Hypersexuality impulsivity?

Hi guys. I am bipolar type 2, but I do have bouts of hypomania sometimes. I go through a few different cycles. They have improved and decreased in frequency over the years but I still struggle with this. Before I was with my now boyfriend, I did a lot of drugs, alcohol, partying, risky behaviours, and sex with anyone. About 3 years into this relationship I started getting better about not doing these things anymore. Currently I am 4 years sober from drugs and I have been working on the more prevalent issue of alcoholism for years. It's gotten much better. My relationship has had to have a lot of work, treating my bipolar and going to therapy, trying to settle into a normal family lifestyle. But I have cycles, where I want to run from it all. I want to have sex for money, and go out, and get high, and just throw my whole life away. I almost did in the beginning, but made a lot of steps and cutting people off to prevent that. But eventually, it always comes back. There is no reason I should want to be single with a 9 year old starting from scratch, my life is great, we have everything we want and need. But sometimes the urge to throw it all away and go back gets so strong. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Well... I can't say as I have the struggle you're having anymore. But there was a time, many years ago when I did. I do still have instances where I feel the urge to throw everything away. But, in my case, it tends to be more focused on simply walking off into the night never to be seen or heard from again, along with some other stuff I won't get into here.

You referenced having done a lot of work in therapy. I don't know if your still see a therapist. But if not perhaps that might be a way of working through what you're experiencing? I know, in my own case, I don't see a therapist nor do I have anyone irl I can talk to. And the isolation just makes the struggle all that much more difficult.

Do you think it is possible, Diamond, that you could also have possibly a latent sex or love addiction lurking in your brain. If so, those things can be treated.

I have bp1 and have been clean and sober for 12 years. I must say, it concerns me that you make a distinction between alcohol and other drugs. It is a quite unconventional position in the recovery world. I do wonder whether even modest alcohol consumption in your bp 2 brain, an extremely abnormal brain--as is mine--i do worry that any alcohol could be disinhibiting you enough that risky ideas seem appealing. I'd quit drinking and see if it helps for a bit. Good luck!

Hugs!!

I think once we are wired with these sorts of behavioral patterns, they always come back in various degrees when triggered. Our memories are there and the tendencies they trigger are there no matter how far removed we are from them. You patterned yourself to believe that reckless behavior was a desired event and then dealt with the outcome later separately. You were harming yourself even when it felt good. Tremendous harm. You have to start looking at it that way. When you lump the cause and effect in together to see if there is value you'll see this behavior is a huge loss every single time. Not worth it by a long shot.

You made great shifts to change the behavior, but the thoughts that you want what you want and the belief it will feel great remain. You cannot run from that, you can only reprogram the beliefs.

So... What to do about it? I think you have to train your brain to realize these are like ghosts of the past coming back to haunt you. You can engage with them and bring them back to life, but you already know exactly where it will go. You will enjoy it for a bit and then hate your choice and it will be even worse because you will be destroying what you've built with people you love including a child.

So it would potentially be better to tell yourself these are old programs running in your mind and they will go back into the memory bank where they belong if you don't feed them. Recognize the triggers and avoid them. Recognize your desire to repeat the behavior and why and then remind yourself of all the bad that can come of it. Focus on what you know truly works for you. Focus on what creates health and wellness in your life. Focus on what generates true joy instead of fleeting pleasure. Reward yourself for staying strong.

Over time, your brain realizes that when the trigger comes you always end up in a good for your place and you don't give in. Eventually, it will get a lot easier and you'll 'give up the ghost' more completely and choose the better path sooner.

And... I agree with bpcyclist. Drop the alcohol. It clouds your judgment and triggers these cravings. Start working a program to leave it behind as that will make everything else you're battling that much easier.

Don't throw away what you have. The grass is not greener on the other side and you already know that deep down or you wouldn't be fighting yourself on this.