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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:14 PM
  #1
My husband is a busy professional who has no understanding for mental health issues. He believes therapists are fraudulent andvshouldnt get paid. Hence I’m not allowed to see one. He will pay for psychiatry but complains about this.

Last night, he noticed something bothering me. I finally told him I was upset about being labeled bipolar 1 from bipolar 2. He asked why the change and I said I’d had some very delusional thinking. He asked if it was the witch thing and I said yes. He said he’d had a weird feeling about my behavior: witchy clothes and shoes, setting up an alter in my office, believing I was the most powerful witch on the planet, etc.

I thought he was being understanding. After watching a movie downstairs with the kids, he started making fun of me : “go get your mom’s broom (I have a witches broom) so she can ride her broom up the stairs tonight. She is a witch. “. My kids wanted to know what he was talking about. I feel so humiliated.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by busymomof5 View Post
My husband is a busy professional who has no understanding for mental health issues. He believes therapists are fraudulent andvshouldnt get paid. Hence I’m not allowed to see one. He will pay for psychiatry but complains about this.

Last night, he noticed something bothering me. I finally told him I was upset about being labeled bipolar 1 from bipolar 2. He asked why the change and I said I’d had some very delusional thinking. He asked if it was the witch thing and I said yes. He said he’d had a weird feeling about my behavior: witchy clothes and shoes, setting up an alter in my office, believing I was the most powerful witch on the planet, etc.

I thought he was being understanding. After watching a movie downstairs with the kids, he started making fun of me : “go get your mom’s broom (I have a witches broom) so she can ride her broom up the stairs tonight. She is a witch. “. My kids wanted to know what he was talking about. I feel so humiliated.
Hi busymomof5 and welcome to PC's bipolar forum, if I missed welcoming you before.

I'm sorry that your husband is making fun of something so serious as delusions. That clearly reflects his ignorance about mental illness, and a real lack of understanding for your feelings. Has he even tried to learn more about your diagnosis? Has he picked up a book about it? Can you give him a book about it? If he is not willing to learn more, that would seem to be an additional lack of respect for you. You need someone to talk to about your diagnosis. A therapist is definitely a good person for that. Can you tell him that you feel he doesn't listen and that you need someone who does? I am assuming by your screen name that you work hard raising many children. You give to them and to your husband, he needs to give something extra to you, I think.

It concerns me a bit when you write that your husband "doesn't allow" you to see a therapist. Are you meant to be subservient to him? Is that how he views you? I imagine during this tough time, with your many responsibilities at home, that being more empowered is difficult, but I suggest you try a bit. As a married woman, though of course I care about my husband's thoughts and feelings, that doesn't mean I can't have my own and walk my own path, to varying degrees. I can say "no" to him, when I feel it best.

Here are a couple suggestions you can choose to take or leave:

1. Ask your psychiatrist to contact your husband and let him know that therapy is strongly recommended for you. Perhaps your psychiatrist can persuade your husband that therapy is not fraudulent.

2. Stand up for yourself and tell your husband that you plan to see a therapist, and that you will schedule an appointment to see one, regardless of his viewpoint. You are an adult and contribute greatly to the household. You do not need his permission for everything. Granted, if you believe such an empowered declaration would put you at some risk (abuse), perhaps discuss any risk of abuse with your psychiatrist. That's important! In some cases where there is risk of abuse, an abuser does not want the abused/controlled to discuss the issue with anyone else (like a therapist). That's their way of protecting themselves from being held accountable for it and/or losing some control that they want. Of course I don't know if this applies to you at all. If not, please ignore and forgive my bits about abuse. I'm also writing this to possible others out there reading this.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; Jun 30, 2020 at 12:48 PM..
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #3
Thanks for your reply. My husband is in the medical field and has grown more strident over time. We get along well in many ways, but this is not one of them. He is from Germany and when he trained, psychologists were not recognized. They even had to pay for patients to see them during training. He grew up with that. A few years ago, I got a master’s in counseling and we were both blown away by some of the unscientific things I learned. I moved past it. He didn’t.

My husband trusts my psychiatrist and went with me when I was dx with bipolar 2. He asked questions, but he spends so much time reading about medical illness that he won’t make time for bipolar. I will ask my psychiatrist to talk to him.

Another thing he said yesterday is that if I were a car, he’d invoke the lemon law.

I’m not afraid of abuse. I just want him to have compassion.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:54 PM
  #4
I agree. Request that your husband go with you again to an appointment with your psychiatrist. It will be important to let her know in advance what the situation is, and that you'd like to focus on your specific diagnosis.

I have noticed that oftentimes people who don't want a loved one to see a therapist are afraid you will talk with the therapist about your loved one. Furthermore, they often fear that the therapist will "tell" you to leave your relationship.

Your husband needs some education about mental illness. I'm glad you're here, busymomof 5 and I hope you're finding support here

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:58 PM
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Thank you!

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 01:28 PM
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I want you to know that my heart is with you 10,000% and I support you completely in all this.

I will only add to the above that a formal education does nothing for the development of empathy. That comes from the heart, not a big brain. My 'brother, attended all the most famous colleges and law schools, has a son and father with major depression, a grandmother and brother with badass bipolar 1, and he is completely heartless. All he cares about is himself. High IQ, buf funcionally and emotionally, he is a moron. My 12 year-old is way more advanced than he will ever be.

It is June of 20220. Your husband is not in charge of who you see or what you do or your healthcare choices. That is 1500s thinking. I don't give a sh** if he is from Germany, the most advanced nation in Europe by far--by the way. That is a cop out. His lack of caring is his problem, not yours. We support you totally in your recovery.

You need a therapist and a pscyhiatrist. If he stands in the way, there are steps that can be taken. We will support you.

Support and strength!

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 01:57 PM
  #7
I had a hard time going from BP 2 to SzA. My husband didn't understand either. The best way to explain a therapist is to have a neutral party to bounce ideas off of. Can you lengthen the times you see your psychiatrist and use him as a therapist? I agree maybe have the psychiatrist talk to your husband. Tell him it's to help you keep track of your moods and any other information the psychiatrist may need. Like knowing when you need med changes earlier then your scheduled appointment. Are you keeping a mood chart? Mine is on my phone for privacy.

What do your kids know about your mental health? Sounds like they're young. You have to let your husband know it's not okay to talk about your health that way especially in front of the kids. My son knows I have SzA. My son Doesn't know what my symptoms are. Just that If schizophrenia and bipolar had a baby it be scizoaffective and that's what I have. He's 18 though. At 4 he asked why we took medication and it was for a brain boo boo. Then later he asked the real name. Then as he got older the general symptoms but he never asked our specific symptoms. When you get better I'd have an age appropriate conversation with each of them.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 02:23 PM
  #8
I have honestly been using my psychiatrist as a therapist. She helps a lot.

I thought I hid my mental illness from my kids. One of the saddest realizations I’ve made is that I didn’t. Hard to hide periods of despair or weeks filled with immense energy.

Before this past high, I was in a terrible depression. My 21 year old son sat with me telling me all of his favorite memories from his childhood that I gave him. He kept asking me if I remembered all of the trips and adventures. I tried to act perky and he just hugged me and cried. Actual tears. He said I gave him such a joyful life and that I was often so miserable. He said his only wish in his life is for me to be happy. I vowed I would. I cried for an hour after he left.

I guess I am to blame for my family’s lack of respect. Living with someone with mental illness is exhausting.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 02:39 PM
  #9
No, no, no--you are not to blame. You have a brain illness, Busymom. You did not give it to you. As far as current science is known, it is not possible for a person to give themselves bipolar 1. Not possible. You have done a remarkable job under very trying conditions and your son just told you how he feels. I was away from my poor daughter for 5 freaking years because of my illness. It broke her heart in two, because we were literally physically inseparable up until I went there. But you know what? She has learned a lot about bipolar disorder. She does not blame me in the least. Was she sad? Duh. But life is not all candy and roses and we cannot protect our children completely from the vicissitudes of this world. To do so would be a disservice, because they need to know how to deal with adversity.

So, be thankful for your beautiful and special children and carry on. Plenty o fbipolar patients do not even get to see or speak to their kids. You are truly blessed. Make some lemoanade.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!1

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 03:02 PM
  #10
My husband is a Czech and he still has a sister and nephews living there. They have all taken advantage of therapy and appreciate it. You surely know that Czech Republic borders a large portion of Germany. I'm hoping your husband doesn't find Czechs lesser than Germans.

My father-in-law was a psychiatrist and recommended therapists to many of his patients. My husband's older nephew is a psychologist. He helps children and is paid for his work. He definitely doesn't pay his clients. He is a good man and has a good education.

Not all psychologists buy into certain less standard methods and philosophies. Not all psychology programs even promote them. Generalizing that all therapists promote certain non standard therapeutic ideas is totally incorrect. That is not that unlike generalizing or stereotyping, on the whole. You seem to know that. He seems far less in the know and therefore less educated than you on that point. It's true that some therapists use and promote some therapy methods that are spiritual in nature or utilize mindfulness and meditation. Some atheists may be repulsed by that, but many acknowledge its value. The brain is a very interesting organ, and even the most scientific types can accept the value of methods that others might not. As for therapists that use methods that resemble "snake oil", in a sense, they can be avoided.

You are not a lemon of a car. You should not be regarded even as a vehicle for your husband. Does he ride you? Are you a possession?

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 04:05 PM
  #11
Self-blame will get me a pity party table for 1. I do have many blessings to count.

I am not a possession, but I don’t make money. Our deductible is 10k. With the kids needs, we don’t have money for therapy tbh. I don’t think he’s controlling me in the way you think. He pays for my psychiatrist. Also, with covid he got a 12.5% paycut as an essential worker. Some of our costs come from having 2 children with autism. It’s expensive

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 04:49 PM
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Self-blame will get me a pity party table for 1. I do have many blessings to count.

I am not a possession, but I don’t make money. Our deductible is 10k. With the kids needs, we don’t have money for therapy tbh. I don’t think he’s controlling me in the way you think. He pays for my psychiatrist. Also, with covid he got a 12.5% paycut as an essential worker. Some of our costs come from having 2 children with autism. It’s expensive
I'm sorry your husband has had to take a pay cut. Mine has, too. As for me, I am on disability. I don't "make money" anymore either, but I do a whole lot, despite. And I have zero children, unlike you, and will never have any children. I believe both females and males do enjoy careers, and sometimes need them to make ends meet, but that doesn't make those who care for the home and children non-contributors. Your story about your son's love and appreciation that day is a clear communication of the value you have added to his life, and the rest of your family's, despite your mental health struggles. That is heroic, strong behavior. My husband calls me his "treasure" and "všechno/everything". Honestly, he couldn't find another woman that loves him as much as I do. Love IS the greatest treasure.

My sister is the only sibling of mine that had children. She had two boys, and both were diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, plus a rather difficult husband. I understand the challenges they've had.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 05:07 PM
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Self-blame will get me a pity party table for 1. I do have many blessings to count.

I am not a possession, but I don’t make money. Our deductible is 10k. With the kids needs, we don’t have money for therapy tbh. I don’t think he’s controlling me in the way you think. He pays for my psychiatrist. Also, with covid he got a 12.5% paycut as an essential worker. Some of our costs come from having 2 children with autism. It’s expensive
I hear you, busy mom. You shouldl check with your county mental health division and see what options they have for therapy for residents. It may be that there are cheaper options. Is there a psychology graduate school in your area or town? Those grad students must do work in the clinic to get their degrees. Many are very helpful. I went to one when I was a resident at Vanderbilt, she was awesome and it was a lot less expensive. So, check that out. Find out who is training therapists in your area.

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