Welp... (Possible Abandonment Triggers Inside)

Please take care reading!!! I will be talking about my fear of abandonment in a less-than-nice way and anyone who struggles with that too should not read this thread.

The self-fulfilling prophecy has struck again. I'm so terrified of living and dying alone that I don't give people a fair chance anymore. Despite knowing that and despite wanting to so badly, I just don't have the capacity to make it work anymore. Dare someone call me a friend or start getting too close, even if I like them a lot too, I will make them regret it. It's like I feel some sort of determination and satisfaction from ripping my friendships to shreds. In the moment of "punishing them" I even realize what I'm doing, yet I can't stop. I hear the voice saying "keep going, you need to make them leave", and so I do. The other voice saying "or you could maybe react normally for once" is completely ignored. It's like expecting a thin glass wall to stop a high speed semi-truck.

And then, oddly, it feels like a relief when they're gone... At least for a little while until the strong desire to have someone in my life again pops up.

Story time now.

A couple months ago I left a community that I had joined for a game. The leadership liked to play around with what they call "jail", which is the title of a custom role they can give someone they want to mute on the chat program. It would normally serve as a punishment, but sometimes they give it out playfully and for the most part don't see it as a serious role because it's almost never been used "as intended". Anyhoo, I found myself "play fighting" with someone in chat who was a senior member and neither of us were taking it seriously for sure, just having some fun. The co-leader didn't understand we were messing around and told us to stop. We tried to explain that we were just playing around and there was no ill will. Apparently that was "continuing the fight" and I got sent to "jail". See, I don't find "jail" fun. It enrages me. This was the 3rd time I had been "jailed" - both of the former times were truly in jest and only lasted a couple minutes, so I wasn't mad then, just a bit irked. This time I was actually being scolded for something and not allowed to defend myself. I was agitated more when the other party was still able to type in chat (I found out later he had been "jailed" too, just much later than I had been). My head was warm and very tingly - I've never felt that level of anger before. The rest of my body was getting hit by similar feelings, which I have felt before, but never in the head. I wanted to punch something, but I sat there frozen instead and watched as messages came in and I couldn't respond to them.

So, I ended up leaving the chat. In hindsight I thought it quite immature of me to just leave, but I needed out in that moment because I couldn't stand the way I was feeling and I still don't regret it. Because they use a bot to tell them when people come and go, everyone was notified of my leaving, which I do not like.

The leader messaged me privately after I left and said he disagreed with how the co-leader handled it and that he definitely would not have done that. He also said I was welcome to come back and that jail would no longer be used that way anymore. I didn't want to go back, though. I didn't feel welcome in a place where I could not be myself comfortably.

The co-leader messaged me too, but I ignored her because I knew I would not be able to respond kindly.

The person I was play fighting with messaged me to make sure it wasn't due to him that I left and to try to convince me that I should come back. I explained I was not going back to a place I felt unwelcome and he decided we could just be friends through private message and if I had any games in mind that we could play that I should let him know. I was quite surprised at that. This play fight was my first time really interacting with him, and to me that was barely an acquaintance thing. Before that there was maybe a message or two towards each other in the community chat, but nothing significant. Truth be told I didn't like him prior to the play fight because he seemed quite "edgy" and proud of it, and not the fun kind of edgy. Apparently the play fight bought me some sort of friend. I took him up on the offer of playing a game because I'm always in need of gaming buddies. It was an expensive game too and he doesn't have a lot of money. The first time we played it was a bit awkward. Gaming means voice chatting, which I can manage, but is more difficult for me than text. On top of that, he's French with a very strong accent and still earning English, so I had to ask him to repeat a few things and only after the 2nd day did we both seem more comfy.

Then there's another fella. This one I talked to a LOT within the community chat. You might have thought we were best friends the amount we hogged the chat going back and forth. I nicknamed him "mom" because he's quite feminine for a man in his tastes and attitude, proud of it too, but was also sort of an attack dog type - protective like a mom would be. After I left the community I added him as a friend on the chat and we talked a bit here and there, he even offered to be an ear if I needed since I mentioned being depressed. Thing is, it was always me starting the conversations. Because I struggle socially there weren't that many talks. I tried to get him to play some games with me that he owned or were free, but he always had an excuse. All the excuses were perfectly viable though, so at the time I just accepted them. They very well could be true still. Eventually I gave up trying and decided he had to start the next talk or there wouldn't be one.

Fast forwarding now to the events on Saturday (Jun 9th).

Played a game with friend #1, then he had to get off to go to bed. After about an hour or so I noticed he was still online on the chat program, so I poked him playfully and told him to go to bed. He said he was dealing with some drama in the community I had left and had to resolve it first. I asked what it was, he didn't want to say. I should have respected that, but when I get curious about something I have a hard time letting it go - unless it's a personal issue, then I'm nice enough not to press for info. After bugging him a bit more to tell me about it and not getting anywhere, I went to friend #2 and asked if he knew what was going on. He sort of played it off at first like he wasn't really paying attention, then I said something like "you must not know, maybe it's drama in PMs" and he said "I do know", to which I said "well I guess you're not going to tell me either" because it was quite obvious he didn't want to tell me. He said nothing more.

I tried to distract myself from it and for the most part was able to. After maybe an hour so of silence friend #1 messages me and confronts me (probably in the nicest way I've ever been confronted on something tbh) about going to friend #2 to try to get info. This means friend #2 went and told friend #1 that I had mentioned it. Well, there's a couple things wrong with this:
1. I didn't know it was some super huge deal to want to know what was going on with people I once had a social interaction with. I was not asking out of spite.
2. Friend #2 went behind my back to "tell on me" instead of telling me himself that he didn't want to talk about it and leaving it at that.

Initially I wasn't mad at friend #2 for telling friend #1, I was focusing on trying to explain to friend #1 that I was just curious and meant no harm. Friend #1 said that normally that's something he deletes people for, but because he "respects" me he wasn't going to do that here. Well, as you can imagine as someone struggling with abandonment issues, that definitely didn't make me feel any better. He basically told me "at some point I'm going to ditch you because of things like this".

That night while attempting to sleep I instead pondered the situation. I started getting more and more upset at friend #2 for telling friend #1 about me asking him too, like he thought I was some sort of child that was being malicious and needed to be scolded instead of treated with respect like and adult. I gave myself the next couple days to process the events, but ultimately I decided to remove friend #2 from all places I had him added to. He clearly has no respect for me and if he had any interest in being friends he would have made some effort, but he made zero effort. That's not someone I want to waste time caring about.

I decided that I would let friend #1 come to me if he still wanted to be friends to let the situation cool off and am still standing by that. However, before friend #1 went to bed Sat night I had told him that for his sake, despite "respect", that he should consider getting rid of me because my emotions are too much right now and I can't seem to control myself. It would be for the best for him if he did leave - better sooner than later when I'll be hurt by it more and cause him more pain. I've strongly considered removing him myself for his sake alone.

On Sunday I asked friend #1 about the "respect" thing and wanted to figure out why he respected me and what he saw in me despite how little we had talked that made him want to be friends. He couldn't answer, so I had to let it go. I still can't wrap my mind around it. The one I chatted to the most in the group is the one I felt the least close to after leaving, and the one I didn't like at all and talked to very briefly is the one I came to like the most?

Monday and Tuesday friend #1 never came online. Today (Wednesday) I saw him online with a "busy" status (this means he won't get notified of new messages and generally also means you shouldn't try to bug that person, but he had previously given me permission to do so). I'm fairly sure for those couple days that he had me blocked or chose to be invisible to avoid conversation. He's very chatty, so it's very unlike him to not be on. I kept myself busy with games these past few days, so it's not bothering me as much as it might otherwise. With him being offline of course I thought he was strongly considering removing me as a friend entirely. In fact, I think he still is, but only time will tell.

I'm such a drain on everyone around me and myself. He's a decent guy with lots of potential to be something and the thought of me destroying him... I hate that just as much as I hate the thought of him giving up on me. Even before the events on Saturday, I've shown a lot of my negative sides to the poor guy. If this is what I'm like now, imagine if I get more attached to him... Ugh, it makes me physically ill to think about it. So many people give up on me - people who swore they would work with me and they "wanted to help"... but I don't blame a single one for quitting. I can even see them changing when they're around me, they get less and less lively over time as though I'm sucking the life out of them. I just don't know how to stop.

tl;dr? Stuff happened. I got rid of one friend because they were wrong for me. I'm anticipating another friend removing me. If they don't, I'm considering doing the job for them despite them being good for me because I don't want to hurt them anymore.

Before people suggest therapy: been there, done that. I have not had any luck finding a therapist that can challenge me in a way that works for me. I need one that is willing to try to defeat my logic, but most expect you to be fully cooperative and, frankly, ignorant. A few years ago one tried, and her attempt went well, but I didn't feel like the sessions went anywhere really and money became a problem, so I had to stop going.

First of all, I want to make clear that I think that I understand what you did and why you did it.
I don’t know if it’s gonna be helpful for you but I see as a very positive point the way you title the post and the way you explain yourself in the introduction. I state it bc you showed that you’re able to realise of your role in “sabotage” your relationships, so to speak. But, you can’t control it. I understand also that part.
I see it like a giant step. A necessary one to process all what happened, when taking a time-off to do it calmly. You need it.

I know you have the urge to clarify, correct misunderstandings, make your voice being heard. You feel hurt, rejected unfairly treat. I know it but do you think is the best moment for doing it?

Don’t block anyone else. Don’t take any decision now. Try to consider the following:
* You felt unfairly treat when sending to jail. People sometimes behave unfairly. People sometimes mess it up. You have the right to tell the leader what you didn’t like and why. In a calm way when you feel ready.
* Friend 1: You don’t know him a lot. Consider if you are taking things too far. Think about how he could feel when after saying goodnight to you, and you insisted in knowing what was going around. Maybe, he felt you were pushing his limits. I told you it for the way he responded, a very rude way though.
* Think about that part when you said that you wanted them to leave for their sake. I believe you when you say it. But, is there more?
You deserve to be treat with respect and care and the best is to tell others what you didn’t like when you feel calmer. So, they will feel free to tell you too.
I know the fear you feel. I’m with you. I mean, I understand you. I don’t want you to feel upset for some points I brought up in my reply. And always notice that they are only the points I got to see.

I did tell the leader when he messaged me, I only chose to ignore the co-leader. Those events are well over now so I'm not going to go to her (the co-leader) and try to re-hash old issues. It wouldn't change anything. Even if she apologized and asked me to come back, I don't want to. I no longer play the game that the group was for and don't really care for anyone else there, so there's no reason to go back.

I don't know him a lot, no. It's another big reason I find it odd that he didn't leave if he was so upset by me doing that. He told me how he felt about it so I don't have to imagine, he basically saw it as me going behind his back. I get why he's upset about it in that sense. What I don't get is why this particular thing is such a big secret and why he couldn't just tell me about it. I thought maybe it had to do with him because then I could understand, but he said it doesn't have anything to do with him so I don't get it.

If you're trying to say it's me pushing them away in another way, it probably is. I don't want friend #1 to leave though, except purely for his benefit because I think I will keep hurting him. I think I could still learn a lot from him. But, is he willing to teach? I don't think it's fair of me to ask him to do so. He's pretty busy getting his life sorted out and struggles with depression some too (but is otherwise pretty normal). If he chooses to stick around I will have to pick up what I can without directly asking for it.

If you're referring to the leader/co-leader again, as I said above I'm not interested in going back there so that's moot. If you mean friend #2 (the person I cut out), I've found out the hard way that you cannot change people and I will not be treated that way. Sometimes people aren't compatible with each other and that was the case with friend #2.

No worries, I appreciate someone taking the time to respond with thoughtful questions. Didn't think anyone would read it, let alone respond.

I ended up talking to friend #1 about the situation to try to get a better idea on what the big deal was. It went as well as it possibly could. It was at the end of the day and he was still set to busy status, but since I had gotten clearance before to poke him when he was set to busy I went ahead and assumed it was still ok since I really wanted to get this over with. He didn't seem to be bothered by me poking him and was able to explain it further to me. It's not just an unspoken rule to not talk about group things outside of the group, supposedly it's a written one and I just hadn't seen it. With that in mind, I could have gotten him in trouble if friend #2 had told the group that friend #1 was telling me things about the group, even if he hadn't actually told me anything.

I understand it better now, but I still feel like it shouldn't be a big deal to tell me what was going on. I have to remind myself though that we barely know each other so trust has not been established, so while in my mind I have no issue telling my friends about things that are stressing me out, he might not feel the same.

I'm still struggling with feelings of wanting to remove him for his sake because I'm so scared I'm going to ruin him. I really need to conquer these feelings though if I am to keep him around because those feelings are going to force me to act more abnormal than I already am in order to push him away. In my current mindset I have control over that, but I know that if I got emotional that I might not and that scares me too. I feel like I need to warn him about that, but also that warning him is a dumb thing to do and not really helpful. Ugh. Stupid brain, why can't you just figure this out?

Sorry for my delay.
I have just written my reply to your first reply here.
You are doing very well in not removing him. Time will say what can happen.
I know you are afraid and you have the right to warn him, it’s up to him if he likes or doesn’t. Only, it’s better tell people in a more accurate way what happens if you see it like a need fir the relation sake.
I give you an option in the message I wrote.

Here, it is:

I’m glad that you didn’t feel upset for some points in my reply. I understand that whoever can tell you something about your post is gonna do it from an outsider view, you know...with a cooler head and without what feelings involve.

I saw myself reflected in you in this post. :-)
I understand what you did. I would do more or less the same.
What I’m trying to tell you is that maybe, if you notice that you reacted too much fast and without perceiving the whole picture of the situation, you have a chance to be able to avoid these first reactions little by little, say what you have to say in an assertive way at the moment or simply take your own time to cooler things and then, tell them, if necessary, what you need to tell them. I’m thinking about what it’s the best for you in order to make you at ease. Also, this is gonna be reflected in your relations with people.
Realising of my reactions and what triggers me, and why I react the way I do is helping me to stop these reactions and better my relations with others.
It takes a time. And I still have intrusive thoughts when I think the worst of me and others and when I have strong feelings, of course but knowing myself better and having a critic attitude towards my own thoughts and feelings, helped me to understand better other people.

Quote: “ I don't know him a lot, no. It's another big reason I find it odd that he didn't leave if he was so upset by me doing that. He told me how he felt about it so I don't have to imagine, he basically saw it as me going behind his back. I get why he's upset about it in that sense. What I don't get is why this particular thing is such a big secret and why he couldn't just tell me about it. I thought maybe it had to do with him because then I could understand, but he said it doesn't have anything to do with him so I don't get it”
He didn’t leave bc he doesn’t have a reason to leave. People get upset all the time, it doesn’t imply to leave. He was setting boundaries. If he did it, I see it like an interest on his part to make the relation works.

Quote: “ If you're trying to say it's me pushing them away in another way, it probably is. I don't want friend #1 to leave though, except purely for his benefit because I think I will keep hurting him. I think I could still learn a lot from him. But, is he willing to teach? I don't think it's fair of me to ask him to do so. He's pretty busy getting his life sorted out and struggles with depression some too (but is otherwise pretty normal). If he chooses to stick around I will have to pick up what I can without directly asking for it “.

Yes, I know you are afraid of hurting them.
Also, pushing them away to make you at ease. To avoid your own pain. Maybe, it’s up to them if they want to know you better. Try to see it more objectively. Wouldn’t it more accurate to tell them, if you consider it necessary. “ Look, I sometimes have strong feelings and strong reactions. I hope you make me know when you don’t understand something or you get upset. I’m trying to better my issues but I sometimes find it difficult.
I’m sure any person is gonna be confortable with you if you show them your interest to cope with your issues for the friendship sake and your own sake.
Also, I’m sure they are gonna enjoy your richness and your qualities that I’m sure they are many.
Don’t condemn yourself and your relations bc of a flaw of you. Noone is perfect and what counts is to progress.

"I know you are afraid and you have the right to warn him, it’s up to him if he likes or doesn’t. Only, it’s better tell people in a more accurate way what happens if you see it like a need fir the relation sake."

With that sort of thing I'm not sure when it's appropriate. Normally I warn people a lot, but those same people always leave. It's like they don't heed the warnings, or they didn't realize it was as bad as I was saying it was. I have warned him about some things when issues come up, but warning ahead of time... I just don't know if it's worth it anymore.

"Realising of my reactions and what triggers me, and why I react the way I do is helping me to stop these reactions and better my relations with others."

Indeed, I'm pretty self-aware so I know what triggers me and I can usually avoid those sorts of things, but sometimes things just happen without me having a chance to avoid it and I have a hard time with control at that point.

"He didn’t leave bc he doesn’t have a reason to leave. People get upset all the time, it doesn’t imply to leave. He was setting boundaries. If he did it, I see it like an interest on his part to make the relation works."

That's probably the optimistic view, yeah... In my experience when people start setting up boundaries it's because they're trying to keep me at a distance and eventually that means they disappear, so when I feel boundaries get set beyond what I "feel" is normal (like in the case of not being able to tell me what was going on), I start to worry about it a lot, especially when I actually like the person who is doing that. That said, I try to be respectful of boundaries and have told this friend and others to be honest with me when I'm crossing a line so that I can stop because I won't understand if they just hint at being bothered.

"Maybe, it’s up to them if they want to know you better."

Well, yeah, it is. Sometimes I have a hard time with that though, like when I find a friend I really like I tend to "force" them to get to know me better with the warnings about my behavior and whatnot. It helps me feel more connected to them, but this often ends up with me feeling closer to them than them to me, sometimes drastically so. The last friend I lost that really hurt me was like that. I met him at a really down point in my life having just lost another friend I liked a lot and was very emotional, having a hard time hiding it and all. I spent a lot of time typing up emails or IMs explaining myself and why I am the way I am with the intent of helping us co-exist (we were working together in a support unit for a gaming group). He took it all really well and seemed like he wanted to help me, but some months ago he chose to move on (and didn't bother to tell me until I basically went insane with anxiety over not having heard from him to the point of messaging him in multiple places until I got a response). Now because of him and the others who have done similar I find it very hard to believe people when they say they want to be a friend and get to know me better. They don't really know what they're getting into, and despite me giving them that warning it just seems to intrigue them more until they find out I wasn't lying... And then I end up being hurt again.

"I’m sure any person is gonna be confortable with you if you show them your interest to cope with your issues for the friendship sake and your own sake."

Problem is that I'm so intense and draining that even if I try my best not to be it still gets to people. I'm tired of hurting people I care about. I'm tired of either being numb (or close to it) or feeling things so intensely I can't control my reactions.

"Also, I’m sure they are gonna enjoy your richness and your qualities that I’m sure they are many."

If I ever let people see those qualities, sure. I make acquaintances ok, so there must be something interesting about me. I just need to get past the acquaintance part. Especially lately it feels impossible to not have an "episode of emotions" at least once a week, if not more, and before and after each "episode" I'm usually too down to be much of a friend because I have a hard time pretending that I'm ok when I'm not. It ends up being that I'm down or outright miserable for like 4-5 days out of the week and only have a couple days where I'm in a decent mood and able to be a friend.

Well I found out today what much of the drama was about thanks to an acquaintance in the group messaging me because he really wanted to tell someone. (Note that I did not ask for him to do so, but I'm not going to not ask him to do so either because I'm curious what the end results are.)

Apparently ex-friend (formerly referred to as friend #2) had gone to visit the co-leader IRL and they developed feelings for each other and the co-leader ended up breaking up with the leader as a result. The group is now splitting up. A lot of people are siding with the co-leader, despite from what I can gather she was in the wrong, but because they were so close to her (her group was basically it's own little clique within the main group) it's not entirely surprising. Ex-friend was also very popular and no doubt between the two of them they will get the most people in their new group.

This news makes me extremely happy that I got rid of the now ex-friend. Aside from him not being a good friend to me, now I know what kind of person he is. He's the kind of guy that breaks up relationships. It disgusts me to the point of making me feel physically ill.

I decided to tell friend #1 that I knew about the incident and wanted to know if he was going to leave with the co-leader or stay. I figured he'd leave honestly because he is friends with all of the people who left and afaik none of the ones who stayed. But nope, apparently he's going to be in both groups. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but that disgusts me too. I hate that a friend of mine wants anything to do with the group that left. I also don't like that he's choosing to be in both groups, but I'm not sure why I don't like that.

So it turns out I should have removed friend #1 as well, both for my sake and his. Tonight he told me that me going to ex-friend in the first incident to try to get info got him removed from the new group that ex-friend and his new lady made. Because of that, he can't tolerate being my friend anymore since I, his words, caused him to lose 30+ friends that he trusted. He said he wanted to tell me upfront instead of just removing me. I'm glad for that because him just disappearing would have been harder to handle probably and would have made it harder to move on, but this still hurts a ton.

This update comes a couple hours after the fact. I'm now at work. I'm still having a very hard time coping with the emotions from it. It seems so stupid too. I didn't know him very long, but I got this attached. He seemed like he would be a good friend for me. He didn't have a hard time being honest, was ok being upfront even when it hurt. Sure he was a bit mean sometimes, but I always knew he didn't mean to be and he said he would try not to pick at me at the wrong times anymore. I was able to talk to him about things and we fixed issues. All of that... trashed. One stupid mistake is all it takes.

The acquaintance I mentioned in the last post unfortunately had to play "guy in the middle" after now ex-friend #1 removed me. Ex-friend #1 decided it was appropriate to tell the acquaintance that he should try to talk to me "truthfully" and play games because I happened to mention that acquaintance did neither of those things and that's why he wasn't a suitable replacement friend. I then told acquaintance to tell ex-friend #1 to stop meddling and that he doesn't get to pretend to be a friend after this. A bit later acquaintance asks if I talked to ex-friend #1 and I said something like "no, I will never talk to him again, he's gone." Acquaintance then revealed that ex-friend #1 tried to re-add me as a friend on the chat program. Acquaintance sent me the quoted message which says "so I will ignore what she said and basically come back. you won, now we'll see how it goes." This just fills me with rage. How the fk does he figure he can just come and go? No. He does NOT have that power. I will NOT let him play with my emotions like that. HE LEFT. He does NOT get to come back. I made the exception ONE TIME for another friend and that relationship is still trashed - I can barely talk to that person without being reminded that he left me and could do so again. What I had with that person is gone, and the same would be true in this case too no doubt. We're both in a lot of pain right now so it's absolutely a horrible idea that we talk to each other ever again. He abandoned me. He's just another one of "those people" now, nothing can change that. Now he has to live with his choice.

This called my attention
It seems so stupid too. I didn't know him very long, but I got this attached. He seemed like he would be a good friend for me.

You already know that it’s part of our condition. It’s gonna happen again. You know we tend to have attechment to people too much fast.
Try to accept it and give it the real meaning.

I had a very bad experience and since then when I have to deal with an issue about a person, I only talk with the person himself. With noone else. It’s the fairest thing and that way you can avoid hurting people.

Ok. I see your point. You have suspicious of friend 1# trying to control you.
Let a little time passes. Maybe he’s a little confuse. But, you’re doing well, watching out.

You already know that it’s part of our condition. It’s gonna happen again. You know we tend to have attechment to people too much fast.
Try to accept it and give it the real meaning.

I'm not sure what you mean by "real meaning".

Yes, I am aware getting attached too fast is part of what we do... It's just so frustrating. I never mean as much to people as they mean to me and that alone hurts, and then when they leave... ugh. The only way it would ever be even is if I ever befriended another BPD person and I don't think I could handle being close to someone with as many emotional struggles as myself. We can be so unreasonable sometimes. >.<'

I had a very bad experience and since then when I have to deal with an issue about a person, I only talk with the person himself. With noone else. It’s the fairest thing and that way you can avoid hurting people.

I think you're referring to the mistake I made here? Yeah, I know better now, but when I'm in that highly curious mindset I seem to forget what is acceptable and what is not. Even with my long-time friend pointing out that it's not socially acceptable I still have a hard time understanding why it's such a big deal. All I know is that it wasn't good to do and it caused a lot of problems.

You have suspicious of friend 1# trying to control you.

I definitely don't think that, not sure where you got that from. My only concern with him was that he was a little mean at times when I wish he wasn't, but I think we had worked past that just before he got rid of me. Now though my concern is he's caught up in quantity > quality when it comes to friends and I don't want to just be a number.

Let a little time passes. Maybe he’s a little confuse. But, you’re doing well, watching out.

I'm much calmer now after venting here and to my longest friend, but I still don't know if I could stand to be friends with him again. I'm also worried that if he came back it would only be out of guilt, not because he actually wants to be friends. After talking to my longest friend about it he agreed that it would not be bad to forgive him and let him come back, but it would have to be under good terms, like no guilt, and some things would need to be worked out. We'd have to be able to forgive each other. I don't know if he can truly forgive me for what I did. On top of that, I'm not sure if I can just go back to being friends with someone who left me. I had someone come back once before and it was never the same. I have a very hard time talking to that person now, too scared I will do something to scare him off.

Overall it's probably best that he does not come back. As I said when I was considering removing him for his sake, I don't think I can be the friend he needs. I think I will mess up a lot more in ways he may not be able to tolerate and he would have to leave again. I miss him a lot though.

I think that the real meaning when we feel an early attachment to a person we barely know, has to do more with us than with the other person. We see an image of this person that is in our head. It has to do more with our need to depend on someone or look for validation.
This is how I see it.
What meaning do you give it?

When I said that maybe you felt friend 1# is trying to control you, I wasn’t very lucky with the language. As you got upset when he thought about friending you again. I implied you thought that he was trying to lead the relationship.
I think it’s soon to arrive to that conclusion. Sorry if I understood bad.

From what I’ve read from you seem pretty aware of what triggers you and also how you tend to react. I see it like a very important step. Not everyone is able to see it.
Since you mentioned that therapy is not an option, if you give me permission to pm you, I will give you a link to a doctor who has an you-tube channel and treats lots of aspects of bpd and gives several ways to work on it.

What meaning do you give it?

I'd say you're meaning is pretty accurate for me as well. I find when I think about these people I put them in a probably unrealistic light because that's what I hope from them, and even when I realize it's probably unrealistic I can't seem to help it.

I implied you thought that he was trying to lead the relationship.

Ahh, I see. Yeah, language barriers can be a bit tricky, similar to what I'm experiencing with him.

The reason I was upset about being re-friended so soon is because it seemed to me like he was just reacting out of feeling guilty for abandoning me because he knows what I have gone through with previous people, especially when the acquaintance was telling him how I was reacting.

After spending all last week away from him and having a lot of time to think, then after asking for thoughts from other people (including the acquaintance who was urging me to talk to him), I decided to re-add him and we had quite the talk. It turns out that him removing me had very little to do with me at all. He was very upset due to some issues IRL that he hadn't mentioned and so when this stuff happened on top of it he reacted by wanting to push me out along with all the other people he had to push out. The reason he re-added me after was because he realized that he had reacted wrongly and wanted to take it back. Apparently the ending of the friendship had just about the same effect on him as it did me, so while I feel bad that he went through that because I was afraid, it's also sort of a relief to know he feels that strongly about staying friends. At the same time it did hurt that he removed me in the first place, but I'm hoping I can get over that and not let it hold me back. We just need to keep working things out like we have been, keeping discussions open and limits made obvious.

Since you mentioned that therapy is not an option, if you give me permission to pm you, I will give you a link to a doctor who has an you-tube channel and treats lots of aspects of bpd and gives several ways to work on it.

You may do so.