Shame and Loneliness

This is my first post so I ask politely that people be kind. I am turning to the web to find a sense of community because I am a 31 year old female who basically has no friends and I rarely date. I really only interact with my mom and of course I still live at home. I've only had one successful relationship and it was almost 7 years ago. He passed away while I was dating him but that's a story for another time.
I feel so rejected and alone but I feel too bad about myself to try and make friends anymore. When I try, they always like me at first and then gradually stop communicating with me. The sad part is I never even know why but I've been called needy before. I feel so much shame from all the rejections that I can barely look people in the eye anymore. The more I pull away inward, the lonelier I get but my shame and low self esteem have gotten so bad that I feel unworthy of even being looked at or spoken to. I used to really try to make friends and date but I've realized no one wants to be around someone needy and depressed so I've given up. My therapist has suggested I try to join groups instead of focusing on individual relationships so the rejections don't hurt so much but the only thing worse that getting rejected by one person is having a whole group turn on you and talk crap about you behind your back.
My own family tells me I'm going to die alone and will be eating Chinese food on Christmas by myself some day. They had no empathy after my boyfriend died. They looked down on our relationship because he was older than me and struggled with homelessness and addiction. They make fun of how poor I am. I never could keep a job because my co-workers always decide they don't like me so I live in poverty. I also have narcolepsy which makes it almost impossible to hold down a job. My father never was around and my mother has had long term serious medical issues. I feel like I'm basically the female version of the movie character Gilbert Grape.
I've never felt loved by any of the people who are "supposed" to love you. I always get attached to friends and lovers too quickly because of this love deficit in my life and it ends up repelling everyone. The more closeness I want, the more I'm turned away. The nicer I try to be, the less people seem to respect me. I just feel like a big joke sometimes.
Is there truly any hope with Borderline Personality or is it a lifetime sentence for social isolation? The last few times I've sought out company I've gotten taken advantage of by some very dangerous people just looking for someone screwed up like me to exploit. My judgement is so bad. I'm so afraid that the whole world hates me I'm afraid to even post this on here. I'd like to say I want to make friends on here but I don't expect anyone to like me once they get to know me so I'll settle for friendly advice/guidance. I have been diagnosed with this disease for 12 years I don't see it getting better. Is it just some big lie that it actually gets better some day? I'm close to giving up and becoming a recluse

Hello BorderlineBabe: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I see you posted this in the BPD forum. One other forum that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

You also mentioned having narcolepsy. Here's a link to the sleep issues forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/slee...nterpretation/

Here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of living with BPD:

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/b...ng-with/?all=1

And then here are links to some other articles you may find to be of interest:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-feel-lost/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/feelin...g-opportunity/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/so-you...-never-expect/

One thing I always like to mention to new members who write they're looking to make friends or find a sense of community, here on PC, is that things tend to move quickly here. Sometimes it can take a bit of time to become known. But there is a lot of support that can be available here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where, once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved, you'll have the opportunity to interact with other members in real time. Here's a link to the community calendar:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/calendar.php

So please keep posting! My best wishes to you...

Hi BorderlineBabe and welcome to PC!

Yeah, I was that way for many years--up to when I was 45 or thereabouts. I finally met a man who was willing to take me on. He has MS and is not the standard good-looking body type. But he has a kind heart and has gone to bat for me many times. We've been married 7 years.

So it's possible...but when we first met I just wanted someone to have fun with. I wish I could I loved myself at that time, but I didn't.

Support groups are actually good places to meet people and talk about things. Two organizations are NAMI and DBSA. You might check with your therapist or look them up online.

Thanks for sharing that, Fharraige! It helps to hear encouragement from people who understand. I've been thinking of joining a support group lately and you mentioned that too so perhaps that's a good place to start.

I hope coming to this place helps you. I find that writing my thoughts or feelings and connecting with other compassionate people is therapeutic. We are here to listen.

Are you doing DBT. I had it later in life but at your age it can really turn your life around.

Do you've money to visit a therapist that does Dialectical behavior therapy? It will get better if you somehow manage to get treatment. My family tells me I will end up begging, but I am aiming for med school despite my mental health issues, so yes I understand the feeling.

I hope too that posting here helps you. There are many compassionate people here who are good listeners

And as others have stated, DBT has good results for many people if this is accessible to you.

I hope you keep posting

Thank you! I keep meaning to look into DBT. It’s my understanding I can work on it on my own with a workbook.

Yes, I am receiving DBT. I have been for almost 5 years now. I feel like I should be getting better in some way. I still haven't had the guts to go to a support group. All I can think of is potential rejection and more loneliness. Too scary...