Guilt, Shame, and Regret

Hi all,
I’m new here. I’ve been experiencing extreme shame, regret, remorse, and guilt over some of my actions and choices I made during my most extreme manic episode that occurred during winter of 2019-2020. This was before I was on my Lamictal medication and was being treated for Major Depressive Disorder with 150mg of Zoloft per day.
I have been unable to forgive myself for my actions at the time. Any advice?

Thank you.

While you did make those choices that you now regret, I wouldn't beat yourself up over them as you weren't in your normal mind at the time. The world is completely different when we are manic and we make some choices that we may later regret. I've said some really mean things to friends while manic that I wish I hadn't said, but they forgave me and life goes on.

I have been there. It really is a strange boat to be in because it is like we are totally different people when we are sick. We have to be accountable for our actions, but when we are at the extremes of mania, psychosis or depression we do not have control of them. My heart goes out to you. You are definitely not alone.

It all comes down to a choice. Do you want to stay in the shame and punish yourself everyday, or do you want to turn it into motivation to improve your life? Every time I don't want to deal with my illness, I use that shame to inspire me to keep going. I use it as a reminder to be as healthy as possible. I use it as a reason to learn all I could about my illness and to grow in self-awareness. I use it as a reason to reach out to others with these kinds of issues and show them mercy and compassion. I use it as a lesson in humility.

The shame, regret, remorse and guilt never truly go away. All we can do is change how we respond to it. We can let it anchor us down, or push us forward. Focus on doing all that you can to ensure you don't repeat your actions and maybe the forgiveness will come once you know you're giving it your very best. It's really all any of us can do.

Welcome to the forums. We're glad to have you and look forward to you posting.

I have found meaning in feebly trying to support other people here who have gone through this same thing. Maybe you could help some of us as we struggle through our pain an maybe receive the gift of giving in reply.

While the solutions listed above are very sound, I myself suffer silently for similar reasons as you do seekinghelp3809. I feel great shame and guilt (more ashamed) by my past beliefs and actions. I think i deserve my poor mental health as a result and have found myself quitting my meds more than once in hopes for the worst. I very much wish I had advice for you. You are not alone.

I also find myself tormented by shame over things i did while (hypo)manic. I get so grandiose, it's embarrassing. So unrealistic. Inappropriate on Facebook and thru email. And what do i have to look forward to but a future where it will happen again? The only thing i can think to do is be a recluse so i don't build up any more additional shame to agonize over. Of course, that only works when i'm not (hypo)manic and being a social butterfly.

I don't have any advice for you. I'm just writing to let you know you are not alone.

Making Amends and forgiving ourselves is a very very difficult thing to do.

The best advice I can offer is treat yourself like you would a loved one that's going through a really difficult time

Welcome to PC, and to the Bipolar Disorder board!

As you can see, you are not alone with how you feel. I also have terrible regret about some things (a lot of things) that happened during my most recent very-manic episode August - November of 2018.

But, I strive to look at the issue in a practical way. First, we have a mental illness that is a neurological disorder. That's a fact.

I believe that some day not too terribly far from now mental illness will be "proven" to be a brain disorder and when it is, most people will be far more understanding of it, just as they would be with any physical disorder.

Second, my severe manic episode occurred at a time when my I wasn't on the best combination of meds. I am now, and as a result I am stable. (Which basically goes back to number one. BD is a brain disorder.)

You have an illness, I have an illness. It is vital to do the absolute best we can doto find treatment and to remain in treatment so we can move forward and hopefully avoid losing stability in the future. One of the goals of treatment is not to have any more regrets

Sorry that happened to you. The same situation with the same medication happened to me. Time — that helped me the most and knowing that it was really the illness that put those things into motion.

Can we just all give each other a high 5? Seriously. Welcome to the club and come and take a seat next to me. I have so many stories to tell you about the cray cray s?___ I've done when manic! It's soooo embarrassing I laugh because I just don't know how to deal with it!

Okay let me tell you this much. About 2 months ago I was completely manic. I'm a teacher and I felt the dying need to email my principal and tell him I'm in the best teacher in the whole world and I don't know anyone who teaches as well as I do. And that's not even the half of what I said in the email!

Yes! Similar to this is something my therapist told me. Talk to yourself like you would a friend who was having the same issue as you. I too have times I regret decisions I made when I was sick, so you are not alone.

I agree with what's been said above. Episodes aren't necessarily an excuse but they are a reason, and we can understand for ourselves that we weren't our best selves when we were unstable. We can slowly find ways to own what we did and forgive ourselves for them. We have to find ways to be compassionate to ourselves, and seek to make things better in the future.

One of the best and most important things you can do is to be proactive with your care and recovery to focus on limiting the amount of similar episodes or choices in the future. The guilt and pain you feel over past behavior can be a good motivator. Whenever you think about skipping medication or stopping therapy, remind yourself of the damage you have done and the hurt you've felt. Try to remember how important it is to you not to do those things again and how you really want to be. A lot of us do things that aren't in line with our character and it causes us a moral injury that takes years (if ever) to heal. You have to protect yourself from your worst days, and the best way to do that is to be intentional and consistent with your care and recovery.

Best wishes and good luck. Forgiveness can be a long journey, but you can also learn a lot about yourself and your wants through this process.