How do I un-mood myself from a very old family mood

There is only ONE person in the whole world who can put me into the mood I'm in now. That person is my sister. Two years ago, I cut her out of my life, and never got into this mood. Then she found out from another family member that I have a serious physical health condition, and she got that family member to tell me she wanted me to call her because she's concerned about me. I was RELUCTANT to call her, but I did. For the past two months, we have had a good, fun relationship. But today she started "The Argument" that she always starts. She only has one argument. It works like this: Sister: "I want to tell you something you said/wrote in email or something that hurt me and I wonder if I could tell you." Me: "OK, what?" Sister: You said XYZ and it's really MY problem because I took it wrong, but her's what you said/did. I know you didn't mean to hurt me." Me: "I didn't realize I said that and I'm sorry. So let's drop it, okay?" Sister: "You are making me invisible! I just want to tell you how it made me feel." And the argument gets really heated from there. So you see, my friends, nothing I say works for her. If I want to apologize and forget about it, I'm making her invisible because I refuse to listen to her tell me how bad she feels by what I inadvertently said or did.

So 2 hours ago, I cut her out of my life again. For two years, I lived peaceably and nothing upset me like she did today, because she is the ONLY person in the WHOLE WORLD who can upset me like this.

This horrible mood could go on for 3-4 days. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to change my mood from a bad mood into a good mood?

Thanks in advance for anyone who writes!:

MsMystery

Hi MsMystery. The story you shared sounds like your sister is high-maintenance. I can understand your frustration if this is a very frequent tendency of hers. I can't help but wonder what she expects from you or if anything you could offer, without totally being untrue to yourself, would even satisfy her. If you think there's something you could do/say that you're OK with, I'd just do it. There does come times when we have to just eat our pride to get stuff to pass. If she continues to dwell on the situation, I'd announce the "case closed". If you think there's never any satisfying her, then your choice could be to lose contact or just let some of her complaints roll off your back, as if your back was Teflon. I know that can be easier said than done, but it could be worth practicing. If it escalates her grievances, then she's got to know that it may be more "her problem" than yours, and that she might wish to talk to a therapist to help resolve them.

Another option you might consider is to ask a third party to provide some input into the situation. Are you overlooking something you may have did/said wrong, unknowingly? If so, then you may wish to process that with your therapist.

Do you actually truly value your relationship with your sister? Or are you more going through the motions? If the latter, why keep doing that? If the former, keep working at. We're not obligated to have relationships with people we clash with. There has to be some reciprocal benefit, even if small.

Hello, BirdDancer, thanks for your reply. I do not value my relationship with my sister. None of your suggestions would work with her, because I have tried them numerous times over YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS with The Argument, the one and only argument she has. Namely, She: "You did XYZ. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but it made me feel.....3-4 paragraphs of pain." If I say, I'm sorry that what I said/wrote hurt you, and you are right it was never my intention to hurt you. But I am not perfect, so let's just forget about it now. I'm sorry." And see, BirdDancer and all, to let go of it makes her "invisible." I have cut her off, and will not speak to her again. . What I need now from the Forum is to figure out how to get rid of this mood that The Argument caused me to have. I am extremely angry and upset, and I want to let go of the mood but it's eating me alive. I tried several things already to get rid of this mood. I tried watching a TV series on Netflix. Didn't help. I tried playing one of my musical instruments, played well, and after I played The Mood came right back. I ate something and that didn't help, either.

Since you have made up your mind and feel quite certain about your decision, you need to free yourself from the anger and upset. As horrible as this may sound, maybe do something for yourself to celebrate!

It's possible that there is some grieving process somewhere deep down inside of you. Or if not, maybe you regret not finishing with an [expletive] aimed at her? They can be done (along with coordinating gesticulations) in privacy, in a symbolic way.

Yes, I think there is a grieving process, because I feel like a failure. Sisters "should" love each other and have fun, but the real truth about us two "sisters" is that we don't really even like each other. She'll send me flossie, glossy holiday cards with gushy hand written messages about what a wonderful sister I am, but when we visit, we invariably get into The Argument. The same Argument it always is -- I've said or done something that hurt her poor feelings, and I owe it to her to listen to her tell me how painful my inadvertent deed is to her.

Have you told her how you feel after talking to her? And why? It would be a kindness,she may or may not appreciate.

Hello, winter4me. I'm not going to open up discussions with her again. In the past, the worst discussions and arguments were when I tried to accommodate her feelings. She just does not understand that I'm not obligated to listen to her rant. I did call back yesterday and tried to patch things up. I said, "Why is it that you and I make each other feel so bad?" And instantly she started up The Argument again, right where she'd left off. Saying she's tried to make me understand how she felt. I don't care how she feels, not to that extreme degree. She'd already said she knew I had no intention of hurting her, but my comment hurt her and she felt bad. That's enough! I don't need to hear anything else. Drop it, but then she feels "invisible." I told her she was not invisible to me, and she said, "But I feel linvisible." Who the h......cares.

Hm, see to me, you didn't validate her feelings. You claimed you didn't realize, said "sorry" over something you don't recall, and then wanted to end the conversation.

"Sorry" is just a word. What exactly were you sorry about? To me, it sounded more like your way of ending the conversation because she addressed an unfavorable side of you. What she's needing is an understanding so it can be prevented from happening again. If you don't acknowledge, there's no change.

.. which is why you may be struggling with empathizing with her. It's the root of it. Question is, why?

"But" deletes everything prior to it, and then you followed up with wanting to "forget" about it. She's not wanting you to forget about it. She's wanting you to be aware so you can be more mindful with how you interact with her.

Yikes. You seem so unaware about your own behaviours towards her. If you don't like her or have respect for her, there's a good probability your behaviours showcase that.. and you don't seem to care.

Where's the resolution? Is it enough to just say sorry.. or "ok.. got it" if it keeps happening again and again? I suspect her "rant" is more about her repeating herself because she's not getting the validation she's needing because you simply don't care.

So to answer your question, how do you get out of this mood? Well, if you feel like a failure, maybe it's because you're struggling with caring about your sister and her feelings. I'd start there and it's not a quick fix. I suspect she's bringing out something in you you're not liking about yourself and it's affecting your mood.

I think.. if you are feeling like a ''failure'' it may be because you care about your sister and ... to some extent...her moods. There can be a tightrope to walk.... I wish you well. Keep posting and sharing here, this is a very supportive and caring community

You told your sister that she is not invisible to you. That is HUGE, imo...

I suggest maybe a ''time out'' ..... time can be a healer and can bring ''maturity'' and fresh growth. I can't really give very much advice since I do not know you or your sister, obviously... I do not know if you are consulting a therapist? (sorry if I missed that)

I think that your sister could very likely be bringing out something you Do Not Like about Yourself and that it's affecting your mood.

Ms. Lady and FuzzyBear, Thanks to both of you for responding. Ms. Lady, thanks for trying, but I think you are talking semantics. I don't agree that I am simply dismissing my sister's feelings, because this is OLD STUFF that I've heard before. We've had this same argument before, and I was completely familiar with the issue she brought up. She told me what I did, and I admitted it although I was not aware of it at the time. It's old family behavior practiced by my dad against my mother, and the whole family against my sister. I do care that what I wrote bothered my sister, but the extent of her feeling damaged is not just me. She admits that it happens to her with a lot of people. She told me what I did made her feel bad, and I said I understood that, and I was sorry I had slipped up. She wanted a guarantee from me that I would never slip up again, and I said I wasn't perfect. I don't think I did anything in the argument to provoke her to want to dump on my like I was her therapist. I feel like a failure because we can't just be good sisters. I don't agree with her that that's just what happens in families. Not to this severe degree with all families, and I refuse to let her mess with me this way. The reason I feel so bad is because she's my sister and the only person in whole world who can bring out the pain in me that she does.

A very complex situation... It is not reasonable of her to demand a guarantee from you that you will not slip up again.

''I do care that what I wrote bothered my sister, but the extent of her feeling damaged is not just me. She admits that it happens to her with a lot of people''..

You apologized.

Not everyone is even capable or willing to do that.... in families and elsewhere that can and does do immense harm.... and ...

I could write more, maybe another time. Thinking of you

Is there one small thing you could try differently that might change any of that dynamic (or stuckness)?

Hello again, Fuzzybear. I have tried everything. There is no small or large thing I can do that will cause my sister to stop demanding that I listen to her pain. I know the pain. She causes me pain. The family grew up in pain. I do not want to listen to her pain. I think it suffices that she tells me that something I did or said, in the family tradition of telling her how she thinks about something (that's what I apparently inadvertently did) made her feel very, very bad. Of course I am sorry she feels bad, but I don't need the details, because I know them all because The Argument has happened for years and years. And for those who asked if we have therapists, yes, we both have therapists. She had another therapist for years and years, and it must not have been a very good therapist, because I did not see any improvements in her life. She is a menace, and just does not know how to treat people. She says she loves me, but she doesn't know what love is.

If you are not going to listen/communicate....nothing to be done. Accept and let go. You don't care how she feels. (your words) so why would any of this matter?

Hello, Winter4me. You say I'm not willing to listen/communicate. The fact is, this is not about communicating. I'm tried communicating, many many times. Communication implies trying to work something out, but we can't work this out. I admit that I messed up, inadvertently. She says she knows I was not trying to hurt her. End of discussion, as far as I'm concerned. We don't communicate -- she accuses and I listen, or refuse to listen. I know The Argument, because it's been going on our entire lives. It's over. I am trying to drop it. I'm very irritable right now, too, because I just placed an order with Instacart, and they have so many glitches. They used to be very good about getting my groceries, but for the past several months they have been dysfunctional and it really gets me severely irritated. I wrote to my pdoc about both these things and hope she has some medication to keep me from being so irritated.

I'd say wait 3-4 days, like you said, and let it dissipate. If anyone said to me "I'm sorry" (about hurting me) and then right after "lets drop it now." I might feel invalidated too.

Maybe you guys just aren't a good match for interaction.

Hello Woven Galaxy. You've got it fine! My sister and I are not a good match.