Bipolar Check-in #79

I wish work was finished but nope I still got 2.5 hours left to go ... nearly the end of lunch time here and then I have a staff meeting after work. I really don't feel like it. I went and bought a cookie from the canteen at lunch time for no reason. Boredom plus I'll be back a bit later from work today so I'll be eating dinner later because of the meeting.

Classes were okay today but I didn't see the horrible class lol. Tomorrow I don't see them because they've scheduled cross-country during this time. I will count my blessings

I've found a different website that I've been chatting on. I actually joined it in 2015, forgot all about it, and was reminded of it by a member here about a week or so ago. I like that there are always members in chat there, unlike here when you log on and sometimes there isn't a single member in chat. I use it mainly when I've got some down time, like with my first cup of coffee in the morning before I get dressed - I've been popping in to say hi to everyone.

I called and got a pdoc appointment set up for May 23rd. I was so worried he would be booked and I was going to be stuck until my appointment in July. I feel such a relief. Last night wasn't good. I woke up at 8:22 after falling asleep at 6:20 and I was throwing up off and on until about 11 but then I still didn't get back to sleep until 3 something. Then I got up at 5:28.

My niece was sick so she didn't come over. I got Starbucks and threw up and I just felt totally crappy until I fell asleep for half an hour at 7:30 and then I woke up and took 2 Tylenol, a Zofran, and a valium, and got my pdoc appointment set up and I just had therapy and I feel a lot better now.

I'm still not sure whats physical and whats not, but I do think I'd be better off on more lamictal and prestiq.

I feel so ashamed of things i did while hypomanic. Even trying to play Tetris today, i was constantly apologizing to people in my head for being inappropriate when i was hypomanic. It makes me not want to go out anymore. At least this way i don't accumulate any more bad memories to be ashamed about.

Saw another one today:

I'm giving up wine every day all month
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I'm giving up. Wine every day all month.

Laying in bed in the dark under the blankets listening to music. Luckily my family didn't pressure me too much to play with them tonight. My daughter just asked me why I was so depressed and I didn't really have an answer. I'm happy I see my psychiatrist on the 15th.

I have stuff I need to do, but I'm so tired. I just don't have the energy. I'm pretty worthless right now. I can't concentrate.

I had a good conversation with my counselor yesterday. She is going to talk with one of her coworkers who's specialty is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I don't know much about it, but the little research I did makes it seem like it would be really helpful. Especially the acceptance part.

My coordination and brain fog have been pretty bad today. I have a feeling my mystery illness is getting worse because I seem to be getting sick-a lot of students have been sick recently so this makes sense. We'll see how I feel tomorrow-I just want to be well enough to go to work and get to my chiropractor appointment.

A student also invited me to his choir concert this weekend so I really want to be healthy enough to go to that. He's part of a very impressive program.

@June08 Have you been checked for fibromyalgia? When you say brain fog that's so often a symptom that really bothers people with it.


I really liked ACT. I found it to be gentle when I really needed a gentle approach.

@BeyondtheRainbow doctors haven't mentioned that one yet-my guess this is because I don't have any pain. Definitely something to keep in mind though.

Thanks for telling me ACT is a gentle approach-if I end up giving it a try, this info will help me be a little more relaxed as I get used to the method/counselor-well, in theory :-P

Man am I not doing well today. I'm just in a **** ton of pain and nausea and barfing up everything. More pain then normal. But I don't have a fever so I don't think I have to worry about sepsis. Yesterday I was puking out these things that looked like furballs. Today its thin floaty things. Idk whats up. Mental health wise I'm not really feeling anything today becuase my pain is so overpowering I can't feel my anxiety or depression. I took all 3 Zofrans and both stomach meds as directed with food. The first 15 minutes before I first ate. The second an hour before I ate something bigger. Who knows anymore.

Damn. I just wrote this post on how I feel so much better and I'm talking to my partner, but that's just gone...

there was like this rush when they asked if I'm okay, and I thought about how great I felt when I was with them at first, but now I'm back to feeling like I was about it a few days ago where I feel like I am just not worthy of love from them. Or anyone.

Maybe I just need to go back to hanging around people like me that KNOW life can be taken away in an instant so why bother needlessly suffering in the moment when there are ways to escape that.

Still depressed 😔... but working on getting better. I decided I can't just sleep my life away, so I made myself get up and go on a walk with my husband. He was delighted. It was a little hot out, but I'm happy I made myself get up and go on a walk even if I didn't want to. Going to make it a goal to get out and do something everyday.

Now I just have to get my fat *** in the shower!

Doctor's office never called me back. Wasn't expecting them to, so it's not like it wasn't unexpected or anything. I have an appointment next week anyways.

So I'm running out of meds. Insurance denied the med change and the Dr isn't in until Monday. I have 2 days left of my antidepressant. I have 20 days left of lower dose latuda. I'm supposed to be on 120 but I'm on 80. The Zoloft makes me run to the bathroom though. My mom gave me money for art supplies and I spent it on food. I can't tell her that because it's not what it was meant for. So I'm hoping money comes soon so I can fix it.

Just another amazing day - so many good days to count, but all of it came crashing down when I met with my sponsor today. We originally met when I was homeless, and I was still visiting my husband in the psych hospital two years ago when I had such a plan for our lives. I cried so much today, even though so many good things happened.

She explained that this is what grief really is. I lost my grandmother in 2013, and I never really grieved. I didn't grieve for my marriage either. Just because I am filling my life with wonderful people and things, I never addressed the loss and pain, and it just exploded on me today. Just overwhelming sadness.

I miss Giovanni - he loved me SO much, he engulfed me completely in love - and as damaged as we were, we truly embraced tenderness and companionship. Our brokenness is what made our love so strong, and it's so tragic that I literally see this man's face and hear his voice at night because I remember him kissing me on my forehead at night when I slept. And when I wake up these days, I still feel the tears because I've been crying in my sleep.

It will take time, and my sponsor reminded me today to be patient and let myself heal, and most of all just give myself a break.

I'm doing decently today. I just got my anxiety under control. I got out of the house for once without an issue. I threw up a couple times before I left and once when I got back. I was fine while I was out. Both with my stomach and my anxiety. My hunger has been weird and I can't make up my mind on what I wanted to get for lunch. My mom was offering Red Lobster and Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm just not really in the mood for heavy food at the moment. I took an Aleve so I'm not in pain though. Mainly I'm just a bit tired today.

Hello hello. I’m struggling so I asked my therapist if we could meet this week instead of next week. This is the first time I’ve requested an earlier appointment in probably three years. But the mood swings, paranoia, anger, irritability is too much to deal with and I need to talk to her. So I have an appointment with her in like 2 hours from now. I only slept 2 hours total. I’m skipping y my meds left and right. Because I started vaping THC and taking edibles 2 weeks ago and I keep convincing myself I can go off my meds and just use weed to cope instead since it doesn’t have as many bad side effects as meds. (I’ve been struggling longer than that so I don’t think it’s that that’s causing it) I’m not sure if I should bring up the THC vaping/edible use to my therapist or psychiatrist? I feel like it’s not relevant and it’s also completely legal here. But at the same time I don’t want to hide anything from them and be honest. I took an edible for the first time last night. It was a different experience than smoking. It hit me 2 hours after I took it and I had kind of a meltdown and panic attack where I was convinced I couldn’t breathe and that I was dying and that my brain was melting and I was afraid I’d go crazy or die. My boyfriend talked me through it though and it was fine after that. It was just a loooot stronger than I expected especially for such a low dose. But I’m still feeling it to an extant and I took it at 7:30pm last night and it’s a little after 2pm right now.

Depression-wise I'm feeling a bit better I think. I took a shower. I made myself go out for lunch and take a walk with my husband. Taking a shower had been my number one goal for the day. My sleep has gotten bad again though. I REALLY wish my doctor's office had called me back. I can't help feeling like my psychiatrist just doesn't care, which I know is unfounded because the man only works one day out of the week for Pete's sake! He's probably swamped! I should have called my case manager/therapist and seen if there was anything she could do.

It's times like this when I really miss my old case manager! 😪 He would have made sure I got a med adjustment for my anxiety last week!

Also, tmi, but it's about a week before that time of the month for me and I'm so emotional 😭 😭 😭 .

Just a bit melancholy today - went to Walmart, (which I HATE), and just realized, I have the freedom to buy whatever I want, and take as long as I want in the store. I don't know it felt freeing yet lonely at the same time.

I have therapy in a few minutes - not sure what I'm going to say but my heart still feels heavy - why is it that when everything is going so well, we choose to focus on the one thing that's not? Why do humans do that? I think about all those billionaires, movie stars, rock stars that are loved and adored by so many - they have everything they could ever hope for, but they are the most tortured? I am not saying I am in league with people like that, but I kind of feel like I am just making myself miserable for no reason. How long does it take for a broken heart to heal anyway?

The nurse I spoke with from my insurance a couple weeks ago called again about an hour ago. Shes really nice. She is really determined to get this issue under control. She wants me to call her after my appointment on Tuesday in case she needs to do anything.

She also suggested I drink Ensure to give me more energy. I think? It would do that. I just have to be careful with the calories.

I didn't get any food. Instead I ate an Atkins turkey and mashed cauliflower meal then threw up some of the cauliflower. I'm glad I didn't waste $30 on food.

They keep talking about "flushing a turd down the toilet." On the news and I'm just like "wtf."

Was just checking my voice mails. My doctor's office DID call me back today. He increased my gabapentin dose back up to 800mgx4. THANK GOD! 😊

Heard from Giovanni's mom today. He hasn't mentioned me at all. He still claims that his drug binges are just "going to hang out once a month" and it's not a big deal. He hasn't changed his ways at all. All this pain I've been feeling seems so wasted and stupid. Glad I made this decision.