Drowning in Shame Over MMPI Results

I had to take the MMPI for this one clinic that I went to for therapy. They make all of their clients take it during the intake. My results said I was malingering ("faking bad") on some parts. It also said some of my responses were consistent with people who view mental illness as a human flaw/weakness. And as someone who is defensive and hard to treat.

I feel so incredibly ashamed for "lying." I didn't think I was lying. And the fact that I apparently view mental illness as a personality flaw or whatever. I never was aware of that before taking the MMPI and I've been someone who has taken part in mental health awareness clubs and events and whatnot and I've publicly opened up about some of my mental illness struggles because I believe in trying to end the stigma. But now that I think about it, maybe I do feel like it's a shameful thing because when one of my termination reports for therapy said that I still was only in "partial remission" from my eating disorder, I was so horrified and offended and angry and ashamed. I felt not good enough. Like I hadn't done enough work. Now I think there was more that played into those feelings, such as not feeling understood or heard or believed. But still. Now I can't help but think of myself as a terrible person. (***But of note, I've also been one to WANT a diagnosis... to feel validated I guess. I was so relieved when I got diagnosed with BPD, for example.) But I also do feel like I don't see mental illness as a personality flaw or human weakness in OTHER people. Maybe just in myself (but I didn't think I did? But I don't know now. I can't outsmart the MMPI I feel like... it has too much validity to it and research to support it).

I've never felt so much shame in my life. I've tried so hard to come up with excuses as to why I got the results that I did. One of them being the fact I have ADHD and the MMPI is so ******* long... hundreds of questions... that I must have just gotten tired and started not caring about my results and just answering things without giving them much thought because I couldn't focus for nearly that long. But I think I read online somewhere that the MMPI accounts for that kind of thing. I don't know. I try so hard to reconcile with this but end up always coming back to the fact that I must just be an intrinsically bad person and there's no way I can escape that. I can't escape myself.

I don't know how to deal with this shame. It's debilitating. If anyone has any suggestions for how to cope with this, please share. Thank you.

The MMPI is a ridiculously outdated and biased tool - riddled with assumptions and flaws - it's also widely misused to 'assess' things it was never designed for - I wouldn't read too much into it.

maybe this will help in psych terms malingering doesnt necessarily mean you are faking it. it can also mean the phrase lying by omission. if you hesitated answering of if you have changed your answers more than the number the test allows (there is a scale built into diagnostic evaluations that measure how many erasures, changes are made, a certain number is allowed for those accidental oops marked that one when i meant to mark the one above or below vs the changes where someone is second guessing how much they want to disclose about yourself, the test is supposed to be done as fast as you can not really reading more into the questions, just top of the head spontaneous answers. when some on changes more amount of questions beyond what the test allows and you dont know how many you can get away with its marked malingering as in this person is second guessing their self, hesitating and possibly trying trying to manipulate the outcome of the tests.)

the good thing about psych evals is they dont diagnose by their self. it just gives the treatment provider areas that you may need work on. for diagnosis theres much more involved with it besides doing the MMPI.

if you feel the results are not what you feel it should have been talk with the therapist you end up with and arrange for a re test.

I agree that I wouldn't read too much into the results of the MMPI. For instance, intelligent people tend to score high on the schizophrenia subscale even though they're not anywhere close to being schizophrenic. I certainly wouldn't let a test like that change how I view myself.

It can be good to look at the test results and ask yourself honestly if it applies to you. But if you decide it doesn't apply to you, ignore it. You know yourself far better than any test.

It's not unusual for people to not see stigma in other people's mental illness but to feel ashamed and bad about their own mental illness. One thing I've worked on in therapy is being as kind to myself as I am to other people.

I think you are being much too hard on yourself. I bet many people get results that indicate they view mental illness as a weakness. We all internalize the biases of whatever culture we live in, and mental illness is stigmatized throughout the world. So while you know that prejudice against mental illness is wrong on a rational level, it is possible you subconsciously harbor negative feelings about it, particularly if you have shame over your own mental health struggles. What matters is how you act, and you indicate that you behave in ways that seek to lessen the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Thank you all. What you've said is helpful. I'm trying to keep in mind too the innocent little girl I see when I look at baby/child pictures of myself. How could there be anything inherently "bad" about her? She had a difficult childhood and grew up in a family that shamed her for the smallest things and mistakes. She grew up thinking that she was not good enough in almost all aspects of her life and in almost everything she did. She grew up in fear. In an emotionally neglectful and abusive environment. The first mental illness that showed up in my life (at least the symptoms were apparent) was trichotillomania. I pulled my hair out and I was shamed for it. I was made to be embarrassed about it. My parents called it a bad habit and threatened to take away privileges if I couldn't stop. No one knew it was a mental illness. So I internalized it as something wrong with me. But it wasn't. It was a mental illness that developed and I used it to cope. That little innocent girl must still be in me. There's got to be more to me than just the beliefs that were instilled in my head as I grew up. Maybe I can work through this stuff enough and get to a point where the traits of the innocent little girl... who was funny and feisty and sweet and brave and resilient... come back to the surface. Young children are so innocent. We're shaped by society and environment, but I like to think that that innocent child, before she was "poisoned" by society and unfortunate environmental circumstances, is still inside of me and is the "true me."

Anyway. Just trying to further comfort myself I guess. But thank you guys <3 What you said has helped me take a step back and look at things non-judgmentally.