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Old 06-08-2019, 02:21 PM #1
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How to deal with feeling ugly
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Old 06-09-2019, 02:03 PM #2
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Default Re: How to deal with feeling ugly

Pretty good. A lot of the commenters (not surprisingly) made comments about, "WTH would a good-looking guy know about being ugly?" Yes, BUT, that doesn't change that so much of what he's saying is legit. Now, what if he had been "ugly"? AND/OR they couldn't see him? Would they have actually listened to what he had to say? Worth thinking about. Being judgey goes both ways. They dismissed him out of hand. And then turn around and complain, saying people do that to them.

It really is true about different people liking different things. I mean, probably like most people, I have certain things I find attractive. Some of the things I *don't* care for fly in the face of popular "ideals". Some "ideals" I even find repulsive. So there ya go. Also, I even contradict myself sometimes(!) Point is, someone that "everyone" seems to go gaga over, I couldn't care less. I just don't see it. But there are people that others would pick apart that I think are very attractive. So it really ISN'T that they are objectively ugly. I can be quite sure that those very people have lamented their "defects", but I have no issue with these "defects" at all. I not only don't mind them, I truly think they're cute. Whether I know their personality or not (even though a good personality is hugely attractive).

Do you find yourself wondering if *I* am "good-looking"? Yanno, since it would be easier to think I had this stance if I were "ugly"? Aside from my thoughts on my BDD issue, I'm generally considered cute. I get compliments on a regular basis from total strangers. So there goes that theory, huh?

And it's not that I haven't been tormented a LOT by people over the years about my particular "problematic" area (let's put quotes, as if I totally see the light now, lol). Including by medical professionals. There has been plenty and a half of negative reinforcement. So it's not just "all in my head".

Now, do this video's points help with my particular BDD issue? Maybe a little, because there's truth in what he says about how it is our *thoughts* making us miserable. (And so can people. But the point is that it's not the thing itself.)

Wow, this turned into quite a novel!
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How to deal with feeling ugly
Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.
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Old 06-09-2019, 03:10 PM #3
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Default Re: How to deal with feeling ugly

Thanks so much for sharing. I actually didn't read any comments on his video. I never do. I don't know why. Maybe just b/c I don't post comments. I only watch.

The reason I value his approach is because CBT isn't bad but it is limited. And exhausting to be constantly flipping negative thoughts to positive. He also does a video on how positive thinking can't actually make you happy. I can share if you like. Anyway, the older I get the more I think the value is in stepping outside of my thoughts at least for a little while each day (meditation/mindfulness) and for letting my thoughts be rather than wrestling with them. I don't have to believe negative thoughts.

The first time I watched his video on depression relief, it was honestly life-altering for me. Not some sort of cure....my depression is a response to trauma and I need to keep working on it.....but on a really terrible day, his ideas made me feel much better and gave me hope.

I think he's basically saying that ugliness (or indeed beauty) isn't a reality but a concept you either accept or reject. I can believe that. Beauty is defined differently by individuals and cultures all over the world therefore it's not an arbitrary fact. Same for "ugliness."

Every American woman I've met thinks the lead singer from Maroon 5 is a stud. I find him very unappealing. I won't call him ugly, I don't call anyone that. But it is unfathomable to me that so many women find him physically attractive. Not to mention the high-pitched singing?? When I was younger, I had a crush on Jarvis Cocker. I liked his music too (Pulp) but I also found him very sexy. My female friends teased me and said he was "so ugly!" I've never understood the appeal of Brad Pitt. Sure, his face looks fine but I don't actually feel physically attracted to him and there is something very disingenuous about him.

My hunch is that when people feel ugly or indeed look in the mirror and perceive ugliness in themselves, this is more a manifestation of self-torment....unrelated to actual looks. Though I do not mean they are choosing that....it's not a conscious thing.

I had a friend who was considered by everyone we knew as "drop-dead-gorgeous." I thought she was indeed very beautiful. But over time as I got to know her, I had no doubt that she is living with undiagnosed BDD. She got the breast implants. Started botox at the grand old age of 24. And one day she told me a list of 23 cosmetic procedures she was saving her hard-earned money for. She was one of the unhappiest humans I've ever known and yet (to anyone who commented) she was physically gorgeous. She had a major history of trauma and abuse so I think that's where the BDD came from. Not that she saw it as BDD; she just believed that she was deeply ugly. She also perceived her worth as directly related to sexual attention from men...that's a really painful road to head down.
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Old 06-09-2019, 03:15 PM #4
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Default Re: How to deal with feeling ugly

Please note that these are just my thoughts and impressions. I am no expert on BDD. I think I have it myself, possibly related to depression or maybe even separate. I don't really understand it. But if I say anything about BDD that seems offensive to others, it is completely unintended. Peace to all
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Old 06-09-2019, 03:22 PM #5
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Default Re: How to deal with feeling ugly

I forgot to say, Innerzone, I really appreciated your comment on double standards about looks. It's okay to diminish or dismiss a "good looking" person but not okay to do so to an "ugly" person. How about not diminishing anyone?

Same with "skinny" versus "fat" right? Some of my worst memories from single-sex school were being tormented for being "so skinny." One girl even said I looked "anorexic" which really upset me. There are still adult women who argue that that's a compliment whereas "fat" is a pejorative. No it's not! They are both nasty ways to label and diminish someone.

(Though of course I am not deriding folks who are actually living with anorexia...I just didn't like my body being denigrated)
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