The Good Times Are Killing Me

"Fed up with all that LSD
Need more sleep than coke or methamphetamines
Late nights with warm, warm whiskey
I guess the good times they were all just killing me"

Have not been able to stop listening to this song the past two days after coming down from an intense mania but still f'king with drugs and non stop dreaming about using at night after a scary day with opiates. A lot of people when they run out of pills and can't afford more end up buying H but not me. Tomorrow I'm going to an NA meeting.

Dear spikes,

I'm so sorry. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. My heart goes out to you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hugs, spikes. Totally been there. Careful w those opiates--no margin for error. Lost an NA pal to an H overdose not long ago.

Is strongly support your plan to attend an N/A meeting.


You know what the situation is if you don't get on the drug issue like, yesterday.

I'm having second thoughts on the NA meeting. I'm not really an addict. Once I run out of oxy's that's going to be the end of my usage of anything harder than cannabis. No more after this week. I read that NA wants people to come in for 90 days straight and that's just too hardcore and unnecessary for me. I mean I'll go, but I also shouldn't be going because I don't really have a desire to quit anything.

Mods you can put this into addiction if you like. I just put it here because this is where I frequent and all this started because of mania/bipolar. I bet if I wasn't bipolar none of this would be happening.

Where are you in terms of meds, spikes?

A lot better than where I was.
I'm on 37.5 mg of Risperdal Consta (every two weeks/injection), 400mg of Seroquel split up throughout the day plus 100mg of PRN seroquel taken whenever up to twice a day, 1200mg of tegretol XR, and propranolol for akathesia.
I think they're working. My sza is well under control right now. PTSD (CPTSD?) not so much.

Spikes ... You are an addict........you use Drugs and Alcohol to escape the mental pain of unstable Bipolar...

It is virtually impossible to find even a glimpse of stability until you stop drinking and using drugs, Opiates and Yes even Pot.

Hun, you deserve a happy life, Its there you just have to make better choices

Thanks for the wake up call, Christina. I'm crying now. I needed that. Honestly, I'm still going to finish off what I have (it's not that much), but when I'm done, I'm done. I'll do the NA meeting. I'm not forced into 90 days. I know I keep flip flopping. Idk why. Sorry. Thank you.

Whatever the correct label, why do yo think you minimize the negative impact and huge risk of substances in your life? That sounds like me before I figured it out.

More than 40ish percent of bp and even more w scza have substance issues. What wld be so terrible if u were like the rest of so many of us? I have been clean 12 yrs. It is almost impossible to find bp stability using nonprescribed substances. I tried alcohol, opiates, cocaine--all they did was make me sicker and prolong the anguish.

Smart recovery people will tell you--addicts quit when they are done. Not a moment sooner. If they don't die first. I hope you figure this out.

Be well!

Hey @spikes: You are not a terrible person but you are an addict. If you do not get some sort of help you will keep having these cycles of mania and abusing drugs. You may not physically be addicted yet but you are abusing things which is nearly the same thing.

I probably minimize because practically everyone in my family uses the same substances I do. It just doesn't seem like a big deal. My cousin recently OD'd (survived) and everyone just reacted like "okay, maybe swallow that percocet instead of snorting it next time ya dumbass"
Well, my dad smokes weed and takes percocets and he works and makes money no problem. I know I'm more like my cousin than my dad. I think it's okay if I go out like my aunt (suicide by opiate od). If they could handle that they could handle an accidental fatal OD (which I don't even think is going to happen anyways). I'm cool with getting off a planet full of rapists and abusers.
Okay. I'm an addict. What next? I take the rest of my oxys over the next week, stop that until the next surgery or broken bone. I honestly don't think I could stop smoking weed just because it's something I do with my father so neither of us are violent. Both of us are without it.
I mean, if literally no one including the people I live with, my treatment team, and the evaluators at the hospital think I have a problem, is the problem really that bad?

I find it hard to imagine that your team would ever support the use you describe. That does not fit for me.

What do you do now? What we all did--get into recovery. Let's start tonight!! PM me any time. I am here for you. You can do this.

Hugs!!

I just feel like everyone here-- myself included--is making mountains out of mole hills.
I doubt my team would support it either, but they don't know. Could it really be a problem if it's so mild they can't even see it? It showed up in the urine test obv, but other than asking me how much and how often they never brought it up. My pdoc tends to ask what I'm using when I'm unstable, but never tells me to stop. No one irl has told me to stop other than one time I drank all my dad's beer and he was just pissed because it was his.

Nobody is making a mountain out of molehills. I think people are coming from a genuine place of concern and experience. Your words are classic things addicts say to justify using.

One of the main symptoms you show here is psychosis. Marijuana exacerbates that in a number of ways. If you research how it works you will see it stimulates many of the neurotransmitters that have been shown to be overactive in people with psychosis. So on the regular you are pumping in a chemical that directly works to make the job of the antipsychotics you take harder. It stimulates your memory centers, your processing centers, your spiritual centers, your motor function centers, your emotional centers, your visual center, your auditory center and more. Using and then trying to counteract what is already imnalanced without drugs with prescriptions makes zero sense.... And yes, I am aware of the benefits of cbd. However, you're ingesting thc and cbd and mixing it with various other chemicals. The amounts cannot be vontrolled. How do you expect to find stability that way?

Also, you're on an anticonvulsant. Marijuana has been shown to cause seizure like activity in the brain. Tegretol would have a better chance of working if your neurons weren't lighting up like christmas trees.

Same thing for the Seroquel... And the propranol. They treat issues that are also side effects of prolonged marijuana use. There's a difference between how it feels when you smoke and what it is doing to your mind holistically over the course of time.

Just because your team did not make it the most pressing issue to focus on with you does not mean your drug use is not impactful. They often have to start with the most pressing need and go from there. Why not help yourself and do the work to make their job easier?

You spend a lot of time in IP and in IOP. Do you want to lessen that at some point? I feel like a no brainer strategy would be to drop the drugs and alcohol of you use that and make so that the meds have an easier time of working.

You casually mention suicide by overdose. Your family's perspective is very skewed. Your position on it is a huge red flag. NA or no NA, the drug use is a problem. Choosing to do something about it would be a powerful and wise move.

I respect your right to choose for yourself. You're a smart lady. I just see a lot of arguments that do not make sense. I hope this isn't offensive. I genuinely like you, so please know my only hope is to offer perspective.

I still say that you know what's up. Make your choices from that knowing.