[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi Cyclist, can you explain here or make a thread about what you mean about your parents "completely hosing you"?

I will try. My mom was a German existentialist. Nietzsche slash Heidegger worshipper. Dad worshipped mom. Dad believes he is some type of noncommittal Texas Christian, but the word God was spoken maybe twice in the nineteen years I lived there. Super educated, hyper well-read, erudite, materially prosperous people. Moral, ethical, excellent humans.

But, despite all the ivy league schools and earthly pleasure and triumph, all this ten trillion books we all constantly read, there was one particular book that was never, ever brought up. Never. They never talked to me about God or spirituality at any time. Never. I somehow located a bible and started reading it. Probably my grandad's. Age 8, maybe. No idea why, but always wanted to be close to God. But my parents were secular humanists. Functionally, I was raised to be an atheist.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I know, it's sooo hard not to overthink.She probably just spaced it out. Ask her again. That wouldn't be annoying, unreasonable, or paranoid. It's just business...you need the link, she needs to give it to you.

I go back and forth thinking they are just playing with my mind and don't intend to rent to me at all, to "You're being crazy. IT's all going to be fine". Last night, I took 100 PRN Seroquel and 5 PRN Haldol. This calmed me down so that I could sleep. I'm doing all this work to move and what if I have to move it all to a storage unit?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Yes I am FtM.

My eldest- 23 in a few weeks- is MtF.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I will try. My mom was a German existentialist. Nietzsche slash Heidegger worshipper. Dad worshipped mom. Dad believes he is some type of noncommittal Texas Christian, but the word God was spoken maybe twice in the nineteen years I lived there. Super educated, hyper well-read, erudite, materially prosperous people. Moral, ethical, excellent humans.

But, despite all the ivy league schools and earthly pleasure and triumph, all this ten trillion books we all constantly read, there was one particular book that was never, ever brought up. Never. They never talked to me about God or spirituality at any time. Never. I somehow located a bible and started reading it. Probably my grandad's. Age 8, maybe. No idea why, but always wanted to be close to God. But my parents were secular humanists. Functionally, I was raised to be an atheist.

I see what you’re saying, but why does it matter? I was raised to be Christian but I’m a staunch atheist. It doesn’t bother me that my mom is of a different faith.

It’s obviously very important to you but I’m not sure it’s something they did on purpose to hurt you.

[MuddyBoots]

Injection day. Lied to the nurse

Possible trigger:

said I wasn't cutting, drinking, or suicidal

, feel bad about it. Doesn't help that she was all "Yay! You're doing so much better!" (nope) Kinda wondering why I'm even paying for treatment if I can't be honest with anyone. Therapy in an hour or so. She doesn't help even if I am honest (first time I was honest with her I got hurt) so I will be closed off and passive aggressive as usual.
Called my ex (drunk) twice yesterday. I was honest with him for once... he had a kick out of it. I think I totally changed his perspective of me. I feel bad about that too because I told him I was bi and he took that as I am the most sexual being on this planet, kinda made a lot of jokes I laughed with him, but I don't appreciate it today. He keeps telling me he wants to be back with me. He's old, ugly, stupid, and most importantly insensitive. I only talk to him because I'm lonely and he's so attached he'll never leave me.
Can't wait for winter. Get some good sleep for once. I keep half-joking with the neighbors that we'll get snow before we get rain (honestly, probably...severe drought here, never rains, and we're getting frost already). Oh, and I was ~30ft from a bear on some mtn Friday so that was fun. They are restless as hell right now.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I will try. My mom was a German existentialist. Nietzsche slash Heidegger worshipper. Dad worshipped mom. Dad believes he is some type of noncommittal Texas Christian, but the word God was spoken maybe twice in the nineteen years I lived there. Super educated, hyper well-read, erudite, materially prosperous people. Moral, ethical, excellent humans.

But, despite all the ivy league schools and earthly pleasure and triumph, all this ten trillion books we all constantly read, there was one particular book that was never, ever brought up. Never. They never talked to me about God or spirituality at any time. Never. I somehow located a bible and started reading it. Probably my grandad's. Age 8, maybe. No idea why, but always wanted to be close to God. But my parents were secular humanists. Functionally, I was raised to be an atheist.

My parents did something similar. They're both Catholic, but raised me in a similar fashion to you. Once I got old enough, I got to have the choice whether to be atheistic, Catholic, Jewish, Christian, whatever. I'm pretty thankful for that. Plus, the priest at our local church is suuuuper creepy and did things to my dad when he was growing up, so they didn't want me around that. I'm thankful even though I do wish I had a few extra years of the religious education.
I guess what I'm saying is that they probably had their reasons, and it sounds like you are close to God and it sounds like you always were to an extent regardless of your parents' behavior.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by fern46

Kids are raised to be all sort of things. It either takes or it doesn't. You have the ability to choose and you're making your own way. We can take time to take issue with the choices our parents made, but we can't get lost in the anger or the what ifs. Just stick to what now.

I know you've reported that you've been euthymic recently, but I'm seeing a shift in you lately. What are you doing to keep safe and balanced? Sending love and support your way.

I agree with what Fern wrote, bpcyclist. Hugs

[Soupe du jour]

I think people should be allowed and encouraged to make their own discoveries and choices in life. What I wouldn't have wanted is for parents to tell me what and how to think/believe. Luckily for me, my parents were decent in raising me and showed me love. It's sad when parents don't. Love and general, but not over, guidance was a gift to me. When I chose to join the Catholic church, they did not discourage that even though they weren't particularly religious or even Catholic. I appreciated that. Never once did I blame them for not leading me to it in the first place. It was my personal journey, just as it's been my journey to change my beliefs a bit, since then.

There comes a time when we have to stop blaming and start living our own lives. Mindfulness of the present and journeys forward. Regretting the past too long is also a fruitless endeavor. Live! Live, damn it! Live!

[Soupe du jour]

My husband and I may possibly have a new home near Brno, Czech Republic. My husband told the realtor of our interest. I confess that I encouraged Hubby to negotiate the rent price with them. I hope that doesn't make us lose the chance for it, but I believe a slightly lower rent would be fair. Some things in the house need a little work. Also, the gardens are a bit in shambles.

We visited about eight places in total over the last few days. It's been stressful, but I am fine. Hubby is more nervous.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband and I may possibly have a new home near Brno, Czech Republic. My husband told the realtor of our interest. I confess that I encouraged Hubby to negotiate the rent price with them. I hope that doesn't make us lose the chance for it, but I believe a slightly lower rent would be fair. Some things in the house need a little work. Also, the gardens are a bit in shambles.

This sounds promising Soupe. I hope it works out You've hung in there like a real trooper on this trip. When do you travel back to the states?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ok Ive had a chance to chill out. I was able to tell RS about my day and I feel so much better. I was never able to share my day with my late husband without judgement. I love him very much. Yesterday, we looked at engagement rings together and measured my ring size. I tried my hardest to get him to be ok with the ones I liked but he kept saying they’re too cheap lol I would never want him to spend a lot on a ring! Just enough so that it is quality so it will last a long time. My other engagement ring was less than $500 and was fine for the 7 years I wore it. Aquamarine and white gold. I do not want a diamond for political and capitalistic reasons. Anyway, he knows what I like now. He kind of felt bad because he wanted to do it stealthily like you’re “supposed” to but I explained to him he might end up getting me something I hate because he doesn’t know my style. I wear zero jewelry, he’s got nothing to go on! He didn’t know where I kept my old wedding set.

Anyway I’m just happy we’re moving forward. I told him I will not dictate how/when to propose

As I said, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when he said he wanted no more than 50 people at our wedding!!! I am actually going to have my dream wedding! My late husband controlled everything about our wedding. He invited practically everyone we knew, he made me get married in a church, he made me do the bouquet toss and garter removal (SO UNCOMFORTABLE). He even made me add two women to my bridal party to make it even! One I barely knew, and the other I couldn’t stand!

We will be able to get married in my dream venue (a botanical garden that is dear to my heart and has a beautiful old house to serve as the reception hall). And I will be able to cut out all the people I don’t want there by just saying we can only fit x people in the venue! And best of all the whole thing should be under 10k!

I am just very happy to finally have the life I wanted all along. No abuse, controlled mental illness, happy job, great father figure for my son...and in a few years we will even have a house of our own.

I'm so damn happy for you. You have come such a long way and went through pure hell. I'm glad that you found a great guy, What a difference life is when you do have such love and support

You are strong

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

So today I called the new apartment complex to ask for the link to the online portal where you pay your rent, etc. and the lady said, "Oh, we got the paperwork. We are working on it right now". So of course my initial reaction was happiness! But now I'm beginning to think that they're not doing that at all. Why? Because she didn't send me the link to the portal! Shouldn't I be able to log in there soon? Aren't I going to have to pay the rent and deposit on the first? I want to know! Am I being unreasonable? Paranoid? Annoying? All I asked for was the link to the portal! I had it before but I lost it. Now I'm not even sure I remember the password I came up with for it! I have a guess and I hope I'm right.

I'm sure once they get all the paperwork in order you will get the info to log on, I imagine they dont want people on it unless they truly are living there.

[Daonnachd]

Today, for the first time, I have tried to describe the bipolar experience entirely in Spanish. It's not something I was ever taught so it was difficult. ...but fun, of course.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by fern46

This sounds promising Soupe. I hope it works out You've hung in there like a real trooper on this trip. When do you travel back to the states?

Hi Fern. Originally, we were supposed to fly on Friday from Prague to Paris then on to Montreal and then home to Newark Liberty airport in NJ. However, our Prague-Paris leg was canceled on us (like many before that had to be rescheduled). We are still flying there, but this Thursday (one day early). Then we have to stay in a Paris airport hotel to wait for the onward flights on Friday. Boo hiss!

When we get home to the US, we are supposed to quarantine for 14 days, even though we don't have covid-19. That's the rule. Regardless, we will be super busy with home improvements and some packing. Hubby will also have to get back to work, still working from home. We hope he'll be laid off with a severance package. We already know that more employees at his company will be let go. It was announced a while back.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Today, for the first time, I have tried to describe the bipolar experience entirely in Spanish. It's not something I was ever taught so it was difficult. ...but fun, of course.

You weren't taught how to speak Spanish? I'd imagine it would be difficult to describe being bipolar in another language!

[~Christina]

Jennifer .. I hope that things settle down so that your anxiety will just freaking quit!! I hate the ongoing anxiety its like I cant catch a breath. Im cheering for you

Soupe.. That is fantastic news you may have found a place! I would think there could be some wiggle room as far as Rent goes. Also many home owners that have rentals often prefer renting to people a bit older. Young kids can really trash a place quick and security deposits dont cover the damage. I do hope your husbands laid off and given a package

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Moose72

You weren't taught how to speak Spanish? I'd imagine it would be difficult to describe being bipolar in another language!

I lived in Spain for two years, but never talked to anybody about bipolar disorder so there's the challenge. Some symptoms I know how to describe, but others I kinda talk around it and produce an indirect description.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Jennifer .. I hope that things settle down so that your anxiety will just freaking quit!! I hate the ongoing anxiety its like I cant catch a breath. Im cheering for you

Soupe.. That is fantastic news you may have found a place! I would think there could be some wiggle room as far as Rent goes. Also many home owners that have rentals often prefer renting to people a bit older. Young kids can really trash a place quick and security deposits dont cover the damage. I do hope your husbands laid off and given a package

That's what we're thinking. It will just be middle-aged Hubby and me and occasionally his lawyer friend who goes between the US and Brno a week out of every month. And, maybe a couple of parrots, once we get settled.

The house owners have three kids, so the house clearly shows that. Plus, they were a very messy/cluttery lot! They still need to empty the garage, attic, and parts of the patio of their stuff (some is junk). The whole house needs a good scrubbing and the bedroom we would want as the master was the kids', so would need to be "de-kiddified" (scrap the cartoon theme). They now live a few houses down the road. One patch of green would make for a nice little herb and veggie garden and others for flowers. We were told they raised turkeys there. Not our plan 😁, even though we obviously like birds.

The views are beautiful hilly Moravian countryside with village homes in the distance. Down the road is an old Moravian Catholic church. Further down is a horse riding farm. [Beautiful horses!] Bike paths are everywhere, and there are forests to explore (all public access), and a tennis court nearby for free public use. It would normally take 20 mins to Brno, but there is road construction to widen the highway...which will eventually be helpful. Bus within walking-distance. Tram to Brno from bus ride. The village name translates to "Nut Tree", which is cute.

[Living in LaLa Land]

Originally Posted by Moose72

@Living in LaLa Land You can probably find a new group at your new place. Doesn't it feel nice to put away all the new groceries? After all that work of buying them, then carrying them in - In my case I will live on the 3rd floor soon so yeah talk about exercise!- and then wiping them down, it's sure nice to have your groceries put away. Makes me feel good to know I've got food in the house. What did you get a Kohl's? I'm not sure that you should go up to 900 first. What's the harm in going to 1200- the med isn't sedating, is it?

The med's sedating, which I'm grateful for because it's the only way I consistently sleep.

I picked up some clothes for my son's school pictures. He asked for something fitting and nice. I couldn't help myself, lol.

[Living in LaLa Land]

Spent last night in the emergency room receiving two blood transfusions. My hemoglobin was deathly low at 5.5, whereas the norm is between 10 and 14 for women. I needed two bags to get back to an anemic level. Between not going in for physicals (my last one was four years ago), not taking iron, and possibly using Trileptal (which I read requires blood checks that my previous doc never informed me about), I shouldn't be surprised.

Made it through. The kicker is that I'm chasing my primary doctor. No one's picking up the phone or returning my message about the ER trip, which unnerves me because I'd like to get started on iron supplements as soon as possible. Also, I'm having difficulty tracking down my new pdoc because I need to know if I should continue with Trileptal.

I'm just tired (Only got two to three hours, I think, of sleep upon returning from the hospital). Last night was weird. I'm still discombobulated from it.