advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
neodk
New Member
neodk has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Illinois
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 09:56 AM
  #1
Returning to the forums after a long hiatus. I originally left because my wife had discovered what I had been posting using a unique username. I don't know if she has a Google alert for 'neodk' or what, but at this point I feel it doesn't matter anymore so I am back with this login.

Maybe it was the pandemic which was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was the fact that I had found myself in an endless loop of "who am I really and why am I here" and "is this really it". Maybe it's the fact that nothing brings me pure joy anymore. I have struggled the past several months with crippling depression over these points. I now find myself at what I feel is a fork in the road. Maybe I was always here, though, and I'm just now feeling that overwhelming urge to "decide" if I want to do anything about it or just tow the line and muddle through life as horridly as I see it.

I feel as if all of my life is and has been a lie. I don't think I have conversations anymore, those with just myself included, where I tell the whole truth. I want to speak the truth, my truth, and unload years of repressed feelings. I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid that once I do unload this mental baggage that everything I've accumulated, good and bad, will cease to be.

My kids are at "good ages" should the proverbial feces hit the fan if I decide to open up my life for full scrutiny. I don't expect things to remain in good standing. I'll lose my marriage, my family, my career. Fortunately I don't have many friends so that's a win, right?

I haven't been religiously taking my medications as I should. Actually I hate the term religiously/religion/all things that have to do with it. I don't believe in "god" despite being baptized after the birth of my daughter. As for my medication, I didn't realize how bad it was until I went to consolidate pill bottles and saw that I had just about enough pills to last me an additional 90 days on top of the newly received 90-day supply. It's like for three months I didn't take any meds, but I know that isn't right because I had leftovers from the previous scripts.

I'm tempted to walk out of the office right now and just drive. Where? I don't know. Far enough away that I can't easily make it back. Far enough that the tank is empty and there isn't a gas station for miles. I know in my solitude I would be tempted to submit to my thoughts and feelings. But frankly, I don't care. I just know now that if I continue the way things are, they will continually get worse and will not get better. If I choose to open up, everything will be over. Should I just grin and bear it? Should I just let the prevailing voice in my head to be heard for once?

These are questions I don't have answers to. I don't think there are any easy answers or ones that will come with fewer consequences than the other. This is where I think about looking to find the reset button on the video game console that my life plays out on. No, not the power button. I don't want that. No, I want to reset and start over. But I can't.

Last edited by CANDC; Jul 06, 2020 at 12:10 PM.. Reason: Remove info about other member - methods
neodk is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, Innerzone, Nammu, sadp8r, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jul 06, 2020 at 02:18 PM
  #2
Welcome back to PC! I'm sorry you are in the midst of such a difficult struggle. You didn't mention specifically what this is all about. But, toward the end of your post, you wrote: "I just know now that if I continue the way things are, they will continually get worse and will not get better. If I choose to open up, everything will be over. Should I just grin and bear it? Should I just let the prevailing voice in my head to be heard for once?"

What I can tell you is that I'm an old man who has struggled with my gender identity (along with some other stuff I won't mention) since I was a very young child. Most of the few memories I have of my childhood revolve around this. But I was born at a time, & in a place, where no one had ever heard of such a thing as gender dysphoria (at least not that I was ever aware of.) And even if they had been aware of it such things simply were not discussed way back then.

Somehow I learned at a very early age that there were things about myself I must never tell anyone. And so I kept them a closely guarded secret literally for decades. A bit of it did come spilling awkwardly out around a dozen or so years ago as a result of my second major suicide attempt. But although I did partially tumble out of the closet in a big way briefly I found no one really wanted to know anything about it. So I soon dove back into the closet & closed the door. I'm still there.

Ultimately, what my life has taught me (whether right or wrong) is that no one really cares about you but yourself. All they really care about is that you fulfill the role you play in their lives. If you take steps to break out of that role, they'll stick with you for a short time, or perhaps a longer time, just depending on how important a person you are to them. But, either way, there's a limit.

So I guess what I have to say is you have to make a decision regarding what's best for you & what you can tolerate. In my case, I've managed to live a lifetime in hiding so to speak. But it has taken a terrible toll both on myself but also on other people who deserved infinitely better from me than they received. Nowadays I just "pray" for death because that's all there is left for me & I'm ready to go any time. That's how one's story ends when one has spent a lifetime living a lie.

So perhaps the question for you comes down to can you spend the rest of your life living whatever the lie is you've been living? If you can do that, & continue to play the role in your family's life they assume you'll always be there to play, that's certainly wonderful. (And in fact maybe there are people who can do that successfully. I couldn't.) But only you know if you have the strength to do that & make it work. In my case, it has been (& remains) a struggle that has eaten me from the inside out until there is simple nothing left to salvage at this point.

So that's what I can offer you in terms of my personal (obviously warped) perspective on the subject of living a lie. Hopefully something I've shared here will be of some small help to you as you strive to come to a decision regarding how to proceed. My best wishes to you...

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)

Last edited by Skeezyks; Jul 06, 2020 at 03:36 PM..
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, TunedOut
bpcyclist
Legendary
 
bpcyclist's Avatar
bpcyclist has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Portland
Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
40.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 03:08 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by neodk View Post
Returning to the forums after a long hiatus. I originally left because my wife had discovered what I had been posting using a unique username. I don't know if she has a Google alert for 'neodk' or what, but at this point I feel it doesn't matter anymore so I am back with this login.

Maybe it was the pandemic which was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was the fact that I had found myself in an endless loop of "who am I really and why am I here" and "is this really it". Maybe it's the fact that nothing brings me pure joy anymore. I have struggled the past several months with crippling depression over these points. I now find myself at what I feel is a fork in the road. Maybe I was always here, though, and I'm just now feeling that overwhelming urge to "decide" if I want to do anything about it or just tow the line and muddle through life as horridly as I see it.

I feel as if all of my life is and has been a lie. I don't think I have conversations anymore, those with just myself included, where I tell the whole truth. I want to speak the truth, my truth, and unload years of repressed feelings. I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid that once I do unload this mental baggage that everything I've accumulated, good and bad, will cease to be.

My kids are at "good ages" should the proverbial feces hit the fan if I decide to open up my life for full scrutiny. I don't expect things to remain in good standing. I'll lose my marriage, my family, my career. Fortunately I don't have many friends so that's a win, right?

I haven't been religiously taking my medications as I should. Actually I hate the term religiously/religion/all things that have to do with it. I don't believe in "god" despite being baptized after the birth of my daughter. As for my medication, I didn't realize how bad it was until I went to consolidate pill bottles and saw that I had just about enough pills to last me an additional 90 days on top of the newly received 90-day supply. It's like for three months I didn't take any meds, but I know that isn't right because I had leftovers from the previous scripts.

I'm tempted to walk out of the office right now and just drive. Where? I don't know. Far enough away that I can't easily make it back. Far enough that the tank is empty and there isn't a gas station for miles. I know in my solitude I would be tempted to submit to my thoughts and feelings. But frankly, I don't care. I just know now that if I continue the way things are, they will continually get worse and will not get better. If I choose to open up, everything will be over. Should I just grin and bear it? Should I just let the prevailing voice in my head to be heard for once?

These are questions I don't have answers to. I don't think there are any easy answers or ones that will come with fewer consequences than the other. This is where I think about looking to find the reset button on the video game console that my life plays out on. No, not the power button. I don't want that. No, I want to reset and start over. But I can't.
Sorry you are struggling, neo.. Do you have a therapist? A good place to unload this sorta stuff. No idea what these demons are. but we all have our own. All of us. You are not alone in this regard.

I do tend to agree with the AA maxim that our secrets keep us sick. Talk to someone. Bet you'll feel better.

__________________
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
bpcyclist is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, Skeezyks, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TunedOut
neodk
New Member
neodk has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Illinois
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 03:13 PM
  #4
Thank you for your candor, Skeezyks.

I wholeheartedly believe that the biggest lie I've ever told myself is that I'm worth it, that I am important to someone, and they would love me unconditionally. I cannot say that about my family, my friends, and my co-workers alike. For years my father would just give me things instead of the time and attention I desperately needed but didn't comprehend until it was too late. I took advantage of friendships and let people down. Instead of being honest with myself (and others) I put people through more hurt than what was necessary. I've lost really close connections over the last twenty years because of my sheer stupidity. Being honest doesn't appear to be in my DNA at all.

What do say or what do you do when pretty much everything you have said about your life up to this point in time has been manifestations of lies, some of which were years in the making?
neodk is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341
busymomof5
Member
 
busymomof5's Avatar
busymomof5 Former Member
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 138
5 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 09:37 PM
  #5
I was in a similar place a few months ago, and yes I do think covid has made things worse. I think taking the mess as prescribed might help. When I'm not compliant, I do worse. Is there a reason you've not been as compliant?

Can you talk to a therapist? I found help through the app 7cups and the crisis text line 741741

What is bothering you the most right now?

__________________
I’m
busymomof5 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, TunedOut
Nammu
Crone
 
Nammu's Avatar
Nammu has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 70,974 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
53.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 11:14 PM
  #6
Welcome back. No wise words from me but I sincerely hope you find answers.

__________________
Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



Nammu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, TunedOut
DechanDawa
Grand Magnate
DechanDawa LEAVING
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
8 yr Member
1,043 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 06, 2020 at 11:41 PM
  #7
Wow, this is an interesting thread. I agree with Skeez. I think people want to keep us in the roles that make them feel the most comfortable. I don't think authenticity is very high on people's lists. Everyone wants things to be satisfactorily managed.

But now hell has broke loose all over the world. People are demanding more authenticity.

It is hard not to be personally affected.

During this time I have distanced or outright estranged myself from people who want to keep me "managed" by assigning me traits, or roles that are not relevant.


Unfortunately (or fortunately!) I have aligned myself with some YouTube outliers who engage in leading lives that are as close to authentic as they can get. They are not involved with the protests or anything political...but following one's own path can actually be a real challenge and also very political.

When I was young I didn't give a crap what anyone thought...and I had fun, followed my dreams, traveled, and led a very creative life.

Now I am on the other side of life. I am older...as old as Skeez almost...but I refuse to let it define me. Well, I am only now in the process of breaking out. I hate ageism. And now with Covid19 I am being more rigidly defined.

Something must be done about this.

I am not the old goddess I want to be. I have a vision but stepping into that vision is not easy.


I have spent four years torturing myself, head banging, and being very unhappy. I can't do it anymore. I literally cannot do it anymore.

I don't have advice for you on your path. Just saying...you are not alone.

__________________

DechanDawa is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, TunedOut
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:57 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by neodk View Post
I feel as if all of my life is and has been a lie. I don't think I have conversations anymore, those with just myself included, where I tell the whole truth. I want to speak the truth, my truth, and unload years of repressed feelings. I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid that once I do unload this mental baggage that everything I've accumulated, good and bad, will cease to be.

I'll lose my marriage, my family, my career. Fortunately I don't have many friends so that's a win, right?

I don't know what you repressed so I do not know if you should unload your troubles to your family and the people you work with but I do agree you need to talk to someone. Family, friend, therapist, psychiatrist, the PC community? For me, when I didn't talk openly about some of the things troubling me, there was a mental illness issue involved. One of my medications helped enable me to talk about the issue more rationally. It is important to discuss what is bothering us and be truthful with our spouses and those who are treating our mental illness (I assume you may have one because you are posting here) but we are more likely to have healing conversations if we get ourselves into a stable frame of mind. I have experienced paranoia in the past. I needed to "come clean" with my spouse about my fears about him but was only able to successfully do that after my medications brought me out of the panic and fear that was playing tricks on my mind. However, talking openly to my spouse was so, so important! Marriage has little meaning if you can't be open to each other. However, I can get into frames of mind where my conversations are quite unproductive. I have slowly begun to learn when the problem is me. However, sometimes the problem is them and when I am rationale, it is easy for me to see when the problem is them or me. One of my past problems was confusing my emotions and problems with the emotions and problems of others. We all have problems!

I don't know if any of this made sense or is helpful. Just putting it out there in case something applies.
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, bpcyclist
 
Thanks for this!
bpcyclist, Nammu, neodk
neodk
New Member
neodk has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Illinois
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
Default Jul 07, 2020 at 08:00 AM
  #9
Skeezyks, and anyone else who was helpful in sharing their own similar circumstances, thank you for your candor.
neodk is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous46341, Fuzzybear, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks, TunedOut
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 07, 2020 at 12:55 PM
  #10
I’m sending hugs

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43372
Guest
Anonymous43372 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jul 07, 2020 at 01:14 PM
  #11
neodk welcome back to PC.

I can share similar circumstances with you here, although I am not married with children. But, I too, have asked the same questions that you have. Not just recently, but since I was in my teens and I'm 49 now.

I too, have kept my "truth" hidden about who I am, for so long, I feel disconnected now, to my true self. It's an unpleasant place to be. As a result of denying my true self, I've wasted 30 years not pursuing goals and dreams and opportunities that I"ll never have access to again, or now. So, my advice to you is: stop hiding from your true self right now. If it's a career change, a gender change, whatever it is. Before it's too late. Before you cross the point of no return and lose the ability to pursue the goals and dreams and opportunities you once had. I can't.

It's like writer Catherine Aird once wrote, "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." Let me be that horrible warning to you. Do not end up like me. Someone who gave up on herself 30 years ago. And there's nothing I can do about it now. You don't want to become that person. Believe me.
l
I don't know you like the others do at PC or why you're on medications.

I am unfortunately, estranged from my entire family which happened gradually over the years. How is your marriage? Does your wife support you going off of your medications? Does she know?

What "truths" are you hiding from your wife and children? From your extended family and friends?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jul 07, 2020 at 01:38 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by neodk View Post
Thank you for your candor, Skeezyks.

I wholeheartedly believe that the biggest lie I've ever told myself is that I'm worth it, that I am important to someone, and they would love me unconditionally. I cannot say that about my family, my friends, and my co-workers alike. For years my father would just give me things instead of the time and attention I desperately needed but didn't comprehend until it was too late. I took advantage of friendships and let people down. Instead of being honest with myself (and others) I put people through more hurt than what was necessary. I've lost really close connections over the last twenty years because of my sheer stupidity. Being honest doesn't appear to be in my DNA at all.

What do say or what do you do when pretty much everything you have said about your life up to this point in time has been manifestations of lies, some of which were years in the making?
Well... this is not really all that different from the situation transgender people sometimes find themselves in. We've hidden our true selves for years & said & done what we thought "the world" wanted to hear & see from us. Believe me, over the years starting when I was very young, I became really good at hiding my true self. Even now at this late stage of my life, if I don't have a few secrets stuffed in my hip pocket, so to speak, (and I do) I feel as if something is missing.

In the transgender world, when one finally decides enough-is-enough & it's time to "come out" one simply has to accept there are some people (friends & family in particular) who will be accepting. And there are some who won't. The ones who are accepting are the trans person's true friends & family. The ones who are rejecting are not & they go by the wayside. But, in the process, the trans person also finds new friends who are more than happy to accept them for who they truly are. And what a joy that can be.

So I think the answer here, if you can do it, may simply be to "rip the Band-Aid off" as it is sometimes said. Perhaps begin working with a therapist, if you're not already doing so. And just start figuring out how to be honest. I can't tell you how to go about that specifically because I don't know the details of your situation. But a good therapist should be able to help you figure that process out. Apologize to people you've hurt where you can. Those you've simply lost, let it go. It's history.

You mentioned your father giving you things instead of his time & attention. One concept you might look into, if you're not already familiar with it, is that of "childhood emotional neglect". There's a forum here on PC on the subject. I presume you've seen it. Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject (there are lots more):

Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw

Invisible, Powerful Childhood Emotional Neglect

7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect

The Emotional Neglect Questionnaire


__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
neodk
New Member
neodk has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Illinois
Posts: 7
3 yr Member
Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:14 PM
  #13
I tried talking to free "listeners" on 7cups but I must have scared off half a dozen people so I just gave up on it. I don't know if I can condense everything that is wrong into short, half-hour/hour long sessions without feeling as if I haven't even moved a pebble off my shoulder.
neodk is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:46 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.