[DTug]

I am really struggling right now. My official diagnosis are bipolar with psychosis, Tourette's syndrome, general anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder (Yea, I won the **** me lottery). I've never posted here before... I just remembered coming across this forum back in the day when I was looking into something. Right now I'm just seeing suicidal incidents and hearing myself telling myself that that's what I should do... But I don't want to. That's the last thing I want to do... I'm essentially struggling against my own self right now. Honestly, I never thought I'd post here, but I just desperately need to hear from someone who has been through anything remotely similar. This is very unusual for me, but not the first time. I've always been extremely successful, but this pops up from time to time and it's completely debilitating. Thank you to anyone taking the time to read all of this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi DTug, welcome to PC!

I have bipolar with possible psychosis (possible because I've never actually been able to get treatment during my psychosis, but it's pretty obvious I have it.) I also have generalized anxiety disorder.

I have battled suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. I really have come to believe suicidal thoughts are very similar to psychotic delusions, at least in my experience. Your brain is telling you things that appear very logical and true, but it is actually all lies.

I believe I've overcome my suicidal tendancies at this point in my life. I have done so through constant vigilance. I know that it is still in my brain, and it could pop up at any time. My coping skills are to focus on something outside myself that is important to me. In my case it is my children. My mom died when I was a kid and growing up without her has been very hard on me. I Just focus on the fact that my kids need me. No matter what lies my brain is telling me, that is my focus point. I don't want my kids to go through what I went through.

For me, this is a very powerful coping skill.

I know for a fact that during suicidal thoughts you can't always convince yourself to live for you. I know a lot of people say "You have to live for you," but what I say is, "First you have to survive, get to a better headspace, and then living for you comes naturally." First you have to fight off the demon.

Take care of yourself, call on support people if you have them, and don't give up. Keep posting if you can. This place is actually helpful. It's good to hear from people who understand things. And remember, the suicidal thoughts are a lie being told to you by your own brain. You don't have to listen to them. They are only thoughts. The only way they can hurt you is if you act on them.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Welcome DTug.

My diagnoses are fairly similar to what you describe, but we are all quite unique in terms of the finer details of what we actually experience. My last "episode" has taken about 5 years from gradual decline into severe depression to manic episode, to psychosis, to mixed and suicidal to ultradian cycling, and finally to relatively stable since 8 months ago. The paranoia and mild hallucinations rear their heads from time to time, and my startling and inability to cope with people's voices coming from several directions at once continue to be painful.

But as DHX has emphasised, we can fight it and there are many resources we can draw on. For me, family support has been one of the biggest blessings, which has enabled me to get medical help and manage my environment and triggers more effectively.

One of the most harmful bits of well meant advice friends have offered me is to just have a positive attitude and not believe the rubbish that bipolar is really a disorder. I have found that people with that viewpoint have no way of comprehending what it is we are dealing with. We are often facing a full scale war for our survival and need to take hold of every opportunity to win. For me, that included going the medical route (eventually) to get a shot at stability, reading up as much as possible on Bipolar and self help, and developing a survival and recovery strategy.

So I encourage you to keep talking to people here at Psych Central, and share in the mutual support on the forums.
I hope you manage to get through your current agony soon.

TS