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Diamondlette
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Confused Aug 08, 2020 at 04:34 PM
  #1
That is the question.

*tldr*am bipolar should I have one more child

So some background on myself. I got pregnant at 21. I hadn't been diagnosed bipolar type 2 as of then but was soon after. I didnt had a wonderful pregnancy and felt great but I wasnt yet dependent on medication.
A few years later I was diagnosed, which would not have been a surprise if I had known 5 other family members in my family had it as well. I am also getting assessed for borderline personality disorder. My child's father also has severe mental illness and schizoaffective runs in his family. So our child who is now 9 has been diagnosed adhd and I feel that their is a strong chance she will develop bipolar when she is older. So I have been with my current fiance for 6 years. I am teetering on the edge of having one more child with him. He does not have mental illness or addiction issues on his side. But we are very concerned about the bipolar being passed down again. The difference I can say between myself and my daughter is that i was raised in an abusive, poor home, had many sexual assaults and rapes, and traumatic experiences that contributed to my mental breakdowns. In my house there is none of that. I stay on meds and do therapy regularly and have for years, we provide a safe, and stable home for our children. Also i know how to handle these issues and will take my daughter to counseling and psych meds when she needs it, which wasnt done for me. Now I'm at the age where if I'm going to have another child it has to be right now. In a few more years I will be past the age limit I want. But this is one of the big blocks we have to think about this. There are many days I wish I hadn't been born into this, and would hate to do that to a child. I would just like some opinions please:/
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Default Aug 08, 2020 at 08:23 PM
  #2
I am so sorry for what you have been through, Diamond.
The genetics of bipolar disorder are very complex. There is not one bp gene--so far. The illness is almost certainly highly multifactorial. Highly.

That said, most big studies show somewhere in the range of 40-70 percent or so inheritability.

My children are my joy. I wish you luck and support you whatever you choose.

I know nothing about borderline stuff and pregnancy.

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Default Aug 08, 2020 at 08:41 PM
  #3
I think it's great that you are so honestly and openly weighing this momentus decision. It's very humane and responsible of you to do so. It takes courage to be so plain about your own challenges and circumstances. I support you in doing what is right for you... But you asked for opinions so here is mine:

I do not think you should have another child. The risk of passing bad genes down to your child is too great. Also, if you have Borderline there could be some issues caused by behavior. So for both reasons of nature and nurture i think it is a bad idea. Instead, focus all your energy into the child you have already. Sound like she is already facing challenges and may have more on the way. You'll need to be available to help her.

Some say life is a gift but for me it is a curse. I don't think my parents did any good by bringing five (5) children into this world, all to suffer. Remember, it's not only what a parent does that can be harmful, it is also what they don't do, such as emotional neglect. I was raised with material comforts and good mechanical day-to-day care and still my brothers and sisters and i are painfully screwed up, one not even making it out of his teens.

Children are a pleasure. It takes a big person, a responsible humane person, to decide not to have them out of care to not inflict suffering on yet another human being.

I'm speaking plainly here because you asked for opinions. It's a subject i feel strongly about. There is nothing i am more proud of (not my degree, career or marriage) than the fact that i have not had children. It cost me my marriage and at 53 i am happy to say i would gladly make the same choice again.

The buck stops with me.

The suffering stops with me.

Last edited by Anonymous41462; Aug 08, 2020 at 09:12 PM..
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Default Aug 08, 2020 at 09:00 PM
  #4
I love my children dearly and I do worry that they will inherit my bipolar. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anybody. My eldest- almost 23- has alread had two stays inpatient at the local mental hospital. It is so hard on me knowing my child is
Possible trigger:
It's so hard from the other side! Soooo hard.

That said, I am glad I had my children. I had them years before I was diagnosed so its a moot point as to whether I would've had another had I known. I am now 48 and had my tubes tied so more children are not in the cards for me. I'm glad I had the three I have.

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Default Aug 08, 2020 at 10:50 PM
  #5
It’s a very personal choice. I have Schizoaffective and my husband has Bipolar 1. My son has ADHD/ASD and depression currently. He’s been in therapy and meds since 8-10 years old.. We have yet to see Psychosis or mania in him. We didn’t have those diagnoses before having him. I was Dx mild depression/ ED and H had anger issues.We decided that we should have child(ren) even with our issues because with proper help if our child had issues he could succeed. We were aware that our families genetically gave us something. However everyone has something. Yes, it’s hard to see your child struggle but that doesn’t make them any less valuable. I think as long as you are in treatment and working to be your best for them you’re better than most parents. Now what is succeeding to us? Being happy and healthy. This will require more support for him. Work and life will look different for him then his peers but even if I passed SzA to him I’m so glad we made the decision to have him.

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Default Aug 09, 2020 at 03:12 AM
  #6
I think it's worth talking to your therapist and/or Pdoc about it and involve them in the decision. It's a tricky question, there are things to be said for and against doing it.

I do think that a safe home will do a lot to prevent the bipolar genes from expressing themselves too severely. The estimates are that BD is up to about 70% genetic, that still leaves 30% environmental, so there's some good you can do there. At least that's my hope.

My current dx is bipolar 2 and I have three kids. I'm glad I have them, but I have to say the stress and lack of sleep are definitely not good for my stability. Luckily my wife is very stable. As long as at least one parent is stable, I think there's probably a way to make it work.

I will say that if you really do have bpd, then you owe it to your kids to go into treatment and stay in treatment for that, just as well as for BD. I was raised by a bpd mother, and let's just say it was no fun at all. Many bpd people don't realize that their behavior is not normal unless they explicitly work on it in therapy. Whereas bipolar is mostly genetic, borderline is transferred from generation to generation mostly by the way you treat your kids, starting from day one.

Last edited by FluffyDinosaur; Aug 09, 2020 at 03:31 AM..
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Default Aug 09, 2020 at 03:46 PM
  #7
I have severe mental illness, so does my husband. We have raised two children, our daughter and our son. Both are now in their 30's, both graduated suma cum laude from excellent universities and they are both in healthy marriages. Their lives are successful.

My daughter has had an anxiety disorder for which she takes medication and regularly sees a therapist. The anxiety disorder began when she was 3 years old. I immediately took her to a therapist, and she remained in therapy while she was growing up. (Definitely not something that was done for me when I was growing up, because my severely mentally ill mother was keeping too many secrets that she didn't want discovered. And of course, my mother would never seek treatment.)

Our kids were cherished, raised with an endless amount of unconditional love and support, clear boundaries. I was determined to break the cycle of abuse with which I grew up, which I did by remaining in mental health treatment while they were growing up. Fortunately, my husband and I agreed on parental styles, which was lucky.

So I will say that mental illness should not deter anyone from becoming a parent. What's important is to always put the child first. Meaning, be in touch with yourself and be in treatment to help your parenting be consistent and healthy.

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Default Aug 10, 2020 at 07:57 PM
  #8
My husband and I were BOTH diagnosed with bipolar after we had children. I put both of the guys in psychotherapy when they were teenagers. They are successful young men now, functioning well, One has some anxiety, and they have been considered ADHD, but so far not many suggestions of bipolar.

My twin sis is bipolar, and I have a cousin with it. On my husband's side there are some signs of bipolar. He had several uncles with it, and his grandmother and great uncle committed suicide.

I think, like most everything else, the disorder's development depends on both heredity and environment. I was not diagnosed until I was i my forties, took an antidepressant, and had my first manic attack.

So, It's a risk, but it's not nearly 100% that any children you have will be so afflicted. Would I have had children if I'd known earlier that I had bipolar is hard to say, But I'm hopeful that new and better drugs and treatment will occur with time., if they do get it .
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Default Aug 11, 2020 at 10:03 AM
  #9
I have BP and BPD and beside the fact that my 16 y.o daughter has anxiety issues (which run rampant in my family) she is a well adjusted, healthy and happy teen. She is now off meds (she was seeing a T and Pdoc when she was 14, because it got really bad) and has been implementing her coping mechanisms and speaks to me when things get a bit rough.

She unlike myself, has thankfully had a childhood free from maternal neglect, and sexual abuse. I am sure that plays a huge part in how well adjusted she has grown to be, that and the fact that she knows she has someone who always has her back.

My symptoms started showing as early as 14, my mom let me suffer in silence and led me to believe I was weak for being emotional.. ugh

Anyhoo, I sometimes question as all good mothers do, whether I've done right by her and blah blah blah, but Parker (my Pdoc) always reassures me, that there's an overwhelming amount of evidence that I have done a good job.

The 1 thing I did struggle with that stood out to me is with regard to my BPD, and the fact that I'm very empathetic. When my daughter hit her teens and her hormones were going crazy, I found it very heard to disentangle my emotions from hers... In more harsh words, I found her triggering... Not to say I blame her for anything, ugh I'm doing a bangup job of explaining...

Well it's like, when she was upset about something, I would also feel upset, and it was hard to tell which hurt was hers and which was mine, and did I even have any hurt to begin with.

I'm that person who cries when someone close to me does, who feels a sharp slice of pain on the spot where someone else is injured, who gets drained by visiting a hospital because the patient's are in pain... So I'm not sure how relevant this is.

But I had to work very hard in T to separate Jordan's feelings from mine, not just because it wreaks havoc, but because in order for me to be able to be there for her effectively, I can't be the same level of upset she is when she needs me.

That being said, Jordan wrote this heartwarming letter to me on my birthday a week ago, thanking me and encouraging me, saying she knows I've had it rough (she's been aware of my BP DX since she was 6) and telling me how glad she is that I am her mom.

I cry every time I read it.

My point is, I think you can do it.
You're looking after yourself and you're thinking about it from all angles, which means you're certainly making sure you've got all your basis covered.

One thing that my daughter said to me when she was 10, that has stuck with me, I will share with you.

We were having a Q&A about BP (I always encouraged her to ask questions) and she asked if it was hereditary... When I told her there was a chance she could develop it, her response was...

"Well don't worry I won't be mad at you, I won't even blame you, at least if I do get it, I will have you to help me through it and take me to a doctor and therapist. You had nobody, you had to figure it all out yourself and get help on your own"...

Run it past your T if you feel the need to, but my belief is that if you and your fiancé really want to have a baby, you should bloody well have a baby!!!!

So many people who don't have any MH challenges don't ask themselves these hard questions and have babies, some of them do an outright crappy job and even have multiple kids! Nobody or very few people are judging them, why? Because crappy parenting isn't genetic?

You and your partner are ensuring that you are willing AND able to bring new life into this world, that counts, that counts a shytload, and genetics are not something we have any control over. Unless it's a death sentence, or leads to serious health complications and deformities, I don't think that genetics should be the deciding factor into whether we get to procreate.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

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Default Aug 11, 2020 at 02:02 PM
  #10
I agree with Miguel'smom that having children is always a choice. Do you want another child? Really want another one? Or is having another child something that's more "Most people have two or more, so should I have another?" If the former is an absolute "Yes", then I hope you strongly consider having another. If the latter is the case, maybe consider not.

I'm chiming in as a woman who never had children. My husband never had children, either. We're both beyond the ages of having any. I never had an overwhelming urge for kids, and neither did my husband. I suppose I thought of it briefly at around 28 years old, but at that time I was so into my career that that came first. Then, I started to become sicker and sicker. I drank heavily, then when my hospitalizations started, they came like a steady stream. Then I had to go on disability, and there was barely enough money for my husband and me to get by (still living where we do), let alone adding another mouth to feed. I certainly wasn't in any mental state back then to cut down on or eliminate my bipolar medications. If I had mentioned wanting children to my psychiatrist back then, he probably would have gasped. But that was me. I have no regrets, believe me. I do not cry on my pillow wishing I had had children. But I know some people would/do. In those cases, they should consider having them (more).

I do agree that people should consider more than themselves when having a child. After all, a child does deserve the best situation, possible. But that doesn't mean perfect situation, by any stretch. Love is many times more valuable than other offerings. As long as love was/is offered, it could surely be worth it. I'm glad to have my life. If my parents knew, beforehand, that I would go on to develop bipolar disorder, do I think they shouldn't have had me? No, I'm glad they did, despite my challenges.
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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 04:02 AM
  #11
Hey @whatever2013 I am curious: Do you think in general people with BP or Bipolar should not have children or do you think it depends on the individual situation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatever2013 View Post
I think it's great that you are so honestly and openly weighing this momentus decision. It's very humane and responsible of you to do so. It takes courage to be so plain about your own challenges and circumstances. I support you in doing what is right for you... But you asked for opinions so here is mine:

I do not think you should have another child. The risk of passing bad genes down to your child is too great. Also, if you have Borderline there could be some issues caused by behavior. So for both reasons of nature and nurture i think it is a bad idea. Instead, focus all your energy into the child you have already. Sound like she is already facing challenges and may have more on the way. You'll need to be available to help her.

Some say life is a gift but for me it is a curse. I don't think my parents did any good by bringing five (5) children into this world, all to suffer. Remember, it's not only what a parent does that can be harmful, it is also what they don't do, such as emotional neglect. I was raised with material comforts and good mechanical day-to-day care and still my brothers and sisters and i are painfully screwed up, one not even making it out of his teens.

Children are a pleasure. It takes a big person, a responsible humane person, to decide not to have them out of care to not inflict suffering on yet another human being.

I'm speaking plainly here because you asked for opinions. It's a subject i feel strongly about. There is nothing i am more proud of (not my degree, career or marriage) than the fact that i have not had children. It cost me my marriage and at 53 i am happy to say i would gladly make the same choice again.

The buck stops with me.

The suffering stops with me.

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Default Aug 14, 2020 at 04:06 PM
  #12
Put the welfare of your potential child above your own wishes. This is what you would likely do with your own children. Then the decision will be much easier.

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