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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 09:45 AM
  #1
I know, for me, how crucial it is to set limits on things like responsibilities, tasks or itinerary items, or just plain stress levels. If I don't, I can quite easily become ill from my bipolar disorder. Sometimes quickly and severely.

I'm wondering what steps/methods you use to help set limits on things to ensure your mental well-being.

I'm already finding myself in a situation where my limits are surely being exceeded. Sometimes I'm the violator and sometimes my husband is. Of course life's happenings themselves can bring on too much stress. That's hard to avoid. How do you step back, in all of these situations?

My husband has been planning a trip for us. I talked to him over a week ago about risks, and yet he keeps adding more and more. When I warn him, he sometimes argues. Other times he gives in, exasperated. And yet he knows very well what can happen!

My husband now wants to invite his sister to join us in Barcelona (a huge surprise since he'd usually NEVER want such a thing). I really like his sister a lot, but both he and she can be stubborn buggers and fight easily. If I were to go ballistic on top of that, it would be a mighty ugly situation.

Note: We don't even know if we (or at least I) will be accepted into the EU in September. It depends on if the US improves greatly at lowering our covid cases. The EU would not trust numbers that were artificially lowered by cutting down on testing in the US. They're not stupid!
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 10:05 AM
  #2
I know you’d have fear of missing out doing this on a trip, but could you have something like a spa day to indulge in self care when the sister is there? Maybe just a half day would work so you wouldn’t totally miss out?

Basically for me I’m not afraid to derail plans if I’m not feeling right.

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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 10:07 AM
  #3
I suspect that trip will not happen as it does appear the eu will ban US travelers. That said, I have previously expressed my profound worry about the trip for you, so, enough sai on all that.

Since I am alone now, I cannot really imagine what all this cooping up of families who reside together must be causing for people, stress-wise. No way to get a little alone time, no real easy way to decompress. It must be very difficult. My poor 88 year-old dad, who is physcially completely healthy, has not been out in months. Not permitted by his home and COVID is raging here. So hard.

What about trying to actually schedule a daily trip out of the hosue alone? A walk, say. Bikd ride, whatever it is you enjoy. Some time just for you to be alone and to think and process and, as I say, sort of maybe decompress a bit? It might really do some good. Go look at some birds, for God's sake. You love that!!! It makes you happy. Do that. Get your binocs and go do it.

Hubby is clearly hell-bent on this trip and doing it his way, for now, at least. I was married to a woman who was constitutionally like this 24/7. I finally realized she did not desire my input. What she wanted was for me to shut up and write checks, which I did for 17 years, much to my detriment. Not comparing her to hubby in any meaningful way, clearly, but this current dynamic is one I have much experience with. It is unlikely to be smooth, in my experience, until and unless your prefectly valid and scientifically/medically appropriate concerns are actually heard and processed by the portion of him that is not hell-bent on doing this precisely and exactly he wishes at present.

Communication, BD. I just do not see another way through this without it. I know you are a very good communicator and excellent at advocating for you. You can totally do this!!!!!

Love and hugs always!!!!!!!!!!1

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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 11:11 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic View Post
I know you’d have fear of missing out doing this on a trip, but could you have something like a spa day to indulge in self care when the sister is there? Maybe just a half day would work so you wouldn’t totally miss out?

Basically for me I’m not afraid to derail plans if I’m not feeling right.
Hi Sometimes psychotic. It's funny you mentioned the spa idea because my husband already has the idea of dropping me off at a spa in Czech Republic when he goes on to Germany to visit his brother. That spa stay would be more of a two-day or four-day stay, unlike the usual hour to half-day stay at most US spas.

I have talked to my husband about ground rules for both him and his sister, if his sister does go. His sister is fully aware of my situation. I'd hope they would respect my needs.

I was thinking that when we move on from Barcelona that maybe I could stay in the Airbnb for part of a day. Hubby is booking places with gardens or pool. I believe I might just do that.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 11:18 AM
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I suspect that trip will not happen as it does appear the eu will ban US travelers. That said, I have previously expressed my profound worry about the trip for you, so, enough sai on all that.

Since I am alone now, I cannot really imagine what all this cooping up of families who reside together must be causing for people, stress-wise. No way to get a little alone time, no real easy way to decompress. It must be very difficult. My poor 88 year-old dad, who is physcially completely healthy, has not been out in months. Not permitted by his home and COVID is raging here. So hard.

What about trying to actually schedule a daily trip out of the hosue alone? A walk, say. Bikd ride, whatever it is you enjoy. Some time just for you to be alone and to think and process and, as I say, sort of maybe decompress a bit? It might really do some good. Go look at some birds, for God's sake. You love that!!! It makes you happy. Do that. Get your binocs and go do it.

Hubby is clearly hell-bent on this trip and doing it his way, for now, at least. I was married to a woman who was constitutionally like this 24/7. I finally realized she did not desire my input. What she wanted was for me to shut up and write checks, which I did for 17 years, much to my detriment. Not comparing her to hubby in any meaningful way, clearly, but this current dynamic is one I have much experience with. It is unlikely to be smooth, in my experience, until and unless your prefectly valid and scientifically/medically appropriate concerns are actually heard and processed by the portion of him that is not hell-bent on doing this precisely and exactly he wishes at present.

Communication, BD. I just do not see another way through this without it. I know you are a very good communicator and excellent at advocating for you. You can totally do this!!!!!

Love and hugs always!!!!!!!!!!1
Yes, I do think my husband is excessively optimistic about the trip happening then.

I do love watching my birds You know, the hard part is that I have been developing very very mild agoraphobic tendencies because of this pandemic. At my therapist's urging, I am pushing myself to get out at least a little, despite, but it's hard. Hubby would have gone to the barbershop yesterday alone, but I volunteered to go with him. Obviously, I didn't sit in the barbershop with him. I walked a little around town. It was nice, all but having to wear the mask. Some people don't wear masks outside, but many in my area do when there are lots of people around. I could go to the lake in my car and sit there. Maybe sit on bleachers there (bleachers for normally watching university rowing races), if no one is around.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 10:30 PM
  #6
Well you know what the damn trips to Florida does to me

I think its pretty doubtful that you guys will actually be able to make that trip because of COVID...

But maybe this is your husbands way of coping with all the stress of COVID , Major worries about his job, working from home, losing a co worker etc etc etc..

So he is busy making plans and thoughts of inviting his sister blah blah blah So mentally he is thinking past covid..

Hell Steve has talked many times about a trip to Florida since all this stuff started. I was really upset at first but ...... we dont have the money and we cant risk of catching covid so we aint gonna be going anywhere anytime soon .. So I let him talk about it, I am not allowing it to upset me..

Steves son works for American Airlines and they are being told that its likely they will have to furlough employees because they just arent making enough money on flights being so empty..

Maybe let your husband ramble about the trip and divert your mind to something else... Men typically tune of there wives out so we can tune them out too

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Default Jun 29, 2020 at 10:19 AM
  #7
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Well you know what the damn trips to Florida does to me

I think its pretty doubtful that you guys will actually be able to make that trip because of COVID...

But maybe this is your husbands way of coping with all the stress of COVID , Major worries about his job, working from home, losing a co worker etc etc etc..

So he is busy making plans and thoughts of inviting his sister blah blah blah So mentally he is thinking past covid..

Hell Steve has talked many times about a trip to Florida since all this stuff started. I was really upset at first but ...... we dont have the money and we cant risk of catching covid so we aint gonna be going anywhere anytime soon .. So I let him talk about it, I am not allowing it to upset me..

Steves son works for American Airlines and they are being told that its likely they will have to furlough employees because they just arent making enough money on flights being so empty..

Maybe let your husband ramble about the trip and divert your mind to something else... Men typically tune of there wives out so we can tune them out too
You are so on the target with so many of your points here, Christina!

First, I can definitely see how my trips are pretty much the same as your ones to Florida. I do remember what you went through the last time you went. And your husband's behavior, as you described it, sounded quite like my husband's. It is hard to fight against that, isn't it?

We've been getting mixed opinions on whether or not we'll be able to go on the trip in September. For now, I guess I'll just sit back and whatever happens, happens.

This trip I describe is now almost all my husband thinks about. It is exciting him beyond belief. It clearly seems to be his escape, in many respects. I don't, however, believe it is as much related to covid 19 stress as it is his work stress. We both have a "want to run away" feeling going on. He has a tendency to believe the grass is always greener on the other side.

My husband continues to add more and more to the trip itinerary. I have been trying hard to set limits. His nephew has been going all around the country village telling people that we are coming, including friends who now seem to expect to visit with my husband. I asked my husband to tell his nephew to stop telling people. I specifically recall during your last major Florida trip that your aunt wanted to see you, but that that was too much. I think most here encouraged you to just say no. I know that's what I have to do, too. But again, if people don't know we're coming, then there isn't the pressure from them.

It's sad to write/say, but I guess it's a relief that my husband and his eldest sister (not the one he's invited to Barcelona) haven't talked for four years. Then he's not expected to visit her when he visits his brother in Germany. I don't care much for his eldest sister. She and her family are not so very nice.
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Default Jun 29, 2020 at 09:30 PM
  #8
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You are so on the target with so many of your points here, Christina!

First, I can definitely see how my trips are pretty much the same as your ones to Florida. I do remember what you went through the last time you went. And your husband's behavior, as you described it, sounded quite like my husband's. It is hard to fight against that, isn't it?

We've been getting mixed opinions on whether or not we'll be able to go on the trip in September. For now, I guess I'll just sit back and whatever happens, happens.

This trip I describe is now almost all my husband thinks about. It is exciting him beyond belief. It clearly seems to be his escape, in many respects. I don't, however, believe it is as much related to covid 19 stress as it is his work stress. We both have a "want to run away" feeling going on. He has a tendency to believe the grass is always greener on the other side.

My husband continues to add more and more to the trip itinerary. I have been trying hard to set limits. His nephew has been going all around the country village telling people that we are coming, including friends who now seem to expect to visit with my husband. I asked my husband to tell his nephew to stop telling people. I specifically recall during your last major Florida trip that your aunt wanted to see you, but that that was too much. I think most here encouraged you to just say no. I know that's what I have to do, too. But again, if people don't know we're coming, the years agon there isn't the pressure from them.

It's sad to write/say, but I guess it's a relief that my husband and his eldest sister (not the one he's invited to Barcelona) haven't talked for four years. Then he's not expected to visit her when he visits his brother in Germany. I don't care much for his eldest sister. She and her family are not so very nice.
Yeah I hear ALL that... My husband is always open to seeing anyone he can while we are down in Florida,, Hes just more of a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy unlike me that I prefer to know the day before what I am doing and who I am seeing. But Honestly I am selfish with my time, I suppose in some ways.. When I am on Florida any moment I can see Amanda I do.. I dont care so much for seeing other people , nor really seeing his boys or even the grand daughter.. its complicated

My Aunt ? yes you are correct. Shes so draining for a variety of reasons. She sends me 101 negative memes and videos of things a day on my Facebook messenger and I dont even look. Shes a bitter lonely woman that has no desire to actually find anything to be happy about. Very sad !

I want to run away too !

I hope that you guys can make the trip and it not turn into a hellish trip that you will come home bald from...and one day make the move abroad when your husband can retire.

6 months ago I was thrilled to be back home and thought...Okay well we have that 2 week limit for being gone now and it helped and I dont have to even think about it again til AUG/SEPT..... Well then Covid and Steves health happened..

The world is on fire

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 11:30 PM
  #9
There is the mention of some outstanding realities and very valid experience in this thread.

It is quite possible that your husband is, well, to put it bluntly, pipe dreaming.

From everything I'm hearing and seeing the covid pandemic is being taken extremely seriously all over the world - as it should be.

In order to plan a trip for September you'd have to dive in quite soon. So what happens if you purchase tickets, book lodgings, and all the thousand little things that international travel requires, only to have it all fall apart because the EU isn't allowing anyone from outside the EU to cross their borders? Then you're in a stressful mess, and sure to lose major money somewhere, somehow.

And there's covid itself. Not to be taken lightly. I absolutely love to travel and have done plenty of it - that said, I would not leave my immediate region of the world at this time if all travel expenses were offered to me free.

I like what Christina said. It seems to come naturally to husbands to forget to listen to their wives. Well, vice-versa it, Birdie. Let him daydream. It's likely his way of coping right now.

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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 07:32 AM
  #10
I also set limits in the number of things I get involved in. And I am nice to myself by taking time to read for pleasure, watch TV shows and movies, etc.--and I pace myself for what I need to do around the house.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 08:29 AM
  #11
I'm trying to defend my personal space more assertively because I need to have a place where I can have peace and quiet. Especially when I'm working but also sometimes when I'm not. I try to make agreements about that with my wife and kids.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 01:50 PM
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There is the mention of some outstanding realities and very valid experience in this thread.

It is quite possible that your husband is, well, to put it bluntly, pipe dreaming.

From everything I'm hearing and seeing the covid pandemic is being taken extremely seriously all over the world - as it should be.

In order to plan a trip for September you'd have to dive in quite soon. So what happens if you purchase tickets, book lodgings, and all the thousand little things that international travel requires, only to have it all fall apart because the EU isn't allowing anyone from outside the EU to cross their borders? Then you're in a stressful mess, and sure to lose major money somewhere, somehow.

And there's covid itself. Not to be taken lightly. I absolutely love to travel and have done plenty of it - that said, I would not leave my immediate region of the world at this time if all travel expenses were offered to me free.

I like what Christina said. It seems to come naturally to husbands to forget to listen to their wives. Well, vice-versa it, Birdie. Let him daydream. It's likely his way of coping right now.
For my husband, there is always pipe dreaming, to a degree. If not in terms of our ability to go to Europe, which is indeed up in the air, then in terms of what he thinks I can do.

Hubby did buy some travel insurance that would allow us to change our flights, if needed, but some of the hotels/Airbnb reservations he made are set in stone. He said that if everything falls apart, that he could offer for his nephew to fly to Barcelona to stay in the Airbnb room. Flights from Prague are only the equivalent of $60 to $80 each way. He could manage that.

You are definitely right that this is all helping my husband to cope. He thinks about it all of the time. I don't much at all.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 01:53 PM
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I also set limits in the number of things I get involved in. And I am nice to myself by taking time to read for pleasure, watch TV shows and movies, etc.--and I pace myself for what I need to do around the house.
I'm so glad you addressed this in terms of daily life. So true that we have to realize what is reasonable on "To Do" lists, and what is beyond. I know that when I was still working I also needed away from the desk time. At home, I need my relaxation time.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 01:57 PM
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I'm trying to defend my personal space more assertively because I need to have a place where I can have peace and quiet. Especially when I'm working but also sometimes when I'm not. I try to make agreements about that with my wife and kids.
I'm glad you're doing that FluffyDinosaur. Does your wife want that sometimes, too?

We have a small townhouse with only three bedrooms and a small living room, and the rest. One of the bedrooms is my husband's "office" which is totally his territory. The spare room is unofficially mine, but I never do anything there except iron clothes. Our main bedroom is sort of my place. With hubby working from home, I sometimes close the door.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 02:56 PM
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I'm glad you're doing that FluffyDinosaur. Does your wife want that sometimes, too?

We have a small townhouse with only three bedrooms and a small living room, and the rest. One of the bedrooms is my husband's "office" which is totally his territory. The spare room is unofficially mine, but I never do anything there except iron clothes. Our main bedroom is sort of my place. With hubby working from home, I sometimes close the door.

She does sometimes, but it's not a life necessity to her like it is to me. She's okay with having some alone time occasionally, whereas I really need to have my own room where I can be alone, or I will go crazy within a day. Even spending an afternoon at a relative's house is nearly too much for me because I can't get away from all the people. For me, having enough alone time is crucial to my stability. Unfortunately it's also one of the hardest things to maintain with kids around. My wife says it would be best for my mental health if I had my own apartment, and I think that's true but it's obviously not possible given that I don't want to abandon my kids.
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