What BPD feels like for me

As someone who has deep intense emotions I still have difficulty articulating my feelings verbally for various reasons, some are attached with BPD others are part of another side of my cognitive personally process.

I'm going to try and express what is going on inside the mind of a borderline or at least give a small picture of how it feels and effects me emotionally and physically. Because I don't know how much space I will need I will continue below. Please keep in mind this is my own personal experience and can't be compared with another.

First I want to say I have never been to a specialist or Dr. about my many traits of BPD. I"ve done all my own research, books, articles, some online stuff also.

As an individual with many BPD traits my personality divides the good and the bad in myself and in others by the process of splitting. I don't see people as black and white, the man/woman I hate and love can be perceived as two different people, I will then be able to love/hate with impunity so therefore I will split.

I tend to live a fragmented moment to moment life, actively cutting off the emotional links between what would otherwise become chaotic, contradictory, highly frustrating and frightening emotional experiences. Although I feel both love and hate I can never bring them together for fear that the bad is going to poison the good. And threatened with the unbearable guilt and anxiety such imagined destruction would bring, I may love you on Mondays and Thursdays and alternate Saturdays, but I will not do both simultaneously, split.

I am very unstable in my moods and in my relationships. I am often impulsive ( this thread for example )and physically self damaging. Here is where it gets foggy. I don't self harm like cutting or hurting myself physically, however I will self harm in other ways . Keep in mind much of this only happens when anger sets in. I'm not always angry, however when I am it is explosive.

Sometimes I find it hard to be alone, not to be confused with needing a crowd. Because of my behavior I come across as extroverted however I am more of an introvert than extrovert. I love my alone time and NEED IT in order to regain energy. Then there are moments of clinging on for dear life to a person as if I will die without them. Fear of abandonment. BPD is a product of our environment, people are not born with BPD. Children with an unstable past are more likely to develop BPD than those who come from stable functioning homes. I didn't have a good start in life, I"m not playing victim, I'm accepting my childhood played every part in why I am who I am today.

Back to splitting for a second. My biggest outstanding trait is the splitting which lets me tolerate profound contradictions in my thoughts and my deeds with different aspects of my self disconnected, like separate Islands from each other. I also have Identity issues, I don't know who I am. So because of this I go through life changing and interchanging trying to fill this empty void I feel strongly inside.

My moods are over the top, I can go from mad to sad to happy to crying all within a short time. I can also be that mean girl who everyone hates, and although this isn't a nice trait to have, it directly derives from being able to read people so well. I read an article that those with BPD are champs at reading people and feeling others emotions deeply. Because of this my go to place is calling people out on BS which can get me into deep trouble if I cross the wrong person ( a boss for example ).

I don't always have control over my behavior however I can and do have control when in a structured no stress setting.

There so much more I could go into however I can't really articulate it at this moment, I need time to think about the wording.

Lastly, being a separate self is a most glorious most lonely proposition. Loving oneself is nice but....incomplete. Separateness is sweet but connection with someone outside of ourselves is sweeter. Our daily existence requires both closeness and distance, the wholeness of self the wholeness of intimacy. For the person with BPD our perception of self is skewed, we are never good enough so surely we won't fit the mold of what it means to be loved unconditionally. Also because we feel like love is only for other people, we purposely disconnect from relationships thinking we are not deserving. That is the fear of rejection + abandonment. People with BPD are capable of deep love and affection with the right person. That said expect your world to be upside down during moments of anger, fear and despair and rejection.

Thanks for sharing your BPD experiences.