Doing it for attention... sometimes I do

If I'm honest, sometimes I DO do certain things for attention.

I think we've all heard the phrase, "Oh, he/she is just doing it for attention." I get what they mean, but I hate this phrase. It's as if needing/wanting attention is shameful. Ummm... we're human beings! Humans are generally social creatures. We NEED attention.

Here's where I understand that "just doing it for attention" is not healthy... when someone is doing something like self-harming just for the attention. Yes we deserve and need attention, but of course self-harming is not a healthy way to go about getting it and I certainly do not condone or recommend it.

I'm just saying that in the past, yes, I have self-harmed because I wanted someone to notice and "take care of me." Now, not ALL the time. Plenty of times I genuinely did it in attempt to numb emotional pain and did not want anyone to know. But other times I DID want (certain) people to notice. People I wanted to take care of me and nurture me. To see my pain. (Again, I know there are other, healthier ways to go about getting these needs met, but just being honest about my past habits). And I see this with some of my other friends who have BPD. One of them has a provider at her local urgent care center that she's obsessed with an attached to. I'm pretty sure a big part of the reason she has been SH'ing lately is because she knows she can go see this person at urgent care to get stitches. One time she even asked me to come to her appointment to get her stitches out just so I could meet this person.

And of course this attention-seeking behavior can be done in other ways. Crying in groups and being "overly dramatic." Telling "war stories" of their past abuse, or "poor me" stories. Some people might even fake panic attacks. Now, I will say that thinking of these people doing these things in this way really frustrates me and makes me angry. Why? I think partly because I know that I've done similar things in the past and still have a lot of urges to. But I hold back because I feel a lot of shame around it. People make it seem like "just doing it for attention" is this horrible, shameful thing. And again, I know it's not healthy to get those needs met in the ways I described above, but I wish we could move away from viewing having needs as being a bad/shameful thing and focus more on what we can do to help these people, including me, get their needs met in healthier ways instead of shaming them for their actions. I don't think that's helpful. For me, as someone who experienced a lot of emotional neglect as a child and missed out on having a LOT of my childhood emotional needs met, I think it makes perfect sense that I would have these particular needs that I have, which perhaps are greater than the general population who does not have BPD.

Behind the actions that some people "just do for attention" is a lot of pain and hurt and unmet needs that we deserve to get met. So I've been trying to keep that in mind lately when I see other people doing this, because it does still get me upset sometimes (also maybe part of the reason I get upset is because I see the attention get turned away from me... for example, if a person is crying in a group therapy session and I see a therapist go over to comfort them, I get jealous that that other person is getting the comfort that I want and need... What if there's not enough nurture left over for me?

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post. Maybe I just want some validation that I'm not a bad person for sometimes "doing things for attention" or even just having the urge to. Again, not condoning behavior that's counter-productive to treatment or getting well, but just recognizing a pattern and trying not to shame people for it. Trying to keep in mind the pain that that person is probably experiencing, and thinking about new, healthier ways to get those needs met.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Thanks.

I definitely do some things for attention and I hate myself so much when I realize that's what I'm doing. I never start out intentionally seeking at least... Just today I did such a thing, only to realize about half way through what I was doing. I wanted that person to say he cared about me. He didn't. By the time I noticed what I was doing I was committed to being a monster, so I just kept going until conversation naturally died off. I still didn't get what I was hoping out of it either, all I did was hurt the person and myself by acting that way.

I don't think it makes us bad people to want validation. I think what's bad though is when we hurt people because of this need or even hurt ourselves. Sometimes it goes too far. We need to try to be aware of it and not hurt people or ourselves in an attempt to satisfy this need. It's easier said than done sometimes though, especially when we're so emotionally driven and can't think as logically.

I was neglected and abused as a child. For many years i would try to get attention from outside sources. I wrecked a lot of relationships that way, both romantic and friendship wise.

In therapy I realized that it was because I didn't know how to meet my own emotional needs. I basically had to reparent myself--work on fulfilling that hole I had that wasn't filled by my parents. It took a few years, but now I don't *need* to rely on other people to feel loved. I like to be around people but I don't have to get attention from them anymore.

I suffered emotional neglect and abuse as a child and have been meaning to look into reparenting. I love the concept but don't know what exactly to do or how to start, what it involves, etc. Do you have any good book recommendations or other sources of information for how to go about reparenting oneself? I'm glad that it has been helpful for you! And that gives me hope for myself.

My favorite book on this is Homecoming by John Bradshaw. If you can find the audio book it's better because he does all the meditations so you don't have to record them yourself.

I'm sure there's other ones but I like this one.

I was neglected and abused as a child . I dislike that phrase “attention seeking” - it’s demeaning. I don’t know of any human who needs no “attention”. It’s usually the smart *** Narcissists and other up themselves imo who label people with garbage such as “weak” and “attention seeking” ... naturally they are never attention seeking ... and are ALWAYS “strong” ...

I was guilty of all the above. From threatening suicide, to self-harm to over dramatizing events, all in the name of having someone show me I am worth their time, effort and emotional energy. To be that one special person held in their mind and heart. Childhood emotional neglect and abuse leaves a gaping hole in that person that is so painful it causes them to risk their own lives to get it filled. I am not a kid anymore. I am 50 and I still do manipulative behaviors to get my needs met but not on a grand scale. I no longer self-harm or threaten suicide as I have been reparented by a therapist just as messed up as me. Now at my age I am trying to be the best adult self I possibly can be to navigate through the rest of my life without so much mental anguish.

That hits home for me. Always wanting to be cared for, and for that person who cares for me to be solely mine. These are the people I attach to... women who are slightly older than I am and whom I find beautiful. A mother figure to try to fill the void. Sometimes I find myself doing unhealthy/risky behaviors (like having unprotected sex) not because I can't resist doing them or because I'm stupid, but because I want to tell my therapist (depending on the therapist) that I did this stupid thing and then I want them to tell me not to do those things. I'll take even that "negative" attention, because I guess to me it is just another way for someone to show that they care about me.

Yes! Negative attention is still attention and when you're craving it negative or positive you'll take it. What happens for you if therapist doesn't respond how you wish? Can you handle that or does the behavior continue to spiral?

I would say it bothers me for sure. And it leads usually to me doing DIFFERENT behaviors... if the first one didn't work, I try a different one. Or, try the original one again, but in a more extreme way. It really is a cycle. And I don't know how to get out of it. Whenever I do a maladaptive/unhealthy behavior that garners a response that makes me feel cared for, that reinforces that behavior and I keep doing it. And when I don't get the kind of response I wanted, I try something else. I've been told that I can get care and attention from people -- I can get my needs met -- in healthier ways, but I just haven't discovered those ways yet. I guess it starts with me identifying my needs? And then identifying healthy alternatives to get them met? I feel like I've tried some healthy things in the past but it just didn't have the same effect. There's something about holding onto this "sick identity" that comforts me. Who am I without my mental illnesses? What is it like to live without mental illness? I've never really known. And the unknown is scary. Ever since I went to residential treatment a few years ago, I adopted this sick identity and I've held onto it ever since. The vast majority of the friends I have now are friends from treatment and the therapy world. And I digress -- this gets into the identity criterion of BPD, which is a whole other topic in and of itself.

Yeah. Just frustrating. Because on the one hand I love getting this negative attention. It feels good. But there's also that small part of me that knows that if I'm ever going to recover from BPD, I need to work on letting go of those behaviors and getting my needs met in other ways. Just so hard to let go

Right....what is it that you really like from someone when you do one of your things for attention? Is it the soft caring voice or the way they might take control of the situation or is it that all your responsibilities are put on hold like school, work, chores, for the time being?

You can say to that person. "I really like it when you comfort me. It makes me feel I matter and am important."

I am learning how to lay the ground work on how to get my needs met from my husband from my therapist and he said when he does something that satisfied a need like laying down with me to watch TV, say the words of what you like and how it makes you feel because people can be emotional dumb dumbs and not really know what you need.

Ahh thank you. This has given me some things to think about. I'm not often sure what I need. Or I think I know what I need but am too vague about it or don't know what exactly about the attention is the helpful part. I will reflect on this. Thank you! It sounds like you are doing some good work.