out. It is a truly destructive force and usually requires professional intervention. I understand wanting to give him time. If you do speak with him try not to get too emotionally wrapped up in what he says. Assume it could be truthful, but plan to validate it later when he is well again if you want to wait it out and give him that option. If he is in a better place, he should definitely see his doctor. He should let them know he went off his meds and what happened. Some individuals can cope without meds, but it is best to begin that process while under a doctor's care.

Hang in there and I am hopeful things will work out ok. I know he hurt you deeply, but it seems like you truly want what is best for him even if you aren't together. That kind of love and support is crucial. I think it is wonderful you reached out for insight and support. I remember feeling helpless when I was in similar shoes. I hope things work out in a way you can be happy with in the long run.

[lechedeluna]

Thank you so much for your response. I’m running out so my apologies for this quick reply. To answer about the safety of the children, I’m in contact with his 16 year old daughter (she’s highly intelligent and mature and knows how his bipolar manifests). She knows he’s off his meds and the children’s mother lives a block away, so I’m sure she’s told her mom. She didn’t feel they’re in danger. But I did tell her I’m there for them if they need me. It sounds like he’s fine with the kids other than getting defensive when she asked about his meds.

On another note I’m very curious why he was so adamant that he could not speak or video chat with me (only text) when the **** was hitting the fan. He just kept saying “I can’t”...very peculiar almost as though he could not bear to see me or hear me for some reason. I’m not sure what he was afraid of. He’s fearlessly posting his radical views all over the internet but he’s acting like coward when it comes to facing me. It’s just an interesting juxtaposition.
Like I said he did try to video chat with me yesterday but I let the call go. I’m not sure whether to call him back, or text him to see if he’s feeling ready to talk or just give it some more time.

I do not believe he’s starting taking his meds again yet, but I’ve no way to be sure.