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Old 11-24-2020, 09:19 PM   #21
NaoSky
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My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. About 12 years ago, between my BD and his OCD/hoarding we decided to live separately. He lives in the house he and his sister inherited from his parents (he lives there alone). I live in my nice, tidy little apartment with my cats.

Husband and I live exactly 1 mile apart. Yes, it is far from ideal. But we remain best friends and our relationship works so well this way. It works for us and I think it's takes a burden off our (adult) children.

BUT, having a toddler puts a very different spin on things. I feel for you.
Thatís cool that you guys have decided on the arrangement yet yíall are still together. I donít think my husband would go for the separate living arrangements and even if he did we would have to trade our child back and forth and thatís what I want to avoid. Iím sacrificing my need to live apart so that I can have my daughter everyday. I had originally filed for divorce during my mania and I was totally fine with raising our daughter separately and doing the whole trading back and forth with her BUT when the depression hit, I just couldnít do it anymore. I ended the divorce and convinced my husband that I was still in love with him and it was the mania that made me do it. But honestly I donít know!! I have no idea if I would have left him eventually... I donít know how much I really love him, especially during this depression I donít have a lot of feelings, only for my baby... I love her so much. Sheís my heart and I canít be away from her for very long. I care about my husband, but heís just not affectionate with me... he says he loves me, but itís not the love I would really want to have.... and now with this illness Iím sure many people would have a hard time accepting me. Iíd probably end up single for the rest of my life if I donít stay with him. Not that itís a bad thing, but not something I ever wanted. Iím just so confused about our relationship or where itís headed.... so I keep the house just in case. He thinks I love ďstuffĒ more than I love him because Iím holding onto it.... but I donít know what to do with everything should I sell the house and right now I struggle just to go to the grocery store!! So I keep putting off making a decision. Decisions are so hard right now!!!
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Old 11-24-2020, 09:30 PM   #22
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He got an apartment and now that Iím trying to make it work with him, he wonít move back to the house. Everything changed. He puts himself first now and wants to live in an apartment long term. Itís so complicated.
Can you guys go to marriage counseling? My husband has a therapist and I have a therapist that work together to keep us a strong family unit.
24 years is a long time and you not accepting it all the way doesnít make me feel any better but it helps me know that this is just a freaking hard illness to deal with. My Dx road have been hard very few drs agree with how to diagnose me. Some drs want me heavily medicated others think it's more personality. A lot have no idea what to do. I'm now on the highest AP and AD I've been on ever. 2.5 meds vs. 5 meds. If the Dx was consistent over the years I think I'd have an easier time excepting it. I still ask my treatment team if they are sure and they say they are. If you have to ask your dr. or therapist. Do you have a therapist?
When I was going through the mania he agreed to go to counseling but said I had to go first... then I ended up in the hospital and filed for divorce. Now that Iím depressed Iím scared to ask him anything. I donít think he will go. I also tried to look into marriage counseling and couldnít find anything that our insurance would pay for... but Iím sure there is something. Maybe if I decide to move in all the way with him and sell the house maybe he would go if I asked him.

I did have a therapist but I felt like I told her everything and there wasnít much else I could say or she could reply with. She helped me get to the point where I got on meds, but beyond that I felt like there wasnít more she could do so I stopped seeing her. Now I just talk to my family when Iím feeling down and itís about the same I was getting for the therapist and itís free. Ya thatís rough that they didnít all agree! Itís so hard to find the right combo of meds and it still sounds like many people on this forum havenít quite found the perfect combination!!
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Old 11-24-2020, 09:41 PM   #23
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Oh man, it can be freaking tough keeping a job through all the lows [and bad highs]. Iím super lucky that I have an amazing boss who knows what I go through and is super supportive. Looking back though, I still have no idea how I managed to keep my job through the past three years. There were many days I thought I would have to resign due to my brain. Shear grit and determination haha.

Just in the past month, I finally gave in and applied for intermittent FMLA and it was approved. Now I wish I had applied sooner. I hope to not use it, but it will make me feel so much less guilty when I have to call off on the worst of the days. Maybe something you could look into?

And yes, ďnormalĒ is an interesting concept haha. My entire sense of normal has changed. My new normal however, is much more raw and deep and more covered in gratitude than it ever was before. Iíve grown to be crazy grateful for the days that resemble ďnormal.Ē

Meds: man, for me itís been a journey. Yes- most days over the past 3 years I have not felt stable, despite taking all my meds. Tweaking dose here, changing med there with pdoc every 1-3 months. Thankfully I have an amazing psychiatrist. My biggest recommendation: speak up for your needs. If you arenít feeling right, tell them. If a med isnít working right, tell them. You are your biggest advocate.

I used to feel like you and only want one med (if any). I now know that isnít feasible for me personally. Everyone is different though. (I do know people who are pretty stable on just one med.) Iím sensitive to meds and still have a big fear of med changes. But Iím so grateful I gave in and worked with my pdoc to do a total med change this last time, cuz now it is the best Iíve felt in years. [And my job is SO much easier as a result!!] There are sooooo many different med options and combinations and each works slightly differently for each individual... hoping you find the meds that work the best for you my friend <3

Sending you lots of love and good thoughts
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Thatís what I have in me right now is determination! I donít want this illness to take me down. I donít want to lose my job. Iím on my 10th year, the longest job Iíve ever had and it was always the most rewarding. I planned on retiring as a teacher!! I just donít know if anyone with bipolar that has lasted. Maybe I will be that rare teacher that does. Iím also hoping I can go years without an episode like my mom. Sheís gone more than 7 years between them and she doesnít take any medication!!

Itís probably one of the reasons I donít want to be super medicated. I know my mom has managed so I want to also. Are meds supposed to bring back your interests and desires or does that just eventually come back? I donít feel as down as when it first hit but again I donít know if thatís just because Iíve learned to get used to the depression or if itís the medicine. Iíve already tried a few kinds of extra meds and nothing helped. I just donít want to be a guinea pig if Iím still going to feel the same and I need it to run its course.
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Old 11-24-2020, 09:52 PM   #24
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Hey Naosky,

Awww thank you Scotland is gorgeous. The scenery is just stunning. My city is full of history dating back to like 1300's if not longer. Apparently the legends say William Wallace came to a private school in my city. We will never know lol. I love Loch Lomond though that's stunning was meant to be there st the start of November but the joys of Covid-19 huh.

I have been suicudal for years but always manage to save myself. I have a support team from the local Community Mental Health Team in this team I have a Psychiatrist, Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), Community Support Worker (who is discharging me i think on Friday) and a Peer Support Worker. They all work in the same building and should communicate but don't. Don't even read each other's notes. My Psychiatrist did not know I have been med free since April 2020. Everyone else did who work with me. I have waited over a month for a Depot Injection for Aririprazole to be approved by a board through the local health board NHS. As its being used as both an Mood Stabliser and an Anti-Psychotic. I got the injection on 19th November. So we'll see if this makes a difference in my mood. Being suicidal is really rubbish. I do pay privately to speak to a Therapist. She too knows everything as well I'm honest (eventually).

I'm what they call med non-compliant. But I'm now willing to try anything. The longest I manage on meds is roughly 4-6 months then I'm off them. This time 7 months is the longest I have been off them. I currently have to take 10mg Aririprazole daily for 1 month then I will be oral free and just receiving the depot. I think the depot was 400mg. My CPN made it up and stuck me How do you accept it? I was really anxious but I did it.

I would say all your responders are right. Its a journey we are all on and a different journey for each and every single one of us. Even if we have the same diagnosis Bipolar 1 you and I would be massively different.... environmental factors, life factors, genetics, predispositions, health care we receive, experiences of mental health you have had, witnessed and heard of etc etc list is endless

Hope your OK though, and your wee girl is keeping you busy How do you accept it? just remember there are people who you can talk to on here ok How do you accept it?
I loved the move Braveheart!! Thatís so awesome!!

Howís the depot injection working? I feel like meds donít do anything for me, but Iíve only been taking them for about 5 months. My mom always got off of them after she tried taking them. Sheís cycled several times but only hospitalized once. Sheís learned to tone it down when sheís manic so itís hard to tell sometimes. We just suspect when she starts spending a lot of money. She goes through bad depressions but mangeís to get out of them over time. Sheís actually in one right now. She thinks she went through the mania right before I did. So we are both going through this depression together. She also watches my daughter while I work. My little one is the best medicine for both of us.

Yes Iím bipolar 1... itís crazy how it can be different for everyone. I donít know where my journey will be but Iím glad I found this forum. Itís good to find people who understand what itís like.

Im doing ok... hopefully one day I can say Iím great... but my daughter is my light and she helps me feel better than just ok when sheís near me.

Thank you. Itís been nice so far and grateful for all of the responses I get!
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Old 11-24-2020, 11:22 PM   #25
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itís about the same I was getting for the therapist You may need to find a different therapist. They're suppose to give you ideas on prevention and management. For me they're the ones (here too) that tell me when my meds or thinking is off. Their notes help the psychiatrist prescribe the right medication and dose. For me at least it's like an extra Dr. appointment. Yes she helps me sift through my feelings, keeps me on the path to recovery and acceptance but for me her main goal is to catch things, advocate for me and keep me out of the hospital. (only have been there 2x)

Things about minimal medication: You do not deserve to go through symptoms you don't have to. You may (and they may) not know how truly your symptoms are effecting you. My H goes to my appointments with me it's amazing what I don't realize, or he doesn't realize and how different a picture we paint for my dr. and what we don't pick up on that the Dr. does.

I'll give you an example (PC friends will smile.) :
Up until 6 years ago I was venamly against taking an antipsychotic. Yes I had crisis but nothing I (we) couldn't handle between appointments. I went on a trip no one IRL knew I was paranoid. I didn't even recognize it as such. Someone here reminded me to take my sleeping medication (at the time a low dose AP) every night instead of as needed. when I got home I told my Dr. I was taking it every night (Just that some stuff happened and I was taking it every night. nothing in detail) So she put me on something until I could see my new pdoc. Well intake got out of me that I was actually paranode and ruined the trip because of it. I didn't even know. Then they went through my history and we found other times when I was like that. So my Pdoc upped the med. All of a sudden my "migraine" that I've had since a child went away and my inter voice went away. My point is I didn't know so I didn't report it.. Does your Dr know you've had no relief? Our rule is If it's been six weeks on the same medication and I'm still not back to feeling 100% I'm suppose to call. You may want to call.
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Old 11-25-2020, 05:23 AM   #26
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I loved the move Braveheart!! Thatís so awesome!!


Howís the depot injection working? I feel like meds donít do anything for me, but Iíve only been taking them for about 5 months. My mom always got off of them after she tried taking them. Sheís cycled several times but only hospitalized once. Sheís learned to tone it down when sheís manic so itís hard to tell sometimes. We just suspect when she starts spending a lot of money. She goes through bad depressions but mangeís to get out of them over time. Sheís actually in one right now. She thinks she went through the mania right before I did. So we are both going through this depression together. She also watches my daughter while I work. My little one is the best medicine for both of us.


Yes Iím bipolar 1... itís crazy how it can be different for everyone. I donít know where my journey will be but Iím glad I found this forum. Itís good to find people who understand what itís like.


Im doing ok... hopefully one day I can say Iím great... but my daughter is my light and she helps me feel better than just ok when sheís near me.


Thank you. Itís been nice so far and grateful for all of the responses I get!
Lol Braveheart is great but full of inaccuracies unfortunately. I prefer not to think of them and just watch until my heart is content. I recite bits of it on days like St. Andrews Day, Burn's Night etc whenever being Scottish is celebrated much to the annoyance of my family

I feel no different being on the injection tbh. Is it even working lol?? I know it takes time. But jeez. They are now saying I MUST go back on Depakote as in the words of my Psychiatrist "Your condition means you will always need meds and in fact a mood stabiliser" yay!!! Lucky me? I said I would think about it as I'm not happy about it.
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Old 11-25-2020, 09:29 AM   #27
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Lol Braveheart is great but full of inaccuracies unfortunately. I prefer not to think of them and just watch until my heart is content. I recite bits of it on days like St. Andrews Day, Burn's Night etc whenever being Scottish is celebrated much to the annoyance of my family

I feel no different being on the injection tbh. Is it even working lol?? I know it takes time. But jeez. They are now saying I MUST go back on Depakote as in the words of my Psychiatrist "Your condition means you will always need meds and in fact a mood stabiliser" yay!!! Lucky me? I said I would think about it as I'm not happy about it.
I bet it is, but ya I love that movie! I remember watching it in the theatre when it first came out and loved it! Doesnít Mel Gibson have bipolar too?

Ya I wish meds worked faster, maybe we would trust them more. My mom is about 62 with bipolar and doesnít take meds. Sheís been hospitalized once when she was in her 30s. She can go years without an episode, and when she does have one the worst she gets is irritable and spends a lot of money on everyone. But she prefers to just go through that than be on medicine. I donít know. I used to try to make her take them but we all just gave up. She went through hypomania right before I did, but I didnít even realize thatís what it was because her while life sheís denied having bipolar... even when I was going through the mania she told me she did not have it and nether did I. But she finally believes she does now that Iím going through this depression and sheís also stuck in the depression as well. I tried to tell her to get on meds but she said they donít help her. And here I am taking them and donít feel like Iíve improved.... reading through everyoneís experiences too it sounds like itís so hard to find the right cocktail. Well I do hope something works for you!!!! Iím not sure what Iím going to do yet. I donít want to take Latuda which is what they are trying to get me to take... another dr tried to put me on vraylar but I wasnít sure about that one either. Iím just not good with decisions right now!!
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Old 11-25-2020, 02:12 PM   #28
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Thatís cool that you guys have decided on the arrangement yet yíall are still together. I donít think my husband would go for the separate living arrangements and even if he did we would have to trade our child back and forth and thatís what I want to avoid. Iím sacrificing my need to live apart so that I can have my daughter everyday. I had originally filed for divorce during my mania and I was totally fine with raising our daughter separately and doing the whole trading back and forth with her BUT when the depression hit, I just couldnít do it anymore. I ended the divorce and convinced my husband that I was still in love with him and it was the mania that made me do it. But honestly I donít know!! I have no idea if I would have left him eventually... I donít know how much I really love him, especially during this depression I donít have a lot of feelings, only for my baby... I love her so much. Sheís my heart and I canít be away from her for very long. I care about my husband, but heís just not affectionate with me... he says he loves me, but itís not the love I would really want to have.... and now with this illness Iím sure many people would have a hard time accepting me. Iíd probably end up single for the rest of my life if I donít stay with him. Not that itís a bad thing, but not something I ever wanted. Iím just so confused about our relationship or where itís headed.... so I keep the house just in case. He thinks I love ďstuffĒ more than I love him because Iím holding onto it.... but I donít know what to do with everything should I sell the house and right now I struggle just to go to the grocery store!! So I keep putting off making a decision. Decisions are so hard right now!!!

I understand so well. Had I been separated from my 2 children when they were young I might as well have lived in a psych hospital, I would have been completely broken.

It sounds cliche, but have the 2 of you tried couples counseling? It seems so important, just for the sake of raising your little one.
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