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Member Since Dec 2016
Location: La la land
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#1
My mother is the most critical, pessimistic people I've known. I'm good at not fighting over statements she makes but I don't know if I fake it anymore.
She turns every remotely negative event (any event really) into meaning that I'm an inferior, flawed, stupid person. Mothers should be supportive and not drag you down. They shouldn't make you feel like you can't do anything right. I feel like I should be over this now that I'm nearly 50. How do you deal with a mother like this other than never see her again? My dad isn't like this. He's the best dad a person could have. But he has trouble dealing with her, too. They've almost gotten divorced. |
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*Beth*, bpcyclist, bpforever1, cashart10, fern46, Fuzzybear, Innerzone, lacerta, Rick7892, Soupe du jour, Travelinglady, unaluna
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bpcyclist, Soupe du jour
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#2
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My mother was cold, distant, and very hard on me from toddlerhood. I learned to disconnect and separate to protect myself. She was competent in her required duties. Will always love her, but she wasn't very nice to me. It was always my impression that I was likely an accident and she just really had never wanted me. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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fern46, Innerzone, Soupe du jour, Travelinglady, zapatoes
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fern46
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
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#3
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Families are like teams. Sometimes we have teammates that are a poor fit for their roles. However, everyone has a gift to give. Things can be greatly improved when we do not try to force others to be what they are not and find ways to leverage whatever it is they do best. Is there anything your mom does well that you can learn from or enjoy? In the event there's just nothing you can find to appreciate about your mother, it may just be worthwhile to not invest too much in your time with her and distance yourself emotionally. That can be incredibly sad, but it helps when it feels like there is no clear route to enjoying each other. All mothers are flawed (I certainly am) and human. Any forgiveness you can find in your heart will help you to accept and let go. Sending support your way. I know what its like to be mistreated by your mom. That pain can be incredibly difficult. I hope you find your way to greater happiness together. |
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Soupe du jour
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Soupe du jour
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
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#4
I had a mother like that....the best response to her criticism...." I see....that is how you feel." Don't argue, explain....we cannot change them, all we can do is refuse to engage in useless comments or arguments.
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Trippin2.0
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#5
Hi imaginethat. I'm sorry your mother has such a negative hurtful trait. I have to agree with what fern46 wrote.
My mother and father were not critical types, but my maternal grandmother was to an abusive point. She strongly favored my maternal uncle over my mother for no good reason whatsoever. That abusive criticism she hurt my mother with extended to my father and my siblings and me. Everything we did was bad, and everything my maternal uncle, his wife, and adopted son did was good. There are countless examples of the abuse she showed towards us, but the worst was extremely bad. One example was the second to last day my mother was home before being taken to the ICU, where she died seven days later. That day my maternal grandmother came to my parents' house and saw my mother sitting, very ill, in a chair in the living room. My grandmother literally called my mother a "pig" because my mom was obese at that time, and her stomach was even bigger because her liver was five times the normal size (a fact that wasn't known that day). As for my siblings and me, that grandmother beat us many times for things we didn't deserve them for. She once told me that she wished that her neighbor's granddaughter was hers, instead of me. I recall telling her that I wished that was so, too. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old at the time. Obviously, my mother passed away before my maternal grandmother. I never heard/saw any sign of grief from my grandmother. Certainly no support or empathy was shown towards my father, my siblings or me. Years later, when my maternal grandmother died, my siblings and I found that we were disinherited. My grandmother left everything to my uncle, his wife, and son. I assure you that my mother, siblings, and I did nothing to deserve such treatment. Nothing. That uncle soon after moved far away to Maine without even telling any of us. My siblings and I assume that he did so out of guilt, and yet such guilt was not strong enough to overpower his greed. There had been many times in their lives that my mother was grossly short-changed compared to that uncle. I will never be 100% sure why my maternal grandmother abused my mother so much, and not my uncle. One theory is that she held it against my mother that she (my mother) fell, as a teenager, and developed serious epilepsy with tonic clonic seizures (grand mal seizures), that she dealt with her entire life. This wouldn't be that different than a mother holding it against a young or adult child that they developed bipolar disorder. But regardless of this, my maternal grandmother had verbally and physically abused my mother even before that horrible fall. To my knowledge, neither my uncle nor cousin were hardly ever, if ever, criticized or beaten. My mother spent her whole life trying to be a good daughter and get approval (and of course love) from her mother. It rarely, if ever, happened. A fruitless effort. I am not a grudge holder, but confess that I have harbored great anger towards that grandmother. Her calling my mother "a pig" during the last week of her life has made it difficult to forgive. However, in the meantime, I have reflected on such behavior and concluded that my grandmother had her own severe unaddressed psychological issues. We do know that she had had a "nervous breakdown" during the period of my uncle's birth. What that "nervous breakdown" was is unsure. If you have a therapist, I hope you will spend a lot of time discussing your mother's behavior towards you. Perhaps your therapist will have good suggestions for how to influence your mother in a positive way. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions. I wish I did. Last edited by Soupe du jour; Aug 02, 2020 at 09:00 AM.. |
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fern46, Innerzone, Moose72, unaluna
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fern46
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#6
It's hard not to take her criticism to heart, I'm sure. But keep thinking that that's the way she is and will not change. It's not you--it's her. She sounds like a very unhappy person.
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#7
I too learned to disconnect and separate
My best to you, Fuzzy bear __________________ |
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Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: La la land
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#8
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Bpcyclist, I'm sorry you went through this. It's amazing what people say, and it sounds like they didn't even think about it beforehand. Were you able to disconnect but still be around her? |
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bpcyclist
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bpcyclist
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#9
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Nicole, I find it hard not to respond because then I feel like a doormat. Did you feel like that? |
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Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: La la land
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#10
Interesting that you should say she sound very unhappy -- she claims not to have a care in the world. That doesn't sound like a happy person to me. I think she's in denial about how her behavior affects people even though me and my Dad have told her.
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Travelinglady
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#11
[QUOTE=Fuzzybear;6903663]I too learned to disconnect and separate
Fuzzybear, were you able to do this and still be around her? I feel like I shouldn't totally write her off since she's my mother. |
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Fuzzybear
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#12
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fern46
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Member
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#13
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Soupe du jour
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
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#14
I hear you. I do not discount your pain. The crap truth is though that you can let it anchor you or you can fly without her. It is a hard choice and there's no wrong answer. Its something to be worked through in your own time at whatever pace works for you.
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imaginethat
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imaginethat
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#15
I learned that when my mother didn't say anything about something, she was okay with it. Otherwise, she always found something to criticize. I went through years of therapy as a result of her. I managed to separate from her--got married and moved away. I always dreaded calling her, but I hung in there and laughed about what she said with my sister. It would help if you could do that with somebody.
My mom died a couple of years ago at the age of 90. I'm glad I didn't kiss her off, under the circumstances and was by her side when she died. She had two personality disorders. But you have to do what you can to survive and keep your mental health. One therapist told me if I hadn't had a sister, I'd have become psychotic. If you want to talk more, then let me know. |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear
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*Beth*
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#16
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*Beth*, Travelinglady
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Travelinglady
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#17
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Fuzzybear
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#18
“One therapist told me if I hadn’t had a sister, I would have become psychotic”..
Very toxic parents with multiple personality disorders can indeed be very harmful grrrrrr __________________ |
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*Beth*, Travelinglady
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*Beth*
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#19
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My suggestion is to just talk about safe subjects and keep minimal distance. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Member
Member Since Dec 2016
Location: La la land
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#20
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I'll have to figure out what those safe subjects are! Definitely not work. |
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