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Trig Jun 01, 2020 at 05:48 PM
  #1
I've put a trigger warning on this post because there might be triggering info throughout it.

Just had the third video session with my therapist. I hate the video sessions. Hate them. I feel like they've destroyed the connection between my therapist and I - and we had a close bond; we often spoke of that.

Today I talked about a dream I had regarding my mother's husband. The dream was not a happy one, but it was informative. My mother's husband was a severely unstable man, clearly mentally and emotionally unwell, and was also an alcoholic.
Possible trigger:


In therapy (in person) I have discussed, at length, what happened with the man. I did not give my therapist exact details of his sexual abuse, but I thought I had made what he did very clear; there are no "possibles" about it...I clearly remember his abuse, what happened, how I felt, etc.

During the video session today my therapist referred to abuse "whether we consciously remember it, or not." I said, "Oh, I consciously remember what he did..." She looked confused and said, "So you have clear memories ?"

Uh, yeah. I have clear memories. Is it possible that because I didn't give explicit details, she had misunderstood? Is it because we are trying to do these pseudo-sessions on video the problem?

I just shut down. She suggested that we do art therapy during a video session and I can show her what I draw. I cannot envision that happening, not over video. But I said, "Okay." I said okay because I feel at a loss.

I'm completely unstrung since the video sessions started. I feel that all the work we did is over. I want to stop therapy until (IF) in-person sessions resume. But I tried to do that 2 weeks ago and had a bad time of it, started crashing; my pdoc insisted that I continue with the video crap and she made appointments with my therapist for me.

Why am I having such a rough go of this?! All my therapist and I are now is talking tech-heads, we're not real people in a genuine relationship. Why did my therapist forget such crucial personal information - obviously she had me mixed up with someone else. At least that's likely. We stopped the stupid session and I felt so bad.

What are my options?...I can't seem to see them.

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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 06:19 PM
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I once gave a psychiatrist a detailed family history including the suicide of my brother only to have her ask next session if i had any siblings.
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 06:21 PM
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If it's hard for you to talk about it, could you maybe email her about the fact that you remember what happened to you and were hurt that she didn't remember what you told her?
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 06:54 PM
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I can't understand firsthand what you are experiencing, but it sounds really hard and I can imagine it would be very hurtful to feel she didn't understand what you had told her about your trauma. Would you feel comfortable telling her how it made you feel?

I don't want to speculate too much, but it seems that you are catastrophizing a bit about the relationship not being genuine anymore. Like if the dynamic has changed that the relationship is totally gone. I don't say that to minimize your experience, it's just something I've done before myself and so I wanted to bring it up just in case it is helpful.

I am editing to add that I may have misunderstood and perhaps you meant you feel the relationship is not genuine. I read it as you thought you really did not have one anymore. Sorry that I may misinterpreted and my response may not be useful.
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 06:58 PM
  #5
I'm sorry that everyone is dealing with video or telephone session, I do telephone I have zero desire for video.

This Covid is a Crisis unlike any one has gone through since the 1918 spanish flu that wiped out entire families.

Im sorry your feeling such a disconnect with your T, I think Downandloney has a great idea about emailing her the abuse you suffered. I am so sorry that you went through such hell , I had an "uncle"

Its just an unknown when things will get better and T's can resume seeing clients in person. The best thing we can do is use what is available.. Do you think you would be more comfortable doing a phone session as opposed to video?? That way you can some sort of control over that?

Hope your doing well after your surgery

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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
I once gave a psychiatrist a detailed family history including the suicide of my brother only to have her ask next session if i had any siblings.

WOW. I am so sorry. That pdoc wins the blue ribbon for medical practitioner who should not be in practice.

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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 08:18 PM
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If it's hard for you to talk about it, could you maybe email her about the fact that you remember what happened to you and were hurt that she didn't remember what you told her?
Thank you! In "normal" therapy (IRL) I would not have a problem with bringing anything up with her. In fact, I'm proud of myself because I've been entirely open and honest with her. But the video thing...I feel awkward telling such personal stuff to my therapist who is a big head inside of my computer.

Actually, I would much prefer posting to her (like we do here) than the video thing. I thought about emailing her, but lost my courage. So thanks for suggesting that, dandl!

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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs View Post
I can't understand firsthand what you are experiencing, but it sounds really hard and I can imagine it would be very hurtful to feel she didn't understand what you had told her about your trauma. Would you feel comfortable telling her how it made you feel?

I'm working on it. downandlonely suggested emailing...I am most likely more comfortable with emailing than I am telling her video head.

I don't want to speculate too much, but it seems that you are catastrophizing a bit about the relationship not being genuine anymore. Like if the dynamic has changed that the relationship is totally gone. I don't say that to minimize your experience, it's just something I've done before myself and so I wanted to bring it up just in case it is helpful.

I appreciate your honesty, fleurs. I know. I'm embarrassed. But I feel like it's a catastrophe. I feel like crying. And I keep having this feeling that she doesn't care as much about me as she did before. I had no doubt, before, that she cared. Now, meh, I'm just another anonymous client.

I keep wondering if the video problem has to do with my age? I mean, I'm 57...first used a computer when I was 37. So is my brain resisting this "new" way of communicating? If so, why am I so resistant?

I'm sorry...I don't expect you to have answers. I'm just thinking out loud, so to speak.

I am editing to add that I may have misunderstood and perhaps you meant you feel the relationship is not genuine. I read it as you thought you really did not have one anymore. Sorry that I may misinterpreted and my response may not be useful.

No...what you posted is thoroughly understandable, and I thank you I think I feel like the relationship has lost the feeling of being genuine...as if she and I are suddenly strangers.
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 08:42 PM
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I'm sorry that everyone is dealing with video or telephone session, I do telephone I have zero desire for video.

Yes. We were doing telephone, then the clinic told the staff they have to do video for the clinic to be paid.

This Covid is a Crisis unlike any one has gone through since the 1918 spanish flu that wiped out entire families.

Yep, lucky us. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. I keep trying to find a meaning in all of this. So far, I just see a blank fukitall.

Im sorry your feeling such a disconnect with your T, I think Downandloney has a great idea about emailing her the abuse you suffered. I am so sorry that you went through such hell , I had an "uncle"

That's terrible, and I'm very sorry, Christina. Waaay too many women have been through it.

Yeah, I feel nervous to email her, but emailing seems to be, for me, the most effective way to communiate - aside from IRL.

Its just an unknown when things will get better and T's can resume seeing clients in person. The best thing we can do is use what is available.. Do you think you would be more comfortable doing a phone session as opposed to video?? That way you can some sort of control over that?

I didn't mind the phone sessions all that much. I think it's so wrong that any insurance or clinic won't pay for phone sessions. I mean, what about people who cannot use video...elderly people, for example? Video just seems to shut a whole population out.

Hope your doing well after your surgery

Thank you! I'm coming along. Hard not to "get up and do." I'm loopy from pain med, which is probably one the reasons I'm in a semi-freak-out state. I'm not feeling very stable, emotionally. Opiates are probably not the best med for people with BP
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 08:50 PM
  #10
I always receive so many excellent suggestions here. Thanks for sharing your ideas and experiences. It means a lot to me.

I'm scared, I guess. I guess when all is said and done, that's it. I don't want to lose the warm, close relationship my therapist and I had before video sessions.

I've decided I'm going to email her. For me, writing is a natural way to communicate and once I hit "send" that's it - the email is sent and gone and I cannot change what I wrote. I cannot second-guess myself.

Love all around. Be safe.

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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 08:11 AM
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Beth Rags, I am glad you plan to email your therapist. When I read downandlonely's suggestion about writing out what you want to express, and have fully acknowledged, I thought "Yes, that's what I would want to do." I can't speak for everyone, but for me, writing can often be more of a release than talking.

If you do email her, you might want to ask her to acknowledge receiving and reading it. That can be done during a video session. Certainly an email response "Received" would be grossly inadequate in my book.

I totally understand your feelings about the video sessions. I have almost wished I could have a week off from them with mine. My therapist never seems to take time off. Even before the pandemic, any vacation she took seemed to be short and fall inbetween my appointments with her.

I'm sorry you have such difficult experiences to process during such a difficult time
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 10:07 AM
  #12
Thank you, Birdie. I tried to take a week off, fell apart, and my pdoc was insistent about making an appointment for me to see my therapist by video that week.

I was frustrated with myself, and quite surprised at my reaction...I really would like a block of time off to assess things...do I want to continue with video, or not? I'm worn out from obsessing over the question.

Anyway, I did email her yesterday evening. I didn't think to ask for a response, but I suppose she'll reply with a "Let's discuss this on Thursday."

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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 10:42 AM
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 12:21 PM
  #14
So she replied "We haven’t tried it yet. Let’s try and see. We need to try because at this point we don’t really know. This is uncharted territory. Let’s explore together."

I feel like she doesn't get what I'm saying - or purposely chooses not to. We have had 3 video sessions; I have the idea now of how it works. I'm not interested in being a therapy guinea pig, I've worked so hard to be stable. I'm so angry at all of this. Just my luck there would be a pandemic when I'm in the middle of therapy.

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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 03:21 PM
  #15
Hey Beth,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through and I can really relate. I haven't experienced the sort of abuse you have, but I have felt the frustration of having shared something personal and then realizing that it hasn't come through. And it can be really awful feeling unable to effectively convey how you're doing and what you're experiencing.

I also share your hatred of video sessions. I have the exact same feeling that it has destroyed the close bond that I so carefully cultivated. I'm trying to be hopeful that it can be restored, but I find that difficult to really believe. I also have the unpopular opinion that the mass hysteria surrounding covid-19 and the damage caused by the hysteria (such as the cost in mental health) is far, far worse than the virus itself, which is indeed a nasty virus but not the unprecedented plague it's made out to be. For me, seeing all that mass hysteria just feeds the helplessness and the anxiety that society is totally unhinged and I have no idea if and when my access to therapy will be taken away again.

It makes me angry that such drastic and damaging measures (denying people proper mental health care) were taken when it would have been enough to just keep our distance from each other and exercise basic hygiene. I can understand closing down restaurants and theaters, but breaking down essential parts of the health care system is ridiculous and unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't really have any help to offer, just wanted to say I'm sorry and I think I understand part of what you're feeling.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 03:41 AM
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Hey Beth,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through and I can really relate. I haven't experienced the sort of abuse you have, but I have felt the frustration of having shared something personal and then realizing that it hasn't come through. And it can be really awful feeling unable to effectively convey how you're doing and what you're experiencing.

Thank you. Yes, it feels terrible. Maybe I haven't been clear enough with my therapist. Maybe I need to straight out tell her that as long as therapy by video is required, I need to take a break from therapy. I've hinted at it, but she seems to skirt around it.

I also share your hatred of video sessions. I have the exact same feeling that it has destroyed the close bond that I so carefully cultivated. I'm trying to be hopeful that it can be restored, but I find that difficult to really believe.

I feel the same way. And I'd rather stop doing video therapy than throw everything away that I have gained from therapy (IRL) so far.

I also have the unpopular opinion that the mass hysteria surrounding covid-19 and the damage caused by the hysteria (such as the cost in mental health) is far, far worse than the virus itself, which is indeed a nasty virus but not the unprecedented plague it's made out to be. For me, seeing all that mass hysteria just feeds the helplessness and the anxiety that society is totally unhinged and I have no idea if and when my access to therapy will be taken away again.

A month ago I would have disagreed. I was watching everything about COVID on the news media and believing it wholeheartedly.

Now, with the (horrible) situation following the murder of George Floyd, the media never mentions COVID. It seems to be "yesterday's news." So...is it really as pervasive as we thought it was, or is it just a case of media bandwagon? Is it really worth the loss of medical care, including mental health care?

Last week I had surgery on my achilles tendon. It seemed to me that the main focus of the hospital was on COVID. I felt like screaming, I'm having surgery on my leg, I don't have COVID!

There are other medical conditions besides that virus, and those health problems seem to be ignored at this time by medical professionals.

As for the lapse in mental health...potentially disastrous.

It makes me angry that such drastic and damaging measures (denying people proper mental health care) were taken when it would have been enough to just keep our distance from each other and exercise basic hygiene. I can understand closing down restaurants and theaters, but breaking down essential parts of the health care system is ridiculous and unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't really have any help to offer, just wanted to say I'm sorry and I think I understand part of what you're feeling.

Thank you so much, FluffyDinosaur. And I agree. The COVID situation is, in my opinion, being very badly handled by the medical field. As a result, I (and many mental health patients!) am left feeling more shaken up and unsafe than any previous life trauma has caused me to feel. And that is terribly wrong!
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 04:31 AM
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A month ago I would have disagreed. I was watching everything about COVID on the news media and believing it wholeheartedly.

Now, with the (horrible) situation following the murder of George Floyd, the media never mentions COVID. It seems to be "yesterday's news." So...is it really as pervasive as we thought it was, or is it just a case of media bandwagon? Is it really worth the loss of medical care, including mental health care?

Last week I had surgery on my achilles tendon. It seemed to me that the main focus of the hospital was on COVID. I felt like screaming, I'm having surgery on my leg, I don't have COVID!

There are other medical conditions besides that virus, and those health problems seem to be ignored at this time by medical professionals.

As for the lapse in mental health...potentially disastrous.

Yes, I agree completely. If there's anything I've learned from this whole ordeal (as far as I didn't already know it), it's that the media are sensationalist. COVID-19 is a virus that, in most people, will just cause flu-like symptoms. Sure, it's dangerous for immunocompromised people, elderly people, and so on, and yes, we need to be careful to control the spread of the virus because we need to prevent hospitals from getting overwhelmed. But it is definitely not in the league of the Black Death and I think the excessive focus on COVID-19 while forgetting everything else has been a huge mistake. I would not be surprised at all if the collateral damage, especially in the long run, turns out to be much worse than the "cure."

Healthy people have a negligible chance of dying from COVID-19. Occasionally it does happen, as with any statistical improbability, and the media immediately jump on those cases and make it seem like everyone is about to die. And yet, healthy people die from the flu every year, and you never hear about that. In my opinion the media has been extremely irresponsible and they're at least partly to blame for all the damage caused by the overreaction, including (mental) health damage, economic damage, societal damage, and much more. They had a responsibility to present unbiased numbers and facts, not focus on the most scary corner cases and act like that's the norm. At this point I'm left without any faith in society, politics, the media, and people's ability to behave rationally and sensibly. It's giving me so much anxiety because I feel like there's no treatment, no solid ground that I can rely on.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:24 PM
  #18
I thought that when the rest of my life was a battle to be stable, at least I could rely on my mental health providers. They promised me, over and again, how they would never abandon me, blah, blah. I only half-believed them, but now I feel gut-punched because just a little bit I did believe them.

I have discovered that my well-being, and that of other patients, is not their top priority. I feel that my trust has been broken and betrayed.

I was always wary of the news media, knowing that at base, it's entertainment. That said, I thought we could trust the news to give us basic truths, stats, etc. But as you posted, "At this point I'm left without any faith in society, politics, the media, and people's ability to behave rationally and sensibly."

I feel the same way. I feel really anxious and afraid now. Absolutely re-traumatized. I'm trying hard to fight it, but it is a fight.

I know from my own volunteer work and connection to my local mental health community that there are many, many people who feel like you and I do.

And maybe we will get that COVID "second wave" that will prove us wrong.

All I know right now is that I feel lost. I'm trying not to constantly focus on how adrift I feel, but it's hard when my mind keeps going over all of it. I guess all I can do is remember to breathe and work toward not becoming so bitter that I feel even worse than I did when I started therapy.

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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
I thought that when the rest of my life was a battle to be stable, at least I could rely on my mental health providers. They promised me, over and again, how they would never abandon me, blah, blah. I only half-believed them, but now I feel gut-punched because just a little bit I did believe them.

I have discovered that my well-being, and that of other patients, is not their top priority. I feel that my trust has been broken and betrayed.

I was always wary of the news media, knowing that at base, it's entertainment. That said, I thought we could trust the news to give us basic truths, stats, etc. But as you posted, "At this point I'm left without any faith in society, politics, the media, and people's ability to behave rationally and sensibly."

I feel the same way. I feel really anxious and afraid now. Absolutely re-traumatized. I'm trying hard to fight it, but it is a fight.

I know from my own volunteer work and connection to my local mental health community that there are many, many people who feel like you and I do.

And maybe we will get that COVID "second wave" that will prove us wrong.

All I know right now is that I feel lost. I'm trying not to constantly focus on how adrift I feel, but it's hard when my mind keeps going over all of it. I guess all I can do is remember to breathe and work toward not becoming so bitter that I feel even worse than I did when I started therapy.

I'm really sorry and I empathize because I feel the exact same way. I trusted my therapist to be the one stable factor that I could always rely on and that I could use as a foundation for getting better. Then, at the first sign of trouble, that whole foundation crumbled and they all just left me in free fall for months. It's like they didn't think helping me was important enough to arrange any kind of proper care. I feel so deeply, deeply betrayed. I used to think my therapist really cared about me, but now I feel like all of mental health care is just a charade of people pretending to give a damn for a living, then just going home and not giving a rat's *** whether or not I'm dying inside. Now, the sessions just feel empty and meaningless because how can I genuinely talk to someone when I'm convinced they couldn't care less about me?

I'm also trying to stay positive and not become too bitter, but having a hard time of it. I hope next time I talk to my therapist we can talk this over and reach some kind of resolution, but I suspect this is yet another thing that's going to take a lot of time to heal.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 10:20 PM
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I'm really sorry and I empathize because I feel the exact same way. I trusted my therapist to be the one stable factor that I could always rely on and that I could use as a foundation for getting better. Then, at the first sign of trouble, that whole foundation crumbled and they all just left me in free fall for months. It's like they didn't think helping me was important enough to arrange any kind of proper care. I feel so deeply, deeply betrayed. I used to think my therapist really cared about me, but now I feel like all of mental health care is just a charade of people pretending to give a damn for a living, then just going home and not giving a rat's *** whether or not I'm dying inside. Now, the sessions just feel empty and meaningless because how can I genuinely talk to someone when I'm convinced they couldn't care less about me?

I'm also trying to stay positive and not become too bitter, but having a hard time of it. I hope next time I talk to my therapist we can talk this over and reach some kind of resolution, but I suspect this is yet another thing that's going to take a lot of time to heal.

What can I say, except...I could have written your post. I am so, so sorry that this therapy let-down, which is so painful, is happening to any of us. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this

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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

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The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.