Am I a bad person?

A year ago I had never heard of BPD. I considered myself to be a good person.

Now I see more and more traits of mine that are borderline. Most recently I realized that I'm vindictive when someone hurts me. You stab me with a pocket knife and I'll return it with a sword.

I've manipulated people my whole life without realizing it. I argue relentlessly and cant walk away. I get over jealous. Now I'm vindictive.

What if I've always been a terrible person and just never realized it? Look on the internet and there are a million sources talking about how cluster bs are mean and hurtful people.

I am working hard in therapy to treat BPD. I was told there is a chance I can be relieved of symptoms. The more I work on, the more problems I find, the more guilty i feel.

Has anyone ever asked themselves if they are a terrible person? And if I am, what if I cant fix it?

Well... I've been a terrible person by pretty-much anyone's standards (including my own.) I have thought that when I was younger it's possible I might have been diagnosable as having had BPD. (I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as a person ages.) But I'll never know for sure. At the time I was engaged in being such a bad person, I didn't realize how much damage I was doing. It's only as I've aged that I've come to understand how bad it was. And it's too late to do anything about any of it. I try to be better now. And, to some extent, I think I am. (Sometimes, though, I wonder if I'm still fooling myself.) But nowadays I just keep almost entirely to myself. So there aren't opportunities to be bad or good for the most part. (I consider it to be my gift to the world... or at least that tiny part of it I inhabit.)

Can you fix it? Well... you wrote you're working hard in therapy. So that's one great step in the right direction! The fact that you have the self-awareness you have is also a most positive sign. So... sure... I believe you can fix it. You may or may not be able to repair whatever damage you've done in the past. (In my case it was all so long ago it's simply too late now.) The key I think is to do what you can to repair whatever damage you may have done in the past, to the extent you are able. The rest you simply have to learn to accept as something that happened. It's in the past now & there's nothing you can do to change that. But what you can do, what you are doing presumably, is to learn more skillful ways of living in the world day-to-day. No one can expect more of you than that (including yourself) I believe.

I typed out a reply but the internet ate it.

I don’t think people with BPD are necessarily “mean and hurtful” - I think that’s a stigmatising lie.

And I can’t stand people who verbally stab me deliberately . Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so



I think it’s good that you’re self aware and recognising your patterns and behaviours that you want to change. This means that you have a good chance of changing them imo

I also think you have the “strength” of “character” to change them.

Not everyone with Cluster B disorders are self aware

Or 'manipulative'

I agree with that too..I’m not “manipulative” ..

A person can do some bad things, and that doesn’t make them a bad person. They most likely do some good things too.

What does someone have to do for you to consider them so bad that they are a “bad person”? It’s a matter of opinion.

We can all probably agree that someone who is a serial killer who takes joy in doing such evil deeds, even if they may rescue stray animals, they’d still be thought of as a bad person.

BPD tends to have black and white thinking. But people aren’t all good or all bad. We are all a bit of both.

To be clear on manipulation, I didnt realize I was doing it. My therapist said that without malicious intent, it is just finding a way to get my needs met. Though if I'm being honest, sometimes I had a mean intent, but those people had upset me. Vindictive manipulation? Good grief.

I think most people would say I'm a good person. I know I have a good heart. But I think its important to be honest about my faults.

I'm also sorry if I implied all BPDs are like me or are bad people. I dont feel that way at all. This is only about how I feel about myself right now.

There’s the expression, “Don’t get mad, get even”. So you really did it. Did it work? Did it make you feel good? Did you get away with it? Did anyone get really hurt?

These are just questions for you to ponder. You don’t have to say.

I’d bet a lot of people would get revenge if they could get away with it not coming back to bite them. When someone does us wrong, we all feel really angry and hurt. I’ve fantasized getting revenge when I am first hurt by someone’s malicious injury to me, but never acted on it. Just the thought give me some pleasure TBH.

Thank you for this post. It gave me a lot to think about. I dont know how I feel about my revenge situation. I dont feel good about it, but I dont necessarily feel bad about it either. I tolerate a lot from people and I was just done.

I sometimes will write out an apology that never gets sent. Other times I just feel relieved all the crap is over.

So I guess my conclusion is that I am neither a good person nor a bad person. Just a person who is doing the best they can, despite bumps along the road.

As a person myself who has a lot of borderline traits I dont consider myself good or bad. I can take revenge out on people who have betrayed me and feel nothing depending on the circumstances. Then again I can feel horrible guilt and shame in other circumstances.

I can take A LOT of hurt from people and remain calm, however I have a breaking point that can turn me into an evil ***** from hell. My intentions are often genuine and honest not manipulative however I also know how easy it is to be manipulative and get away with it. I do manipulate when I feel I have to be however not as a rule.

When I feel bad about something I did knowing I hurt another intentionally, I'm full of self shame and hate. When I feel justified nothing can make me feel shame. Sometimes I enjoy intimidating others others times I dont.

I have a huge heart for people who dont **** with me and a heart of black for those who do
I forgive quickly most times however I can also hold a grudge for years and feel content about it. I cant compare to circumstances with another and why I am the way I am, even if I do have BPD my behavior and how I think and feel will never be like the next. I'm neither ashamed or happy with how this disorder ****s with me emotionally as I often feel as though I dont have control.

Everything is great until hell breaks loose and usually without trigger warnings. I have pinpointed many of my trigger points now, however I also have PTSD from childhood trauma on top of bpd, prolly cluster b. I'm a beautiful hot mess, I cant control or change most of my behavior however I can accept it and live the best life with what I have and who I am. Not good, not bad, just me and that is enough.

I can relate to much of this, and isn’t this normal?

What’s “normal”

Is “normal” “good” or “bad”?

Just a random post.. not feeling talkative....

both

I don't relate to what it's like being a person who has what others (therapists, DSM, etc.) have descrived as having BPD. I do relate to the notion of having (had) a personality disorder. Although I can intellectually see and say that everybody has both good and bad characteristics, I do not feel that way about people. It took me a long time to "get in touch" with that feeling -- far, far too long IMO ("It takes as long as it takes". B***s**t.) and with far too many therapists re-traumatizing me and putting roadblocks in my way.

Feeling-wise, people who have hurt me are BAD. Therapists are BAD. Their professon has been BAD, at least for me and in my case, because the people and their methods have used and exploited the vulnerabilities that I went into therapy with.

That's something important for me to know.

When I ask myself the question "Am I bad" and show up to therapy, only to be shamed and rejected for the very issues that brought me there -- the "badness" in that situation is not limited to me. There's something very bad about a mental health system that describes certain disorders and then shames people for them.

Nobody in this thread is a bad person

(apart from the member who made this exact post that you are reading now)

Hi Anonymous,

I have heard time and time again how BPD is associated with manipulative behavior.

Personally, I don't see myself as manipulative. I am human though. All humans are capable of any kind of behavior, not just Cluster B's. There is a lot of stigma around cluster B's because the industry and psychological profession seems to have trouble treating it. I think they confuse BPD with Complex PTSD and when their treatment modalities fail and they retraumatize clients, they don't look at how their own failure to treat clients leads them to react in ways that any human being would.

Be honest with yourself about your own behavior. If you think you are being manipulative, allow the guilt and shame to change your behavior. Tell yourself it is okay and move on if you can. Self awareness is the first step in change.

If you are not manipulative, don't believe the lies that others spew or try to get you to believe. They are not true. We sensitive types believe what others say about us because we struggle to have our own stable foundation and core identity. It is easily shaken and because we are usually empaths, it is easy for us to get caught up in shame and self doubt.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Good post, thanks for sharing this, hugs to all in this thread

It sounds like you’re doing a lot of self reflection and growing right now. This sounds healthy to me, for what it’s worth as I’m not an expert... It hurts to see the truth in ourselves and it’s hard. I agree with your therapist that you’ve likely been doing the best you know how to have your own needs met. Now you’re seeing there’s a better way. If you were a “bad” person, you wouldn’t be feeling upset about all this and you wouldn’t care to change.