BPD Sucks and I'm Terrified to Lose The Diagnosis

I know I'm not the only one who feels scared at the thought of "losing" my BPD diagnosis. But at the same time... this disorder is effing sucks!!! But I can't imagine my life without it. It makes me feel special. I've been in DBT for over a year now and I think I've made some progress. I haven't been formally re-assessed for BPD since first receiving the diagnosis about a year and a half ago. But for YEARS before I got the official diagnosis, I *knew* I had it and tried desperately to get people to believe me. Now that I have the diagnosis, I don't want to let it go. It's MINE. Finally. And I don't think it's just about the label... who will I be without my symptoms? What will make me special? What will get me attention? I imagine I'll feel like I've been excommunicated from a special group. Sigh. And I also have the feeling that "recovering" (or however you prefer to term it) from BPD is something that I should work towards. So how do you guys get passed this fear of losing the diagnosis? Or is it something that naturally fades the more recovered you become? (I imagine that this issue is related to the identity criterion of BPD... it has become my identity, so without it, it seems like I'll be nothing... but I guess part of recovery includes finding your "true" identity or building a new one for yourself...).

For me, I just imagine all the pain I won't have if I could get rid of this disorder. I don't want to cause myself unnecessary pain. I don't want to hurt people I care about. I don't want to be irrational every single time I get emotional. I don't like this sort of "special" - I want to be special for the good things I offer that will make people actually value me.

Yes, part of recovery does mean finding your true identity. Who is kiwi215? Not what others say, but what you say and what you want to be. BPD is part of you... for now, until you defeat it and become stronger without it.

I wish I had been dxed when I was in my early twenties. I would have had some answers instead of shaming myself for my BPD behavior. Not excusing bad behavior and blaming it on a personality disorder; but an understanding of why would have been life changing. I would love to not have BPD. My life would have been so different. I do like how many things in my life have turned out because of BPD... my children for one.

I completely understand. There are negative aspects of BPD and there are positives. The diagnosis has helped me understand so much of who I am and how my brain works. Its comforting in many ways. Should I ever not meet criteria, I will forever identify with BPD because it has shaped my life.

That's an interesting way to look at it. I'm going to type that out in the notes in my phone so I remember it and can say it to myself when I need to.

I think I need to remember that whether or not I meet criteria, it is true that I will always have had BPD, and no longer meeting criteria doesn't erase everything in my life that has happened because of BPD. My struggles still will have been real and valid. Thank you.

I wish I knew. With the way my brain works, I tend to let other people's views of me shape my own view of myself. Big time. The vast majority of the thoughts I have about myself have been formed by how I think other's perceive me. I just don't trust myself. My own judgment. Why would my thoughts about myself be accurate? I just have this core belief that how I view myself is distorted. It just is. It's not to be trusted. So I look to other people to help me conceptualize my identity, which has caused a lot of overwhelming shame and disgust and disappointment. And if I have the sense that others see me in a positive light, then my first thought is that I must've fooled them. I've been lying to them unintentionally. Putting on some fake persona that makes me seem better than I am. And then I feel shame for being "fake." Ugh It's such a strong, deeply held belief. I don't know how to challenge that. It seems no amount of logical thinking or logical counterarguments will convince me otherwise.