Bipolar check-in #48

Sorry, vortex. Med change?

I think they are adorable, but I get it.

Feel better, MD!

Had some med changes and I'm back in IOP for a bit. I don't think I'm going to follow through with the med changes. I don't want to sleep 10 hours a day. I don't want to have to put effort into every single task. I don't want to have to deal with side effects. I should just stop all of them.

Had a really rough day at work because COVID sucks. It's my birthday and and it's been a pretty crappy one. Kept making mistakes all day. That's a huge trigger for me. Having some not great thoughts and difficulty working through them. Very anxious. About to take some clonzepam and see if it at least helps with the anxiety.

Feeling really down right now. I cancelled a trip to Gatlinburg to see my daughter because COVID is so bad right now. I can’t afford to get it or to pass it on. I had such a good time in June. It was like we had an apartment together and I’d wake her up for work and make her coffee. We’d have dinner together then hold hands watching the sunset. It was really nice.

I’ll see her before she starts her senior year. I’m just really disappointed right now.

Happy birthday scatter brained : birthday:

Thank you Nammu. Feeling better now talking to my son.

Happy Birthday! It's my birthday too today. We're birthday twins! I hope that your anxiety got better and that you were able to enjoy the day without intrusive thoughts. Sending you birthday vibes!

Happy birthday scatterbrained and swimmingly!

Happy bday, scatter.

Less manic tonight. Slept all day. We shall see where it goes.

So you weren't doing well and you asked for help , and they gave you help but you have zero interest in doing any of it? Are you just going to muddle through daily life like you have been and accept being unstable and not feeling well and/or safe is your new normal?

Just trying to understand

Happy birthday swimmy.

Happy birthday Swimmingly and Scatterbrained!

H@pPy BiRtHd@Y Scatterbrained and Swimmingly! The birthday twins!

Happy Day, swimminator.

Calm here. Still clearly manic. Just being very cautious. No texts or emails. Rode bike but came straight home. Riots just down the street, so not safe anyway. Want to go to protests to show support for gang of moms, but no way. Not like this. I will just get arrested.

Had a good day. Spent it going through my facebook photos and posting them on my flicker. Mostly old pix of the kids. Gotta put them in a folder. But they're up.

I also talked with Caleb. He took a day off work and was very laid back. It was nice.

Talked with my kids about when we can all get together for a photo shoot and lunch. Hard with N2's boyfriend moving and N1 moving also. Im really hoping I can get my camera to do what I want. I haven't had much experience with it. I really enjoy the camera I used for years that is Christopher's but unfortunately he's looking to sell and I can't afford to buy.

I'm really excited about photography again! I asked Christopher if we could take our cameras out but he said not today AND he said he doesn't want his picture taken! He's never said that before! He knows I like taking photos of people!

Bipolar doing well! Its so nice! I look at how I act when unwell and think I'm a different person like bpcyclist was saying.

This morning I saw my pdoc for the last time before he retires from clinical practice. It was a helpful session. He is stopping so suddenly as the recent suicide of one of his patients pushed him into burnout. He wants to spend time with his kids. It is understandable why he is stopping. Also, he has had PTSD from military service in the past. Maybe that makes him more vulnerable. Anyway, I feel for him. He also told me that if I am in a crisis before I am settled with a new psychiatrist that I can contact him for help. This was reassuring as the PTSD has been making itself heard. My pdoc has me scheduled to have a nerve blocker injected into my spin. It seems to kick in the parasympathetic nervous system and calm your central nervous system down. I look forward to it.

My pdoc then helped me to choose a new pdoc. Tomorrow I will go to a GP and request a referral to my (hopefully) new pdoc. Then I can call and get an appointment.

I am in a bit of a rebellious mood for some reason. I feel pretty good considering my situation. At the moment I am sitting on my IKEA rocking chair while covered in two blankets. It is winter in Australia, and I want to save on heating costs. It's not really that cold here. Like a Los Angeles climate. I am listening to music LOUD. I love doing this. I can feel the sound vibrations.

One in the morning and I am jacked outta my flipping mind. I could run to the moon, no problemo. Wanna ride the bike but it is not safe with federal Trump cops here everywhere and my mental state. Maybe I can clean my place or something. No email. No texts. My cable bill is 600 freaking dollars!! How come I can't notice this until it is already full-on. Feel like such a crappy patient. And person.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be very hard. You are far from a crappy patient or person. I think you’re pretty wonderful. Sending hugs and supportive vibes.