What Does Fairly Stable Mean To You?

Hey, gang. Just wondering about this. My illness has really changed over the years, big-time, as a matter of fact. I had several years, a few years ago, where I was almost without symptoms, really. But, and this is the kicker, I was in the hospital then. Tons of social support and interaction and I have none of that these days, other, really, than with you guys and maybe one other person.

So, I find that I am far more labile than I used to be. Much more. Admittedly, I am just sorta coming out of maybe 8 months or so of tough psychosis. Hopefully, coming out of it. But still, I never quite know what each day is going to be bringing me. I do still have some depression on some days, like today. No idea where that is coming from. I was quite hypo two weeks ago, but only for 2 days. But super, super hypo at that time.

So, for me, I seem to be kind of all over the place, despite being on maximal, gold-standard stabilizers. It's weird. Things have really changed for me over the years so very much with this illness. A moving target.

Anyway, just wondering what people think of their stability, or lack thereof. Thanks a lot!!

I'm as stable at this time as I've ever been in my life. My meds are finally the best combination and are at good doses.

What I notice most is a lack of irritability, anger, and rage. I feel tolerant. So the dysphoric mania is under control. Unfortunately, the "good" hypomania/mania is also absent.

My traditionally severe, unrelenting anxiety is at a normal level. Depressions occur now and then, but they are less deep and (so far) don't last long, at all.

Having the stability of my BP moods is allowing me to work harder with trauma issues.

I feel fairly stable now, and have been at this point more these past couple years than for a very long time. Bpcyclist, like you, my illness changed a bit over the course of my life. I had severe episodes at 15, 19/20, 24, sorta kinda intermittently between 24 and 32, then severe for much of 33 to 40 years old. Then things weren't as bad, but I was left with various trauma. I do still have plenty of what I call "blips" of mood elevation (mostly) and some downswings, but my moods are now pretty darned level compared to a lot of my life. My stress tolerance was greatly reduced because of that trauma.

During my less severe years of my youth, I had what were surely extremely long-term hypomanic states that didn't reach full-blown. That was still quite problematic for me, in various respects. Only during the "severe" periods I mentioned did I reach full-blown manic or have depressions of notable severity. Those were long-lasting and highly disabling, with plenty of psychosis.

I only experience psychosis during severe mood episodes. I do not have it when my moods are otherwise normal or seemingly only mildly affected. [Sort of "classic" bipolar?] IOWs, if you went down the bipolar symptoms list, most or all were severe. I lack insight during severe periods and experience significant thought disorders.At their worst, there was no need for me to tell people I was manic. It was scarily obvious. Most everyone at my former workplace knew I was very ill, mentally. I didn't disclose that. My illness did.Ditto when it came to my neighbors. Having ambulances show up or six cops show up, attracts attention.

I am so glad things are stable for you, Beth. Good for you. What do you do for your anxiety these days?

I am so very sorry you have had to go through all that, BirdDancer. You are a very, very strong woman and I have enormous admiration for you for what you have accomplished under difficult conditions. At least things are fairly stable now, which is terrific.

Yes, generally, when the police begin to appear, things are fairly far along for me. Unfortunately, in this city, there is a small but quite powerful subset of detectives and officers who think it is fun to abuse and even, occasionally, kill us. Very sad. And exceedingly dangerous. I do my best to avoid them.

It means a much better relationship with my daughter. It means that I live with and care for mum. That would not have been possible years ago. I needed the meds I have now to stabilize the BP, and all the therapy I had that gave me the tools to stabilize the PTSD. Thank god the last pdoc got the meds right cause when I moved home to care for mum there's no pdoc available and my internist does all my meds. So a lot is riding on me to use my toolbox to stay stable as the net isn't there anymore.

That's sad that you have to fear the detectives and officers. It's sad to continue to read about people dying, unnecessarily, from police aggression. I know that that's an exception and not a rule, but it's still too often, especially for minorities and the mentally ill. We know that someone who's a minority AND mentally ill is especially at risk. It's horrible that such abuses by policemen are way too often permitted, unpunished, or inadequately so.

I realize that I am lucky, where I live, and what I look like, in terms of the above issue. However, I know that stigma and racism even exists where I am. One time, in particular, I got a good lesson in that. It wasn't directed at me, but I saw/heard it directed at another person -- a very friendly elderly African American lady. I didn't speak up. I was in such shock, paralyzed. That ended my naive assumption that it "didn't happen in my hometown". Not only was the waitress' and manager's behavior highly offensive, but some customer's, too. After that lady left, I sat feeling horrible. Then the customer comes to me (seemingly wanting to voice his prejudice against her to someone) and said "What a looney she was! Really! I worked in the psychiatric ward at X psychiatric hospital, and had to deal with those types all the time!”

The African American lady was perfectly normal-acting and what she had said was fully justified. Why that customer said the above, I cannot even guess. Even if she had acted oddly, his statement was stigmatic and offensive. And it turns out, that I had been a psychiatric patient (psychotic) at that very hospital he mentioned, and another one, as well, nearby. I didn't even stand up for myself, let alone her. I was deeply ashamed of myself! I've since done things to at least start to make up for that.

Sorry this is off-topic.

Wow--I had no idea you were doing all this without a pdoc. Very happy it is going well for you, Nammu!!

These experiences like you had can sometimes have a very big impact on our lives.I can relate.

I have decided that I will not be silent about this stuff with whtaever little time I may have remaining here on earth. As Sheryl Sanberg, of whom I am utterly and totally not even remotely a fan in any possible world, present or future, very wisely stated, social change is never given or offered, it must be seized. On that much, she and I a actually agree, for once in our lives...

Stability for me means being able to stay calm and collected during the worst, and calm and collected during the best.

Since I've been stable, my mood lability is very tight, I don't go particularly high (I will be 'content,' for example), and I won't go particularly low (no SI, only situational sadness, no full-blown depression). I also have more empathy; as I am not consumed by my own radical moods, I am able to experience others' moods and behaviors with more awareness and even, sometimes, more compassion.

Being stable, I am left with all of my faults, still, and, also, all of what I have going for me. It's far easier to benefit from therapy and work on my faults, especially to work on my relationships.

I do not miss the soul-crushing depressions, which should be obvious, but equally obvious, is that I miss the hypomania, during that wonderous time, before it would turn ugly in so many ways.

I've been stable for a year now, and for 2 years before that. I'm very fortunate that I finally found the right medication regimen, and that my previous therapist, with whom I went very deep and it was very difficult, was so helpful, and that I have my current therapist, who could not be more different, and who practices the kind of therapy I need now.

My previous pdoc, at the Stanford Bipolar Disorder Clinic, told me that she had plenty of patients who had been stable for some 10 years. This has given me hope.

I have heard here and there people intimate that being stable for relatively long periods of time means that your flavor of BP is less severe than others'. I don't think this is fair. I consider myself very fortunate, and I've also put a lot of effort into my mental health (not that this is often enough to be stable, I know), but when I *do* have an episode, which usually leads to terrifying psychosis, it is truly a whopper and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I feel like I'm stable. And even though I was hospitalized for depression several years back I still believe that I never get depressed. Even though I slept until 5 pm today I think I am not depressed. The only thing that pokes its head out is when I was manic a year ago. That's the only thing I can see. Even though I wasnt hospitalized for that mania, I can't see for the other 5 times Ive been hospitalized that I'm bipolar. Yes I had to go through all their groups every day and hang out with "the really, truely mentally ill" people there.