Bipolar check-in #47

Kind of related to some of the recent posts

“and I meant
Every word that I said....
And I’m gonna keep on lovin you”

Hugs and love to All

What if I don't care if my addiction kills me? What if I kinda want it to?

Yes, they are.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Spikes

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

spikes

It is completely natural to feel this way when you are struggling as you are. Just get through the next ten minutes and don't worry about anything else. It will get better. You just have to trudge through the mud first. You can do this!!!!!!!!

I think we don't want it to. Shouldn't that count too?

I got the results of my bloodtest part 2. My heboglobem or whatever it’s called is elevated. My mom googled it and it has something to do with rib something and iron. It supposedly is only a problem when it’s low. My doctor says it’s related to the T so he’s not concerned. I have health anxiety so I’m worried. I’m just mainly worried because in just 3 months I already have higher creatinine levels and now this. And I’m going to be on T for years.

You can stop stressing about that one, MD--it is only a problem if it is super high.

If you want to lower your hemoglobin just donate blood. You'll be doing a good deed and temporary reduce your hemoglobin. There's always a need for blood.

Partial hospital intake is tomorrow at 1:30PM very nervous

They will help you, falcon. This will be a very good thing. Totally behind you on this!!

I only got two hours of sleep last night so I have a major headache. I'm going to do group again today. I might call their crisis line, but I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" anymore because I'm not in the IOP or PHP anymore, just showing up for groups like an aftercare thing. I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and shame right now. When exactly am I supposed to start feeling better?

I have been really tired and lethargic these past few days and also dizzy. Could that be because of it?

I've been there and remember feeling the same. Just keep breathing and remind yourself you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. That is smart and brave. They are just people. They have seen and heard it all and they are there to help. Deep breaths.

The crisis line LEGALLY has to help you if you call them. It would be illegal if they ignored you, regardless if you're in their IOP/PHP or not. However, as a fair warning, they may tell you to call someone else (e.g., 911) and tell you they themselves cannot physically help you because you're no longer their patient, which is perfectly legal to say. But they are obligated to help by connecting you to someone who can help you or telling you who to call for help.

Btw, do you think your drug use has exacerbated your negative feelings?

Please call that crisis line or go to the ED, spikes. We all love and support you!!!!!!!!!

Unlikely. Before it were to cause issues, it would probably give you more energy...

Slept very restlessly again, but did sleep a bit overall, so, not too bad. Not restful, but, given my sleep history, I really cannot complain. I feel fine right now, but the pattern has been feeling pretty solid for about an hour and then, the bottom starts to fall out and I am in rough shape within two hours or so. So, maybe today will be better. I almost never lose hope for improvement, which does help me. They say it is faith, hope, and love, and that the greatest of these is,,, Well, you know. For me, personally, my version of that is not faith, but total and complete certainty, hope, and love. And I always have that, no matter how bad it gets.

I do really wonder if my overall, decades of mania in June and depression in Oct/Nov has just flipped. A I say, I got manic and psychotic in October of '19 and it only ended a few weeks ago. Now, this. So, Since OCtober, I have had about, I guess, maybe threeish weeks of pretty euthymic time. Not judging, but I wonder if this is just the new me. Time will tell.

Really hopeful I can either write or ride the bike today. I will try again. It is all I can do. Wrote just a page yesterday and I could not have been less engaged or interested. So weird. But at least I ws gentle with myself and did not use all that old, negative self-talk that fueled my career for so long. So, that is good, I think.

Did happen to find a show that, while really not at all very similar, is somewhat tangentially related to my novel story line. It is quite interesting to see how another writer approaches stories involving odd brain capabilities. Pretty cool show, actually. It is called Stitchers. I will feelly admit that 4.647% of the appeal is the staggering physical beauty and hilariousness of the quite socially bereft and off-putting lead, she ist just too funny, but, hey, I am just a single guy, so, you know...

Love and hugs to everyone struggling.