DEAR MAN skill didnt work on this "friend" - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 02-07-2019, 02:22 PM #1
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Default DEAR MAN skill didnt work on this "friend"

I don't understand what's going on. I thought maybe people who experience DBT therapy will know what I mean. I'm finding it very hard to "radically accept" because I'm still taking it internally as it's me. Meaning I'm a bad person and there is some thing wrong with me.

So I've been doing the Dear Man to a friend well was a friend. I was hoping for some reply, maybe even a thank you message. I will explain the friendship history.
I meet this person at a animation course I went too back in 2009. A friend at the time who now I see was a toxic or is a person came to my animation course. I will name that friend Susan so no one gets confused who I'm talking about lol.
So Susan builled me at school to the point I had to change schools. I recalled having 6 weeks off from school it was that bad. I moved schools and Susan was still bad mouthing me to other people who were in my new school. I literally felted Susan was out to get me.
The following year she came to me school, a friend named Megan told me she spread rumours about someone else and no one believed her and she ended up as a loner at school. I was so terrified seeing Susan at my new school I thought the same events would happen again. I didnt felt safe. We eventually became friends and we went to animation course together but little did I knew the same cycle of behaviour was about to start just like at school.
This other girl we will name her Josie. Went to the same new school I went to but I wasnt friends with her. But Susan was. She happened to be in the same class in the animation course.
Due to events I was builled by them to the point I had to change desks to the point I changed classes.
I recalled how Susan and Josie literally sent emotional/verbal txt messages at the time to me. I remembered crying on the floor curled up. It really affected me.

The following year of the course because the course was split up in 3 years. I approached to Susan and Joise and Susan was like "no!" And Joise brought the peace grounding. But I wasnt allowed to sit next to them. I felt very much rejected or not good enough for them.
Decaded later since I meet my partner at the animation course he told me how they approach him and try to him on there side behind my back. I was shocked because if I knew this I wouldn't of bothered with them.
He told me how Joise was the one mainly talking and wasnt understanding at all and when he said to her "I have heard both side of the stories" well she got really angry.
Following years I would talk to Joise online and Susan but they always hang out without me being invited. I only knew this because of facebook and I always felt rejected.
There was a time when Susan wouldn't speak to me because I refused to go to a Bush walk due to my anxiety.
Well I learnt Joise lied to me about things. Things like she paid for her own apartment to live I'm but I learnt since she couldn't keep her story straight that her dad was paying for the apartment. One time at the animation course she was angry at me and she went behind me since I was sitting and put her hands around my neck and try to squeeze my thoart. It was apparently meant to be playful but I felt it was very passive aggressive.
I recalled showing her my art but she never had anything good to say. But she would send me her art and say it looked terrible trying to fish out I guess vaildatation. But she would post the art online anyway?
I once told her how my grandma died from bowl cancer and she never replied back but carry on about another conversation. Which I look back is very weird. Because usually people would reply "Oh I'm very sorry to hear that. Are you ok"? I mean I told Susan and she even said she was sorry to hear about what happened.
But with Joise no reply but then reels later she told me how her friend died that she never meet only knew online. And was yes seeking vaildatation. There was other things such as she asked me how many times did it take for me to get my driving theory test. I said twice and she replied with "It took me once". When I showed her I brought myself a car she wasnt happy for me. It didnt make any sense to me of her behavior. I eventually spoke to this guy we will name him Hank. Who went to animation course and knew of Joise. Hank told me how after course they went out and how Joise encouraged Hank to leave his current girlfriend and how when Hank decided not too. Joise spoke badly about him at there work place. I did learn Hank and Joise spoke behind my back in 2014 because Hank screen shot a conversation they had back then I had none thing to do with them at 2014. So I couldnt understand why they would be talk behind my back. I thought it was werid but I did felt hurt because what the hell did I do?
Anyway Hank told me he still got told by his friends how Joise was talking bad about him and this was 2017.
It made sense because when Joise and I were talking back in 2017 online. She showed me a screen shot of Hank sent her a picture of a sculpture he done. She was questioning why would he sent that to her. I try to explain maybe he just being friendly and is proud of his work.
But she said no and came across paranoid. I asked if some thing happened between them because of her strong reaction. But she never wanted to tell me. Which I thought was unfair because I told her stuff about me. But when I learnt this other side. It seemed it liked to paint his picture she is all good, friendly all smiles but really she talks behind people backs , gossips, etc.
We had a fall out and I will post it on here my apology to her because it explains what happens. I just say I had to get a friend which I wont call friend now because I learnt they lied to me. To send the message to her because she blocked me on facebook. You see I thought if I liked her art on Instagram I could mend that bridge. But then she blocked me on facebook and this was last year when I liked her art work on Instagram. this was after 2 years!!!! 2 years!!! So I thought wow maybe she does have issues. Like maybe some kind of personaitly disorder of some kind. So I got this friend to send it to Joise. I have sent apologies to Joise 2 years ago but no response. I told Sususn about it online and she said that Joise is not easily forgiving. I knew this cause Joise had issues with Susan and this other friend and didnt spoke and ignored them for I think 3 or 2 years. This is the message

So I thought to send this to Jaden what you think?.
Could you do a favour for me?
I would like if you could send this message to jowie. If none thing mounts to anything I let it be and I never mention to you again..because I'm sure that your teird of it.

Dear Joise.
How are you?
I want to apologize what happened back at 2017. From what I recalled and experience myself that I sent a picture of my art and I received a message saying "It looks good but don't you think the head is too big" when I read this I took this as criticism as the whole being of myself as a bad person. At that time I did not know what was going on. So I responded with "I dont appreciate the negative comment" I recalled that you were upset and hurt. When I received the messages I felt attacked and I couldn't understand why at the time you were upset. I thought at the time I was going by what old therapist told me what to say in situations like that. I didnt realised that I dismissed you and your comment and your feedback and I'm sorry for that.
I also want to apologize for talking to Hank about you to him. I own that responsibility and I know talking behind people backs go against my vaules that why I felt so guilty at that time. At that time I wasnt aware of my emotions or what I was doing. I was at the time seeking understanding and vaildatation since at that time my partner didnt know how and my family didnt. I know it's very hurtful to be spoken behind someone back I have experience this too. I assume you felt betrayed and rejected that I spoke behind your back which is understandable I would feel that too. Probably felt you couldn't trust me anymore cause I broke your trust. Also when you helped me through message and I said only adrian cared maybe felt taken advantage of and not appreciated you helped me. And maybe felt used. I apologize for all of that. Also for defriending you and adding you friend on facebook I now understand what was going on. I was scared I be rejected and when I de friended you I felt guilty and then I got scared again. Because of my sensitivity to rejection. Which isnt you it's me and back in my family.history.
I send this to make peace. It's ok if you dont want to be friends I understand. I just want to make peace and let you know. I wish you a happy fillfulled life and may peace always be in your heart where ever you go in life.

So "apparently" that friend sent it. But his comments became short me to me recently online. I noticed a change of behaviour response. I had this strange feeling maybe Joise and him were talking behind my back.

Well I learnt this friend lied to me. They claim that they were going to a boot camp and be back in the city on 22 February. That there boot camp was for 6 weeks but was going for 2 weeks. I asked questions about it but them seem very vague. They showed me on the map online were they were going. Which I learnt was the same area where my mum grew up. Anyway they posted a video on Instagram of them running on a beach and I thought maybe it's part of there boot camp. I eventually learnt following day there was photo of them and Joise. My gosh it ruined my whole day. I cried I had hot flashes on my cheeks I still dont know why I had hot flashes on my cheeks. I unfollow them so I won't be triggered by that again! I felt betrayed. Yes I did use DBT skills put my face in cold water but it didbt work. I used this sheet my therapist gave me to ask how am I feeling and wise mind but it didnt work even later on that evening. I just got unhelpful thoughts in my mind.

And well joise never replied to my response. That friend said "apparently" probably lying anyway. That noise will reply when she "ready".

It really upset me. Because I put a lot of thought in that message and they probably knowing them tell themselves some story like I got the therapist to write that which isnt true because I clearly remember writing the message at a evening on a Sunday!

I just dont know how to move on from this. I dont have any friends, I'm stuck at home with my mum. And have no job for 4 years because I been working on my.mental health. I'm living in a emotional/verbal abusive home.
I feel my life isnt worth living anymore. I dont know what to do. I feel at times I'm curse. Was there some thing wrong with my dear man message to Joise? Am I the one with the problem?

I appreciate anyone reading this and took the time.
Anyone reply br much appreciated.
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Old 02-07-2019, 03:11 PM #2
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Default Re: DEAR MAN skill didnt work on this "friend"

Find new friends.
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Old 02-07-2019, 07:40 PM #3
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Default Re: DEAR MAN skill didnt work on this "friend"

I donít miss my school days a single bit.

I was very confused with so many names but honestly, I donít think the most part of these people are being real friends. I understand you need to feel acepted (itís a human condition) and I know itís very important for you at this point of your life (I guess you are still very young). I couldnít cope with these people, on one hand, Susan the one who bullied you. And then, Josie, who likes to talk about you with everyone but directly to you.

I know itís hard. Do you have the possibility to meet other people there, at that group?
I really feel for your situation. Rejection and criticism are hell to be cope by people with bpd, even when they might neither exist, when they do exist, I know itís a hell.
All my support for you.
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Old 03-05-2019, 04:50 PM #4
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Default Re: DEAR MAN skill didnt work on this "friend"

Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
I donít miss my school days a single bit.

I was very confused with so many names but honestly, I donít think the most part of these people are being real friends. I understand you need to feel acepted (itís a human condition) and I know itís very important for you at this point of your life (I guess you are still very young). I couldnít cope with these people, on one hand, Susan the one who bullied you. And then, Josie, who likes to talk about you with everyone but directly to you.

I know itís hard. Do you have the possibility to meet other people there, at that group?
I really feel for your situation. Rejection and criticism are hell to be cope by people with bpd, even when they might neither exist, when they do exist, I know itís a hell.
All my support for you.

Well I'm not that young lol. I'm 28. But this has happened with those two girls for many years.
I experience socail anxiety as well and it's so hard for me to meet new people because of those experiences and others.
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