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Old 11-21-2020, 05:50 PM   #1
NaoSky
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Default How do you accept it?

I keep feeling sorry for myself. I keep thinking, why me? I think how unfair this disorder is. I really thought my life was beginning, I was so happy and so sure of my decisions. Now that Iím on the down side and acknowledging that I have this illness, I just donít want to fully accept it. I try not to think, try to pass time playing games or watching tv, anything I can to not think about this illness. I feel like itís a slow death sentence. I read that people with bipolar have shortened life expectancies by 9-20 years. Itís like a cancer that affects our brains and we have to pump ourselves with pills just to be normal, but what is truly normal? This is my first time going through this so I have no idea what normal will look like for me. I sleep way less, worry more, and have no motivation. Iím only happy when I have my 2 year old and my marriage and living situation is rocky because of decisions I made during the mania. I feel like this should have never happened and I want to go back to what my life used to be like. I feel like Iím living a nightmare. When did you guys finally accept our fate? How long will it take? Iím trying so hard to accept what happened to me, but itís so difficult. I just want to wake up and someone tell me that I was just in some coma, but Iím ok now, it was just a dream.
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Old 11-21-2020, 06:32 PM   #2
Miss Laura
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

Honestly I wish I had answers for you and in fact me.

Been living with this diagnosis for 10 full years and I'm like at the 1st hurdle again.

I am currently going through depression and I'm struggling. I'm a tiny bit suicidal but I'm OK. I think.

I am not medicated then I am then I am not then I am. I go yo yo'ing through this every year. You think I would understand by now.

I have the full whack depression, mania, anxiety, psychosis, ocd etc feels like its never bloody ending

I hope you get there soon, there are some guys on here that can hopefully help you out. I'm not very good at this sorry.

Maybe in time I can help you out. But for now I will keep checking your post to see if I can use the hints or tips I'm hoping you'll get.

Only piece I have to offer.... we are all different and recovery is different for everyone.
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Old 11-21-2020, 07:16 PM   #3
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

I was diagnosed some decades ago and have been on meds since I was in my 20's (I'm now 57). I still have times of great doubt, panic, almost, thinking that I don't have a disorder at all and have been taking meds for absolutely no reason.

But then I stop and remember the times when I wasn't properly medicated and the reality, the truth, hits me all over again: This is real.

I have no spectacular answers. I have learned (finally) to take life day by day. Some days I'm stronger, some days I'm not at all. I keep a routine that suits my mental and physical health.

Something that has been quite helpful for me is watching films or documentaries about bipolar disorder. From those I obtain information and understand that I am not alone in this, not by a long shot.

This forum is a tremendous support. And giving feels as good, or better, than getting.

Therapy is essential, as is being consistent with meds. For me, support groups have always been helpful (before covid).

I think that anyone diagnosed with BD is, to one degree or another, in a slight state of shock. It's a very strange feeling, I think, to be diagnosed with a disorder that is so much a part of the essence of your Self.
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Last edited by BethRags; 11-21-2020 at 09:48 PM..
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Old 11-21-2020, 07:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

So Iím struggling right now so Iím not the best to ask. I wax and wane between accepting and not. Iíve suspected that Iíve had this for about 24 years. Thank-you middle school health class. The first time I was officially dxíd my son was 3 so 15 years ago. I have trouble accepting I canít work, and without my husband would need assistance to survive. I recently realized I know no one outside my family. I am smart, funny, and ultra kind and forgiving. I donít think I would be as forgiving without this disorder. My son was raised with acceptance and unconditional love that most people dream of. My therapist says this dr will stabilize me but I have yet to have a long period stableÖ.ever. My son has the knowledge that he will be loved and canít disappoint us as long as heís happy and working towards health. Which freeís him up to follow his dreams. Iím working towards being healthy. My life has stabilized even though I still have mood/psychosis issues. I understand H more and he understands me more. So we have a stronger relationship than when we first met. This disorder made us slow our lives down and appreciate the small victories. I canít have a house, nice car, new things, credit card, cable, or most things others have. I have to live by keeping it simple but what I do have I cherish. I live like the worldís going to crumble any second because for me it can. I donít know any different and Iím okay with it.
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Old 11-21-2020, 07:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

^^^^ THIS ^^^^
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Old 11-21-2020, 07:54 PM   #6
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

@NSky-
Thank you for this raw & real post.

The best advice Iíve gotten from a fellow bipolar friend:
F*cking live it up on the stable days. F*cking make the most of life on those days. Over the past few years, the stable days have been rare for me... but I feel like I may finally be finding my way?

My other favorite advice: in the lows, take care of yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Treat yourself like itís the flu. Donít beat yourself up.

Ok one more favorite gem: connect with others who understand. Check in here often. We have some incredible supportive amazing people here <3
Sending you wishes for inner peace <3
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Old 11-21-2020, 08:10 PM   #7
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by daladico View Post
@NSky-
Thank you for this raw & real post.

The best advice Iíve gotten from a fellow bipolar friend:
F*cking live it up on the stable days. F*cking make the most of life on those days. Over the past few years, the stable days have been rare for me... but I feel like I may finally be finding my way?

My other favorite advice: in the lows, take care of yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Treat yourself like itís the flu. Donít beat yourself up.

Ok one more favorite gem: connect with others who understand. Check in here often. We have some incredible supportive amazing people here <3
Sending you wishes for inner peace <3
Thank you for you for reading and your response!! Iím really hoping for a better day soon so I can live it up, for sure! Iíve been depressed since July and have actually been teaching high school. I had zero belief that I could teach, but somehow I have managed for the last 4 months. It gives me some hope that I can keep my job with this disorder. Iím not 100% hopeful, but so far Iíve made it. I just donít know what else to do with my life. Iíve been a teacher for 10 years. I never wanted to do anything else. Iím not sure if my marriage will last and my husband told me that he cannot support me if I lose my job... so I fight like hell to keep going despite how I feel. I keep thinking the routine will help me get back to normal, but I really donít know what normal will feel like.

So even with all of the medication you take, the stable days arenít there everyday? I thought the medication is supposed to help us but I feel like so many take so much and still donít feel normal. I only take lithium and donít want to add anything else. I tried a few things and nothing helped. I know it can take years to figure out the cocktail, but I have so much fear about adding anything else. I feel better knowing I just take one. I also stopped the sleep meds because they stopped working. I sleep the same amount with or without them.

Thank you, Iím trying to be patient with myself. I was mad for awhile because I canít sleep... but I had to learn to adjust and accept only getting 3-4 hours. I think I may have gotten 5 this week once or twice.

Yes I will check in here often. It has helped knowing Iím not alone in this..... maybe we will live long enough for them to come up with an actual cure!!
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Old 11-21-2020, 08:22 PM   #8
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
So Iím struggling right now so Iím not the best to ask. I wax and wane between accepting and not. Iíve suspected that Iíve had this for about 24 years. Thank-you middle school health class. The first time I was officially dxíd my son was 3 so 15 years ago. I have trouble accepting I canít work, and without my husband would need assistance to survive. I recently realized I know no one outside my family. I am smart, funny, and ultra kind and forgiving. I donít think I would be as forgiving without this disorder. My son was raised with acceptance and unconditional love that most people dream of. My therapist says this dr will stabilize me but I have yet to have a long period stableÖ.ever. My son has the knowledge that he will be loved and canít disappoint us as long as heís happy and working towards health. Which freeís him up to follow his dreams. Iím working towards being healthy. My life has stabilized even though I still have mood/psychosis issues. I understand H more and he understands me more. So we have a stronger relationship than when we first met. This disorder made us slow our lives down and appreciate the small victories. I canít have a house, nice car, new things, credit card, cable, or most things others have. I have to live by keeping it simple but what I do have I cherish. I live like the worldís going to crumble any second because for me it can. I donít know any different and Iím okay with it.
Thatís so amazing that your marriage got stronger and your husband supports you!! I wish I could say that happened with me. During my mania I kicked my husband out of the house. He got an apartment and now that Iím trying to make it work with him, he wonít move back to the house. Everything changed. He puts himself first now and wants to live in an apartment long term. Itís so complicated. I stay with him during the week, but I still have my house. Iím torn between selling it or staying separated and keeping it. The main reason I want to stay with him is because I canít stand thinking I wonít have my little girl every day. Sheís only 2 and the main reason I wake up each day and do anything. She keeps me moving when I donít want to.

24 years is a long time and you not accepting it all the way doesnít make me feel any better but it helps me know that this is just a freaking hard illness to deal with. It takes a lot of support for sure.

It sounds like you have an amazing son too!! I also have a 21 year old daughter. Iím hoping I can give my 2 year old as much love and attention that I was able to give my 21 year old. I feel like Iíve failed her coming down with this, but it brings me hope that I can still be a good mom to her. Sheís my world right now.

I wish I could keep things more simple, maybe one day. For now I am still living my life like I did before my diagnosis because I have to, not because I want to. I keep hoping one day I will feel normal....
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Old 11-21-2020, 08:38 PM   #9
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

Embed here and on the checkin thread. There i unlimited love available here. Ask for it and accept it. Hugs.
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Old 11-21-2020, 08:39 PM   #10
NaoSky
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Default Re: How do you accept it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Laura View Post
Honestly I wish I had answers for you and in fact me.

Been living with this diagnosis for 10 full years and I'm like at the 1st hurdle again.

I am currently going through depression and I'm struggling. I'm a tiny bit suicidal but I'm OK. I think.

I am not medicated then I am then I am not then I am. I go yo yo'ing through this every year. You think I would understand by now.

I have the full whack depression, mania, anxiety, psychosis, ocd etc feels like its never bloody ending

I hope you get there soon, there are some guys on here that can hopefully help you out. I'm not very good at this sorry.

Maybe in time I can help you out. But for now I will keep checking your post to see if I can use the hints or tips I'm hoping you'll get.

Only piece I have to offer.... we are all different and recovery is different for everyone.
Wow I see you are in Scotland. I bet itís beautiful there. Iím in Texas and nothing pretty to look at in the city. My daughter and I just looked at the stars and the moon... only about 3 stars were visible.

Thank you for your response. Iím sorry you are still struggling even after 10 years. Do you have someone you can talk to when you feel suicidal? Have you ever attempted or made a plan? Iíve only been battling with this for 5 months. At least thatís when the depression hit. I didnít realize I was in a mania or hypomania. Even after I was hospitalized I thought it was a midlife crisis, not bipolar. It wasnít until I went down that I had to admit I had the illness, but itís just so hard to accept. I donít want it. I wish I could give it back. I think the pandemic was my trigger... I wonder if it never happened would I be normal again? Or was it just inevitable... so I donít know if I will ever feel like accepting this fate... I try not to believe I have it and try hard to live like I donít but when I have no motivation to get off the couch or cook it clean, I get reminded. I havenít had any suicidal thoughts but I have thought that it would be ok if I died. I hate having that thought because my little girl needs me...

Thatís what Iíve seen is that everyone is different. Itís why itís so hard to figure out which medicine works for each person... i donít know what will eventually work for me... just trying to take one day at a time...
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