Bipolar Check-in #79

I just got my mammogram results in my portal. No malignancy but it did say “ Breast Density: Scattered areas of fibroglandular density”. What’s that mean?

I think (not certain but educated guess) it just means you have some dense tissue in your breasts. That's not uncommon but they note it (and in my state if you have dense breasts they send a letter making sure you know that I think....that was so many letters and scans ago now) because it is harder to feel lumps in dense breasts and is more important to keep up with mammograms. One of the reasons I have so many biopsies is that my breasts are so dense physical exams don't show much and so they need imagining and then the imaging isn't clear and so they biopsy and it usually is what they think it is. I don't think they are saying you have very dense breasts; I think they call that hyperdensity or something like that, just you have spots of density both in the tissue and the breast glands.

Ugh. My husband was a menace yet AGAIN!!!! Made me take a shower because, "...it's been a week! You're going to start smelling!". Made me go out for lunch with him. Made me walk to the store with him. I guess I got four diet cokes out of the whole ordeal.

I don't even know how I'm feeling anymore. 😕 I'm depressed, yet motivated and driven. I'm neglecting my personal hygiene (not today. Teeth are brushed. Shower is taken. Glasses are cleaned). I'm forgetting, constantly, what month it is and what day of the week it is. I'm driven. I'm not suicidal. I'm cynical. I'm working on my projects again (newest project is audiobook format!). I'm focused on the ezine and promoting my book.

I don't know what the fukk is WRONG with me!

Today confirmed that my mood is a little bit off again. Last week, I felt a little to happy a few days and was having an increase in energy at night (but still slept okay). Then it started to get harder to get out of bed/going in the morning. This turned into some paranoia and irritability.

I am one of the many teachers at my school frustrated with how state testing was organized by my school this year (which is happening this week). The confirmation that my mood is off was, at work today, I was wearing my frustration on my sleeves all day (to the point where my coworkers noticed-they were actually got a kick out of it because I don't normally show much emotion at work).

While still very mild symptoms, it does concern me that this irritability was noticeable to others because it's another reason I'm afraid my symptoms are slowly getting harder to hide each time my mood is off.

So we got only food I can cook too. Even if it's not food I eat. So it's not healthy food but I feel better about contributing to the house. I found out my vet went out of business. So I'm having to find a new one. The one I like is 40 min. Away and $60 more a month doesn't include nail clipping every month so I'm still looking to find one that includes nails or that's another fee. One step forward, three steps back. Oh well.

Definitely feeling better today than yesterday. My ex's mom called me and apologized for giving me the payphone numbers because she knows I am trying to keep my distance. It's better this way. I have to get over him, but if I ever want a friendship with him it has to be when he gets some kind of stability in his life. This rollercoaster is really draining me.

Did another video diary entry today, and I realized I want to be more dressed up for it. Why am I making all these videos looking frumpy? I should do better, at least for myself. The video diary helps me remember what I have been through and my healing, it's really therapeutic, I also still do some journaling as well.

Today was a good day though. It was slow workwise, but I made my quota by the end of the day. It's really hot right now, so I am trying out my AC again. It seems pretty weak, I hope it holds out this summer.

I'm not doing too well. My mild depression continues, which is why i'm not posting much anymore, because there's nothing new to say. Today i took a shower and did laundry and took my dog out twice, so it was a relatively productive day and i'm not sure why i'm not more pleased. I went in my ZOOM social hour, so i had company for the duration.

It might be the dismal weekend with an incident with customer service over chat when i got slightly rude -- i wasn't profane or obscene or racist, just kind of cranky, but i still feel bad about it.

Then the next day i went in to my in-person mental health drop-in and had such anxiety that when a couple guys started talking about dentistry in the waiting area i fled as i am a dental trauma survivor. So that was a disappointment and a big waste of time.

I'm struggling to eat healthy and it never seems to end. I wish i would stop worrying about it. Eating a salad at 8:30pm is no solution. I'm sleeping well but i hear you @Scooter9 on the Seroquel hangover. I dread morning.

I failed yet again to quit Coke Zero. I figured out that if i order it in two liter bottles instead of cases of cans the grocery delivery service can manage to carry them up without fussing. When i was trying to quit i diverted myself onto a Mountain Dew which i haven't had since i was a kid. I had it at noon and was awake all night! Boy, that stuff is potent!

I'm still just not eating much and puking up everything I do eat. I got a rainbow salmon roll last night which I thought was going to stay down until a piece of salmon came up. That was 10 hours ago or so and I just made myself a Dr. Pepper with dirty soda Dr. Pepper creamer and that all came up. I have a bad taste in my mouth so I'm guessing my AM meds came up too.

I am so hungry and thirsty. My insurance company has to approve the other doctor and then this hospital will call me back to set up an appointment.

First day back at work was every bit as awful as I imagined on Monday. Class was awful. Rowdy, disruptive, half of them arrived 11 minutes late, a whole bunch rocked up with no device. I’m so glad yesterday was somewhat better. I hope today goes okay.

According to my coworkers, part of me wearing my emotions on my sleeve yesterday involved swearing. I know the moment they are talking about, but don't remember swearing at all. I remember their reaction and wondering why they reacted the way they did. So, either they both misheard me and are very confident in what they heard or I wasn't completely aware of what was coming out of my mouth...

Swearing is acceptable when just with coworkers at my job, and they got a huge kick out of me yesterday, so it doesn't really matter either way. I just kind of wish I knew so I had a better understanding of where my brain was at (stability wise) in that moment.

@Crazy Hitch I'm sorry you had such a rough day.

I took an extra stomach med. Then 15 minutes later drank a Gatorade. Since you need to have something after you take one of those. I then spent half an hour throwing up. Now I feel all off. I only took one 10mg melatonin. Idfk.

Well the police came back and kicked out the homeless person under our porch. I feel so bad. It shouldn't fall on us it should fall on the property owner. They were so mean.

I completed the bus form for reduced fare. Hopefully that comes in within 2 weeks for my pdoc appointment. I still have to take dinner meds I'll take it with brownies. I have to finish the Pokemon picture for my nephew. It's just not the type of pictures I enjoy. There's a picture that I want to do but I have to wait.

I think I'm actually starting to feel better! Yay! I even have a new novel idea brewing in the back of my mind AND I'm really excited about the audiobook. I found an awesome narrator. She read my prose perfectly! And she was willing to do the royalty share option with no upfront cost, which is great because I don't have any money. In it we both get 20% of the royalties, which isn't a lot, so she's cool. I apologized and said I wished I could offer more (because I do) but she just said that we all have to start somewhere.

Anyway, so I am excited. 😊

Husband and I are having a date day today. I did want to go to the park and have a picnic and walk some trails, but it's raining, and is supposed to rain all day, so we're going to have to come up with something else to do. I even took a shower this morning because I knew it would make him happy. 😊 So now I'm all freshly scrubbed and squeaky clean.

Today I'm running my Amazon ad campaign for my book. I am excited! Hopefully I'll get some more readers. I've only sold one book this month so far! Ugh! I'm thinking about running Facebook ads. Have to look into it. I just want the best for my book.

Have to put together May stories and poems for the ezine. Want to get things ready in advance this month and not wait until the last day again! 😩 That sucked this month!

Okay. I'm going to shut up now. Lol!

Today I did ok until now. I picked up my new glasses around 11. I'm not sure I like them. I got 3 looks on the way out of Target. I don't think transition lenses was a good idea.

Ever since 1 my stomach has been upset and I've been throwing up bits of the beef jerky I had for breakfast. Also the toast I just ate to try to calm my stomach. The applesauce too along with my stomach med I took 15 minutes earlier.

In general I just feel kind of sick and off physically today. More than normal. Plus I'm concerned about my glasses.

I've cut down to one 10mil melatonin a night. And I'm taking all my stomach meds and sticking to a lot of bland foods. So I have no idea.

I went to get a shorter bar in my industrial piercing that I got 5 weeks ago. On the way there there were so many closed roads! I wasn’t sure how I’d get there never mind how to get home. I sat in Starbucks for an hour waiting for the piercing shop to open. They looked at my industrial piercing and said it doesn’t need downsized! That putting a smaller bar in would distort my ear. Saved me money but I got some plugs for my lobes. I hope they stay in. There’s an “O” ring on the back so they should. The way home did not have construction like the way there did. I’m glad I remembered that I could go back the way I usually come into town; it’s the way I go to go to and from church. Now I can’t forget to go to my OBGYN appointment this afternoon. I think she just wants to see if I’m still having regular periods which I am.

ETA: saw my OBGYN this afternoon. I told her that I’ve been having regular periods since the last time I saw her. She said “When is your body going to get the message? You’re 52 which is prime time for menopause!” I don’t mind having periods. I’d rather not be menopausal!

My stomach is killing me today. I'm throwing up everything. I just had therapy and I had to end 20 minutes early. I had to put her on mute so I could lean over into my bucket because I thought I was gonna throw up. What a total fool I was. She was really understanding though and looked concerned. I did throw up a minute before I logged on though.

Anyways I'm down almost 8 pounds now from this fiasco and from the new meds. Still no word from anyone about the other hospital.

I just sort of feel like a loser right now.

I hope Taylor Swifts new album doesn't crash Spotify tonight

My sleep is really messed up.

I slept 4 his last night, did a bunch of things, felt tired so I went back to bed at 7am and slept for 3 more hours!

I've been so tired all day today. I think it's Vraylar side effects starting. I'm going to switch to taking it at night tonight and find out if it helps with the tiredness tomorrow.

Well yesterday was my 46th birthday. I would have prefered not to have worked on my birthday but oh well. It was athletics day for students so I spent the day watching races. I didn't want to take the day off as I know I have medical appointments coming up for my heart and I will need time off to go to the check ups so I'm trying to preserve my sick leave. I'm at work early this morning and bored AF already lol. I start teaching in half an hour so I shouldn't complain.

@Crazy Hitch:

Belated H@pPy BiRtHd@Y!!!

Feeling an inordinate amount of tiredness and no progress on the weight loss. Going to ask my doctor to take me off this heavy medication. I am on a lot of Lithium and Risperdone, and I have been sleeping sound with no symptoms for two years. I think I need to come off this heavy stuff so some of this weight can come off and this Lithium won't kill my organs.