Why do I feel like this when something good happens?

My life has been a nightmare the last couple of months. Unemployment, starvation, chronic illness, family issues, solitude, you name it. I'm going to be honest here, I'm almost 30 and I have zero friends. I had a few when I was younger but that was it, I always felt like an outsider and was never one to make a lot of friends. Fast forward to now, here I am, chronically ill, disabled, spending most of my days at home all by myself reading, having almost no human interaction... and then I meet someone (I'm not going to specify how because it doesn't really matter.) For the first time in my life I've been going on dates and it's been so nice, I like this person. The problem is I feel like I don't deserve them. This person is too popular, has a lot of friends, isn't socially awkward, the opposite of me. I imagined meeting this person's friends and them hating me because of how socially awkward I am. Most people perceive it as me being a b*itch when in fact I'm just struggling to comunicate and I don't know how to do it. Deep down inside I long to talk to people but I don't know how to interact with humans, it's always so awkward...
Maybe I'm putting much thought into it, maybe this person will most likely get tired of me, because that's what always happens, and I won't hear from them again so I'm probably getting worked up for no reason. I just don't understand why am I like this? Why can't I enjoy the time I spend with this person? Why is it such a big issue to interact with other people? Why do I want them to like me so much? Why am I so afraid to act awkward in front of them and then be made fun of? Does anyone have such severe issues when it comes to communicating? I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder but sometimes I think there's something else. Why can't I just be carefree like them? The fact that I'm disabled also doesn't help, there's a lot of stuff I can't do and I always feel like a weirdo whenever I have to tell this person I can't do this or that, whenever this happens I just want to die from shame, how I wish I could just be... normal.
There's also other problem, I know one of this persons ex and they are absolutely gorgeous, the ex is everything I'm not and now I can't stop comparing myself to the ex. Why would this person want someone like me when he can have someone like that? I swear I don't understand, sometimes I think life is pulling a prank on me. I just wish I could be normal, go on dates, live a regular life. I'm anxious all the time, now I'm even more anxious because we have no money to pay our electric bill and the company will most likely cut the power at any moment. There goes my online job search, there goes my phone and the worst thing is that I have no idea when will we be able to pay the bill so that could mean months in the dark... I was happy because I almost got this job at a clothing store very close to my house, he was going to hire me right there but as soon as I mentioned my disability he told me he was going to call me later. Of course he didn't. I have a friend who knows him and she told me she talked to him and that she was sure he is going to hire me but so far he hasn't called. I'm losing my hopes of ever having a normal life...

I completely can indenify. I have had many girlfriends, but pretty much everyone at one time or another I felt I was not good enough.

There was one girl I was with for two years. She was beautiful to the point when you walked in a restaurant everybody turned to look at her. Some of my friends even told me she was way out of my league-lol So basically spent the whole relationship thinking she would figure out that I was not good enough so I always just felt it was a matter of time.

After a year she told me one night she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Now if I was normal maybe I might start to believe maybe she really wants to be with me. Nope I still just believed it was a matter of time and did not committ to anything. She wanted to buy a house together and was williing to put the money up because I was investing in a business. Her family had alot of money. Then she was willing to buy the engagement ring but we would just tell everybody that I bought it. I still did nothing and I begun taking her for granted. If a girl is ever telling you all the things she does for you and mentions how she does your laundry never ever respond with the following: So what all my exgirlfriends did my laundry for me! She never ever did my laundry again-lol

So anyways I ruined that relationship because of my insecurity not feeling good enough and I have to live with the fact maybe she was the one. She ended up marrying someone very famouns so in my mind she dodged a major bullet....

So please do not ruin a relationship just because something is in your head saying your not good enough! I have a list of affirmations that I read when I get out of the shower it helps. If you really like this person go with it---maybe they see something in you you cannot see. Communicate your fears but dont burden them with your insecurities. We all have something special about us. We are all unique do not let your mental issues tell you your not good enough like I did....

Hi there! Let me preface this by saying that I DON'T have BPD. I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD. I would have given her the world...but she broke up with me. We both should have communicated more, but I had no idea why she broke up with me. She gave me a reason but that reason was a lie, as a I found out a day later in a bad way. I came to realize that she did not like herself very much, if at all. After that, we got back in contact and she told me that her "other side" was coming out and she was afraid of how I would react. I wish she would have communicated those fears to me because we could have worked through them together. I would have tried my best. I would have messed up, because I'm not perfect, but I would have tried my best. I still think about her and it has been 4 years. I miss her dearly. She was a very beautiful person. I hope she is doing well and that she has gotten the help that she needed, since she deserves many good things. And I hope that she has found someone who is a good fit for her.

Another point I'd like to make is that I am not perfect, by any means. No one is. I messed up a lot in that relationship, too. I've grown a lot since then, but now I know that communication is extremely important. My main point is that I wish we had both communicated more.

I agree 100% with offroad711. If you're afraid, say so. Don't hold it in. And try not to judge one person based on past experiences. If someone is spending their time with you, chances are that they like you a lot. I'm sure you have a lot to offer to other people and the world. Don't let people miss out on what a great person you are.

Like I said, I don't have BPD but I imagine it is very difficult to live with. I hope I didn't take a safe space away from other people. If I have, I deeply apologize. I just wanted to show another side.

I really hope things get better for you from here on out. <3

I remember not feeling good enough when I met H. He still tells me I’m beautiful all the time... even when I’m a mess... and tells me how wonderful I am... even when I’m not... It took me a long time to feel secure and accept this kind of love. I appreciate it every single day now. Relationships take work but it’s a good kind of work... It takes time to trust someone but it will never happen if you don’t give anybody a chance. ❤️