I already feel like I’ve lived a life

Yeah, quantity wise I’m practically a baby. But I have experienced enough of life. There are some great things I’d miss out on, but I do not think I can take a single more loss. I look at my dad. His time was up. What has he done that I haven’t? A few things, like turn his sperm into some kind of breathing entity. Nothing I feel like I’m missing out on

I am trying so. Damn. Hard. Every moment to convince myself one day I’m not going to want to go back to being so lost in chaos that it’s okay I’ve lost myself. As it is, every second I’m talking myself out of some kind of dangerous behavior that will provide some sort of relief.

But at the same time I don’t want to keep seeing people leave, I don’t want to keep turning to a bottle, I don’t want to keep waking up in towns and cities not knowing how I got there, I don’t want to keep going to ERs, I don’t want to end up in jail again, I don’t want to hurt others anymore, I don’t want to hear the same chord progressions forever, I don’t want to get vomity toilet water on my face again, I don’t want to make a medical professional save someone that doesn’t want to be saved once again, I don’t want to hear people complain about the bugs tomorrow, I don’t want to deal with the stress of having to do the right thing when I see my partner tomorrow, I don’t want to see the police fly down the road, inevitably within a few hours.

There’s really not much I want other than to stop wasting everyone’s time and energy. There are lots of good things in life. The world can be an awesome place. Art, nature, music, connection, a comfortable sunny day, seeing the kids play street hockey, eating some fancy venison roast one night and cup noodles the next. But I won’t enjoy any of that because I can’t do any of that without feeling shame. I’ll never be worthy. I don’t deserve it. I was born soulless and a monster settled into my core and won’t move out.

I promise I’ll be “okay.”

I can understand some of what you're feeling, though I'm about twice your age. I wish I could say things get better, but I just feel like my mental illness is getting worse with age. When I was in my twenties I was a drunk and out of control, but I'm not that way anymore, so things can get better in that regard.

I don't really know what my point is to be honest. I'm sorry. I just feel like my future is long term state mental hospitalization. I'm getting tired of fighting all the time. I'm always a few steps away from a break down. I wish my meds WEREN'T locked up. 😪

All we can do is take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time. Whatever you need to do to make it through your day, and know that there are people who care about you, I being one of them.

I'm depressed as fuk right now. I wish I could be more positive. Again. I'm sorry.

You're not a soulless monster.

The soulless monster settling into your core, and the shame. That first thing is "the evil introject". Its my favorite as in defining psychological entity. Its the mean mother completely internalized. Like strawberry swirled into cheesecake.

Some shame is good. It keeps you from walking down the street with no pants on. But if it keeps you from walking down the street period, then like they say on the price is right, ITS TOO MUCH! Shame was my dad's only form of discipline: "Arent you shame?" I always got hung up on the poor grammar! So i had to totally reject shame, and then oops theres me with no pants on.

Your not a soulless monster. As a teen I felt the same way. I got better because I got pregnant. I finally had people in my corner that wouldn't let me fail. Not saying you should get pregnant. In my 20-30s I was still a mess minus the drugs, cutting and bulimia. Not treated for the right illness. But better. Now I'm 40 and bed bound but 20-30s I did some really cool stuff. And I will get better again. It's worth sticking it out. best part of the illness is tomorrow you may feel amazing.

Put some darn pants on una!



But yes, the descent continues. I was supposed to spend tonight with my partner. Nope. They deserve better. When they realize that, I don't want to get tossed onto the curb. Since I've started talking to them, I've just been a mess. Never getting into a relationship again.