Help and Support From My Peeps

TRIGGER WARNING--S AND ABUSE

Hey, gang. Need help w a symptom I have suffered over the last 15 years. Long story, try 2 kp it shrt.
dj
First 4 context, we now believe I have a congenital neurodevelopmental disorder comprised of congenital, childhood onset bp 1, seizures, 6th and 7th cranial nerve palsies, congenital left eye blindness, and bad scoliosis w a nasal deformity. It does not have a name yet.

As some know, my bp was depression-dominant until 2005, age 40. When I suddenly became manic and psychotic. I remained manic and psychotic 4 the next 2 yrs despite aggressive measures and mult IP stays. My main manic-psych sx's were: xtreme euphoria, deciding I was Jesus and the president, trying to buy 6 companies in my industry 4 a billion dollars, xtreme agitation, rage, believing movies were made expressly about me, chasing old flames when my loving partner was pregnant, flt of ideas, days w-o sleep, deciding I was the smartest person on earth, fast speech, etc.

Very early on, my first nt of mania, a holographic flat panel screen appeared floating in space while meditating. First it was fuzzy, then, in faded a static image of my wife. At the same time, certain information appeared in my consciousness, like a download or something. No words or voices. The information was the most definitive, certain data I had ever received about anything in my life. It said: You will be divorced. Nothing can alter this. It is already done.

Tho I was rocked and did not know from whom this had come, It was clear it was already done. The most certain thing I had ever been told, bar none. It was Absolute. Marriage at the time was very happy and solid. Exactly 2 yrs later she filed and we were divorced.

I had a a whole series of these "visions," all w different content. They were: there will be a life-threatening car crash w injuries; you will be held against your will on two separate occasions, one brief. One very long. Probably prison or sthing similar. The 2nd of these wld occur because of my religious faith. It said. Another showed a gorgeous blond woman walking dwn an elegant mahogany floating stairway in a lovely apt in our Pearl District w shrt bld hair, tall, thin. Bla ck iron railings. The woman was tall and thin. She wld love me. We wld live in that home. This one was delivered the same nt I learned of the divorce. One final one said, even tho I wld be locked up, in the end, everything wld be okay and happy after much pain and trial. I wld write a bk about it and it wld be successful. Finally, the source revealed itself to me very quietly and briefly: zero question: this was all coming from God. Did not ever say why.

I stopped driving and tried 2 make wife happy. Tried to avoid police, easy, as I have never even had a speeding tkt. Contd 2 try 2 be good Christian. Over nxt 2 yrs, i met a woman. The exact one frm the vision. Not close, her. One day, she went out to find us a place. No discussion. It contained the exact stairwell frm the vision. Not close. It. In the Pearl, where I had no desire to live and really had never been.

Somehow, 2 yrs later, was driving again. Huge crash w injuries. As it happened, the car and road disappeared, replaced w a bright white tunnel. Most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I survived 60 mph into concrete wall.

I spent 3 days in jail, charged w assault and faced 7 yrs in the pen. Reason 4 charge is that, when cop interviewed me, I was psychotic. Told him it was God's will, which it clearly was. Cld have likely avoided charges had I lied about God. Not option 2 sell out God ever. I was following His command. They say this meant I intended to harm the other person. Spent 5 yrs state hospital.

No vizns since 07. 6 days ago, had one about past, not future. Tells me I was sexually abused by nanny age 2.

Thoughts for me?

THNX!!!!

I'm not going to claim to know how time and anyone's ability to view it works. There have been reports of many throughout history who have been known to see the future. Did you? It sounds that way. I can never know, so I'll take you on your word.

As for the source of the vision, how can you really know? My thought is to search your soul and ask yourself if you want to proceed before doing anything. If your soul feels it is wrong, it is. Could you have been working with a God impersonator? I struggle to believe in an omniscient being who develops a strategy that places you on the path you went down. Of course I'm not omniscient but it doesn't seemed to have served your best interests.

The source of my being has no commands. There is only the law and it is what it is. You can't go around it, you can only work with it. We are all one. That's it. The laws of physics follow this law. The laws of mathematics follow this law. The laws of nature follow this law. Only man who invented religion, business, etc deviates and attempts to ignore and bypass the law.

Lets say for kicks your seizures affect your temporal lobe. It has been shown when the temporal lobe is stimulated electrically people are suddenly mystical or spiritual. They have visions. They have severe personality shifts. The psychosis portion of your experience could be due to lesions or other damage there. I'm not saying you didn't speak with God, but we filter every piece of information that comes in. We are biased beings. Our data is incomplete. There is much we do not and cannot know. There have also been many Gods and God impersonators throughout history. Rationally speaking, it makes sense that we keep that in mind when we interpret what we see in visions.

I had them too. Not to the extent you have by any means, but visions. I try not to get too attached. My belief is I am able to assist in the creation of my own life and my will is strong. I'm not laying down and taking it if a vision says I'm headed for something I'm not down with. That may be a pointless battle, but I'll fight it anyway. I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

Visions of the past are a bit easier to deal with in my opinion. They give you a clear choice. Assume it is true and work with it or assume it is false and ignore it. I'm a why do one or the other when you can do both girl, so I say who cares if it is real or false...it is in your consciousness now so you might as well deal with it. There are infinite routes of dealing with that sort of violation. It starts with acceptance and can then take many turns. If you want to find peace, it should probably end with forgiveness.

On the first read it sounds really psychosis....
It is amazing that you can remember them!

I will come back and reread your post.
bizi

This all makes a lot of sense, fern. Thank u so much.

Yeah, i think our brains are often not fully capable of grasping all phenomena we may encouner. Why on earth shld se be so skilled that we always have all answers? Isn't that sort of cocky?

I am totally good w not being able to explain this. Think I will leave it to that.

Hugs!!

tthat.thanks, bizi.

Cocky or delusional, but information is my drug of choice I am glad you can find peace without all the answers. That takes strength. I am working on acceptance that I do not have the answers now, but maybe they will come at some point. I'm learning not to obsess and force things. That is incredibly difficult for me, but I enjoy a good challenge

How are you feeling today? Is the Depakote kicking in? I know you've had feelings of judgment and damnation. Please keep in mind you are a good man with a very kind heart and a high level of intelligence. You have a lot of wonderful gifts to offer the world. What you feel now is temporary, ok?

Yes, delusional is perhaps better. Working on it.

As not everyone here knows details of, u and I have an absolutely freakish number of life similarities. So bizarre and a huge gift for me. The fact that only two people responded to my rather provocative post here suggests that this aspect of my story is yet again several std deviations off the mean. It's fine. Totally used to that. Someone has to be.

My information obsession is lifelong. I have 177 new bookmarks sent starting 2 research this new bk. Did 2 residencies. Honestly, maybe my fave recreational activity is to read massively geeky scientific publications, esp when they are either awesome or totally suck. Nothin' better. Total dweeb. Oh well.

I managed 2 sleep 4 hrs 15 minutes straight and feel ike a new man, thank u. You know, I grew up w great shame. It drove my perfectionism and created a lot of success. When I become psychotic, I am fearful, triggering preCambrian shame, causing delusions devaluing my life and self. This may explain hallucinations of doom, perhaps. Subconscious issues frm age 2. Maybe. Not very knowledgble about psychology,

Thank u so much for ur brilliant insight and elite humanity. U r truly a treasure.

Sending you hugs, bpcyclist. I don't know for sure what else to say other than that this type of stuff you describe often let's up over time. At least for a while and to some degrees. I found for myself that when it does let up, my main goal is to fight it from coming back again, to the best of my ability.

I know processing traumatic experiences is necessary, but also is a degree of letting them go to live in the past.

Yes, we have an incredible number of similarities including the trauma at a young age. It is a bell curve nobody wants to be on and we are definite outliers. But we are not alone. We have tremendous support here and there are many who understand so much of what we experience. It is an invaluable gift.

Speaking of things we may have in common, I have an appointment with a neurologist coming up to look for potential siezure disorders. Many of my psychitic sympyoms align with that. Yours actually do as well. Hang with me for a second here...

You wrote in the first post in this thread that you have seizures. If that is the case, I wonder.... Why you aren't on an anyiconvulsant full time. You said Depakote is the trick for this mania. That makes complete sense if you have epilepsy induced psychosis. The anticonvulsant is stopping the abnormal electrical activity. So maybe a consistent dose of depakote or Tergetol or something similar would help.

Also, you are on Trilafon. It is an antipsychotic. APs have been shown to trigger seizures and doctors are warned against using them long term and at high doses for patients with epilepsy. If you read about your med it is one of the reported effects.

'Headaches, choreiform movements of the extremities, orofacial dyskinesia, tardive dyskinesia, disturbances in consciousness, somnolence, stupor, dizziness, tremor, epileptic fits, neuroleptic malignant syndrome (NMS), severe extrapyramidal dysfunction, coma, autonomic disturbances, cerebrospinal fluid protein abnormalities'

So what if your doctor is unknowingly making your siezures worse? What if your med cocktail is wrong?

Read this article:
Psychosis of Epilepsy: A Neurologist's Perspective | Epilepsy Foundation

When I was in IP I insisted that I was very sensitive to chemicals. Benadryll actually makes me hallucinate. (It also causes seizures)... Anyway, they only ever put me on a starter dose of an AP. 1mg of Risperidone and later 20mg of Geodon. Most people with true schizo features take much more. So why did such a tiny dose pull me out of it? Well, that's the recommended dose for psychosis of epilepsy. I went off the meds, no psychosis for 10 months. Totally normal. Then I get stuck on a problem in my book and research like crazy. I stare at the computer for hours. I work my brain hard. Like that board in your pic...and bam! Psychosis returns. I then take one tiny dose of Geodon and the psychosis disappears. And that's what neurologists have reported for patients with 'schizophrenia like psychosis of epilepsy'.

Maybe you are schizoaffective. But... If you know you have a siezure disorder, I would want to investigate a neurological cause as well. I don't want to project what I have going on onto you, but the similarities are so great that I had to toss it out.

I should have added. I know that shame. I grew up the same way with a similar drive.

I'll be very honest with you, bpc. It's somewhat difficult for me to entirely follow your train of thought when you wrote your OP. I will say that it's so difficult to discern the difference between manic psychosis and prophetic phenomena...no, it's not just difficult; it's impossible.


You started this thread a few days ago. How are you feeling today?

Yeah. I have always needed low doses of antipsychotics and high doses of stabilizers. Mega high antidepressant doses and they must be in the glutamate-AMPA family. Serotonin drugs 4 me are worthless. Dopamine drugs kind of help, a little.

The Trilafon brought me out of an 8-month psychosis and kept me off Clozaril. Again, a very low dose. The schizophrenia people laugh and say I am a wimp.

Dunno. Not sure where it will go. Prolly one of those multiday EEGs. Maybe an fmri. I already have an official dx of a tonic-clonic szr disorder from 99. But I do strongly believe when I cycle, I am having generalized awake szrs.

Do not want to speak for you, but I will say it again: i am super weird.

That said, despite coming down from this recent mania and psychosis, my depression is crushing me. I literally considered giving up today. I just do not know how many brutal depressions I have left in me.

I am also a member of the super weird club. You're not alone.

It sounds like your doc knows about your condition. Hopefully the med choices keep that in mind. I know you said you have an appointment soon. I wish you the best with it.

I am so sorry about the depression. I know those phases are indescribably rough. There's nothing that says it has to be lengthy. Maybe this one will be a short blip. Be sure to keep the list of your reasons to hold on close by. We're here for you as well.

Hi, I am here (but not here). Much love to you!

Thanks, Fuzzy!!

Sending prayers and good thoughts your way!

One day a time & if a whole day is too long One Breath at a Time

Aww, thanks, Rose. Right backatcha.

Hugs.