Bipolar check-in #48

I believe my anxiety would be worse without the Seroquel. I use diazepam as a PRN but I try to avoid taking it unless I really need it.

On the positive side I haven’t had a panic attack at bedtime for 9 days. I think A combination of prayer, meditation and my weighted blanket is working.

I had a positive day overall. The most important thing is that I got work done. I pretty much worked from 6:30am until 2:30pm with no break, so that was definitely a solid 8 hours.

I am really tired nowadays. I am not sure why. I just keep falling asleep at sometime between 7pm to 8pm in most days, and then I do not wake up until 5:30am or even 6am. Not sure why I am always so tired.

Also, I think it has been 30 days since I have been consistent with my meds. Like, no missed doses for 30 days, and I even happen to take meds 3x a day... so I have taken meds 90 times in a row without missing a single dose. Huh... I think this is my new personal record? Hmmm...

I feel incredibly sick physically right now. Severe muscle aches and a headache and the start of a sore throat and just general tiredness. I’ve only been grocery shopping once a week and have been wiping down groceries and coffees and packages. My moms been all over though including the salon. I’m not feeling sick mentally so I’m alright with my safety tonight.

hugs, IZ!!!!!!!

Yeh, when it gets like this, I gotta take it one thing at a time. You'll get it sorted.

Yeah, all I do is prayer and breathing these days.

Feel better, MD!!!!

@Innerzone: Sorry to hear you had a rough day at work. If you cried it must have been pretty serious. Hope things improve soon!

I am confirmed to be in a mixed episode. My pdoc also went back and showed me from her notes that this happens every year, even the years I think it didn't. So we're doing exactly what has worked every year since I've been on clozapine and increasing my dose by 25 mg for 3 days and lowering my Emsam dose for the same time. Then we'll reassess. I'm not going to start the change until tomorrow because I have to take my cat to the vet tomorrow and the increased clozapine makes me sleep a lot, which is the point. She said I did a good job catching this early and getting to her (although this appointment was set months ago so I didn't have to do anything but I would have because I know my sleep patterns are my mood patterns and I've been very moody for a while. )

My therapist seemed more skeptical and seemed to think I'm just having a hard time because of things going on in my life. He's not wrong but he can't see the mood for himself over the phone. And then I just wanted to apologize for being moody with him and we're working on not apologizing all the time when it is not needed. It was just a weird session with him. I'm feeling messed up about it though because I started crying near the end and because he can't see me he didn't know. I should have told him I suppose but there wasn't time to get into it and I just was done. If I had let the tears really come they wouldn't have stopped.

I just am tired. I hope I sleep tonight. I feel pretty wound up but maybe.

I am in bed hoping to not stay up. Last night I was up till at least 12:30 because the power went out and I didn't want to chance sleeping all night without my cpap. Still messed up sleep. Every night I quiet down at 10 p.m. but can't sleep. But in the morning I wake up and then like today I took my cpap mask off to get up but fell back asleep without it and slept 3 more hours! Why can't I fall asleep like that at 10 p.m.? I do take trazodone but I'm not sure it helps get me to sleep. I know I stopped taking Seroquel almost 6 weeks ago and that's gotta be part of it but I don't want to start it up again. I don't need something that can cause diabetes adding to my already-pre diabetes.

Other than that, the maintenance person hasn't showed up yet to fix my shower and my food stamps are all messed up and my case worker won't call me back to sort it out. *sigh*

I might try my weighted blanket tonight. That's a good idea!

I did have a nice chat with n1 and her girlfriend today. I think they are good for each other.

Great job. Im glad that your able to work and it not be like pulling nails with your teeth like in the past lol

30 days in a row might be a record Regardless I'm glad things are going well

I hope that you can pull out of this Mixed episode ASAP... Mixed to me is the absolute worse !!

Take extra care of yourself and remember to be kind to yourself

Hope tomorrow is a better day and you can get all the things done and out of your way.

As for sleep? When you cant fall asleep until late the best the thing to do is when you wake up just get up and outta bed and do something, Sure you will be tired but it will help you get back onto a better sleep schedule that night , or it might take a few nights, but sleep is a bid deal in Bipolar stability.

Hang in there

I got several things done today so that was nice. Laundry, meds, shower. I called in for support to our warm line. It went well. I don't know where all this loneliness is coming from. I can call tomorrow too. My city will be easing restrictions for COVID-19 even further on Friday. Indoor dining in restaurants is allowed. That's great for me, i love taking myself out to lunch.

Does anybody else find the masks uncomfortable? It feels so soggy and moist and warm and gross. I've tried three now. A disposable, a knit and a woven. I hate all of them. When i was out getting meds i wanted to continue on but the mask was so uncomfortable i came home.

Hugs to all who struggle!

So sorry, Beyond, but at least you have data and a plan now, so that is positive.

If you ever feel up to it, I would be incredibly grateful if you could write down for us what your mixed episodes are actually like--what do you feel, experience, what is it like. I get them a fair bit and I have found them to be quite mysterious and that a lot of professionals just are not really totally familiar wiht them, as your story points out. Anyhow, I would sure appreciate hearing your description of things. Thanks!!!!!!!!

PM me any time, whatever-- I am always up for a chat and am usually around.

I wore a mask for my work forever, Hated it then, hate it now.

I'm happy to do this, just please remind me in a week or so if I forget. Mixed episodes are my most frequent and definitely most painful. In fact my pdoc told me once that they are the hardest thing she has to see people go through.

I won't write more as it is 2:20 AM and I've actually gotten some sleep tonight. Not enough and I still am a dysphoric mess but I don't want to get into something and ignore my body telling me to sleep. (Which I definitely do).

Thanks guys. Alas, the work day did not improve, and I ended up crying a second round (over a different thing). Never cried there, then twice in a day. I rarely cry. Fortunately, I have a couple days off.

AND then I went and inadvertently re-injured a tendon(?) in my leg, which makes normal walking painful.

It was NOT a good day. But after work, someone was kind enough to bring some food and hang out with me. It was very comforting.

Today it's a trip to the Dr. (IRL, not virtual) and the pharmacy. It'll be a pain getting around, but then I'll be lying low the rest of the day.

Lots of hugs for everyone struggling.

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Whatever, yeah, I hate wearing masks too (but do, because it's not about me, like anti-maskers try to make it). It's especially hard at work because it is such a long stretch of time. It's like my face is stuck in a sauna, I already run hot and I don't do at all well with heat.

Wildflowerchild, sorry you have so many things happening at once. Taking them one at a time, you'll get through. You're a strong lady.

BeyondtheRainbow, I hope your mixed episode ends soon. They're so awful.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

since I left home, I’ve lost 8lbs. I’m not overweight but I’m definitely not in my ideal weight zone. I’m a lot closer now. I guess good comes from living in your car and barely eating. Haha.

Work was rough last night. The good news is I’m 100% capable of this job. It’s not the job that’s the problem, or the walking, it’s the massive size of the building and how I get turned around so easy and panic. I got lost yesterday and had a panic attack. I was so disoriented I didn’t even recognize the aisle signs. I didn’t handle it well, but when I finally found someone to help I went to our trainer and asked for help with some guides to get me to the break room and main entrance. Verbally I can’t follow directions, that whole “go north and take a left” crap just doesn’t register. It’s one of my biggest flaws. I make the joke it’s hilarious I have a masters degree in education no less and I can’t read a damn map or follow directions”. It’s more of a pitiful statement than a joke. Lol

I felt better after having a “cheat sheet” of where to find specific sets of stairs and a path I can follow everyday. It really helped. I’m not used to 10 hr shifts so that last bit drags along, but I get it done. This is day 3/4!!! I’ve walked 17mi in two days. I’m gonna be so fit. Lol

I’m just happy things are looking up for me. I have a job that doesn’t stress me out, I have a roof over my head, food to eat and time to take care of myself and see my new therapist and psychiatrist. Everything is OK right now; and I feel so good about it.

Seeing the psychiatrist today — let’s see how that goes.

I don’t feel sick physically right now. Like I don’t have typical covid symptoms at the moment. I just feel a bit off and my back is still in pain. I don’t have much of an appetite now either. Which may be the antibiotics I’m on. I also do think Geodon can cause loss of appetite? But I think my Geodon really is working for my moods and anxiety which is good. But the exhaustion which is what I was worried about when increasing it has been an issue. It caused me to sleep this morning until almost 9:30. But I guess since I’m not working right now it doesn’t matter.