Bipolar check-in #48

Just found out my therapist, whom I usually see twice per week, won't be back next week either. She's been out, sick with asthma, for July. She has vacation scheduled for a week in mid-August. Bet she won't return until September. I'm just...angry, frustrated, sad. Last time she did this, she was out for 3 months and I ended up IP. I sound awful, I know. Compassionless. She's a wonderful woman with some serious lung problems, and is 69 years old.

I'm tempted to just say fu*k all, cancel all my pre-scheduled appointments and say, See ya in October. I am so fried from the "She'll be back in a few days" every 4th day.

They said I could see another therapist for now, but I'm very close to her and don't plan on seeing anyone else for the foreseeable future, if ever.

I won't be able to drive for at least 2 more months (surgery), damned virus is everywhere...ugh, I'm just so fed up.

The world is too damn loud !

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina The world is too damn loud !

Got that right

It's 2:40 AM and I can't stop crying. Something made me think too much about my Charlie cat and I just lost it. I'm terrified of what this will be like in a matter of months when I have to lose a human if this is what it feels like to lose a cat.

I can't stop thinking of his last moments. His last 30 minutes really. There's nothing I could have done. He was dying and if we'd had an emergency vet they would have suggested euthanasia anyway I think. I just wish that it hadn't been the way it was.

I even know deep in my heart that he is happier now. He was on meds most of his life and even though I paid to have them compounded into much smaller doses he hated med time. In recent months I wasn't getting much into him most night. He just spit it out. It wasn't a happy thing and every day I felt guilty forcing him to take it. I just wish he were happier and off meds and HERE. We tried to wean meds in June and it didn't work and I think started the downward spiral.

This is so long. I'm sorry. I just need to "talk" and hope it helps the tears. I took my PRN gabapentin and am allowed PRN klonopin if I want it. I just don't want to go back up on that; getting off has been so slow because stressful things keep happening.

Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry you're crying. I know how much Charlie meant to you.

You did everything you humanly could to make him comfortable and you were an amazing mom to him. Wherever he is now, I'm sure he is forever grateful for you being in his life and taking care of him in his darkest days, as well as for loving him unconditionally.

I'm sorry you're going to lose someone else as well. I know that feeling when someone is given X many months to live. It's really difficult to go through.

yeah, definitely!

you're going through a lot, so I can only imagine....

Sorry to hear that, Beth. It's frustrating when you set up appointments and then the doctor/therapist/whomever cancels on you. I can't say I've had that many cancellations in a row, but it does suck.

This is just my opinion, but if you're ever in a crisis and it gets to the point you may need IP, I think it's worth trying another therapist at least temporarily, if that's what helps you avoid IP. If you don't like him/her, you can always decide you don't want to see him/her again. In my case, having someone just listen to me and let me get my feelings off my chest really makes me feel better. But obviously everyone is different and you shouldn't ever feel pressured to see another therapist. Just thought I'd mention that.

I am sorry 4 ur anguish, Rainbow. My heart is w u.

U r a loving and sweet and an empathy Olympian. U r hurtin so bcuz u r such an elite human. If u didn't suffer in such situations, u wld not b u. And it is so hard.

U were there with and 4 Charlie.He knew and knows that. He is in kitty heaven now. U were so gd to him.

My grandfather is my hero. He died in 2000 at the age of 98. Rancher. Incredible human. I still hurt, of course, but where I am now is just grateful I had the tresure of the time I had w him. What a gift.

Hang in there. U will make it. God or whatever u trust in will take care of u and comfort u. And so will we.

Hugs

Slept 4 and a-half hrs straight. A gift. To me, it seemed lime maybe 16 hrs. Weird. I am weird.

Not psychotic or manic at all. Grateful. Sleep is so huge 4 me.

Gonna go ride for 90 mins. Totally do not want to get out of my chair, but exercise helps my depression. Forcing myself.

Love and hugs.

What you're experiencing is so understandable. It is just horrible when a beloved pet passes away. I had to cope with the loss of two within a three year period. My second was far too young. I think about them, especially the baby boy, every day of the week. There is a significant presence missing in my home.

I've had uncomfortable disrupted sleep two nights in a row. I woke up with my heart racing. I have also had a soreness in my left shoulder for no known reason. Of course then I immediately start worrying about my heart, which is likely irrational. I have had the same type of worries, off and on, since I was 14 years old. I suppose if my heart was that bad, I would have kicked the bucket decades ago. I always try to remind myself of that. So I took an Ativan after both "episodes" and it worked like a charm, predictably. Surely just anxiety in my sleep. I even had my husband listen to my heart, and he said it sounded fine. When I finally got up in the morning, my whole body ached a little. Who knows.

It looks lovely outside, but at the moment I feel a mild malaise. I hope that changes. It has been cooler outside lately. Probably because of some big rain storms.

At this moment, I have no excitement about anything. A trip we have planned may not happen, or only my husband will go. Or the itinerary will be cut down. My husband's brother is so ill that he may die this year. He wants to visit him, possibly for the last time. He visited an old work colleague at the hospital who is likely dying. That poor man had brain surgeries, then went into coma and had multiple organs fail, and both feet and a hand amputated. While in coma, his wife unexpectedly died. He can barely speak. He wrote a text asking for salmon mousse and liver páté. I bought the latter and made the former from a recipe. I fear it was a "goodbye" visit request, something I believe my nephew had with me years back, before he died from bipolar depression. My husband and I have our own doctors appointments coming up. I have to have a uterine biopsy, though the gyn doesn't think it's cancer. Still, I wish it was over with. As for my dad, I wish I could imagine him as he was 15 years ago, and make believe he is on a prolonged fishing trip in upstate PA or Alaska. Sometimes I try to imagine my nephew just being away at university. The worst is the void caused by my mother's death. I can't manage to ease that at all. She was always present during her life.

There is an eerie sense of death in the air. The pandemic obviously exacerbates this, literally and figuratively.

Thank you so much Christine. The family is rallying around each other and I am taking stock of who is left in the family that I can love.

Thank you. I had no idea of this when I flipped out on her, but I do know one thing. I won't be seeing her much longer. Wife and I have decided with all my stress right now I need a better support system. The search goes on.

Hi everyone,
I haven’t been to sleep yet. I am tired but I close my eyes and sleep just doesn’t come. My psychiatrist told me I can take the remaining seroquel to help me sleep, but the dosage I took didn’t make me tired and I don’t wanna play around with it. It’s more a mix of my schedule and wacky sleep patterns than anything else, although my mind is restless.

The blurred vision from the new meds is a little worse today than yesterday. It only bothers me when I try to read. Luckily it wears off after about 12 hours and I can see again. (I have been logging time that passes after taking my meds — no real reason behind it; I guess just to have record of when side effects hit after taking the medicine). The blurred vision comes at night when i take the two new meds so it’s not that big of a deal.

I know I’m depressed and it’s hit hard and fast. I’ve been skipping work, lying in bed and not moving and definitely keeping to myself. I can’t afford to keep on like this so Sunday I go back to work, even though I feel like this. I’ve had my days to just rest and be alone...honestly it’s all I want to continue to do but I have to have money, if for nothing else to pay to stay here.

I don’t do anything during the day. I try to sleep, read the forum, maybe watch a little YouTube... that’s it. I have plenty I could be doing , both fun and necessary crap, but I just can’t find the energy to do it. I feel like I live in a state of depression. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my patterns and “warning signs”. You know, I know it sounds irresponsible and it is, but I just realized I’ve done a lot more stuff while hypomanic than I realized. I’ve recognized the big stuff like spontaneously flying to another country with no plan, for example. But The most recent stint while off my meds because I couldn’t afford them at the time I decided I wanted to be closer to God. For about two weeks I found myself obsessed with learning Ecclesiastical Latin and biblical Greek, I bought a $500 software program that is intended mainly for theology students and scholars, made a very demanding prayer schedule and bible reading guide and the catechism. Started at least 6 books on Christianity, downloaded multiple ebooks on the topic, looked into getting a second masters in catechetical studies from Steubenville, watched EWTN daily, downloaded multiple apps for prayers and resources, even would bathe with my phone so I could continue studying and within two weeks time, I just stopped caring about it: it wasn’t that important anymore. I was out $500 and almost got a loan to get another degree I would never even be able to use... this must be what my therapist is seeing that I’m apparently oblivious to until now. It’s that behavior that until now seemed harmless and as I don’t have anyone close to me, no one to tell me I’m being crazy. Just a revelation.

I’m being long winded, I know. I’m sorry for that— sometimes it’s hard for me to dial it back. The monologue in my head never ceases haha. My point was even though I stay depressed and I definitely recognize those symptoms and seek help for them; the hypomanic stuff I really can be blind to. I know that’s common; who seeks help when they feel good? Without delusions or hallucinations it’s not a bad ride. Except when the ride ends.

I guess I’m saying I need to track my patterns better and use my mood chart that I created personally and used for like a week. I’m really bad about starting something and not finishing it. Or spending good money on things I may not pick up again. It reminds me of a lyric in a song

“I don’t buy everything I read....I haven’t even read everything I’ve bought.”

Haha

Anyway, so a mini goal for me is to be better at tracking my mood and trying to stay on course with meds. Being depressed is gonna really make that hard. Keeping appointments, going to work, pushing through— they’re not options. I may hate every day I experience from now until kingdom come but I have to do it.

I won’t feel this way forever— I just hope the change happens sooner than later.

I totally relate to every single thing u said. My bp was congenital. I was hypo and depressed as a toddler toggling back and forth until one day, at age 40, I decided I was Jesus and Nicole Kidman was in love w me. Without getting into any confidentiality issues, I really don't know her. First-ever full mania, with psychosis--as usual 4 me.

It is an underappreciated phenomenon that loss of insight may occur b4 you conclude u r the president. This fact is why I am constantly saying mania is a psychiatric emergency. I almost flew to Beijing 6 mos ago to meet a 29 yr-old I met online. Smart and beautiful. But I am 56 and have zero interest in romance. I had plenty as a youngster. Totally hypo and no idea.
I live alone and rely heavily on you guys to tell me when u see something. It helps enormously.

Hang in there.

Hugs and love.

@bpcyclist: I noticed your writing style has changed. You are using texting abbreviations a lot. "U" for you, "r" for are. It makes you sound quite different. Is this a sign of something? Have you noticed it yourself? To be clear, it doesn't bother me. I'm just making an observation.

I feel ok so far today. It’s still pretty early. I slept pretty good last night. I was up for a bit though. I had Snapple instead of Mountain Dew though so it wasn’t terrible getting back to sleep. I slept in past 8 this morning. I don’t feel that anxious so maybe going off the Wellbutrin was a good idea. I have no idea how to tell my therapist and doctor though. I kind of just want to say that my anxiety was so out of control I needed to do something quickly so I just went off it and now I feel a lot better so I think going off the Wellbutrin and the increase in Geodon is what I needed. I still don’t think my doctor will be happy. But at least we kind of had an answer about why my anxiety was so bad.

Istill don’t feel right. I took seroquel on Thursday night at around midnight and ended up sleeping until 3pm Friday. I do not like that my only options are not sleep well for days on end or sleep the entire night and day. I was still groggy when I decided to get up. I couldn’t put the rent check in because I didn’t feel safe enough to drive to the bank. I fell easily back to sleep last night at 9:30 and slept until 9:30 this morning. I still don’t feel right.

I think I just have to adjust back to the lamictal. I’m very foggy headed. And slightly dizzy. I tried to go on a hike with RS and my son but only made it a half mile before we had to turn back. I was short of breath and lightheaded. I am indeed out of shape and obese but we’ve been hiking all summer and I’ve never had a problem.

I guess I just have to wait for my body to adjust to the medication again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow It's 2:40 AM and I can't stop crying. Something made me think too much about my Charlie cat and I just lost it. I'm terrified of what this will be like in a matter of months when I have to lose a human if this is what it feels like to lose a cat. I can't stop thinking of his last moments. His last 30 minutes really. There's nothing I could have done. He was dying and if we'd had an emergency vet they would have suggested euthanasia anyway I think. I just wish that it hadn't been the way it was. I even know deep in my heart that he is happier now. He was on meds most of his life and even though I paid to have them compounded into much smaller doses he hated med time. In recent months I wasn't getting much into him most night. He just spit it out. It wasn't a happy thing and every day I felt guilty forcing him to take it. I just wish he were happier and off meds and HERE. We tried to wean meds in June and it didn't work and I think started the downward spiral. This is so long. I'm sorry. I just need to "talk" and hope it helps the tears. I took my PRN gabapentin and am allowed PRN klonopin if I want it. I just don't want to go back up on that; getting off has been so slow because stressful things keep happening. Thanks for listening.

It's been my experience that losing a cat can be much more painful than losing a human.

So sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. The heart sensations must be very uncomfortable. You have a lot going on and a lot to process. The body always plays a huge role in that. I hope you are able to find time today to just relax as fully as possible. Maybe even a good hearty laugh at something to release some of the pressure. Sending support your way!