Hafta Be Honest--Not Functioning At A Very High Level

Hey, guys. So, been doing some soul-searching today. Maybe a bit down today, maybe that is why. But, you know, just being honest with me, I just do not really perform at a very high level at all. Oh, sure, I can write, when I am not too out of it. But as far as living life? Not good. My place has been quite a mess for weeks. I don't keep up with the dishes. Bathroom needs to be cleaned again and I have no interest. Long as the sink and toilet work, I just do not care what anything looks like.

As I have recently shared, I forget meds all the time. Forget refills. I am working on maybe a pillbox and a google phone reminder. Maybe that will help. Not riding my bike at all. None. Never leave my apartment, unless absolutely necessary. In theory, going to our staggeringly awesome rose garden would be good, but I don't seem to be able to care enough to do it.

Anyway, I am not taking care of myself in my activities of daily living, is I guess maybe what I am trying to say. I don't know what to do. I don't have any help. My best friend, who would do anything for me, lives 3 hours away in Seattle. My daughter does not live with me and she is only 12, anyway. I am just struggling to live independently, I guess. It is really hard for me.

I'm right there with you.

I am sorry, whatever? What can we do, do you think?

To be honest, I was wondering how you were doing in this regard when you have been reporting a great deal of ongoing psychosis.

I'm guessing none of us cherish disclosing this part of our difficulties. Kudos for your honesty on this.

If you are feeling you truly want/need help, you might find some by contacting your state's center for independent living.
In my state, people living with disabilities can find assistance with many different aspects of life. In my state, this includes the right to interview and to select a personal assistant or a housekeeper, etc. In many instances, the CIL in my state will also pay for the services. Your state might do the same or better! I am hoping for even better!

"The term "center for independent living" means a consumer‑controlled, community‑based, cross‑disability, nonresidential private nonprofit agency that is designed and operated within a local community by individuals with disabilities and provides an array of independent living services."

The national cil directory is here:
ILRU Directory of Centers for Independent Living (CILs) and Associations | Independent Living Research Utilization

I hope this info helps in some way.

I do hope and pray you will experience a period of long-term relief... and healing on all levels.

Keep the Faith.
Much Love

I'm so sorry, cyclist! I was thinking, if you can afford it, maybe a brief change of scenery might help? A motel or even camping out in a beautiful place? How about taking a 3 hour drive to see your friend? If none of these ideas are doable, maybe something else will come to your mind & even lift your spirits. I hope so very much.

I want to offer my most heartfelt empathy for what you are experiencing. I know you've been through so very much and there is a lot to process. Backed up chores, extra pills on hand because you forgot to take them, etc are perhaps symbolic of that need. A blockage that is causing a pileup.

I don't have a good dermatology analogy, but in technology that looks like bad data that cannot be processed until the inputs are upgraded. The bad data starts throwing errors and all of the data behind it piles up and starts causing issues all throughout your system until you find the corrupt records and address them. Once addressed, the piled up data can be processed and an appropriate flow can be established again.

I do not have the answers you seek. I do know without a doubt that you do. I accept you as you are. I hold compassion for you as you are. My only thoughts are to seek to learn what you are meant to learn from this and love yourself for being open to change. And... Find a way to process what keeps coming up over and over and over. The psychosis is representative of corrupt data. Talk to us. Talk out loud. Write it down. Analyze your dreams. Call a friend. Call a help line. Join an online support group. I do not have the answer of what will work and only you can know what you need.

You're sharing something with us that is deeply personal and you're looking for a way out. That is very brave. In my experience the doorway to out does not exist though. It is a doorway to 'through' that integrates the experience.

The same is true in tech systems. We do not toss the corrupt data out because it happened for a reason and it will happen again if we ignore it. Instead, we look at it to figure out what it represents and decide how to handle it in the future.

For example, imagine we have a error in our system. It crashed. We have to figure out what is wrong so we investigate. Our first question is to ask, when did the problem start? Then we review all of the data from that time to find the source.

Imagine we have a field on a form that captures money allowed someone to type in 'hfgjugbkkff'. That would be an unexpected entry. Our system would then error out every time we run a function that sums up all of the money entries because you cannot add gibberish. We realize this is the root of all of our errors we see now.

So what do we do? What did we learn? First, we need to decide what this data represents to the user. What was their intent? Maybe we decide this was an attempt to tell us they have no money. We expected zero for the input and they typed in gibberish. We decide to adjust our system to allow users to tell us they do not have a value to enter and leave it blank and maybe we add code to check to ensure the value they give us is numerical. We also add a helpful note on the screen to leave the field blank if needed. That way, we anticipate and appreciate their possible needs and help to ensure we can process future scenarios without the same error and resulting data chaos and backups. We do not judge the user because our system just couldn't process what they offered. They helped us see where we needed to grow.

Be kind to yourself and let your beautiful heart lead you where you need to go. Your system simply could not process much of what happened to you and you're a bit stuck until you discover a way to sort it out, make peace with it and allow similar data to come forward in the future in a way that anticipates it and accepts it, but in a form you can work with. I don't know if this makes sense. I'm having to rewrite my own programming at the moment so that my system doesn't crash again. Please toss anything that does not resonate. Much love to you as always.

If you can afford it and can stand the thought----having someone come in (I would leave during this) and clean your place (the big stuff, bathroom, kitchen, floors etc)
this can be a big UPlift. No, it won't last forever but it relieves you of something that impacts you negatively and can sometimes help a jump start
And, hey, Call your best friend! (I have a friend who I have occasionally teamed up with to clean house---it works well when we can do it & we get to socialize...)
Give yourself lots of love just for hanging in there. It does sound like it might be time to "force" some kind of activity (away from home?) to break the monotony that is somehow comforting but also a trap...
Sometimes we just can't do it all alone given the obstacles...and insidious nature of

ps: I am just managing my small bathroom/kitchen/living area right now and close the door to the rest (it isn't horrible but it just feels better to not look at what isn't done right now)

bpcylist, I don't know how you felt reading the part of fern's post above, but as I was reading it, my eyes started to tear up. Honestly!

You know, if my husband wasn't home for this pandemic, or worse yet, if I was totally alone, I would likely be exactly where you are, or even worse. You are doing your best, under such circumstances. As fern wrote, you are brave, and please don't say you're not!

I clearly understand the reason behind your recent thread wishing for a support house, of sorts. I can say that my father doesn't want to leave his (an assisted living). In a document I created for a neurologist appointment, I mentioned his difficulties with IADLs, and the fears he has expressed. Whether or not they are all psych-related or from other issues, we still don't know. I have trouble with some IADLs, too. Even an ADL, on occasion.

My sister has done some research into hiring professional help to come to my father's home 3 hours per day, if/when he does return home. I think that would be a great solution. I don't know if you would qualify for such help, or could afford it, but as already suggested, it might be a solution.

Have you considered calling NAMI and asking about possible options? I briefly volunteered for their free helpline, and know that my area has some. I would imagine in Portland area, they might, as well. It never hurts to call. Do you live near a NAMI or DBSA meeting location? Have you ever attended a support group at one? Sometimes in-person meetings (which are free) provide more help than just online groups.

Thank you, Wild Coyote. I had never heard of a CIL. I am not sure we have one here, but I will look more. Maybe the county has a resource or something. I do think I might need someone to help me a little bit. It does not really embarras me, I mean, it does a little, I guess. But when you need help, you need help.

Thanks so very much for the support and the suggestions, Wild Coyote. I really appeicate it!!!!!!!

Good ideas, Breaking. Maybe I can summon the energy to ride over to the rose garden today...

Thanks, fern, so very much. Yeah, I guess, in your technology analogy, I am not exactly sure where to go. I mean, I do think this is all related to illness, I do. I do not think I have dementia--yet. Yes, my memory is a comedy compared to what it used to be. But I don't forget my meds due to a primary memory problem, in my opinion. It is everything all together that is responsible for my challenges. All of it. It is just a lot for me to try to keep up and manage everything.

I feel sort of like I did when I was in freshman chemistry in college. It just did not make sense to me, was hard. I ultimately got a C+. The porblem was that they were trying to make me learn it in a way to which my brain does not relate or respond. Once I started drawing pictures and images for myself and taping them all over my walls, chemistry was easy as pie and a joy. I need to find that same kind of solution here. Something that works given the way my brain is currently functioning.

And honestly, I do think right now, I likely need some help from a person from time to time. I am going to call the county today and see if they have any resources for people like me. I cannot be the only disabled person living independently in this town who has a hard time makin git all happen.

Hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!111

Thanks, winter. Yes, isolation is its own problem fo rme and I need to take some action to try to ameliorate this. Thanks!!!!

Yeah, I will look on Craigslist and see how much those people charge to come for an hour or two or the ones who clean. Maybe once in a while? Dunno. NAMI is huge here and I had not thought of them. I wil swallow my pride and call them.

There is a DBSA group I wanted to try, but it is at 8 PM at Providence, a hospital not in the best part of town after dark. I would have to leave my bike outside and that is not wise, despite how good my lock is. Max, the train that goes there, that specific train is the one where two people were stabbed to death by a psychopath a few years ago. It is kinda dangerous. So, I have not been to that meeting yet.

Thanks for the suggestions!!!!!1

bpcylist, please don't think of contacting NAMI as "swallowing your pride". It's just the opposite. It is brave. It is a strong and proactive act.

So yeah, basically I am saying your mind is like a 50 car pileup on the freeway or all of the chemistry class data not computing and you have to find a way to make sense out of what happened to you... You need new programming. A system upgrade because just coping is no longer working. Once you find a system to process it that works, your flow can return and you can get back to greater balance. It is intermittent change through trial and error. Progress over perfection.

'The porblem was that they were trying to make me learn it in a way to which my brain does not relate or respond. Once I started drawing pictures and images for myself and taping them all over my walls, chemistry was easy as pie and a joy. I need to find that same kind of solution here. Something that works given the way my brain is currently functioning'

^^^^^ This sounds like as good of a system as any to process trauma and mental blocks. Maybe apply it somehow to mental health. So maybe each fear becomes a picture of how you percieve it to look and feel chemically... What are the bonds like and what is the structure of it like? What kind of metaphorical chemical reaction do you need to shift it? Make yourself a formula for dealing with each type of psychotic situation and plaster it on your wall. If it comes from your base, figure out a thought and emotion formula that is acid so you can neutralize it. If it is an unstable isotope, metaphorically stabilize it. Whatever. OR try something wildly different. Get wierd with it.

I think the problem may be you haven't found the system that works for how your brain thinks and feels. That was my issue. I expected meds and traditional therapy to work. They did not. Maybe it was because I couldn't fully trust or maybe I felt they did not understand me. Maybe it was because I am not a psychology expert and applied the concepts wrong. Regardless, I needed something custom that was built just for me.

I needed something that made sense to my spiritual side and worked with my analytical processing. I needed something that could honor all of the roles I played in my life. I needed something that made sense out of the crazy dreams I was having. I needed something that worked with music and all of the songs constantly in my head. I also needed to blend all of that with what psychology scholars had to say about the conscious and subconscious mind.

So I basically looked at all of my requirements and then designed a custom strategy to address them. I went at it holistically considering the spirit, soul, mind, emotions and body. I used the roles I know well. Strategy, business, technology, etc.

I percieve that my therapist doesn't fully get what I'm doing and I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else. How am I gonna integrate crazy any other way than be willing to meet it and get a little crazy? My formula for balance in any moment is unique to me. This is what I mean by only you know.

Thanks for sharing. I’m very sorry you’re struggling. This isn’t my style to say things like this but you are one of my “heroes’ on here since I appreciate what I think is your pure heart despite having been tarnished by those who try to hurt others in this world. It was brave of you to open up about this issue. I think it’s a hard area to open up about (maybe especially to someone irl who may misunderstand and or judge with possibly severely unpleasant consequences... especially to us “sensitive souls” which is no “weakness”... it’s a “badge of honour” to have survived for decades at all while experiencing bipolar and being “over sensitive” (not saying you are “over sensitive’ but I possibly am. Sometimes.

I have a suspicion that I know where you are located. And I know of a resource that if you have Medicare and have SSI, you can apply for a company to come in and give you support to do the following, plan a way through, help you to clean, prompts to get things done, and support when you go out. It's a premier agency that a case manager can refer you to. Please pm me and we can talk more.

I do want to say that I know you have more power than you think!! It sounds like you have been to college, you have been through challenges. And sometimes thinking a different way can help.

In the last three weeks, I have been thinking about my own illness. And I want to offer this idea to you and to others. I have thought for years that medication was Everything, and it would help me more than anything else. I was wrong. I am the one with the power to change! I already know the answer, but I am having issues expressing and acting on th plan in my mind.

I saw a YouTube video on Tiny habits. And I thought, what if I stop trying to choose, but just start on something. Doesn't matter what it is, even if it was flossing one tooth. It's something! What can you do that takes 30 seconds? And then do that.

You wrote a lot, meaning that it was important to you to express yourself. I commend you for that. It isn't easy to let anyone in to your own life, and most of all yourself. What can you do today to let yourself in, and become intimate with who you are today?

One thought can change the world. But don't become too overwhelmed, just start somewhere.

I hope this helps, and I know you can start small.

Great post. You have a lot to offer members on pc (and I am sure to people irl also)

Hugs and respect

Granted it took 15 years to get to this point in my life. I want to help people see that mental illness doesn't have to define or control your every move.