[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m absolutely riddled with anxiety. I feel like I can’t breathe every time I’m alone with my thoughts, like trying to fall asleep at night. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of calling my pdoc and asking her about it. I’m not sure I want klonopin bc I’m already tired all day from the seroquel. The benzo would add to that. I don’t get a high from klonopin so I’m not nervous about emotional addiction but physical dependency is always possible. But I don’t know what else there is.

I really think work is getting to me. I’m dreading going in tomorrow. I really hope my kid finds something to help him soon. He’s been threatening me and other staff. He’s not that big but he’s stocky so I’m not sure I could safely hold him. I don’t want to give up on him. But at the same time I’m unsure if he’s just testing me or really serious.

I don’t know. All I know is I’m exhausted by the end of the day. I can’t play games with my son. I don’t want to do what my mom did. I want to be better than that.

I have therapy tomorrow too, so I’ll discuss it with her too.

You have a ton on your plate, wfc. A little short-term Klonopin might help and is likely pretty low in risk. Sending you love and support.

I do not understand why they put you in this position with a potentially aggressive and untreated child. How long is this supposed to go on before someone actually intervenes to help this child? Do not get the thinking here.

[Soupe du jour]

My husband's psychiatrist has approved two weeks mental health sick leave for my husband. It's so sad that it's come to this! I understood his pain before the trip. I observed his extreme anxiety during our recent trip. Upon return home, he became desperate, and I believe he is depressed. Right now he's sleeping. He needs it. The whole year has been draining. He's afraid of the future, even more than I am. Oddly, as I have reached acceptance, and developed a bit of excitement about a move to Europe, Hubby is deep down grieving a bit. His whole childhood and early adulthood he had this dream of living in and becoming an American, and he eventually did. However, life in America is not the utopia he thought it would be. At least no more. I think that's common whenever a person has an extreme "Grass is greener on the other side..." mentality. Also, I believe he has feelings of failure going through his mind. He really shouldn't, though.

Life is an odd journey, for sure! I know that Hubby has benefited greatly from his time in America. He learned oodles, he has dual citizenship, and of course he found me As for me, I remember the first time I went to beautiful Prague, Czechoslovakia (as it was back then) thinking there was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on. Back then I didn't know my husband. Maybe I would never have even dated him if I hadn't traveled to Prague that time. And now, I'm moving to Czech Republic, with my Czech-American sweetheart!

This morning, I had a tele-appointment with my nephrologist. It was one of the best appointments I have had with that doctor. He gave me lots of time and really listened. He even shared a bit about himself. I told him about my blood pressure readings yesterday. He wants me to record them twice daily for a week, and then consult with him again in three weeks. He may or may not put me on blood pressure and/or cholesterol medication. I told him about my trip and he wondered how I, an American, was even allowed there. I shared that I was a "wife of an EU country citizen". In response, he said that he is seeking joint American and Irish citizenship, and wishes to perhaps move to Ireland. Apparently one of his parents is originally from Ireland. In some countries, one can seek joint citizenship if a parent (or maybe even grandparent) was born in another country.

I told my nephrologist that he will not see me after mid December. What he said in response surprised me. Just like my psychiatrist, he said that we could continue consultations via video conference (across the sea) as I adjust to my new environment. I mentioned that I will no longer have my current insurance after leaving. To that, he said that I should not worry that he would work something out that will be more than doable for me. Again, my psychiatrist said the same. I'm sure there are other doctors out there that would say the same, but not many. This type of situation certainly helps identify the "super treasures" in the world. Coincidentally, both men know each other and are similar ages. Both of their sons played soccer together.

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by Moose72

It's time to pray/send good luck/etc.! I left a message for the new complex asking when my new place is being inspected. It needs to be done or today so i can sign the lease tomorrow! Please send good vibes!

Well new good vibes are needed. I called and talked with the new complex who said its Friday that Im being inspected. Can move that day but we wont know what time just yet. I emailed the section 8 worker but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I called my current landlord who said I have to pay an extra day but that I have to put my keys in the drop box by Monday at 5 p.m. I'm working on getting the keys from the kids so I can't hand them back. So this COULD all work out if my mom and her husband and the movers are free- and the lady who wants the piano.

PRAYERS and GOOD WISHES NEEDED!!

I'm sorry it's become such a pain to move! Sending good vibes your way.

[Coolbreeze74]

My son has quit vomiting so that's good. He was able to eat a little. He still doesn't have much of an appetite. I'm hoping that hes on the mend.

I didn't have a panic attack last night. It would be amazing if they stopped! But I doubt that's happening.

I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night. Better than nothing.

My sister is coming over tonight. Looking forward to seeing her.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Hugs to those struggling.

[Moose72]

We are on a wait list for Friday for the movers, but it doesn't look good. I am calling friends and their kids to come help.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

My brother has untreated BPD (won't accept diagnosis, won't do DBT, insists he has PTSD from arguments with my father which has led to lack of a relationship at this point with him and his ex-wife having cheated on him).

His BPD manifests itself in various ways. I do not mean to denigrate in any way those with BPD, it just seems that much of his behavior stems from this.

In his case (and some of this may not be as the result of BPD, but some other types of dx), if there's any disagreement or I don't do what he wants me to do (he's very controlling), he explodes into a rage, to the point that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. He walks all over boundaries, and it has historically been very difficult for me to put up boundaries because he is so controlling, but doing so is on me, and I'm getting better at it.

Everyone in my family has called him 'abusive' at one time or another. I agree with this.

I moved to the state where he lives about 4 years ago. Before this, for many many years, I had very limited contact with him. He was abusive to me as teenagers and I wanted little to do with him, though it had been more of a passive not wanting to be around him, I never really thought about why. I felt protective of him in my mind.

In any case, since I moved here and have had regular contact with him, it has been a rollercoaster ride. When things are good between us, it's a pleasure to be around him. When we disagree about something, however small, it's horrific. To give an example, a few years ago I needed to buy a new car and he BLEW UP at me over the phone because I had decided to buy a car which wasn't amongst those he had recommended.

And there's so so so much more...

My point in writing all this, is that last night I finally wrote him an email saying that I want no more contact with him unless and until his behavior changes. It's only about a page long and is to the point. I also mention how he has blown up on my mother on many occasions (she's wheelchair-bound due to MS) and express my concern about that, but say it's up to them to work out their relationship between the two of them (I've gotten in the middle too many times; I'm learning...). I strongly encourage him to seek out therapy. I said I loved him.

I know it will hurt him. A lot. And I fear the fallout. Once when he was fighting with my father and stepmother over email, he drove 3 hours to their home and pounded on their door to talk to them in person. He then proceeded to blow up at them, scaring my stepmother in the process; she has said she's scared of him ever since.

I'm afraid he'll come pounding on my door as well. But my doors are locked and I won't let him in. I worry about this also because he has said many times that he doesn't want to deal with 'emotional' stuff via email, it has to be in person (unless he initiates such an email chain). But I won't see him in person because of his anger -I end up feeling intimidated and just can't express myself that way.

So the email is sent. My boundaries are set. It's actually possible he won't even read it, he's done this before when he suspects it's about emotional topics. but if he does, all hell could break lose. The last time I tried to end contact, his girlfriend, now wife, texted me that he had called her about it and that she jumped in her car in the middle of a work day to go where he was because she feared he would be so devastated he wouldn't be able to take it. But his reaction, his emotions and anger, are not my responsibility, or so people keep telling me, and it's beginning to sink in...

Good for you for taking care of you. It is difficult to do. My ex has most features of bpd except the abandonment part, oddly. She lies constantly. Cheated. Her life is an exercise in shame avoidance. She will do or say anything, legal, moral, or not, to avoid dealing with her overwhelming emptiness and shame.

No contact would be best, but I support her and our kids, so, not an option. What I have done lately that has been extremely effective is to be totally non-confrontational and to constantly emphasize how much I love her and feel she is at heart, a fantastic person and momma. Which she is, within her neurochemical limitations. She lies because she is terrified. I love her. And this approach is really working for us.

Hugs and love. You must take care of you.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel ok today I guess. My therapy session went pretty good. She had her fist under her chin a lot of the time and kept staring intensely at me for like 30 seconds at a time and It was kinda... arousing.

But my anxiety is kinda sucky. Basically just about covid and my surgery. I took an online test and it says I have a 5% chance of getting it and like a 00. something % chance of dying. But I am still just a nervous wreck in general although I don’t feel like that impending feeling of doom and anxiety that I felt on on Saturday.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by NOS-NOS

I've been in a depression for several days but I'm ok. Then I get more financial woes this evening, just trying to stay positive

Can you get outside for a walk or run or bike ride? Do you need a med change?

Hugs and love!#

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Taping up full boxes. Not sure what else I can do. I'm getting really nervous now. SOMEbody had better call me today!!

P.S. I just emailed my section 8 worker asking what the status of the inspection is and what happens next after it passes. We'll see what she says. I HOPE it's "You passed, now..." instead of "Inspection hasn't passed; need to do a new one..."

Almost there, Moose!!!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Moose72

It's time to pray/send good luck/etc.! I left a message for the new complex asking when my new place is being inspected. It needs to be done or today so i can sign the lease tomorrow! Please send good vibes!

Well new good vibes are needed. I called and talked with the new complex who said its Friday that Im being inspected. Can move that day but we wont know what time just yet. I emailed the section 8 worker but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I called my current landlord who said I have to pay an extra day but that I have to put my keys in the drop box by Monday at 5 p.m. I'm working on getting the keys from the kids so I can't hand them back. So this COULD all work out if my mom and her husband and the movers are free- and the lady who wants the piano.

PRAYERS and GOOD WISHES NEEDED!!

Prayers!!!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I hope it all goes according to plan, Moose.

Here in the land of fire I've seen fb reports that the flames are now being blown away from our home. I can't verify it, but I sure hope it's true.

The most difficult thing right now is dealing with my MIL whose spiritual walk is so divergent to mine. It's quite abrasive being forced to bend to her spiritual view because she isn't willing to allow for differing perspectives. Anyway, I'll shut up about that now.

I wish I could sit around a big table with all of you so that we could chat about this and that, tell stories and laugh together.

Hugs and been praying for you, D. Hang in there.

Yeah, I think we should all go camping or to the beach together someday. Wouldn't that be incredible!! All these distant people who help each other make it through the day, often more helpful than our own families? That would just be magical for me to be with all you guys someday for a day or two.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband's psychiatrist has approved two weeks mental health sick leave for my husband. It's so sad that it's come to this! I understood his pain before the trip. I observed his extreme anxiety during our recent trip. Upon return home, he became desperate, and I believe he is depressed. Right now he's sleeping. He needs it. The whole year has been draining. He's afraid of the future, even more than I am. Oddly, as I have reached acceptance, and developed a bit of excitement about a move to Europe, Hubby is deep down grieving a bit. His whole childhood and early adulthood he had this dream of living in and becoming an American, and he eventually did. However, life in America is not the utopia he thought it would be. At least no more. I think that's common whenever a person has an extreme "Grass is greener on the other side..." mentality. Also, I believe he has feelings of failure going through his mind. He really shouldn't, though.

Life is an odd journey, for sure! I know that Hubby has benefited greatly from his time in America. He learned oodles, he has dual citizenship, and of course he found me As for me, I remember the first time I went to beautiful Prague, Czechoslovakia (as it was back then) thinking there was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on. Back then I didn't know my husband. Maybe I would never have even dated him if I hadn't traveled to Prague that time. And now, I'm moving to Czech Republic, with my Czech-American sweetheart!

This morning, I had a tele-appointment with my nephrologist. It was one of the best appointments I have had with that doctor. He gave me lots of time and really listened. He even shared a bit about himself. I told him about my blood pressure readings yesterday. He wants me to record them twice daily for a week, and then consult with him again in three weeks. He may or may not put me on blood pressure and/or cholesterol medication. I told him about my trip and he wondered how I, an American, was even allowed there. I shared that I was a "wife of an EU country citizen". In response, he said that he is seeking joint American and Irish citizenship, and wishes to perhaps move to Ireland. Apparently one of his parents is originally from Ireland. In some countries, one can seek joint citizenship if a parent (or maybe even grandparent) was born in another country.

I told my nephrologist that he will not see me after mid December. What he said in response surprised me. Just like my psychiatrist, he said that we could continue consultations via video conference (across the sea) as I adjust to my new environment. I mentioned that I will no longer have my current insurance after leaving. To that, he said that I should not worry that he would work something out that will be more than doable for me. Again, my psychiatrist said the same. I'm sure there are other doctors out there that would say the same, but not many. This type of situation certainly helps identify the "super treasures" in the world. Coincidentally, both men know each other and are similar ages. Both of their sons played soccer together.

There are good humans everywhere, mixed in among the cultists and sycophants. I hope hubby gets good, solid brain health assistance, whatever is required. You two are so lucky you found each other!! It is like a fairy tale. Makes me so happy! Yay!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Hugs and been praying for you, D. Hang in there.

Yeah, I think we should all go camping or to the beach together someday. Wouldn't that be incredible!! All these distant people who help each other make it through the day, often more helpful than our own families? That would just be magical for me to be with all you guys someday for a day or two.

I can see it now: Everyone wearing shirts that have their handle on it in big letters! That would be fun. The Bipolar Forum Check-In Group!

[*Beth*]

Moose, good move vibes sent your way ~**~**~**~*-----> Moose <-----*~**~**~*

Dao I love the table idea.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I can see it now: Everyone wearing shirts that have their handle on it in big letters! That would be fun. The Bipolar Forum Check-In Group!

Yes! That would be great fun. I think I'm going to get my shirt made once I'm working full-time again.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

My son has quit vomiting so that's good. He was able to eat a little. He still doesn't have much of an appetite. I'm hoping that hes on the mend.

I didn't have a panic attack last night. It would be amazing if they stopped! But I doubt that's happening.

I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night. Better than nothing.

My sister is coming over tonight. Looking forward to seeing her.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Hugs to those struggling.

Glad your son is better. Stomach stuff can be the worst!

I wonder if you are turning some kind of corner. Wouldn't that be awesome! Miracles do actually happen. I have had a couple...

Hugs!!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel ok today I guess. My therapy session went pretty good. She had her fist under her chin a lot of the time and kept staring intensely at me for like 30 seconds at a time and It was kinda... arousing.

But my anxiety is kinda sucky. Basically just about covid and my surgery. I took an online test and it says I have a 5% chance of getting it and like a 00. something % chance of dying. But I am still just a nervous wreck in general although I don’t feel like that impending feeling of doom and anxiety that I felt on on Saturday.

It is totally appropriate to be nervous, MD. But those surgeons train forever. They could do this stuff flawlessly drunk and on no sleep. But they won"t with you. They will be rested and sober and it will be a chip shot for them. Easy peasy. Have faith. God loves you.

[Moose72]

I have one friend and maybe one of her sons coming to help Friday. My 3 kids I have reached out to- they are all working or in school today, though, at the moment.

I'm tired and would like a nap. I tried to nap earlier, but there was too much going on. Now, it's so quiet here; it's lulling me to sleep- maybe I should stay up and just listen to music. There's plenty more to be done around here. Thursday Caleb will be here. We will go out to dinner that night and then Friday we will move and I hope he can stay into Saturday, but we shall see. Just depends on how the move goes and when we get done. Maybe he will help me to start to unpack? Or at least, set up the bed?

[*Beth*]

Hazy here, smoke not heavy today. The air stinks though, odd, bitter smell. There are a couple of fire engines parked outside of my apartment, I think the firefighters park in this town to take breaks from the actual location of the fires.

I'm waiting for my pdoc to call. I'm experiencing either severe anxiety or hypomania (I suppose it could be both) and I'm about going nuts. I hope it's not akathesia. I can't stop jiggling my legs, wiggling my feet, and tearing at my cuticles. My fingers are sore. But I have music playing in my mind that will. not. stop. Seriously feels like a radio turned on inside my brain. I'm almost to a point of tears over it.

Does anyone know if akathesia can actually manifest as sounds or thoughts, or is it only physical?

[Sunflower123]

I went to the dentist today and had a telehealth visit with my NP. I thought I’d be more nervous about the dentist but they followed strict guidelines. I mostly felt comfortable.

I diplomatically requested 300 mg of Wellbutrin and that my NP increase my Klonopin from 45 back up to 60 per month for anxiety. It went well.

Thank you for the support.

Hugs to all.