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Trig Jul 08, 2018 at 01:04 AM
  #1
(Beware of abandonment and suicide triggers within.)

Just another rant here, no advice required.

Recently I've been feeling a strong desire to isolate myself. Having friends and getting hurt is too tiresome. I feel worn out from trying so hard to make things work. At the same time I so strongly want a good relationship with people because it makes me happy when I do have that. I feel like this disorder won't let me have it though.

It's been getting worse as the year goes on. Half way through the year I lost 4 people I considered friends. Two I don't really miss. One came back. One that hasn't come back and probably won't is really screwing with my head. He helped me through a tough time when I had lost someone else I was close to. Not only did he provide support for me during that time, he even tried to help me with my BPD issues. Walls of text emails and he actually read them and responded, and with good responses too, not just "ok, I hear you" type things. He challenged me to be a better person without being mean. He even tried to find games we could play together despite our very different tastes. But then... He decided to vanish. Long story short I ended up pinning him down after I basically went insane due to a dream I had where we were friends again and he said things were going rough for him IRL so he decided it was best to just cut everyone out of his life that might talk to him, and that included me. "Sometimes friends naturally part ways" he said. True, they do, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I thought he cared. He seemed to. No one has ever gone through that much trouble to try to help me. But he's gone, and so easily too, like I meant nothing. I can't shake that if someone like him can leave, what will stop anyone else?

I messed up today and let my horrible mood and my fear drive a conversation with the friend who came back recently. He made the mistake of saying "friends are friends", that there's no difference, after I asked him how he views friends. What triggered me asking was that he mentioned having new friends and they wanted to play with him so I could not until another day, which was said just 2 days after having him back after a week and a day of not having him, and I'm definitely not recovered from that yet. I have no right to keep him from having other friends or hobbies, but of course I'm jealous. I feel like I just got him back and he's already leaving me behind. I've been in this internal panic that he's going to leave because I'm not fun enough/have too many problems/any reason under the sun. And it's true, he could leave for any possible reason and I cannot prevent it.

Part of the problem is of course that these are online friendships. "Normal" people don't view them the same way I do. I truly value my online friends, but of course they're all I have, which is unusual too. I've exhausted what few resources I have IRL to find new friends. I can barely make online ones nowadays. This is all I can manage.

All of that in mind is what keeps me wishing I could just isolate. I'd still be miserable alone, but maybe it would be easier over time and then no one could abandon me. There'd be no risk of anyone being sad if I finally got the courage to off myself. Maybe it would be better overall than this constant desire for someone to care about me the way I care for them.

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Smile Jul 09, 2018 at 10:43 AM
  #2
I wish you peace...

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:49 AM
  #3
Thanks for posting this. It helped me to feel less alone with how I feel. I also feel constantly afraid of being rejected/abandoned, and it ties in with a total lack of self-esteem because I feel like no one wants me around with my negative stuff. I can't even explain myself right now.

I just wanted to thank you for being brave and posting that because you helped another person, even if it was just in the tiniest way.

Ashley xx
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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 10:34 PM
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Aww, you're welcome. I'm glad my rant could help someone. x3

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 10:45 PM
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I’m sending fuzzy hugs if wanted..

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:00 PM
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But... caring for someone else... can get annoying at times, cant it? Then what do you do? Youre stuck.

I know this is my parents voice in my head, but i never found a good answer to it.
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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:34 PM
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I’m sending fuzzy hugs if wanted..

Fuzzy hugs are the best kind. x3

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:39 PM
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Fuzzy hugs are the best kind. x3

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:41 PM
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But... caring for someone else... can get annoying at times, cant it? Then what do you do? Youre stuck.

I know this is my parents voice in my head, but i never found a good answer to it.
Indeed, caring for someone else can be absolutely draining when we have so little to give ourselves. I had to tell someone else recently that I can't be the friend he needs since I can't even be proper support for myself, let alone another person who won't even help me help them... I felt so bad saying that, because I know what it's like to need someone, but I had to be honest with him about it. It will save us both a lot of pain in the future.

Edit: But also I do enjoy having someone to care about who I don't feel will want to die if I say the wrong thing (that's just too much pressure). I love caring about my other friend for example. He's pretty with it as far as mental health goes so he doesn't need me, but I can still feel like I'm helping if I cheer him up and toss cuddles at him.

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:52 PM
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Indeed, caring for someone else can be absolutely draining when we have so little to give ourselves. I had to tell someone else recently that I can't be the friend he needs since I can't even be proper support for myself, let alone another person who won't even help me help them... I felt so bad saying that, because I know what it's like to need someone, but I had to be honest with him about it. It will save us both a lot of pain in the future.

Edit: But also I do enjoy having someone to care about who I don't feel will want to die if I say the wrong thing (that's just too much pressure). I love caring about my other friend for example. He's pretty with it as far as mental health goes so he doesn't need me, but I can still feel like I'm helping if I cheer him up and toss cuddles at him.
This is an interesting thread, thanks for sharing. If it wasn’t so far past my bed time I might post more

Tossing another bear hug to you (and everyone on this forum)


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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:53 PM
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But... caring for someone else... can get annoying at times, cant it? Then what do you do? Youre stuck.

I know this is my parents voice in my head, but i never found a good answer to it.
I sometimes wonder if we have the same parental units ..

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Default Jul 21, 2018 at 11:58 PM
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This is an interesting thread, thanks for sharing. If it wasn’t so far past my bed time I might post more

Tossing another bear hug to you (and everyone on this forum)


Thanks. x3 Get some good rest! We'll be here when you wake up.

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